Distance And Silence
The sun rose over the city, casting a warm glow through the windows of Atsushi and Dazai's apartment. Despite the gentle morning light, an invisible barrier seemed to hang in the air between them. Atsushi sat at the small kitchen table, stirring his coffee absentmindedly, while Dazai leaned against the counter, lost in his thoughts. They had been together for a relatively long time, but lately the silence between them had grown louder.
"Good morning," Atsushi finally said, forcing a smile. He tried to catch Dazai's eye, but Dazai's gaze remained fixed on the floor.
"Morning," Dazai replied, his voice flat. He poured himself a cup of coffee and took a seat across from Atsushi. The clinking of their spoons against the mugs was the only sound that filled the room.
Atsushi cleared his throat. "Do you have any plans for today?" He asked, hoping to spark some conversation.
Dazai shrugged. "Not really. I thought I might go to the library for a bit. There is a book I have been meaning to read."
"Sounds nice," Atsushi said, though he felt a pang of sadness. They used to spend their days off exploring the city together, visiting bookstores and cafés. Now, even a simple trip to the library felt like a solitary endeavor.
"I might go for a walk later," Atsushi added, more to fill the silence than anything else.
Dazai nodded, still not meeting his eyes. "That's sound good."
They finished their breakfast in silence. Atsushi washed the dishes while Dazai retreated to the living room, settling on the couch with his laptop. The apartment felt too quiet, the unspoken words between them creating a chasm neither seemed willing to cross.
Atsushi dried his hands and walked into the living room. "Hey, do you want to come with me? On the walk?" He asked, trying to sound casual.
Dazai looked up, his expression unreadable. "Maybe later," he said. "I have some work to finish first."
Atsushi nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. "Okay, I will see you later then."
He grabbed his jacket and stepped outside, the cool air hitting his face. He walked aimlessly through the city, his mind swirling with thoughts of Dazai and their strained relationship. He loved Dazai, he truly did, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.
Meanwhile, Dazai sat on the couch, staring at his laptop screen without really seeing it. He felt a deep sense of guilt, knowing that he was the reason for the growing distance between them. His feelings for Chuuya, his stepbrother, were something he couldn't admit to anyone, least of all Atsushi.
Atsushi wandered into a small park, finding a bench under a blooming cherry blossom tree. He sat down, watching the petals fall like pink snow. The beauty of the scene did little to lift his spirits. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through old photos of him and Dazai, smiling and happy. It felt like a lifetime ago.
Back at the apartment, Dazai closed his laptop and sighed. He couldn't concentrate, not with the weight of his unspoken feelings bearing down on him. He decided to take a break and stepped out onto the balcony. The view of the city was calming, but it did little to ease his turmoil.
Atsushi eventually made his way back home, the walk doing little to clear his mind. He found Dazai still on the balcony, staring out at the skyline. "I'm back," he said softly.
Dazai turned to him and managed a small smile. "Welcome back."
Atsushi joined him on the balcony, standing a few feet away. They watched the city in the silence, the tension between them palpable. Atsushi took a deep breath, gathering his courage. "Dazai, is everything okay?" He asked, his voice trembling slightly.
Dazai's heart clenched at the concern in Atsushi's voice. "I'm fine," he lied. "Just... A lot on my mind."
Atsushi nodded, not convinced, but unsure how to push further. "You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."
Dazai looked at him, his eyes filled with a sadness that Atsushi couldn't quite depicher. "I know. Thank you."
Atsushi eventually made his way back home, the walk doing little to clear his mind. He found Dazai still on the balcony, staring out at the skyline. "I'm back," he said softly.
Dazai turned to him and managed a small smile. "Welcome back."
Atsushi joined him on the balcony, standing a few feet away. They watched the city in the silence, the tension between them palpable. Atsushi took a deep breath, gathering his courage. "Dazai, is everything okay?" He asked, his voice trembling slightly.
Dazai's heart clenched at the concern in Atsushi's voice. "I'm fine," he lied. "Just... A lot on my mind."
Atsushi nodded, not convinced, but unsure how to push further. "You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."
Dazai looked at him, his eyes filled with a sadness that Atsushi couldn't quite depicher. "I know. Thank you."
As the evening fell, Atsushi decided to try one last time to bridge the gap. He cooked dinner, hoping that a shared meal might help them reconnect. "Dinner is ready," he called out, setting the table with care.
Dazai joined him, the aroma of the food filling the room. "It looks delicious," he said, trying to sound enthusiastic.
They ate in near silence, the clinking sound of cutlery the only sound. Atsushi couldn't take it anymore. "Dazai, please talk to me," he said, his voice breaking. "I feel like I'm losing you."
Dazai looked up, his eyes filled with pain. "Atsushi, I... I'm sorry. I have been distant, and it's not fair to you."
Atsushi reached across the table, taking Dazai's hand. "Whatever it is, we can face it together. Just tell me."
Dazai squeezed his hand, tears welling up in his eyes. "There is something I need to tell you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid it will change everything."
Atsushi's heart pounded in his chest, a mixture of fear and hope swirling within him. "Whatever it is, Dazai, we will get through it," he said, his voice steady despite the turmoil he felt inside.
Dazai took a deep breath, his grip tightening on Atsushi's hand. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words seemed to catch in his throat. He shook his head, a tear slipping down his cheek. "I... I can't," he whispered, pulling his hand away and standing up abruptly.
Atsushi's eyes followed him, the ache in his chest growing. "Dazai, please," he pleaded, standing up as well. "Don't shut me out."
Dazai turned away, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "It's not that simple," he muttered, his voice strained.
"Why not?" Atsushi asked, desperation creeping into his voice. "We have always been honest with each other. Why is this any different?"
Dazai closed his eyes, taking another shaky breath. "Because this... This could break us," he said softly, before walking to their bedroom.
Atsushi stood alone in the balcony, the remnants of their dinner growing cold.
They both had their own confessions to make, but it would have to wait for another day...