Yelena couldn’t help but feel lost, every since she was a little girl she did, life screwed her over, she had major trauma, PTSD, abandonment issues and many other things that still needed to be worked out in therapy. One thing that was brought up multiple times were relationships and dating, she always assumed she wasn’t ready, that she just felt broken, that as soon as she got fixed she would do all of the normal stuff - date, love others in that special way she hasn’t loved anyone yet, but as days and months passed she saw no change, she still felt trapped on every date she went out on as soon as things were becoming too overwhelming for her. At some point the topic was dropped to he renewed im therapy later on, as nothing seemed to work to fix her. She was unfixable, broken forever and she hated it.
That thought made her heart ache, made her stomach hurt, she somewhat also found joy and comfort in that, in loneliness. She hated the thought at times, but it seemed so precious at other times, so convenient and comfortable, like it fit her, but it’s not normal, so she had to fix herself… or so she believed. It was rainy Tuesday, a meaningless day that changed everything for her, that showed her a new path, her path.
Yelena wandered around, with no apparent destination, she left the bar in a rush just to walk around in rain, passing couples, families and singles all running from the rain as she soaked, with no umbrella or a hoodie, she just walked, her hair and clothes dripping wet but she couldn’t care less at the moment. She stopped at one point, as she looked around recognising the neighbourhood - she was here multiple times, ever since she tried to kill Clint Barton, she and Kate run into each other multiple other times afterwards, which as one would assume correctly was very awkward. As time passed the two even kept in touch, Yelena send Kate post cards from all around the world and got back NYC postcards, which she kept all, as souvenirs.
Yelena moved towards Kate’s apartment, she was soaking wet and just now it hit her how her clothes were uncomfortably sticking to her skin. She walked towards the door, it felt like forever before she reached them, her hand was shaking as she knocked on the door. The door opened soon enough, Kate had her hair in a messy up-do, her makeup was clearly off and there was a fresh bruise on her face, right on the side of her forehead. She was wearing a dark purple sweater alongside grey sweatpants. Yelena stood straight as she unconsciously clenched her jaw and looked at Kate in silence for a moment.
“Hey… I wasn’t—“ Kate spoke hesitantly, but was interrupted as Yelena walked into the apartment, uninvited.
“We need to talk.” Yelena spoke firmly, as she moved her hair back, trying to unstick all the blonde hair pieces from her face.
Kate’s eyes looked at the woman, scanning her up and down. Yelena’s yellow jacket was dripping with water, right onto Kate’s tiles, so were her midnight blue pants and the white t-shirt hidden under the jacket.
“First, you get warm!” Kate demanded as she locked the door behind herself and pointed to her bedroom, in an attempt to communicate to Yelena that she can take her clothes, Kate on the other hand started to make tea.
The two sat in comfortable clothes with their hair up, covered in blanket with a warm cup of tea in their hands. Yelena was staring at Kate for a second before she spoke up, her voice not as confident as before, she paused a lot and repeated herself couple times before she said the whole thing.
“I think- I think I might be… broken.” She mumbled, looking down at her tea cup.
“Why?” Kate questioned the woman, trying to figure out what exactly the unexpected visit was about. She sipped her tea, making sure to stay focused on Yelena.
“I don’t- I don’t love… It’s like I’m heartless…”
“You don’t love?” Kate furrowed her brows, she had a hint, an idea of where Yelena was going with this, but didn’t want to scare the woman, so she simply listened.
“Like… I love… But not like I’m supposed to. I love my sister and I love my dog… I love vodka, I love my family and all that… But I don’t love love, you know?”
“You mean, romantic love?”
“Yes, that.” She paused for a moment as silence filled the room. “That is a fancy word for love.”
“Well we have different types of love…” Kate started slowly, as Yelena seemed to be still in her head, she wanted Yelena to let it all out, it would definitely help the woman - to share.
“I just… I don’t get it, why don’t I feel it? What is wrong with me? Why me? And I- I… I want to feel it, I want to love and I want to be normal and I- I just… I don’t understand…” She paused, before continuing the rant, Kate simply listened.
“I want to love and to be loved and I want to understand love love… I thought I did… But I’m not sure anymore. It’s not right, it’s not…” Yelena breathed out sharply.
“Yelena, breathe…” Kate smiled reassuringly as she put her cup down. “It’s okay.” She nodded as she spoke. “You don’t have to love… besides love is such a smaller thing then people make it out to be.” Kate placed a reassuring hand on Yelena’s shoulder as she continued to speak.
“You’re not broken, you don’t need to be fixed, you’re not lacking or missing out. You’re completely fine, completely normal and completely valid. You don’t need love, romantic, platonic, familial, it doesn’t matter… There’s so much more then love to live for… No matter what you feel, how you feel, what love you feel or don’t feel, it doesn’t make you less, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you disgusting.”
Kate shifted in her seat, Yelena looked at the woman, she wanted her to continue to speak to say more. To reassure her, that she was fine, that she will feel it, but that’s not quite where Kate was going.
“You don’t need it now or ever. Your inability to love same way as others do doesn’t make you less. You might love in whatever way you want to someday but you might not… Both are alright, okay?” Kate smiled warmly at Yelena.
“But that’s not…” Yelena mumbled softly as she seemed to be processing what Kate was saying.
“It’s fine.” Kate nodded slowly. “You being different doesn’t make you less and you’re never alone, okay?”
Yelena nodded at Kate’s words, still slightly lost.
“Ever heard about aromanticism and asexuality?” Kate asked catching Yelena’s attention.
“No…What’s that?”
“If you’re on the aromantic spectrum - it means you experience little to no romantic attraction or you experience it only under certain circumstances. Being asexual is the same but with sexual attraction.”
“So little to no sexual attraction or only under certain circumstances?”
“Yeah, exactly!” Kate’s voice went high pitched as she got overly excited, but had no intention to hide it. “There’s a lot more too… Like A-Spec, with identities like aplatonic, afamilial and such…”
A light sigh and an ‘oh’ left Yelena’s mouth as she seemed to understand the information.
“So I’m that?”
“I can’t tell you that… But I can help you do some research, how about that?”
“Yeah…Let’s do that.” Yelena nodded with a determined look in her eyes.