“Ma?”
Yelena turned away from her computer screen to look in the doorway where her third youngest daughter was lingering. She hadn’t heard the girl enter, having been too engrossed in the research she had been doing regarding the Widows left to be freed. “Yes?”
Varvara shuffled in place, pressing her lips together as she looked to the side. It was obvious that something was bothering her although Yelena never knew her as one to shy away from blurting out whatever was on her mind.
“You can talk to me, Vars,” Yelena encouraged softly, beckoning the curly-haired girl further into her room.
Varvara shuffled forward a few feet, slumping in on herself. When she was within arms reach, she paused and plucked at the hem of her shirt. “Daria’s having a bad day.”
Yelena blinked in surprise. “She is?”
Daria had seemed alright to hear earlier. If she was struggling then the girl usually would have sought her out and demanded snuggles from her. But Yelena hadn’t seen the girl since lunch, which wasn’t that uncommon.
“Yeah,” Varvara mumbled, not resisting when Yelena reached out to pull her closer. “And I can’t help her, she won’t let me. I tried because she was all curled up in her bed but then she hit me--”
Yelena straightened up in concern. “She hit you?” Daria wasn’t the type to get violent, even if she was triggered.
Varvara gave a small shrug, trying to brush it off. “Not hard,” she clarified as if she was afraid that Daria would get into trouble. “Just-- just a little shove to my face to make me move, that’s all.”
Yelena stood and moved toward her daughter, reaching out to cradle her face in her hands to look for marks. Varvara let out a tired sigh and leaned into the touch.
“Can you make it better, Ma?” Varvara asked quietly, peering up at Yelena with wide, hopeful eyes.
“I’m gonna do my best, beautiful girl,” Yelena promised, tilting Varvara’s head forward to kiss her forehead. “Go settle down with one of the others while I speak to her.”
Varvara gave her a small smile before she scampered off to go bug one of the others. Yelena moved to go check in on her youngest, heading down the hallway and pushing open the door that had already been left cracked.
Sure enough, there in the middle of the two mattresses posing as a double bed, was a tiny lump curled up in a nest of blankets. The lights in the room had been shut off, the only source of illumination being the nightlight plugged into the wall and light spilling in from behind closed curtains. Yelena approached the bed cautiously, ensuring that she made enough noise so she didn’t spook the occupant.
“Daria?” Yelena reached out to touch the form, jolting back when a foot wiggled free from the tangle of blankets to kick at her. “Daria, uncover your face and look at me.”
The foot disappeared back under the blanket and the covers were drawn tighter around the tiny form, the foot tucked back under securely.
“I need to talk to you, Daria. I can’t do that if I can’t see your face.” Yelena watched the lump with a small frown. “I want to talk with you, Daria, not at you. I heard you hit Varvara. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
The form on the bed doesn’t budge and worry starts to fill Yelena at the lack of a reaction. She reached out once again and gripped the corner of the blanket. She didn’t manage to move it more than a few inches before Daria suddenly rolled onto her back to free her lower half and kicked Yelena’s arm hard enough to break the grip on the blanket.
Yelena hissed slightly at the throbbing in her forearm, trying to shake the pain off knowing that it was more startlement than actual pain. “Daria Belova, you know that we do not hit or kick people!”
The girl in the bed attempted to roll back into the covers and let out a deep huff. Yelena took a few deep breaths, a little lost on how to handle the sudden violent behavior from her usually sweet and shy girl.
“Daria, do not make me repeat myself or I’m going to have to start giving out punishments,” she finally warned. It was so rare that Yelena actually did have to dole out punishment because a warning was usually almost always enough to snap her girls out of whatever they were doing that they shouldn’t have been.
A long drawn-out groan was audible from under the covers. Yelena reached for the blanket again, this time avoiding the legs sent her way, wrapping her hands around the ankles and pushing them back onto the bed. She tugged the blanket off Daria’s head and was finally met with a glare, Daria’s lips twisted into a deep scowl, the girl clearly unhappy with her.
“Look at me.” Yelena’s use of the firm tone finally caught Daria’s attention and brown eyes latch onto Yelena’s face. “You can be in a bad mood but we do not hit or kick people in this family.”
For a moment, Yelena saw the flicker of guilt and shame cross Daria’s face, the girl averting her eyes.
“If you would like some more time to calm down then I need you to tell me that, but we are either going to talk now or we are going to talk in ten minutes. Which one do you pick?”
It was quiet for a few moments as Daria stared at the wall before holding up two fingers.
“Okay. Come to my room in ten minutes.” Yelena reached out for the alarm clock on the nightstand and set the alarm for ten minutes. “If you’re not there then I’m going to come back and get you.”
As soon as Yelena left the room, she took a deep breath and leaned against the wall to collect herself. She jumped slightly when she suddenly noticed the head of dark hair lingering in the doorway of the room nearby.
“Mama?” Ksenia asked softly, warily eyeing the door to Varvara and Daria’s room. “Is… is everything okay?”
“Everything’s alright, Nia,” Yelena said quietly, opening her arms up. The girl scampered across the hall and into Yelena’s arms to wrap around her.
“You raised your voice,” Ksenia whispered into Yelena’s shirt. “Is Daria in trouble?”
Yelena frowned as she considered how to answer. “Daria is having a bad day and isn’t making some very good choices right now.”
Ksenia pressed her cheek against Yelena’s chest. “You didn’t answer my question,” she pointed out.
“I don’t want to punish her, you know that I never do, but we have rules in place for a reason.” Yelena carded her fingers through Ksenia’s hair. “Why do we have rules, Ksenia?”
“To keep us safe, healthy, and happy,” Ksenia obediently recited. “And when you break a rule then you get punished.”
“That’s right,” Yelena praised softly, kissing the top of her head as she felt Ksenia preen. “I need to go to my room to prepare for a talk with Daria. I’m sorry for raising my voice and startling you.”
Ksenia leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss Yelena’s cheek. “I know, Mama.” She pulled away and smiled before returning to her room and leaving once again a few moments later with her blankie to head downstairs and away from the possible conflict that may occur.
Yelena returned to the master bedroom and paused when she saw the oversized sweatshirt hanging on a hook on the back of the closet. She approached it and eyed it for a moment before tugging it off and pulling it over her head. She wasn’t sure what kind of conversation she was going to be walking into but she knew that she needed to be prepared for anything.
From there, Yelena waited at her computer and kept an eye on the clock. She heard the alarm sound in the next room over and then it was quiet, a few minutes dragging by. Just as Yelena was ready to go fetch her, the door to the room opened and Daria stood there.
Yelena was surprised that Daria’s stuffed penguin Popper wasn’t anywhere in sight. The girl usually took the toy with her everywhere she went in the house. Instead, Daria’s fingers were curled into fists and she stared down at her socked feet as she waited in the doorway to be invited inside.
Yelena moved from her desk to the bed and patted the spot next to her. “Come sit.”
Daria slowly crossed the room and climbed onto the bed to sit next to her, still refusing to make eye contact.
“You didn’t bring your book?” Yelena noted the absence of the notebook that Daria usually used to communicate. “Do you want to sign instead?”
Daria shrugged slightly.
“Daria, look at me,” Yelena said and Daria turned her head but her eyes still didn’t quite meet Yelena’s face. “I want to have a conversation with you. A conversation is between two people. I don’t want to talk at you, I want to talk with you, I want a reply. Do you understand?”
Daria gave a small nod.
“Okay. I’m going to start talking,” Yelena said before she took a deep breath. “I want you to know that I’m not angry or upset with you. I’m worried because you’re acting very out of it today. You don’t usually hit or kick people, and you don’t break the rules. I want to know what is upsetting you so that I can help and support you however I can. Okay?”
Daria slowly nodded after a few moments when she realized Yelena was waiting for an answer.
“Okay,” Yelena nodded her head back. “Can we talk about why you’re so upset?”
Daria shook her head firmly. While Yelena knew it was a possibility, it still startled her that Daria refused.
“No?” Yelena tried to keep her tone even. “You know that I respect your privacy and that I’m never gonna force you to talk about something you don’t want to, but I want to help you. Remember how sometimes getting bad things off our chest makes us feel better? Did something happen to make you upset?”
Daria took a slow breath, her fingers running along the seam on the toes of her brightly colored socks. She didn’t look like she was paying attention but Yelena knew that she was just trying to think of how to reply so she gave her a few moments to do so.
Daria finally shrugged and mimed writing. Yelena reached out for the notepad and marker she kept on the nightstand for nights when a girl would crawl into her bed but either couldn’t or was too upset to communicate with her. She held them out to Daria who took them and uncapped the marker.
She stared at the notepad briefly before touching the marker down to the page.
Yelena waited patiently for Daria to finish writing down what she wanted. Daria shoved the notebook back at her and Yelena fumbled to catch it.
DON’T WANNA TALK. DON’T WANNA THINK. DON’T WANNA DO THIS.
Yelena closed her eyes to take a slow breath. She felt frustrated because she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to navigate the new situation. “I appreciate you telling me how you feel.”
Daria let out a grunt, tugging at the seam on her sock.
“Even if you aren’t feeling good or having a bad day, you know that you can’t hit people. You hit Varvara and you kicked me,” Yelena reminded her. She finally saw Daria shrink in on herself in shame. “I know that sometimes it is hard to stop ourselves when we are angry. We make mistakes. But we own up to them and we apologize.”
Daria glanced at Yelena briefly before reaching a hand up to rub circles on her chest with a fist to sign “sorry” to Yelena.
“I know. Thank you for your apology. I forgive you.” Yelena set her hand between them, her palm facing the ceiling in case Daria wished to take it. “I have bad days too sometimes. Sometimes I get so angry that I want to break things and sometimes I get so sad that I want to sleep. Do you know why that happens?”
Daria finally looked up at Yelena with a frown, confusion on her face smoothing out the scowl that had been there previously.
Yelena treaded carefully as she spoke. “It’s because of the chemical subjugation that they put us under. It made it so our brains didn’t grow and learn like they should have. We have a hard time with our emotions. That’s why we do meditation and why we take breaks when frustrated. But it still gets to be too much sometimes, doesn’t it?”
Daria slowly nodded and Yelena finally saw the first sign of a wobbly lower lip, a sign that Daria’s anger was going to fade into frustrated tears.
“I don’t know what made you so angry but remember that we can’t give that anger to other people because it’s not theirs.” Yelena recalled reading all those textbooks on the brain in some attempt to understand her own emotions better so that she could help her girls.
Daria reached out for the notebook after a second and Yelena passed it over.
SAW SOMETHING ON TV. MADE ME THINK OF SOMETHING BAD. DIDN’T LIKE IT. WANTED IT TO GO AWAY. MAD.
Yelena would have to ask what was playing on the television later on so that she could add it to the growing list of movies and television shows that were off-limits. “It’s upsetting to see something we weren’t expecting and it makes us think of bad things.”
Daria nodded slowly, letting out another huff and squeezing her eyes shut as she no doubt recalled what she had seen.
“You know what?” Yelena figured that Daria wasn’t likely to lash out with another kick anytime soon. “A mama roo needs her little baby roo.”
Daria’s head jerked toward her, eyes popping open in surprise as she just then realized what Yelena was wearing. She frowned in confusion and Yelena knew what was on her mind.
“I’m not upset with you,” Yelena reminded her gently. “And I think that a certain little roo needs some time in their pocket.”
Daria chewed on her lower lip for a moment before she crawled forward. Yelena helped Daria get settled under the sweatshirt, wrapping her arms around the form under the fabric and rubbing Daria’s back.
“There we go,” Yelena cooed softly as Daria pressed her head against Yelena’s chest to listen to her heart. Yelena slowly felt Daria tense and melt into her as the minutes ticked by. “Do you remember what your Aunt Nat said a baby roo was called?”
She heard Daria take a few deep breaths before a breathy whisper came. “Joey…”
Yelena smiled at the soft tone, knowing that Daria was definitely decompressing if she was willing to use her voice. “Yup. A mama roo and her joey.”
Daria let out a quiet hum, tracing letters against Yelena’s side to reply.
Yelena laughed softly. “That’s right. We’re a Mama Roo and her Ria.”
Daria leaned further into her and Yelena started to hum, relieved that she had managed to get through to her youngest.
Kangaroo time hasn’t failed her yet.