King of The Pumpkin Patch
Wilson Fisk was usually a reasonable man. Sure, he’d made his fortune off drug dealings and mobster tactics, plus enough police bribery to fund a small town for over a decade...but he was usually reasonable.
Not today, however. Thousands were stolen from a bank he controlled, even more spent to pay off the damages and lure away any prying eyes, and yet the media was all over him.
It's not always about the money. This time, it was a message. One marked off with a certain cat burglar’s insignia.
Thus, his current hitman walked in on him smashing his desk into sawdust.
“Heheha, WOW! And here I thought I had issues!”
Fisk just scoffed. He wiped the dust off his suit and glared at his hitman, towering over him like a skyscraper to a house, or even a fly.
“Shut your trap, Jack. We’ve got...business...in Faraway-“
“Cut the euphemisms, boss. Who’s the sap I gotta carve a spooky smile on this time? Huh, HUH?! Tell me!”
Fisk sighed. Jack O’Lantern was nuts...no, that would be an understatement. He’d out-insaned the nation’s most prestigious asylums and correctional facilities, and the crimes he’d committed would’ve put him on death row without Fisk to bail him out.
“That’s what we’re figuring out. Seems a certain shadow thief needs to be caught in the spotlight.”
Jack couldn’t help but let loose a cackle that could wake the dead...or at least send a light shiver down Fisk’s spine.
“BLACK CAT?! Oh, baby, I’d snap her neck for free! Do you KNOW what kinda cred that’s worth?! THE REP?! Ahahahahaha!”
Fisk groaned as Jack continued to let his awful laughter loose.
“Just cut the crap and cut them down to size...and don’t make it obvious.”
“Aw, cmon! What good’s a pumpkin if ya can’t CARVE IT?!”
Fisk had to grasp the legs of his now-busted desk just to keep from strangling the only hitman he had on him.
“Just get out of my office, and GET. THE. JOB. DONE.”
With a mock salute, Jack practically smashed the doors down on his way out. And was Fisk hallucinating, or did he have a scythe?
Either way, that shadow thief was done for.
...oh who am I kidding, she’s long gone. But along came a spider, whose day is right about to take a turn onto Murder Lane.
Another day, another two-bit crook robbing a bank. What’s a Spider to do?
Huh, that’s good. Hero thought. He made a mental note to say that one out loud the next crime he deemed appropriate.
Not this one. Save it for the bigger crimes.
A regular quip was good enough.
“Hey, making a deposit? Yeah, sometimes I get lost looking for the right counter too.”
Even for a bank robbery, that one SUCKED. There goes the mojo...eh, best to get it over with.
He sighed as he shot a webline at a masked thug, pulling him into his friends, knocking them off balance and started to punch away.
Same old, same old.
“Hey.” Hero said, with some glee as he blocked a crowbar attack from one of the robbers. “Aren't you from that break-in I busted the other day? The one who ran away screaming? Same mask, same outfit. Man, you really suck at staying away from crime, huh?”
“Shuddap!”
Rude thugs, what a shock. Eh, nothing a punch couldn’t fix.
One particularly heavy punch later, and the last crook hit the floor like a sack of hammers. Robbery stopped, day saved, and all before lunch!
He took a look at his phone and saw about 5 missed calls and about 20 unread messages. 2 calls and 5 messages from his mom, 1 call from his dad, and 3 calls and 15 messages from Kel.
Whoops.
Right.
He was supposed to meet up with them to talk about...
“...my future.” Hero groaned, as his family sat around the table, staring at him. “I don't understand. I already have a university spot, I know what I'm studying-”
“I'd agree,” His mother cuts in. “If you haven't been missing your studies for ages at this point. We said we'd let you take time off when your...girlfriend...passed away, but when exactly will you be going back? Could you still even pass your classes?”
“Do you dislike having me home?” Hero asked, getting agitated.
“I dislike seeing you not reaching your potential.”
“I uh...” Kel spoke up, raising his hand awkwardly. “I have to...agree, I think? I don't even cut classes for this long.”
Their mother frowns.
“You've cut classes before?”
“...n-not the point.”
Hero sighs and thinks for a moment.
“Look, I’ll see if my college has any online classes I can take. Maybe I’ll head back on campus once I’ve gotten over everything.”
“For now, that's acceptable.” Their mom replies with a nod. “But Henry, dear, this is more than just how well you attend and do in your classes now.”
“Understood, mami.”
With that, the family meeting disbanded.
Hero decided he probably needed a walk.
Well, lunch didn’t go so well...especially since he didn’t even get to grab something to eat...but hey, there’s still a day left to savor-what’s that glow?
Turning the corner, Hero met with a grisly sight: a severed head, the skull hollowed out and eyes removed...with a lit candle inside, letting out an eerie glow from the hollow sockets.
Now he was glad he hadn’t eaten.
He held his breath and immediately dialed the police.
This wasn't a Spider-Man thing.
Unfortunately, it would certainly end up a Spider-Man thing.
Just across town, Jack was having the time of his life. Well, aside from not having found Black Cat yet, but still! A couple dozen folk carved, a couple of fires started, and he’d even blown up a mailbox! He could hear it already: the symphony of fearful screaming, the agonized roars from a soon-to-be corpse...and he could already feel his next victim’s blood on his hands!
“Ahahahahaha! Guess what, everyone? HALLOWEEN’S COMIN’ EARLY!”
“Who cares?! I hate Halloween!” An idiotic passerby shouted.
“NOBODY ASKED YOU!”
He excitedly gripped his scythe, a ramshackle creation made from a busted-up industrial fan and a huge metal rod, already seeing the bloodshed he could cause.
Guess that moron on the sidewalk dissing Halloween should be the first to go, hmm?
“Let's see how much you hate Halloween, when I carve out your face into a SMILING LANTERN! AHAHAHAHA!”
“I'd still hate it.”
“Oh my god you never shut up! At this point I'm doing the world a favor. Now hold still!” Jack raised his scythe and prepared to bring it down.
What he didn’t expect was a certain wall-crawler snatching his victim...while also taking a slash to the ribs.
“Gah! Dammit, I just got this cleaned!” The moron shouted as Spider-Man’s blood stained his shirt.
“Ghk-! You...really don't shut up, do you?!” Spider-Man groaned with a frown, holding a hand over his wound.
Jack couldn’t believe it. Sure, he’d miss out on his actual target...but killing Spider-Man?! That kinda opportunity ain’t one to pass up!
“Well well well, never thought you’d show!” Jack maniacally rambled, acting like this was entirely intentional.
“Yeah yeah, pretending you knew I was gonna show. News flash, it's not cool anymore. How about just being surprised? It's better for your report card!” Spider-Man replies, taking a stance.
“Why you...ah, screw it.” Jack sighed, spinning his scythe. “Let's just get to the point where I hollow out your skull!”
“Yeah, I should probably tell you before we start!” Spider-Man shouts, shooting web lines at the scythe. “My costume isn't a Halloween thing, it's more of a Saint Patricks theme!” He pulled, but Jack stood fast, gripping his scythe like a vice.
“Wow, that...that actually just sucked.” Jack replies, pulling the scythe inwards, dragging Spider-man in. With a quick wrist turn, he slammed the hero against a wall.
“Ughh...well, what can I say? My jokes just don't land as well with raging lunatics.”
Spidey tried to hit back, but not much a blow can do when you’re bleeding more than a stuck pig.
Just dodge for now. Make villains angry, get answers, always works, right?
“So uh, what's your backstory? Did your parents leave you on Halloween? Friends smash a pumpkin over your head so now you're a murderer? Oh, are you actually a jack-o-lantern who became a human?“
“DOES IT MATTER?! All I’m gonna be is the man who gave Spidey a cutting review!” Jack takes another swing, and Spider-Man quickly leaps over it.
“Come on, you can tell me! We have a lot in common! We dress up, people think we're crazy, and uh...we make really bad jokes?”
Jack simply laughs maniacally, continuing to slash wildly at Spidey.
“Okay, not the talkative type when it comes to your feelings, I get it!”
“SHUT UP AND STAY STILL!”
“Not a chance! You've killed a lot of people today, and I'm assuming you're done yet! So tell me, why here? Are you looking for someone? Because despite all your creepy 1980s horror film laughter, I think you're not just doing this blindly!” Spider-Man shouts, dodging another swing with a quick limbo bend.
“It’s either you or the Shadow Thief! One of ya’s gonna get carved, and so far it’s lookin like you!”
“Uh, shadow thief, great!” Spidey dodges again. “So, have you tried a phone book? Yellow pages? Maybe the Internet? I hear there's this thing called Facebook! Maybe try friending them?”
“SHUT UP! I’M TRYIN TO HEAR THE VOICES!”
"...well then.” Spider-Man takes a deep breath. “Guess there's nothing else you can tell me.”
Focus.
Hero waits for the next incoming swing.
...please work!
He dodges the slash narrowly, sliding under, enduring the awful pain...
...and kicks upwards, knocking the scythe out of his grasp.
“WHAT THE-”
But before Jack can even process, Spidey is already tying him up in webs, and sticking him onto the wall.
“HEY! YOU CHEATED!”
“It's called disarming you, pal! You can look it up in prison!”
“I’ll get you for this!”
Spidey sighs. “Guess it’s just after October. After all, your brain’s more rotten than the pumpkins you carved.”
Jack just laughs. “That's a good one. But I'll have you know: no prison can hold me! The Kingpin’ll make sure!”
“...right. Whoever that is, I'm sure they can send you a Christmas card behind bars.”
“Just you wait! You'll see, I'LL BE BACK! I’LL-“
Spidey finally had enough and webbed his mouth shut.
Jack just continued to smile. He'd be set free. He'd continue his hunt. And this time, he'd get them both. He'll make sure it's a bloodbath for this tiny town, he'll-!
“You're fired, Jack.”
Turns out, Kingpin was pissed. Jack had gone off target, massacred about 26 people, and got nabbed by a damn Spider. Fisk couldn’t bail him out even if he wanted to.
“Come on Fisk!” Jack screamed. “You need me, you know you do! I'm yer best, you said!”
“I said you were my only option. I coulda hired WADE for this! I’m cutting my losses and cuttin you outta options. Don’t keep the devil waitin.”
The line disconnects up, and Jack slams the phone so hard a dent is formed on the payphone.
A fitting fate for such a psychopathic kill-WHAT THE-
..?
Is this thing on?
Hey, you! Yeah, you, sittin down reading this crap! I miiiight’ve knocked out good ol’ Mr. Narrator, but I got a reason!
This story’s only gettin spicier! All because of Spidey’s best pal in ol’ 616!