*sad face*

It was official. You had to be dying. There was no other explanation to how you were feeling.

Your throat felt tight. Your chest hurt. You felt a strange need to stand up and pace or else something terrible would happen. Of course, you had no choice but to sit quietly and wait for class to end. But you didn't know how long you would last.
Fear had its iron grip on you, and it wasn't letting go any time soon. You took deep breaths, admittedly a bit quicker than you probably should. You barely realised when the teacher asked you a question.

"(___)? Did you hear me?" The teacher asked you, standing in front of your desk. You glanced up briefly.

"I'm sorry– what was the question?"

The teacher raised her eyebrow. "I asked if you're feeling alright?"

"I, uh, just feel a bit light-headed," You managed. You were quick to avoid the stomach ache excuse. Beside you, your best friend, Pavitr Prabhakar, slipped you a piece of paper as the teacher walked off, seemingly satisfied with your answer.

'What's wrong?' Pav's note read. You glanced at him before scribbling something down on the other side of the paper.

'I can't say' Your message read. Which was true. Because you feared if you said anything at all then what you feared most would inevitably happen.

Pav gave you a worried look from the corner of his eye before writing something else down.

'Why not?' He wrote.

'I just can't' You wrote. At this point in time, you were in such discomfort and your anxiety was so high you worried that you might panic yourself into what you most feared. Pav put his hand on your arm and gently rubbed it, trying to comfort you. It helped a little bit. Not much though.

~~

You hadn't eaten anything that day. Pav noticed, because why the fuck wouldn't he? It was during lunch that he noticed. You hadn't grabbed anything from the lunch line and you didn't pack anything either. He hadn't even seen you for the entire first half of lunch. He found out from another girl in your grade that you were hiding in the girl's bathroom during that time. You refused to take food from anyone who offered it.

He couldn't leave you alone in good faith when he found out you starved yourself like this for days on end. The first time he asked you about it you simply brushed him off. The second time he asked you tried reassuring him that you ust weren't hungry because you had a big breakfast. He knew that wasn't true because he noticed you hesitating to clutch at your stomach after it gave a small growl of discomfort during biology class. He saw how your face contorted into an expression that felt pain as your stomach growled.

The third time he asked you about it was when you snapped.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" You had asked him rather harshly. If he hadn't seen that look in your eyes (the look that he's come to realise you only use when you're needing help but don't want to ask for it) he might have thought you were actually angry at him.

"Because I want to be there for you! You shouldn't be starving yourself the way you are!" He had told you in a very uncharacteristically serious tone. "Just eat one thing? For me?"

You shook your head. You couldn't eat. If you ate, that would increase your chances of having the worst thing in the world happen to you. In your mind at least. It was an irrational fear, you knew, but that didn't mean you were any less afraid.

"You avoid everyone during lunch, all you do is sit in the bathroom," Pavitr said. He put his hand on your shoulder. "What is it that scares you so much?"

You couldn't say. If you said it, it would make it worse. Just the thought of what scared you out of your mind could send you into panic mode. You shook your head.

"I can't say," you choked out. Pav looked into your eyes.

"Listen, (___), if this is about how you perceive your body then you don't have to worry–"

You stopped him right there.

"It's not about that," You whisper anxiously. You wanted him to know. You want him to know so he could help you. But how could you tell him without actually telling him?

He looked like he was desperate. He wanted - no, he needed to help you - he needed his old best friend back. Because the girl he (secretly) fell in love with, he rarely ever saw. He couldn't let you wallow in your fears and doubts.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong…" He whispered back.

You could feel the tears forming behind your eyelids. You were so tired of thinking. So tired of feeling. So, so tired of constantly worrying. And along with worrying comes intrusive thoughts. And with intrusive thoughts comes overthinking. And with overthinking comes actively fighting to keep yourself afloat. And with actively fighting for your own survival comes self-loathing because why can't you just feel better?

"If it scares you that much, we need to figure out a way you can tell me what it is," Pavitr said. You nodded. He took your shaking hand and placed it in his own.

You simply nodded. Your throat felt too tight to even get out words. You would get through this. You hoped.

~~

Pav hadn't seen you like this in a long time. One day you had to stay home from school because you had a really bad panic attack (and you hadn't had a panic attack like this one in years, so it caught him off guard) and every day after that it's like your former self chipped away slowly before there was barely anything left.

He had invited you over for some chai. 'No food' he had promised you. He noticed you could barely stand just seeing food in the cafeteria the other day. Pav was determined to get to the bottom of this issue once and for all because over the past few weeks, he had noticed how much weight you had actually lost. You were practically swimming in your clothes at this point.

Around an hour before you were scheduled to come over, he did a quick patrol of the city just to make sure that nothing got in the way of his time with you. He needed this break just as much as you.

Pav rushed to the door as soon as he heard you knock.

"Hey, (___)," He threw his arms around you and pulled you in for a hug. He ignored the panicked feeling he got when he felt just how small you'd gotten. But he didn't say anything. The last thing he wanted was to sound accusatory or as if he was scolding you for something, which was a mistake he probably made when he confronted you earlier yesterday.

"Hey, Pav," You forced a smile. You were glad to see him, really. But not under the circumstances that you had anticipated. You already knew it was a confrontation, based on his body language and how he spoke to you. "So, uh, what do you wanna do?"

"Maybe we could play some video games? I just got the new Legend of Zelda game and I wanted to show you how far I've gotten," Pav told you excitedly. The chai had been forgotten. You followed him to his room (which technically by your parents rules you weren't allowed in under any circumstances, but Pav's aunty was very lenient when it came to these things).

The two of you sat together on his bed while you took turns playing the game. It was peaceful. So peaceful, you forgot about why you'd been so stressed for the past few days. You felt… content. When you realised this, you smiled to yourself. If only this could last forever.

Pav also noticed how at peace you looked. He smiled to himself as he watched you play the game, happily explaining Zelda lore to him as you played, whether it was relative to what you were doing or not. He didn't want to bring up your poor eating habits… but he also didn't want to let it slide. You meant something to him… sometimes he felt like you were more than just a friend to him in his eyes.
He was going to get himself a snack soon anyway. He'd bring it up then.

It was around two hours into playing the game (time flies when you're not overthinking every little thing) when he heard a small growling noise. He looked over from his game.

"Hungry?" He asked gently. He hoped you would at least try to eat something. He thought to himself, maybe since you were in a good mood you'd give it a shot.

You hesitated to answer. "M… maybe…" you managed, shoving those dumb stupid intrusive thoughts back down into the depths of your mind. You wanted to eat. For Pav. And also for yourself, because your hunger was entering the nausea stage of pain and that scared you more than not eating.

Pav smiled brightly. He saved his game and hopped off the bed.

"Wait here," He said over his shoulder, walking out of his room before you could follow. You sat alone in his room, fighting off your intrusive thoughts and trying to distract yourself while you waited. Not long after he left, Pavitr came back with a plate full of food. He put the plate on his nightstand (which was extremely cluttered). He took one from the plate and handed it to you.

You looked at the food with a cautious look in your eyes. 'What if I get food poisoning? How old is this food anyway? What if it's undercooked??' You thought worriedly. After glancing in Pavitr's direction, he gave you a reassuring smile. You smiled back and took the food in your own hand. Admittedly, you were a bit worried about the fact that Pavitr touched the food with his bare hands before handing it to you… but you reminded yourself that despite the state of his room (which was extremely messy), Pavitr was a very clean person.

You closed your eyes and took the smallest bite of the food you possibly could.

"Good job!!" Pav clapped for you. He watched as you took a few more bites before putting the food down, chewing slowly.

"Thanks…" You blushed as Pav congratulated you over something so small. Really, it was a bit embarrassing. But you still did it. You actually ate something. It was definitely out of your 'safe foods' category, but you still ate some of it. And it tasted good too!

"See, you're so brave, (___)!" Pav gave you a gentle side hug. He really was proud of you, you could hear it in his tone.

You smiled at him. Maybe things would be ok. Maybe you really could get over this irrational fear of yours. Maybe you did have hope. Pav then looked at you with a serious expression.

"(___), do you think you could tell me what scares you so much now?" He asked you gently. "If you tell me, I could probably help you. I mean, think about it, wouldn't I be more equipped to avoid what triggers you if I knew what it was you were so afraid of?"

You thought for a moment. He had a point. Maybe… maybe you could just tell him the name of your phobia. He could look it up if he doesn't know what it is.

You took a few deep breaths. "I– I have something called emetophobia…" You managed after some hesitation. You felt your heart rate quicken as you told him. "It's on the more… severe side too, and it makes me anxious about eating…"

"Some days it's all I can ever think about. I can't get out of bed, I can't go out in public–" you felt yourself begin to tear up. Your eyes burned. This would've been the first time today you cried, but definitely not the first cry of the week. You felt so vulnerable as Pav listened intently to what you were saying. You continued with what you were saying. "–just thinking about it makes me so nervous. I mean, at the time I was more worried about, y'know, getting sick, more than I was afraid of it turning into an eating disorder…"

You wiped away a few tears and sniffled a bit. "I was too late in realising that it probably had become an eating disorder, or at least similar to one, a few weeks ago when I weighed myself and found that I had lost five whole pounds in just two weeks! And the worst part is that I couldn't get over my emetophobia enough to actually get myself eating properly!"

Pav wiped away a few of your tears. He hated seeing you like this. "(___), I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner…" He felt guilty. As if it was partially his fault. He had never seen you this scared before. You had begun to claw at your thighs, a habit you had picked up to distract yourself from the anxiety. A habit that no longer distracted you. It just hurt you.

"And, I'm so tired! I'm so tired of waking up and being scared, I'm so tired of constantly being cautious of everything that I touch and everything that I eat!" You cried, shifting your gaze from Pav to the floor. "I don't want to be afraid anymore!"

Hot tears streamed down your face as you recalled how lonely and miserable the past few months have been. You were upset with yourself. You had never fully realised how often you worried about these things because you never took the time to reflect. Now, having this conversation with Pav was letting you reflect.

Pav hadn't fully comprehended how serious this could be for you. He watched you fight off your anxiety just talking about it. He watched as you clawed at yourself. So, he grabbed your wrists gently and held your hands in his to stop you.

"(___), why do you talk as if you're angry at yourself?" Pav asked you, rubbing the backs of your hands with his thumbs. You sniffed.

"Because… because…" You didn't know why you felt it was your fault. "I don't know… I don't know anymore…"

Pav slowly pulled you in for a hug as you began to cry harder. He should've picked up on the signs. You were suffering, and he couldn't see that? Only a few days ago when it was at its worst did he figure out that you were going through hell.

"Just breathe, ok? It's going to be ok, I'm right here," He whispered. He repeated those words as he hummed in your ear. He didn't know what to say, he's never been good at comforting people. He's good at bringing the mood up, but now wasn't the time for humour. Now was the time to just sit in each others presence. He needed to be an anchor for you.

After around ten or fifteen minutes, you felt your head spin as your weeping turned into sniffles and the occasional whimper. Your eyes were itchy and red. When you were calmed down enough, Pavitr moved you so he was looking into your eyes.

"Do you feel better?" He asked quietly, wiping away some stray tears with his thumb. You nod, sniffling, staring at the floor because you were embarrassed. You had never cried in front of anyone before. Crying in front of a friend or family member was one thing, but crying in front of your best friend and secret crush? That made you want to cringe.

"Let's get you fixed up, ok?"

Pav walked you to the bathroom and grabbed a face cloth. He wet it with lukewarm water and delicately rubbed your face so that the sticky feeling and tear stains were mostly gone. He brushed your hair for you, and moved it out of your face.

"Here," He handed you a pair of his pyjamas. A baggy white sweater and grey and black plaid pants. He wanted you to be comfortable. You changed out of your uncomfortable summer dress your mom wanted you to wear that day, and into Pav's pyjamas. You felt a bit better.

"Pav, I'm sorry, for–"

He placed two fingers over your mouth. "Don't finish that sentence. You don't have anything to apologise for."

You smiled. Without thinking, without even comprehending what you were doing, you placed a light kiss on his cheek. You immediately knew you messed up when you pulled away and saw the expression on Pav's face.

"Uh…uhm–" He stuttered, his face turning red. You played it off as if it was intentional (technically it was), and just walked past him without a word.
He put his hand to his cheek. 'Did she just… kiss me?' He thought to himself. He turned around to see if you were watching him. When he didn't see you, he pumped his fists in the air, silently mouthing the word 'yes' over again. He grinned widely, walking into his room to join you for a movie.

The two of you sat on his bed for the rest of the evening, watching a movie. 'I'll have to look up more about emetophobia later', Pavitr thought to himself. If he was going to help you (and hopefully get closer to you than he currently was. Which was basically him hoping he could gather the courage to ask you out one day.), he would need to know as much as he could.

You never wanted this peace to end. For once, you were happy with yourself.