Gamora isn’t scared of death.
Ever since Thanos took her from her home world, death hasn’t been a stranger to her. It’s both a friend and foe, a curse and gift, a pain and relief. Death is a part of life, a risk of her work for Thanos. Dying for him would inevitably be her ending. That she knew.
Gamora isn’t scared of anything, really. But certainly not of death.
After just escaping Thanos, Gamora ends up meeting the guardians as she searches for the orb. Her first impression was…. not the best. To say the least. But after spending some time together while trying to save the universe, she’s grown slightly more fond of the crew.
They’ve decided to protect the orb, take it someplace safe. Be the good guys for once. Gamora has never wanted to not be that, but it was merely never in the stars for her. There is nothing good about Thanos. Nor her.
With both Ronan and the ravagers chasing them, Gamora does what she knows best. Fight. She’s in her pod one moment, and the next…
As she floats, the first thing she thinks of is to laugh. Though, she can’t physically laugh, so she settles for her thoughts. It’s ironic, she thinks. She hasn’t even been free from Thanos or Ronan for a week before she finds herself dying. It was foolish of her to think she could ever escape either of them alive, she’s aware, but she couldn’t help but long for a life on her own.
Gamora has never wanted the life Thanos has made her live. Sometimes, on the rare occasions she allowed herself to, she imagined a life without Thanos. One where she’d successfully escape him and settle down on a planet to live a peaceful life.
She feels her body failing her, as her mods take over. She allows it to happen, fighting it would only increase the suffering. Dying is not painful, she decides. If death was the only way to escape Thanos, then so be it. This would be her end. Perhaps a shameful one, for the deadliest woman in the galaxy and daughter of Thanos, but at least one she was in control of. Not Thanos, not Ronan, just her.
She can feel her consciousness slipping away, her mods slowly reaching their end. Perhaps there was no good in her, she’s simply not made to be good. Doing the right thing, it’s not for her. But ultimately she decides she’d rather die trying to be good for once, instead of being a villain. Like always.
In her final moments she thinks of her home world. She tries to picture her parents, whose faces started to blur as the years passed. She imagines her house, her world before Thanos destroyed everything. Gamora doesn’t believe in heaven, but if there is one, she’s certain she won’t go there. Selfishly so, she still wishes to reunite with her parents.
Death is not painful, she thinks again. It’s peaceful. Feeling the world slip away, she briefly thinks of her sister. She hopes she’ll escape, and actually be successful and make it out alive. Unlike her. She hopes the guardians make it, and that Thanos nor Ronan get a hold of the orb. She makes a few, perhaps selfish, wishes as she decides it can’t do any harm anyway.
She’s accepted her death, just like Thanos had taught her. At last, she concludes this might be for the best.
…… Until her body rocks as her lungs expand, the burn of air desperately filling her lungs. Somewhere far away she feels a mask covering her face and arms wrapped around her middle, the warmth of another body pressing into her soon after.
She feels her environment change, the freezing cold from space changing into an unfamiliar warmer one. Her body making contact with the ground, and heat radiating off the yet unidentified source hovering above her.
When Gamora opens her eyes again, she’s met with none other than Peter Quill.
“Quill?” she rasps as reality dawned in on her. She’s alive.
The next thing she notices is his hand cradling her cheek and their legs wrapped around each other. His eyes looking directly into hers. She felt his, now opened, mask still sitting on her face, which is when she realized what happened.
He saved her. He risked his life for hers, a near stranger. Though she’d be lying to herself if she said he wasn’t the closest thing to a friend she’s ever had. Even so, she doesn’t understand why he did it. Her life has never meant to be worth saving to anyone, not without additional reason, like when he had saved her back in prison. Now, she can’t think of an explanation as to why he’d save her.
She feels her chest rise as the air continues to flow through her lungs, the blood pumping through her body.
She’s alive.
________
Gamora isn’t scared of death.
… at least, that’s what she used to believe.
Now, as Peter is still out there with Ego, Gamora is scared. Terrified, even. Just as Mantis had said, spoken so easily about that unspoken thing between them. Death is merciless, unforgiving and cruel. She has always known this. However, she realizes her feelings about death only applied to her own, not to someone she cares for. Or even loves.
It’s a risk, a burden, to care for someone in their line of work sometimes. Like now, Gamora could’ve brought herself to safety already if not for the other guardians.
But the burden of this, she thinks, is the burden she’d gladly carry every day of her life.
“Rocket, look at me!” She yells, fear creeping up inside of her. Desperately searching for eye contact, as she tried to suppress her thoughts. She knew the truth.
Death is not painful, she remembers thinking. She’s learned that she was wrong. Death might not be painful for the one dying, but for their loved ones it was different. It’s not like Gamora hasn’t lost before, but she doesn’t recall ever caring about someone the way she cares for Peter.
He’s helping her heal, slowly, at her own pace. One step at a time, and even one backwards if that’s what she needed. She’s trying to unlearn years and years of Thanos’ training. It seemed impossible at first, but after her time with the guardians a new hope sparked inside of her. Peter, despite his usual antics, is patient. He allows their connection to be unspoken, waiting for her to reach out to him, careful to not overstep.
Late night conversations, secretly slow dancing in his room, comfort after nightmares, how he surprises her with gifts he’s seen her glimpse at during supply runs, have all become like second nature to her. He shares stories of his mother, allows her to use his walkman, something so precious to him. He trusts her so openly, loves her as much too.
Gamora isn’t sure what to do without him right now, which scares her even more. He’s become so important to her that she thinks she finally understands why he saved her all that time ago. Perhaps the reason isn’t rational, but she feels more sure about this than anything ever.
She moves fast, grabs the gun and rushes out. She’s going after him, she has to. A strong, overwhelming feeling of love overcoming her. Determined to go after Peter and save him.
She hears the gunshot before she feels it, electricity shooting through her body. She shakes violently before falling to the ground, the pain knocking her out temporarily. It all happened too fast for her to think.
Before Gamora knows it, she’s becoming conscious again. The first thing she becomes aware of is the pain she’s feeling throughout her entire body, the second thing is the memories from moments before she passed out. She shoots up, “Peter.” she gasps as she rushes to get up and move. Pain shoots through her body. She winces and grabs her side, momentarily halting her movements before continuing. There’s no time, she reminds herself.
“Mora?”
She hears a raspy voice croak, thick with emotion. She turns around so fast, it might’ve given her a whiplash if not for her mods, as she takes in the sight of him. A seemingly new wave of fresh tears fall down his face as he lets out a sound similar to a whimper.
She has so many questions, but can’t seem to find her voice. Her mouth opens and closes with no words coming out, only a sound that matched his. Her eyes well up with tears, and she doesn’t even bother trying to stop them.
Gamora chokes on a sob as Peter falls into her arms, desperately holding her close to him. Her heart hurt at the sound of his cries, his face buried into her hair. There would be a lot more of this in the future, she would learn how he managed to come back to them, he’d tell her what happened with Ego and she’d finally make their unspoken thing spoken. For now, she settles for listening to his heartbeat as his cries slowly get quieter.
All that matters is they’re both here, alive and together.
________
Gamora has accepted death.
She has, ever since Thanos took her. It was one of the first lessons he taught her. That was also when he warned her about what would happen if she ever tried to turn on him, which is why she’s sure of what she can expect the moment she comes face to face with him again.
As the guardians set course for Knowhere, Gamora twirls the double sided, red blade she received many years ago in her hand, lost in thought. She knows what has to be done, she’s known ever since she found the map of the Soul stone, but she can’t. She knows she cannot win against Thanos, but she can’t help but give into the hope she has for a different outcome.
Years ago, she would’ve thought of herself as a fool. Before she met the guardians, her life was something she’d easily trade. Now, however, she finds everything in her resisting.
She closes her eyes, and sees Thanos looming over her. His weapon in hand, battle gear on. His voice rings through her head.
She is a fool.
Her eyes snap open at the sound of someone entering the room. Peter.
She’s vaguely aware that he’s talking, too deep in thought to listen to his rambling. His tone is something she still recognizes, however. He’s trying to lighten the mood.
Gamora shoots up, mind set on the only solution to her foolish and selfish behavior. She cannot do it, not when there’s even a miniscule chance she could survive. It has to be Peter, her Peter. It has to be him.
Regret forming inside of her as she starts talking, the look in his eyes bringing tears to her own. He’s scared, worried, but also tender as ever. Love and trust being ever so prominent as he wipes her tears.
Gamora hated herself then, but now, as Peter aims his gun at Thanos, she fights against bursting into tears. She can hardly look him in the eyes, as he fails doing the same. She made him swear on his mother, she reminds herself, tears forming in her eyes.
“Not him.” She croaks, her voice quavering, heavy with emotion. She barely manages to hold back a sob as he finally makes eye contact with her. His eyes, ever the open book, looked at her pleadingly. He slowly lowered the gun, still waiting for some kind of miracle to come to prove this is not it. This is not the moment he takes her life.
Their moment is interrupted by Thanos, who shoves her in front of the gun. She doesn’t fight the wail escaping her this time. Peter recoils, grip on his gun wavering, but continues to look at her. They refuse to let him get to them, if this is where she dies she will not let it be controlled by Thanos.
A hint of a smile crosses her face, as she allows her tears to fall. “I love you, more than anything.” She doesn’t break eye contact. It’s all she says, but Peter knows there’s more. It’s okay, please do this.
Normally, Peter would’ve never agreed to such a thing, let alone execute it. He’s detirmed to save the ones he loves, no matter the cost for himself. Gamora knows this. But she’s seen the look in his eyes as she asked this of him, he knows that if he didn’t do this her future would be in Thanos’ hands.
“I love you too.” Is all he manages to say. If he’d continue talking, he would get off track and wouldn’t be able to stop his anger from doing something he’d regret later on. He takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself, preparing for what he’s about to do. Gamora’s heart hurts at his inner turmoil, squinting her eyes close so hard it hurts.
Except…. the shot never comes. Gamora opens her eyes at the same time as Peter, watching shock form on his face as he looks at the blaster, that was preciously in his hand, turn into bubbles. She sighs, because she knows feeling like she would even slightly be in control of her own life was too good to be true.
She looks defeatedly at Peter, seeing the aftermath of what she made him do. He looks at her with a look so full of emotion, neither of them able to think of any words to say as she feels Thanos take her again. Alive.
________
Gamora had welcomed death.
Back on Knowhere with the guardians, as Peter pointed his blaster at her and pulled the trigger. She was, in a way and not fully complete, surrounded by her friends. Staring into the eyes of the man she loves, the last thing anyone has ever said to her being “I love you.”
Here on Vormir, as Gamora slowly walked up the mountain with Thanos, she had a lot of time to think about her previous actions. Too much time.
They were gonna lose. She knew it. She was a fool to even have hope in the first place. Gamora regrets a lot of things in her life, especially her life before the guardians, but one thing she decided she could never regret was protecting Nebula. She couldn’t bear to watch her sister be ripped apart on her behalf, knowing that even if she allowed it Thanos would simply move onto the rest of her loved ones, one by one.
Truth is, she had no idea what was gonna happen as they approached the end. Yes, she had found the map to the Soul stone, but burned it before she could ever discover more about it. All she was sure of is that Thanos could absolutely not, under no circumstances, acquire the stone. The moment he’d get his hand on all stones, it would be over.
So, Gamora was prepared to fight until the very end.
A soul for a soul, is what the red skull told them, as she watched Thanos turn to her. She felt relief building up. He had lost. She couldn’t fight the twitch of her lips that formed into a small smile as she realized the universe was finally against him.
“You love nothing. No one.” Her voice was hush, filled with mixed emotions. The relief flowing through her body present, yet the underlying fear that this was somehow not over yet undeniable.
Gamora wasn’t sure whether to burst into tears or out laughing, as she watched a single tear roll down his face. He’s crying, she muses. “Really? Tears?”
Her trail of thought broken by the next words ringing through her ears, “They’re not for him.”
And there it was. The underlying fear she felt, creeping up on her slowly as every single second passed. The fact that it felt too good to be true, the universe finally on her side for once as Thanos would lose and they’d actually stand a chance against him. How the relief refilled her hope into returning home to her family, the possibility of saving the world together from the mad titan. All those emotions washed away by pure rage
“This isn’t love.” She spat, venom on her tongue. Gamora knows what love is now. Images of her family flashing by. How she raised Groot with the rest of the team, how she sparred with Drax, how she was slowly building a sister relationship with Nebula, how Rocket had slowly opened up to her (as she would probably be able to relate more than the others, according to him), how she’s been training Mantis, and God… Peter. Peter has shown her unconditional love in ways she could’ve never imagined experiencing. He loved her with everything he had and she reciprocated.
Her slightly dysfunctional, but wonderful family has shown her exactly what love is. And have most definitely shown her that whatever Thanos believed he felt for her, was nowhere near love.
Aware of the presence of the blade she received from her so-called father in front of her in her pocket, without second thought, she ripped it out to impale her abdomen, watching as the blade turned to bubbles. The adrenaline leaving her as the sight took her back to moments ago on Knowhere. She closes her eyes and thinks about Peter telling her he loves her, trying to focus on those words.
She was interrupted by a giant hand wrapped around her arm, harshly dragging her towards the end. She screamed at the top of her lungs, worthlessly trying to rip him off her, desperately fighting for her life. She choked on a sob as she felt one leg dangling off the cliff, breaking out into wails as Thanos threw her off.
Gamora has never cried as hard as she had then. She wasn’t sure why either. They were alone here, she had accepted her death to be by his hands a long time ago. She was taught to welcome death by him as a sacrifice, an act of loyalty towards the name he dared to call himself, father.
But maybe, if she cried loud enough, someone would hear her. Maybe somewhere, anyone, in this universe would think she is undeserving of this and save her. She begged for her life, as hard as she fought for it. Tears were streaming down her face, her throat started burning as she felt her voice become hoarse.
The fall was agonizingly slow, the worst torture she’s ever endured. She thinks about her family once more. For the final time she realizes. She decides she’ll die a fool, and refuses to believe her team won’t beat Thanos. They’ve hopefully joined the Avengers by now, and are making a plan on how to beat him. She hopes Rocket and Groot are safe with Thor, and Mantis and Drax listen to Peter for once.
She feels another wave of tears stream down her face as she closes her eyes. She thinks about ruffling Groot’s messy vines on the top of his head after he’s been playing video games for too long, talking to Drax about his family and sharing cultural differences between each other, sharing late night drinks with Rocket as they both try to live freely from their past, allowing Mantis to touch her and tell her she’s feeling genuine happiness (something she’d never expect to experience), rebuilding the long broken bond between her and Nebula, being held by Peter all throughout the night as he whispers sweet nothings into her ears. She’s memorized the sound of his heartbeat, it being something that has always seemed to comfort her. She hears it now.
At last, she decides to open her eyes. She looks up at the gray sky as snow falls from it. The sound of Peter’s heartbeat long gone from her mind, the feeling of looking into pure emptiness taking over her body. With one final cry, she feels her body hit the cold ground, ending on her final thought.
Gamora was terrified of death.