"think you could maybe put up with your old man hanging around more often?"
Bucky took a deep, steadying breath as he stared up at the Barton family farmhouse. It had been two weeks since Natasha's funeral, and Peter was still here with Clint's family instead of coming home with him. Not that Bucky could blame the kid - their relationship was strained at best these days, ever since Peter had learned of his role in Tony's parents' deaths. Still, it hurt not having his son by his side as they grieved Natasha. Especially when she'd wanted so badly for them to bond as father and son before...
Well. No use dwelling on lost chances. Bucky was here now, finally ready to try and make things right with Peter. Clint had called yesterday and cautiously broached the idea of them talking, saying Peter seemed more open to it lately. Probably because he was desperate for some kind of family after losing Natasha so tragically. Whatever the reason, Bucky wasn't about to waste this opportunity. Taking one more steadying breath, he raised his hand and knocked.
Laura Barton opened the door, her kind face breaking into a warm smile at the sight of him. "Bucky! Please, come in."
"Thanks," he said gratefully, stepping inside. His sharp eyes catalogued the cozy, lived-in interior. Toys were scattered across the living room floor, and childish artwork adorned the fridge. The sounds of the three Barton children playing drifted in from outside. For all its chaotic messiness, it was a real home. Bucky hoped Peter had been able to find some small comfort here.
"Can I get you anything to drink?" Laura asked. "Coffee, tea?"
Bucky shook his head. "I'm fine, thanks."
Laura smiled knowingly. "Nervous?" she guessed.
He huffed out a weak laugh. "Is it that obvious?"
"Only because I'd be nervous too, in your shoes," she assured him gently. "But for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing, trying to reconnect with Peter. He needs you, now more than ever."
Bucky glanced away. "I wish I shared your confidence. The kid has every reason to hate me."
"Peter doesn't hate you," Laura countered. "He's hurt, and he's grieving, but his heart is too good for hatred." She rested a hand on Bucky's flesh arm. "Just talk to him honestly. Listen without judgment. That's all you can do."
Taking courage from her calm assurance, Bucky managed a small smile. "I'll try my best. Thanks for setting this up, by the way. I know it couldn't have been easy convincing the kid to hear me out."
Laura laughed. "Don't thank me, it was all Clint's idea. He's the one who spoke to Peter and insisted you two should talk. I think losing Natasha reminded Clint how important it is to cherish family while you still have the chance." Her eyes turned sad. "He didn't want Peter to have any more regrets."
Bucky's heart clenched. If only he'd realized that wisdom sooner. He'd lost so much time with his son already...but no more. Starting today, he was going to fight for a relationship with Peter, no matter how hard the road ahead.
At that moment, the back door banged open and Clint came in with Nathaniel up on his shoulders. The older kids ran in after him, jabbering excitedly about catching frogs by the pond. Laura quickly hushed them when she saw Bucky.
"Hey Buck," Clint greeted, lifting Nate down to the floor.
Bucky nodded back. "Clint. Thanks again for arranging this. I really owe you one."
Clint waved him off. "Don't mention it. I want this for Peter as much as you do." His expression turned solemn. "But I should warn you - the kid's still in a really raw place emotionally. It's gonna take time and patience to get through to him."
"Believe me, I know," Bucky sighed. "I just hope he's willing to give me that chance."
"He will be," Laura said confidently. She nodded out the back door. "Peter's in the barn loft. I'll keep the little ones occupied out here while you talk."
Bucky squared his shoulders. "Right. Well, guess I'd better do this."
Clint clapped him on the back. "Good luck. We'll be out here if you need anything."
Taking a deep breath, Bucky slipped out the back door and crossed the wide yard to the old barn. Inside, the hay-strewn space was pleasantly cool out of the sun. Bucky easily picked out the ladder leading up to the loft, but he hesitated before climbing up. His enhanced hearing caught the sound of sniffling and a hitched breath from above. Peter was crying, mourning his lost mother no doubt. The sound cut Bucky to the core. He desperately wished he could take this pain away from his child, but all he could do was try to help bear the burden.
Steeling himself, Bucky ascended the ladder and hoisted himself up into the loft. Peter sat hunched against the far wall, arms wrapped around his knees. He scrubbed roughly at his face when he saw Bucky, quickly wiping away any evidence of tears.
"Clint said you wanted to see me?" the boy asked dully, not quite meeting Bucky's eyes.
Bucky lowered himself gingerly to sit a few feet away, giving Peter his space. "Yeah, I did," he began awkwardly. "First off, I'm real sorry for your loss, Peter. I know you and your Mom were close."
Peter's face tightened with pain. "She was my mom for my whole fucking life. The only parent who stayed around."
"I know," Bucky said heavily. "And I'm so damn sorry I didn't do more to help you through this. That I wasn't..." He trailed off with a pained huff. That he hadn't been a proper father to Peter when he'd needed one most. But voicing that failure would only make this harder.
"Wasn't what?" Peter asked warily.
Bucky just shook his head. "It's not important. I'm here now, that's what matters. If you'll let me be." He met Peter's guarded eyes. "I'd like us to try and move forward, Peter. As father and son."
Peter tensed, looking away. "Did Clint put you up to this?" he muttered.
"No, though he did help arrange it," Bucky admitted. "But that's just because I asked him to. I know I'm pretty much the last person you want to see right now, but I meant what I said. I want to do right by you as your dad, make up for lost time. If you'll let me." He kept his tone open and sincere, willing Peter to see the truth of it.
For a long moment, the boy just stared at the floor, jaw working. When he finally met Bucky's gaze again, his eyes swam with pain and anger.
"Did you ever even want to be my father?" Peter bit out harshly.
The question slamming into his heart, more painful for its raw honesty. Swallowing hard, Bucky chose his next words carefully.
"Honestly? When Nat first told me about you, I was terrified," he admitted. "I've got so much darkness inside me, so much blood on my hands. The idea of being responsible for a kid..." He shook his head. "I was sure I'd just mess you up. So I pushed Natasha to keep it from you instead, figured you'd be better off that way."
Peter's face darkened. Before he could snap out an angry retort, Bucky pressed on quickly.
"But she was right, and I was wrong. Keeping the truth from you, it just hurt you worse in the end. And these past couple years, watching Natasha mother you so fiercely, realizing what I gave up..." His voice cracked slightly. "Biggest regret I have is not taking the chance to know my own son when I could. I should've trusted Nat that you'd be better off with me in your life, darkness and all. So no, I can't say I wanted to be your dad back then. But I do now, more than anything. If you can find it in yourself to give me that chance."
He fell silent then, watching Peter closely. The boy had glanced away again, brow furrowed in thought. When he finally looked back at Bucky, his anger had faded to leave only a bone-deep weariness.
"I don't know if I can do that," Peter admitted heavily. "Forget what you did, just pretend to be a happy family now."
Bucky's heart sank, though he'd expected that reaction. "I'm not asking you to forget, or pretend it never happened," he said gently. "I know I've caused you a world of pain, and that's something we'll always have to carry. But I'm hoping we can find a way to move forward together, even with the past between us." He offered Peter a small, hopeful smile. "No more lies or hiding from each other. If we're gonna be family now, it has to be built on trust and acceptance, darkness and all."
Peter's eyes searched Bucky's face, hesitant but also longing. "I want to believe that," he said quietly. "But every time I look at you, all I can think about is..." His voice cracked.
"My role in Tony's parents deaths," Bucky finished heavily. "I know. And you have every right to be angry at me for that."
Peter shook his head sharply. "It wasn't your fault. I know Hydra brainwashed you, turned you into their weapon." Pain flashed across his face. "But none of this wouldn't have happened. If you hadn't..."
If Bucky hadn't murdered Tony's parents, the Avengers could have stayed together and defeated Thanos the first time. The unspoken words hung heavy between them.
Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Bucky met Peter's conflicted gaze. "You're right. I missed out on raising you because of my actions," he acknowledged quietly. "And I know I could never replace Natasha, or make up for the life you lost. But I'm hoping I can still prove worthy of being your father now. If you'll let me try."
Peter just stared at him for a long moment, eyes glistening. When he finally replied, his voice was barely a whisper. "I want to. But it hurts." He blinked rapidly against the threaten tears. "It hurts so much, and I don't know how to make it stop."
Bucky's heart broke at the quiet admission. Slowly, carefully, he shifted closer across the floor until he could rest his flesh hand on Peter's shoulder.
"Neither do I," he admitted thickly. "But if we face it together, maybe it will hurt a little less. We don't have to forget the past to start healing from it."
Peter's breath hitched on what might have been a sob. Before Bucky even realized what was happening, the boy had lurched forward into his arms. Stunned, it took Bucky a moment to wrap his son in a fierce embrace. Peter buried his face in Bucky's shoulder, finally letting go of the tears he'd clearly been holding back this whole time. Hot moisture soaked into Bucky's shirt as he cradled the sobbing boy close.
"I know, I know," Bucky murmured. "Just let it out, son. I've got you."
He wasn't sure how long they stayed locked together, Peter's muffled sobs wracking them both. But finally, eventually, the tears slowed, and Peter pulled back with red-rimmed eyes.
"S-sorry," the boy mumbled, clearly embarrassed by his breakdown.
"You have nothing to apologize for," Bucky said firmly, keeping one hand on Peter's shoulder. "I'm your father, Peter. It's my job to be here for you, no matter what you're feeling. Always."
Peter nodded, swiping roughly at his wet cheeks. "I miss her so much," he rasped. "I feel so alone now."
"You're not alone," Bucky countered gently. "I know I'm a piss-poor substitute for Natasha, but I swear I'll be here for you from now on. However you need me to be." He offered Peter a tremulous smile. "Think you could maybe put up with your old man hanging around more often?"
Peter let out a weak huff that might have been an attempt at a laugh. "Yeah. I think I can do that." He met Bucky's eyes then with a seriousness beyond his years. "But only if you're really ready to be my dad for real. No more hiding from each other."
Bucky gripped Peter's shoulder tightly. "You have my word. I'm all in, Peter. I know I've got a lot to make up for, but I promise I'll spend the rest of my life trying if you let me."
Peter searched his face for a long moment before finally nodding. "Okay." He tentatively returned Bucky's smile. "I'd like to try being a real family too."
Joy and relief crashed over Bucky in a dizzying wave. Without thinking, he pulled Peter close again in a fierce hug. "Thank you for giving me this chance," he rasped. "I swear I'll make you proud to call me dad someday."
Peter's arms came up to return the embrace. "I know you will," he said softly. Then, so quietly Bucky almost missed it, "I love you, Dad."
Bucky's breath caught, heart swelling almost to bursting. "I love you too, son. So damn much."
They stayed clasped together as the sun sank lower in the sky, bathing them in warm light. The road ahead would be hard, but for the first time, Bucky truly believed they would make it. Peter was willing to try, and that was enough. More than Bucky could have ever dared hope for.
Finally Peter pulled back, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I, uh, should probably get inside and wash up before dinner," he mumbled.
Bucky smiled fondly at the self-conscious boy. "Of course. I should head out and let you be." He started to rise, then paused. "But Peter? My door's always open, whenever you need it. Home's not the same without you."
Peter ducked his head, but Bucky caught a hint of a pleased smile. "Thanks, Dad. I'll remember that."
With a final affectionate shoulder squeeze, Bucky descended from the loft and made his way outside. Clint and Laura sat on the porch steps watching the kids play, but they both looked up expectantly as Bucky emerged.
"Well? How'd it go?" Clint asked.
Unable to contain his joy, Bucky broke into a wide grin. "It went well. Really well. Thank you both, truly, for making this happen."
Laura beamed. "Oh Bucky, I'm so glad to hear that."
Clint smiled and clapped Bucky on the back. "Told you the kid would come around. He just needed time." His expression turned serious. "But you're gonna have to keep proving yourself to him. Peter's been through hell, and he's got every reason to be wary."
"I know," Bucky said heavily. "And I plan to spend every day earning his trust. All that matters now is being the father he deserves."
"You will be," Laura said warmly. "Natasha knew you were up to the task, even when you doubted yourself. Don't ever forget that."
At the mention of Natasha, Bucky sighed. "I just wish she were here to see it. She wanted this for Peter so much..." He trailed off, throat tightening.
Clint gripped his shoulder. "She knows, Buck. Wherever she is now, Nat's smiling down on you two."
Comforted by the thought, Bucky nodded. "Well, I'd better get home. Got a lot to do to make the place more welcoming for when Peter visits." He exchanged parting hugs with Clint and Laura.
"Thank you again for everything," Bucky told them sincerely. "Especially for taking my boy in when he had nowhere else to go. You'll always have my gratitude."
"Of course," Laura said. "Peter is family now. And we look after family."
With a final smile, Bucky headed for his bike. The future suddenly seemed so much brighter. He finally had a chance to make things right with his son. To earn Peter's trust, and build the relationship Natasha had wanted for them all along. It wouldn't be easy, but Bucky was ready to do the work.
As he rode off into the sunset, his heart felt lighter than it had in years.