(Set in an AU where everyone gets to live. Don’t exactly know how, just go with it.)
“Happy Birthday!!” Bucky was not startled as all the Avengers popped out from their hiding places around the common room. Thanks to his enhanced hearing he had heard each separate heartbeat as he had made his way down the hall from his room. It’s his first birthday with the entire team. First time since he has developed a good relationship with all of them, even Tony. Even though their relationship started out rocky, to put it mildly.
He smiled at his friends, but it was a bit forced, he didn’t really know why. He had no reason to be upset. He was a free man now. He was himself again. He was surrounded by his friends, plus his boyfriend, and he was happy. Still, though, there was this nagging problem that was begging for his attention, yet he didn’t know what the issue was.
He didn’t want to be disrespectful to all the coordination and work everyone put into this surprise party so he just widened his partly false smile.
Steve was the first to come over, immediately hugging him, “Happy birthday Buck.”
Bucky wrapped both his flesh and metal arms around his boyfriend, “Thank you.” he said sincerely.
Everyone was there, Steve, obviously, Tony, Bruce, Natasha, Peter, Wanda, Vision, Clint, Thor, Sam, and Pepper. Each of them stood from where they had previously been hiding, which included Peter standing upside down on the ceiling as that had been his horribly obvious hiding spot.
Each of them had given him either a hug or a simple Happy Birthday wish. Peter had returned to the floor at some point during this. After a bit of chit-chat, Thor carried out a large cake, but it only had one lit candle on it. Bucky raised an eyebrow at it and Tony answered his unasked question, “We didn’t think the cake had room for over one hundred candles, sorry.” Tony smirked, showing he wasn’t sorry one bit.
Over one hundred. Bucky thought about that, and it still baffled him. He was over one hundred years old. Most people didn’t even make it to one hundred and here Bucky is making it well past and still in great physical shape. Once again, this should make him happy, but it makes that nagging feeling grow inside him. It must show on his face because Steve gets a bit closer and asks, “You okay Buck?”
Bucky snaps out of his thoughts and shakes his head plastering the strained smile back on his face. “Yeah, yeah, of course.” Steve looked at him warily like he didn’t quite believe him, but didn’t say anything, not while everyone else was around.
“Well, what are we waiting for, the candle to drip wax all over this expensive chocolate ganache icing?” Tony asked, his arm swung over Peter’s shoulders, Pepper by his side. “Hurry up and make a wish.”
Bucky walked over to the cake, closing his eyes for a moment as he thought of a wish. Once he thought of one, one he’s not sure he will ever get, he opens his eyes and blows out the candle. The light goes out immediately leaving nothing but one gray wavy line wafting from the burnt wick, a slightly smoky smell left behind in the flame's wake.
“So… whaddya wish for?” Clint asks with a sly smile.
“Don’t tell him Mr. Barnes!” Peter says urgently like it’s the most serious thing in the world, “If you tell, it won’t come true!”
Tony smirks, “Kid’s right. It’s an unwritten contract between the candle and the one blowing it out.”
Bucky smiles an amused smile, “Well, I really want this to come true so my lips are sealed.”
Clint pouts, but it’s clearly just for show.
The rest of the party is filled with eating cake, talking with all of his friends, and gift opening. He smiled at each present presented, touched by the thought that went into them, even if he wasn't really into material things. He even laughs quite a few times, but the nagging has not gone away, if anything it has intensified.
It was late and he and Steve were about to head to their room so he said his goodbyes. Tony claps a hand on his shoulder, “Happy birthday once again Bucky,” he smiles, “How old are you now? One hundred and six?” Although it was a question Tony just laughs and walks away without getting an answer.
Bucky goes with Steve back to their room, but Tony’s question echoes in his head over and over. It seems to be feeding the nagging feeling even more as it gets stronger.
How old are you now?
_____
In bed, Steve was reading a book, but Bucky was just looking off into the distance thinking. Steve notices this and puts his bookmark on the page he was reading before shutting it and putting it on the nightstand beside him. “What’s up Buck?” he says in a gentle tone.
Bucky shakes his head and turns to Steve, “What?”
“Something’s wrong, I can tell. Do you want to talk about it?”
Bucky hesitates, but then asks, “Does it ever bother you?”
“Does what ever bother me?”
“Not knowing how old you are?”
“What?” Steve asks, eyebrows furrowed.
“Like how old you actually are.” Bucky tries to explain. “I know I can just do the math based on my birth year, but that’s not my age. That’s not my body’s age.”
Steve nods slowly, “I guess I never thought about it.” He pauses, “I mean, I was in the ice for seventy years,” an involuntary shiver wracks his body. Bucky reaches out and squeezes his hand, Steve smiles at him in thanks and continues, “It kept my body in perfect condition, so I guess I was the same age when I got frozen as when I came out; 27. It’s been a few years, so about 34 now I believe.”
Bucky nods but yet doesn’t quite understand. It wasn’t the same for him. He had spent years in and out of cryo. Spent time as the Winter Solder that he has no memories of. He has no idea how old he is. He was 28 when he fell from the train, but he has no idea how old physically he is now.
“Buck?” Steve asks, eyes filled with worry as he looks at him.
“Nevermind, it’s stupid.” Bucky shakes his head once again.
“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you,” Steve says, his voice full of sincerity.
“Can we just forget I said anything?”
Steve looks at him for a moment, gauging Bucky’s expression, “We can, if that’s what you want.” Bucky nodded. Steve had tried his best to have Bucky understand that he is allowed to want and give Bucky what he wants now that he is free. Show him he has choices and free will, “But, if it keeps bothering you and you want to talk about it I’m here.”
Bucky smiles softly at him, “Thanks.”
“Of course.”
And that’s the end of the conversation.
___________
It’s days later and the thought has not left Bucky’s mind. The echo of How old are you now? haunting him. Looking in the mirror now is confusing like it was right after Hydra. Then it was: Am I the Winter Soldier or am I Bucky Barnes? Now it’s: Am I old or am I young? His face is youngish, but he’s in a whole different century than the one he grew up in. He feels lost.
He decides to ask an expert. He goes down to Tony’s lab where he doesn’t only find Tony, but Bruce too. He doesn’t back down though, this might even be better. Two geniuses for the price of one.
He knocks on the lab door. Both heads look toward him, “Hey Bucky,” Tony smiles from his place at a workbench on the far side of the room, “FRI let him in.” A moment later the glass door slid open.
“Hey Buck,” Bruce smiles as well from next to Tony, blueprints on the table behind them. Bruce’s smile is softer while Tony’s is more blinding. He’s had a lot of practice putting on the perfect smile for the paparazzi.
“Hi,” Bucky says a bit sheepishly, not exactly sure what he is going to say.
“Is everything okay?” Bruce immediately picks up on his hesitation.
Bucky doesn’t know how to answer that. “What’s on your mind?” Tony asks.
“You guys are both doctors right?”
The two scientists glance at each other, “Of a sort,” Tony replies.
Bucky’s eyebrows furrow. Bruce explains, “We both have doctorates, but we do not have MDs. We are not medical doctors.”
“Oh.”
“Why? Is everything okay?” Bruce asks again, this time his voice is more concerned.
“I’m fine,” Bucky rushes to alleviate the worry on both men’s faces, “really?”
“Then what’s going on?” Bruce asks, “Although I don’t have an MD I know a good amount medically.”
“I know less about that, but I can try to help.” Tony smiles, but then falters, “Wait, are you about to like show us some grotesque wound or rash or some other shit?”
“Tony” Bruce elbows him in the side.
“What?!” He asks incredulously like he has no clue he did anything wrong.
“It's nothing like that,” Bucky assures.
“Oh, then fire away.” Tony responds as he leans his back on the table and crosses his arms giving Bucky his full attention.
“Can you…Is there,” Bucky sighs frustratingly as he tries to get his words to cooperate with his head, “Is there a way to understand…to tell how old someone is medically?” He finishes, face contorted in confusion at his own inquiry.
“Okay, not what I was expecting,” Tony confesses sitting up.
“What do you mean?” Bruce asks, “Like a medical test to determine how old a person is?”
“Yes, exactly.” Bucky sighs in relief.
“Well,” Bruce thinks this over, “there are a few. You can look at someone’s protein substances through a blood test to determine age. You can do an X-ray of someone’s hands to determine bone age. Sometimes, panoramic films of the jaw can determine age as well. There are lots of ways.”
Bucky looks to Tony, “To be honest, and you will probably never hear me say this again, I didn’t know any of that. I like to work with machines, not people.” He shrugs.
“Why do you ask?” Bruce turns from Tony back to Bucky.
“Could…Can you do these tests?”
“Uh, we have the equipment, yes,” Bruce answers, his eyebrows furrowed.
“Can you do them on me?” Bucky asks, looking down.
“Bucky, what’s going on?” Tony speaks up.
“I want to know how old I am,” he whispers.
“What?”
“I-I don’t know how old I am,” Bucky admits.
“Well,” Tony says, “you were born in, what, 1917? So…”
“That’s not what I mean.” Bucky says before Tony can do the math, “I mean…it’s not…” he huffs in frustration.
“Take it slow, think it through, and then explain,” Bruce says softly.
Bucky nods and goes to sit down on one of the free workbenches. He thinks for a moment and then speaks up, both Tony and Bruce look at him expectantly, “I don’t mean number of years. I know how to do the math. But…take Steve, for instance, he was frozen for seventy years. His body stayed the same all those years, so he was the same age going in the ice as coming out.”
“So you’re body’s age?” Bruce asks.
Bucky looks down and fidgets with his hands, “Yeah. But I don’t have a clear timeline like Steve. I was with Hydra for over seventy years. For much of that time, I was frozen like Steve, in cryo, but there were times I wasn’t, possibly even a few years I wasn’t. I remember some, but a lot is just blank. Gone. A lot of the time I spent out of Cryo I was locked behind the Winter Soldier.” He takes a big breath, “My birthday got me thinking. I have no idea how old I am.” He finally finishes. He chances a glance back up at the two.
Each one’s face has an expression of warring emotions, pity, sympathy, worry, awe, and maybe even understanding. “We can find out.” Tony finally says. All his jokes are forgotten.
“Really?” Bucky asks hopefully.
“Of course Bucky, we’ll figure this out,” Bruce adds.
Bucky smiles, truthfully this time, “Thank you.”
The nagging in his head starts to quiet down.
_________
Together the three of them, plus Steve who Bucky finally opens up to about this, and Dr. Cho, run some tests. They learn that Bucky is in his mid to late thirties.
Bucky’s birthday wish comes true.