Requiem
Loki laid on his bed, in his chambers, above the covers, with Frigga sitting in a chair next to the bed gently stroking his hair. He was clean, dressed in his signature green armor, a serene look on his face, as if he was merely sleeping, dreaming of something wonderful.
Frigga allowed herself a small smile while looking at his features. She had irrationally feared she wouldn't be able to pour her own magic onto his body, that somehow his true form would seep out now that his seidr has abandoned him at once with his life. When finally he breathed his final breath, and his eyes closed for the last time just as that cursed creature began to scream, only then did she allow the guards to open the cell. She brought him up to his chambers herself, using a small protection spell to stave off most of the frost bite as she slowly walked both of them up here. She drew a bath for him using magic, washing all the blood and sweat off of him after magically closing off the incision she made to take out the...fetus..., then dressed him up and took him to bed, all the while trying not to look at his skin.
She has raised him since he was a baby, no matter how much he would detest himself, his appearance or heritage, he was and will forever be hers, blue skin or not, but she knew Loki wouldn't want to be seen like this. Once she was done preparing the body, she laid him down as carefully as she could on the bed before allowing some of her magic inside of Loki. In an instant his milky white skin was back, and Frigga allowed herself to breathe, as she sat down and began moving her fingers slowly through his hair.
It was a familiar gesture, one she used to put him to sleep when he would wake up from a nightmare, eyes wide and terrified as he clung to her no matter how many times she explained to him there were no monsters in the shadows in his room waiting to steal him away.
You'll spoil him, Odin would say once their youngest was asleep and Frigga would make her way back to their chamber, A prince of Asgard needs to be strong, he cannot come running to mommy every time he gets scared.
He doesn't come to me everytime he's scared, she would point out
As if he heard them through the walls, Loki never came to her room again after that night, he never held her hand when they would read alone in his room or cry when one of Thor's friends would mock him either. Instead, he began perfecting his magic, learning how to shapeshift into basic creatures and put on an unquivering glamour before he was old enough to read. By 700 years he was already summoning storms and shifting himself into flame spewing dragons or taking the form of people he may have seen only once, playing their part so perfectly not even Odin had been able to tell the difference when Loki took the place of a visiting King for his entire two days visit, even signing the Treaty he was summoned for in the King's name. They only found out when, the same day Frigga and Odin bid the "King" farewell and watched his carriage disappear into the distance, he was found passed out in a previously vacant room, surrounded by wine bottles.
It was the first time Frigga had seen Odin truly lose his temper at her younger son.
I did it for Asgard. he protested, when brought in front of Odin's throne, the room unusually vacant of spectators, save for Frigga herself.
He was a mindless drunk, he chose to drink himself to oblivion without even trying to get out the moment he saw the wine! HE didn't even realize he wasn't the one to sign the treaty. He would have brought us to RUIN and you know that!
THAT IS NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE! Odin bellowed
You are just a prince, a second born at that, you had no business mingling into affairs of the state!
Two months into the dungeons, was his punishment. Two weeks for trying to do what was right by Asgard, for trying to keep them safe.
Frigga never said anything. It was one of her biggest regrets in life, that she never fought for Loki then, because the Loki that came out was changed.
HE was quieter, meaner, causing trouble whenever and however he possibly could, from sending freshly washed clothes and sheets flying into the nearest puddles, to cutting half of poor Sif's hair as she slept. Odin took it as his "true nature" finally coming out, insisting that it was time for Loki to learn of his true heritage.
"What difference would it make?" she protested "He would be the same whether he knows or not."
He needs to know what he could become if he doesn't stop with this none sense. Don't you see? Every day it's growing worse and worse!
He's still a boy, it's just a phase. He will grow out of it.
Odin didn't end up telling Loki anything, and chose instead to leave it to Frigga to tell her son the truth whenever she saw fit.
She feels a tear go down her cheek as her fingers wonder from his dark curls to his ice cold skin.
She never saw it fit in the end.
Whenever the thought of telling him came to her, it just happened that Loki was in a joyous mood, truly joyous, laughing and joking with his brother, which happened so rarely after the change began to happen, that she didn't have the heart to ruin it for him. Other times, worse, he was in one of his sulking moods, when he would lock himself in his room or the library for days, barely coming out even to eat, always caught into some new passion of his, yet always looking so sad and lonely it broke Frigga's heart. She couldn't possibly tell him then, possibly making whatever torturous thoughts he had worse, perhaps unintentionally pushing him to do something awful.
When that horrible day came, when Odin came to her, carrying Loki's helmet in his hands, he fell, Odin said, Frigga felt the burden of her cowardice like the sky crushed down on her shoulders, sending her to her knees, the grief and shame overwhelming.
We should have told him! she howled as Odin helped her back on her feet
We should have told him, we should have told him....
"We should have told him." she whispers to the dark figure watching her from the corner of the room
"We should have," Odin agrees, "But we didn't. There is nothing to do now."
Her hand stops, on top of Loki's head, as she feels the rage bubbling inside and she closes her eyes. She's too tired for this
"You told me he fell."
It takes all she has not to jerk away from the hand he lays on her shoulder.
"I didn't want to upset you more."
"Didn't want to upset me more...." she mumbles "What about when Thor brought him back to us then?"
"You know the procedure, the sentencing for war crimes is always done privately."
"And before that?"
She stands up, turning to face her so called husband, a man she once tricked herself into loving that now she could barely stop herself from turning into shreds.
"When he came back, when Thor, brought him back, you would even let me see him in his cell before he was brought to you. Wouldn't even stop to wonder how and why he made his way to Midgard, when he should have died two years ago. The horrors he's been through..."
She hides the sob escaping from her throat behind her palm as her eyes pool with tears. Odin, to his credit, has at least the decency to look down, ashamed.
"I am king, before I am a father. I had to think of the kingdom, with what he's done in the past...."
"And what has he done in the past? Killed our enemies? Made sure we never had to live in fear again. You cannot tell me you were afraid of a war. Midgard had no way of reaching us. You were afraid that your failure would shine again in your youngest child. And you sacrificed him for it."
"Do you think it was easy for me? He was my son too!"
"Your son?" she asked, unable to contain to amusement in her voice
It vanishes as soon as it appeared.
"He was never a son to you. He was a spoil of war, something to hold over Laufey in the hope he might one day offer you peace for his runt that he abandoned. You hated him, seen Laufey in him always, didn't you?"
"I did what I thought was right."
"As you always had."
As the anger vanishes, she slumps down in her chair, too tired and devastated to care about how unlady like she looks. She's not stroking his hair anymore, simply watching, and listening to her heart cry tears she can't she anymore.
"I failed him."
Odin comes to her side, but thankfully, he doesn't try to comfort her anymore. Nor does he say anything.
"I should have known something was wrong, should have known he was still alive but I-What kind of mother am I?"
He hesitates a moment before talking
"One who tried her best."
Frigga sighs, her best wasn't enough.
"Thor?"
" I haven't told him yet. Heimdall says he is still in the fire of battle, as soon as it is over I will go to take him home."
She nods, absently.
"What will we tell him when he comes back?"
"That his brother's life was claimed by an unknown illness."
Frigga sighed inward. A part of her wanted Thor to know, wanted him to know how his brother suffered, how much he fought before Thanos corrupted his mind, how little control he had over what happened in Midgard, how Thanos left a mark so heinous on Loki he would rather die than live another day to face the trauma. Still, Just the thought of having to explain to another person what had happened made her want to collapse with exhaustion. Maybe she will explain the truth to Thor eventually, but right now there were other things to concern about.
"Are the funeral arrangements ready?"
"Yes, it will happen tomorrow at noon. Hopefully Thor will be back by then."
She nodded.
"What of the creature?"
They both instinctively turned to the darkest corner of the room, where the reason for all this sorrow, laid quietly in a crib.
"I thought to let you decide, since you were the one to deliver it into the world."
Frigga walked over to the crib, resting her hands on the rail of the crib. She looked down, carefully examining the fetus for the first time. It was ridiculously big for a newborn, about the size of a 3 year old Asgardian child, skin a mix of blue and purple, the runes, characteristic for Jotun folk barely noticeable on it's square forehead. It barely made a sound as it slept, blissfully unaware his fate was debated right above him.
She couldn't feel any sympathy for the hybrid. She tried, when she first pulled it out of Loki's stomach, when she held it in her arms as she watched the light leave Loki's eyes, yet she couldn't feel anything but distain and hatred even as it was pulled from her hands and handed over to a nurse maid. If she wasn't so exhausted and focused on her grief she would have yelled at the woman for placing it in her son's old room, tainting the last relics she had of who he used to be.
"It killed my son," she laid quietly
"It's just a baby. Frigga."
"You didn't have to slaughter your child for this thing to be born, you don't get to talk," she spat
Odin sighed, reaching over her shoulder for the infants neck.
Right before his fingers wrapped around it, Frigga clenched her fingers around his arm
"Stop! she called, "I want to do it."
Odin turned to her, his one eye filled with concern
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Alone."
He nodded back and left. Frigga watched the door close behind her husband before turning to face the creature again and quickly, before she could think about it, she placed a hand tightly over it's nose and mouth. The creature woke up quickly, desperately thrashing around, trying to get away. It's eyes also snapped open, tears pouring out of them and Frigga gasped, watching the same eyes she saw 1074 years ago look at her for just a moment before turning back to green, as Odin presented her their youngest child.
She shut her eyes, pressing both her hands as hard as she could on the infants mouth to muffle his screams, until finally, the thrashing stopped.
"I am so sorry," she sobbed, as she turned her back to the crib
She sat back in her chair and with shaky hands took Loki's hand to her forehead and sobbed.