Chapter 3
Bucky closed his eyes as Bruce instructed him to his memories. He could feel himself slipping back into them, as if entering a dream, but he didn’t fight it.
“Remember what it was like being the winter soldier” Bruce said in a soothing tone
Bucky knew he had to do it, but he really didn’t want to. He’s fought so hard to escape these memories and yet it was so easy to slip back into them
The barely conscious part of him was painfully aware of the fact that his whole team could see any images that popped in his head, so he actively tried to filter it. He knew he shouldn’t, it would take longer to get what they need that way, but at least he wouldn’t be airing out all of his sins.
Dont think just do what Bruce says
Bucky thought of being the soldier, trying to avoid the stomach turning parts of his experience and instead focusing on following mundane orders.
“you have to go deeper than that sergeant”
Bruce said it almost apologetically, but Bucky knew he was right. You couldn’t remember the events of a massacre without showing a little bit of blood
He thought back to the first time he was forced to kill. The first time that Hydra’s claws were fully in his mind.
The team watched as the memory flashed in front of them
“Soldat, убей цель”. an order to kill.
Bucky resisted it, he didn’t want to kill this target—no, man. He didn’t want to kill this man.
The Hydra agent didn’t repeat himself, he only sat and watched as Bucky struggled- fighting with his own consciousness.
The team watched as Bucky’s hand shook on the gun, sharing the heartache that they felt for their teammate
Bucky’s eyes squeezed shut and he grit his teeth. “No” he ground out, fighting the stabbing pain that was now forming in his mind- pushing him to comply. Bucky’s eyes snapped open now, a pinning stare into the eyes of his target. His whole body was shaking now, both with pain and effort. Frustration and fear laced his features. His expression didn’t change when tears betrayed his eyes; Bucky started screaming. He was losing, he knew he was losing
Tears left Steve’s own eyes as he watched his best friend fight as hard as he could to resist the urge to comply
A gunshot when off. All Bucky could hear was a muffled ‘thump’ and his own voice screaming “NOOOO!”
He dropped to his knees and his hearing returned to normal. He looked at his metal hand— the one he’d dropped the gun out of— as if it had betrayed him. He screamed again as tears continued falling and he punched the ground with the prosthetic as hard as he could.
“oh my gosh he’s trying to break it” Clint said, he could barely feel his limbs from the shock. Steve just rubbed a hand over his mouth hand jaw as Bucky continued screaming and hitting the ground in front of his eyes. Real Bucky looked tense, his eyebrows were knit together and a tear rolled out of the corner of his eye. He was fully in the memory now.
A foot flew Into the center of Bucky’s face before he even realized someone was walking towards him. The force was enough to send him rolling onto his stomach and to turn his despair in to unadulterated rage.
“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” He screamed with his chest as he scrambled to stand in front of the man who had issued the order. Dirt and blood crusted on his face as he stalked over the the man.
“I merely made sure you were functional” the man returned with a stoic and demanding tone. Bucky pulled his arm back, ready to punch the agent in the face, but was quickly cut off when stunning electricity was shot into him by one of the guards. Bucky choked out a small scream when he collapsed to the floor, muscles spent and barely able to move. “ты научишься, soldat.” The man spat at Bucky. “I can’t understand you!” Bucky yelled with pure anger and frustration “I don’t know Russian you idiot!” All this earned him was another kick.
“Put it in the sensory deprivation chamber for a couple days, then you have permission to do as you see fit to conclude it’s punishment.” The agent said as the guards bent to lift Bucky.
“Wait- no I did what you wanted! I killed him!” Bucky said with as much force as he could muster.
“You resisted, attempted to damage Hydra property, and attempted to assault an agent.” The man replied, looming over him.
The guards grabbed under Bucky's shoulders and hoisted him up. The soldier struggled and tried to shake them off when they were dragging him away, making noise and threats. The guards halted, one punched Bucky in the face, sending blood splattering to the ground, and grabbed Bucky harshly by the cheeks with one hand. He still struggled to free himself from the man’s grip until his head was yanked closer and the guard whispered something only Bucky could hear in Russian. They’d only just begun teaching him Russian, but he’d heard “Увидимся вечером” enough to know what it entailed.
Bucky went chillingly still on the video-like image in front of them, he stopped resisting and gagged moments after the Russian words came out of his captor’s snickering mouth. Natasha was pale.
She swallowed. “That’s enough. Let’s go to a closer memory.” The memory was still playing.
“Nat what did he say? What was that?” Steve said with concern. The rest of the team’s eyes were glued to the scene in front of them.
Bucky was dragged to his cell and thrown onto the cot in it. The guard walked over and slammed the door shut, but he didn’t leave the room.
“Bruce get him out of this memory!” Now!” Natasha said trying to sound angry, but only succeeding in sounding frantic.
—
“Okay Buck, think back to the Socovian massacre, go there.” Bruce said in a calm tone. Natasha visually deflated, but she was still tense.
“Natasha! What was that?!” Steve was getting angry now, fear grew in his stomach. “Drop it!” She bit back. Their attention was pulled back to Bucky’s memories when they heard his gravelly voice rattling out monotone Russian.
“What’s he saying miss Natasha?” Peter said, fascinated at the language. “Just robot sounding stuff, nothing important.” She was focused now, they all were.
They watched as Bucky was instructed to get the blueprints to the weapons technology by any means necessary. If they didn’t know it was Bucky’s memories, they couldn’t have guessed it was their friend. He had an entirely new demeanor and no longer prepared for fights with such a laser focus like they were seeing now. He loaded his weapons and buckled straps more forcefully than he probably needed to before confidently walking out into the battlefield. “leave no witnesses” said the Hydra operative, to which Bucky simply nodded. They watched as he crouched behind objects, shot bystanders without batting an eye, and moved towards his destination with ease. He was a machine, so graceful and calculated as if it’s the only thing occupying his mind.
There was such a contrast with this Bucky and the Bucky that hadn’t been fully brainwashed, the one they’d seen only seconds ago. They knew that it was likely many lifetimes before this memory, but that fact didn’t keep the Bucky who now understood and spoke Russian with perfect inflection and killed as if it was inconsequential from startling them.
He got into the building with little struggle and he spoke into his comms, “Я нахожусь в”- I am in.
2 Hydra operatives filed in behind him, 1 holding that dreadful mask. “No more talking soldat” and with that, the mask was snug on the winter soldier’s face without protest.
While they watched as Bucky remained complicit in the scene flashing in front of them, real-life Bucky had the opposite reaction. He jerked his head to the right a couple times before settling back down.
He looked like he was peacefully sleeping, but the team knew better.