Armored Heart
I could feel my heart breaking in my ribcage all over again as I reread my favorite fanfiction. It had taken me all day to read… there were moments where I had to set my tablet down and just breathe through the overwhelming feelings. I had cried so much over the last few months, I convinced myself that I really couldn't cry that much ever again.
But I had made that conviction many times before. I had only gotten up to make coffee and food when needed. My new medication made me nauseated so I couldn't eat very much anymore. The cup of tea next to me grew cold as I had covered myself with a blanket, wearing a large black hoodie and black and striped stockings. My eyes felt as though they would be pushed out of my head. The pounding in my head had claimed a steady beat against my temples for the day.
I felt a shift against my feet and looked down to see two tortoise-shelled cats curled up next to them. Zeus, the darker and sleeker cat, breathed deeply as she slept and stretched. Hercules' lighter colored coat shone in the sunlight as she basked, belly up. My heart warmed and melted slightly at the sight of the two curled up next to each other. I offered each one a few pats, being careful not to disturb them too much. It was hard to believe I would love two creatures so much.
As the thought came to me, it was quickly turned: it may be hard to believe now after …
"Nope," I muttered sternly. "We aren't doing that today."
I slowly stood up, using as much balance and grace as possible to unravel my body from the large blanket. I glanced down at the two felines.
Still snoozing pleasantly in the sinking sunlight.
My muscles eased as I stretched my arms upwards. I knelt down and grabbed my owl mug to make a fresh cup of tea.
My thoughts came and went like waves as I set up the electric kettle.
Ever since things had ended with my ex, I had lost all sense of myself. It hadn't just been the end of the romance that hurt; it was all of it. He had been my best and closest friend, aside from my bestie from high school. And despite my better judgements at the beginning… I did the same things that I had done in previous relationships.
I gave him everything.
And nothing to myself.
I rarely talked to the few close friends I had made because I was too focused on him.
I tried to shove away the guilt. It was all I could do nowadays: stuff it all away in the tiny mental closet I had for all the things I didn't want to think about.
I rubbed my temples, begging the pain to go away.
What was done was done. I was fairly certain that my brain became so bored with life that it paved a fast track to the past.
Rumination was dangerous for someone with anxiety and depression.
There was a computerized blip that sounded from the kitchen counter. My heart rate increased as I recognized that notification tone.
I cocked an eyebrow and tapped my fingers against the counter as I fought with myself.
Quite frankly, the latter terrified me more than anything else. He knew all of the places I enjoyed visiting and knew where I lived. There was nothing that stopped him from showing up. The idea was laced with fear as much as resentment. For all the times he could have showed up, he hadn't unless I had pushed him to do so. Evidence against him showing up in my life randomly: 1
Reasons why I shouldn't read the message: 0
I huffed a heavy breath and rolled my eyes. I pushed myself away from the counter, the silence overtaken by the electric kettle heating up the copious amount of water I was about to use to make even more cups of tea.
"This is a bad idea," I groaned to myself. I was aware that the pain from my ever-stirring curiosity was almost completely self-inflicted. I winced at the word. I looked down at my thighs, covered up by my overly large hoodie. Holding my phone in my hand, my mind flashed back to the scene in the bathroom where I had been only a few months ago.
I ushered the image away as I unlocked my phone.
New Message
I take a deep breath as I open the text message.
My jaw hung open slightly as I read the words:
Happy Birthday. I'm sorry.
Scoffing, I locked the phone and placed it face down on the counter. Well… slammed, was more the right word. Thank goodness I had put a screen protector on it. It had only been because he…
He had asked me to.
My heart crumpled in my chest and I twisted my face as I forced my focus on my tea making process. There was nothing that a nice cup of tea or coffee couldn't fix. It was a small moment to just be me and enjoy being present with something warm and delicious.
*Blip ding*
I swallowed hard as my jaw clenched.
I cursed the air as I picked up the godforsaken device.
New Message
I unlocked the phone and opened the new message.
I was a prick and I'm sorry.
Why now? Why months later? I had completely cut ties with Bucky and everything was too muddied for us to even try to be friends yet.
But I had tried. I wanted him in my life and in my heart so badly that despite my mental state I was willing to throw caution to the wind just to keep him.
That was the precise reason as to why I cut ties.
Any decision I made about Bucky would make me spiral all over again. Especially after he had betrayed me, cut me so deeply in an emotional sense that I cried just thinking about him. Any nightmare I had was about me confronting him about being a giant asshole. In the nightmare, he would laugh at me and (in summary) tell me to fuck off.
Needless to say, it thrust me into a semi- manic state of a PTSD episode that lasts an entire day. I would shoot up in bed with a tear streaked face, ready to punch something. The anger burned in me. My whole body was on overdrive. My energy levels quickly depleted after a brisk morning walk. It had been a nice walk… especially for an autumn sunrise.
I felt my shoulders slump. I was always exhausted at this point. It was hard to get any energy to do anything. Was it possible to be too exhausted to sleep? That's what it felt like lately. Between the nightmares and the constant paranoia of seeing his stupid face when I wasn't expecting it.
I snorted. If that was the way my mind worked, no wonder I didn't have any energy. Why would I be so terrified of seeing him?
The only answer I had was because I knew it would unravel me. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever had the pleasure of having in my life. And it was more than just his face that was beautiful… everything about who he was and what he stood for was clear in his face.
Those things… those were the things would unravel me.
That is why I had cried so much.
But I cried more as my ill-trained brain fought to tell me that it was all a lie: that it was all a game, just like every relationship before. I somehow managed to find the people who used their manipulation for malintent. I couldn't tell what was up or down anymore. Hell… I couldn't even trust my own thinking.
I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I focused my whirling thoughts towards the air filling my lungs and let out a slow exhale. The kettle let out a beep as it finished heating the water. I rub my temples again as I trudged towards the owl mug. I pulled out a new tea bag and placed it in the mug. I lifted the kettle and began to pour water into the mug, readying my senses for the intoxicating smell of jasmine.
"Hello, Little Moon."
I managed to grip the handle of the tea kettle tighter as I bristled. I hadn't even noticed his presence until his dulcet tone met my ears. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, setting down the kettle and placing my hands at my sides. Half of my brain raced at the speed of light, while the other remained undisturbed. It was as if I had spoken my thoughts aloud and suddenly my current fear was now a reality.
"Hello, James."
Without looking, I could sense a wave of sadness hit me as I spoke his full name. I couldn't tell if the feeling was his or mine.
What I could sense was the cautious tension between the two of us. I centered my focus back on my cup of tea, mindfully grabbing the handle of the kettle and finally pouring the hot water into my mug.
I went about my routine as his presence lingered behind me. What had truly cut deep was the softness in which he spoke the nickname. I mentally snorted as I thought, 'As if I had any heart left to shatter.'
Of course, the reality of the thought came through quickly: of course I did. Even at my emptiest, I still somehow managed to dig out kindness and compassion from the dregs of whatever organ now occupied my chest. I hissed as I quickly set down the kettle. I heard water dripping onto the ground and looked at what had happened. Before I could inspect the damage that the hot water had done to my hand, I was spun around.
I kept my gaze on my hand, swallowing thickly, as Bucky's flesh hand took my wrist and turned it over. The skin was starting to blotch a bit, but I didn't recognize any other injury. Bucky blew out a breath and his hand dropped from my view.
"You know, I truly cannot fathom how these kinds of things tend to happen to you," Bucky chuckled softly. He shook his head incredulously. "You are one of the most accident prone humans I have ever met."
My face twisted in anger as I snapped my gaze to his face. It faded away in a split second as I took in his image. His handsome pale face split into that gentle smile. I noted the five o'clock shadow on his jawline. His blue grey eyes searched me. He had tied his long dark hair back with lingering pieces framing his face. I felt my face fall as my chest caved. I hadn't seen him in so long… and he was still devastatingly handsome.
It was never just because of his physical features, like he probably believed. It was because everything about him was so mesmerizing: his mind, his way of speaking, his scent, his humor, his emotions (sometimes lack thereof)... His existence alone caused my heart to sprint and soul to glow. Even still… I can't put it into words properly. It was the same feeling I got from staring at the night sky glittering with stars or a photograph of a nebula. That unfathomable fascination and awe that something so complex, delightful, and beautiful existed.
"Luna…"
I gasped in a small breath as I brought myself back to the present. I blinked, realizing that I had been staring at him. I turned away from him in a feeble attempt to hide the emotions written on my face. The expression of his concern and confusion had imprinted itself in my mind. I forced my focus to what had happened on the counter. My mug was overflowing with water and waterfalled from the cup to the floor.
"Oh," I breathed. I tried to force myself to move, to find the hand towel that was in the cupboard right underneath the countertop where it was stashed.
'Please… move…' I silently begged my body.
After what seemed like long moments, my body finally obeyed. I became overcome with panic as my face burned. I scrambled to the cupboard and pulled out the towel, carefully soaking each damp spot.
"I'm-"
I stopped myself. I wasn't sorry. I wasn't sorry for anything. It was an accident.
With the thought, I managed to breathe openly. Breathing … such a simple mechanic and yet the impact had ruled my life now. It was so easy to breathe the more I did it. It was the quickest way to calm the storm of my mind. I sighed heavily, regaining my composure as I stood up. I turned to face what I had feared in the coming months with a straight back and blank expression.
Bucky had moved closer. I took in his image once more, noting the all black attire. I blinked as I smelled his subtle fragrance wafting towards me.
My heart cracked.
He wore a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of slacks. He had unbuttoned the top two buttons of the shirt, letting show the smooth skin and a peek at his powerful chest. He shifted to his weight on his feet at my gaze and the sunlight glinted against the metal arm. I took in the ridges and smoothness. He kept his metal hand casually in his pocket. The dark circles under his beautiful eyes were more visible. That crunching feeling came to my chest again as I looked at him. I bundled up the drenched hand towel and placed it on the counter. My voice was soft as I spoke: "I was just making tea. Would you like some?"
Bucky looked at me, his eyes darting around my face. My heart leapt as he flashed me a handsome smile. I shifted uneasily as he responded.
"That sounds lovely."
I nodded solemnly and turned to the tea kettle. Before I could lift it, Bucky's hand settled on top of my own. I sucked in a breath at the touch. My whole body froze as I felt his hand on the small of my back. The hairs on my neck stood up as he whispered in my ear. I'm sure he meant for it to be out of comfort, but my legs were near to turning to jelly.
"I'll get the kettle and the necessities, Ms. Luna. No need to play hostess. Please, go sit down and relax," he said in a low voice. I felt my eye twitch as my traitorous sex throbbed at his voice. Whatever spell was on me to be so enthralled by his presence made me want to curse. Instead, I clenched my jaw and released my hand from the kettle handle and obeyed.
It was uncomfortable to sit here as he went through my bathroom cupboards to find materials to doctor my hand. I managed to focus on my breathing as I brought myself back to the present. Bucky's soft footsteps trailed from the bathroom to where I sat in the kitchen. I looked up at him. The corner of his eyes crinkled as he gave me a soft smile.
"I… figured I could help patch you up," he said hesitantly. His piercing gaze caused me to start shaking slightly. Everytime he looked at me it felt like he could see right through to my soul. Those damn eyes…
Bucky's face fell as he noticed the shaking. He began to place the items down on the wooden table in front of me. I could feel the sadness reverberate against my body. He turned to leave but I lifted a hand and placed it gently on his metal arm. He stopped short and waited. I swallowed hard.
I couldn't bring myself to speak. I didn't know where to begin. Bucky turned, causing the strands of his hair to sway. His eyes were wary as they bore into mine. I nodded at him. He acknowledged the silent plea. I couldn't help but notice that his shoulders eased at the notion.
He settled into the chair opposing me. Bucky flicked his gaze up to me and then to the space between us. I nodded again, allowing him to scoot closer.
I drew in a deep breath, letting his scent fill my senses as he held out his metal hand. Without hesitation, I placed my injured hand into his. His metal thumb twitched at the contact as he turned his attention to the collection of remedies he had set on the table.
I watched him take a salve and rub it gently on the red skin. His light touch tickled a bit and my hand twinged. He looked up at me through his lashes. I let out a breath chuckle.
"Sorry," I said, shaking my head. "It didn't hurt, it's just sensitive."
Bucky's gaze went back to my hand, following the movements of his own as he rubbed the salve over my skin. I dared another look at his metal arm. Once again, my heart aches as I noted how tightly the shirt fit around his muscular features.
It was difficult for me to prove to him that our relationship had never been purely physical for me. After all, the love and devotion I felt for him… it was intangible. While I was very much attracted to his features, that wasn't why I loved him. It wasn't the whole reason as to why my heart was shattering into a thousand pieces.
I sniffled as the tears threatened to break from their prison.
Bucky continued his work, now wrapping my hand with gauze. We silently pretended to ignore the sound.
"James, I-"
The words were silenced as he sat up. He lifted my bandaged hand, placed a kiss to it, and set it on my leg. I couldn't stop my body from shaking harder. It felt like every piece of me was falling apart all over again. Even after hurting me so deeply, the fact that he showed so much tenderness and kindness towards me threw me for a loop. I couldn't make sense of it. I could feel my mind beginning to go into overdrive as I tried to find the answer as to why. Why was he doing this? Why was he here? Why the apology? Why-
"Luna."
My chest heaved as I looked at him. I don't know what my face was doing. Concern was written in his eyes but his face remained blank. His mouth was a thin line as he watched me. The edges of my vision were starting to blur as my breath came quicker. Tears streaked down my face. I wanted to hide. I didn't want him to see my pain, my open wounds. And it was only because he would see how much damage he had done to me. I knew the guilt would tear at him.
I gasped as I felt his hands cradle my face. He brought his face closer to mine. Bucky breathed in deeply and let out a slow exhale through his mouth. He repeated the cycle, raising his brows in silent command.
I blinked away the tears and obeyed. I forced my lungs to drink in the oxygen as my eyelids fluttered shut. Something lodged itself in my throat as I tried to exhale. The right side of my face was exposed to chill air as I felt Bucky take my hand and place it on his chest. I listened to his breaths and managed to squeeze the air from my lungs. The rise and fall of his chest and the feeling of his heartbeat soothed me as I continued my breathing pattern. The tension from my shoulders released as waves of calm took over my body. I fluttered my eyes open, satisfied with my steady heartbeat. Bucky's soft expression greeted me and he stroked a thumb against my cheek. I lifted my hand to his metal one and carefully removed it from my jaw. Blue eyes looked down as Bucky's throat bobbed. I placed it on his knee and leaned back from his touch. I grabbed my tea mug and wrapped both hands around it.
"Thank you, James."
He gave me a subtle nod as he reached for his own mug. I sipped from my own cup as a distraction from watching him. I crossed my legs, humming at the delicious warmth sliding down my throat. My body eased more as I welcomed the heat. The delicate scent of jasmine overcame my senses.
"It's delicious, Ms. Luna. Thank you."
I offered a small smile as I rested my mug on my knee, clasping my hands around it. Bucky's pupils flared as I looked at him.
"You're the one who made it, goober," I said quietly.
The corner of his lips tugged upwards.
"Fair enough," he sighed.
The expression on his face left me breathless. I melted into the chair slightly as butterflies attacked my stomach. I clicked my tongue at myself and took another sip of my tea. Silence fell between us. It felt like time was slowed as we sat. I jumped slightly as his low voice broke the silence.
"Luna… I'm sorry."
"Why?"
Surprise flickered through me as my own boldness. The question sounded more cold than I intended it to be. Bucky had drawn his gaze from his mug to my face. I forced my expression into stoicism as I waited with a thundering heartbeat. His frustrated sigh echoed in the small kitchen. He crossed his arms as he leaned back into his chair. I could see the guilt decorating his face as the wheels in his head turned.
"What I did …"
A beat of hesitation.
He grunted as he brought his hands to his face and rubbed it.
"I was an asshole, okay?"
I remained quiet as I listened. It was apparent that there was more that he wanted to say.
"I shouldn't have done what I did. After I read your letter… I didn't realize…"
Bucky breathed deeply and pushed forward. I took another sip of my tea.
"You were there for me. You were right. You gave everything for me, especially in my darkest moments. And in your darkest time, I-"
He huffed.
"I fucked it up. I broke the most important promises to you. Even as a friend. And I… after breaking up with you, I still managed to fuck things up. All I wanted was for you to be happy."
I didn't stop the tears as they fell down my face silently. Barbed wire wrapped itself around my lungs as the pain of the memories hit me like stones. Bucky made a move to reach for me but I shook my head. The hope in his eyes turned to sadness as he leaned back in his chair. He bounced his legs as he crossed his arms across his chest. I gripped my mug tighter as my jaw tightened. Simultaneously, something inside of me came free. His nostrils flared as he exhaled through his nose.
"You deserve better, Little Moon."
It was a boulder that hit me this time. I flinched as the nickname cut into me. I almost hated him. Almost. If Bucky wasn't who he was, I would think that he was trying to manipulate me. But my heart sank as I acknowledged that he, too, had his mind twisted and played with in the past.
"I don't have any good answers for you, Luna. I don't have any excuses for doing what I did. But it was wrong."
I drank deeply from my mug, emptying its contents. I started processing silently what he had said as I placed the mug on the table. I couldn't decide what hurt more: the fact that he knew he didn't deserve any of my energy and time or what he did. I wrapped my arms around my stomach in an effort to soothe myself. His words floored me.
It was rare that I ever received apologies from someone who hurt me. It was also rare for people to take accountability for their mistakes. I understood how difficult it was for him… it would have been difficult for me, too. We were both prideful people. But we were also human. Knocking down ones own pride was an obstacle and a challenge that wasn't something to sneeze at. I stared at the floor as I thought over his words.
I heard the chair scrape against the floor and blinked to find Bucky kneeling on the floor in front of me. Numbness at the pleading look on his face took over me. My eyes were wide as I maintained eye contact with him. He never broke it as he reached for my arms and uncrossed them. I didn't stop him as I felt frozen to my chair. His grasp was tender as he took each of my hands in his. Piercing eyes kept me from squirming.
"Little Moon…" he said softly. More tears came as my heart continued to crack.
"I want to do better. I want us to be friends again. It… you gave me so much that I didn't deserve to begin with," Bucky murmured. He lifted his metal hand to my cheek and wiped away the wetness on my face. His expression was hopeful as he looked me over. There was nothing but sincerity in his face.
"And you deserve so much more than what happened. You deserve to be happy and thrive as much as I do. You are an incredible and amazing woman. You have always been a survivor, a warrior… hell," he chuckled. My guts twisted as I fell apart at his beautiful smile. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he beamed.
"... You're a fucking queen. You have fought so much and struggled and pushed through."
I let the soft sob break from me. It wasn't fair that he could say all the right things and be sincere with every word. It wasn't fair that he wasn't giving me any ammo to be angry at him, to turn my love into hate. His words were pulling me apart piece by piece: because all they did was make me love him more than I already did.
And that burned me so much more than hate ever could.
I rested my hand over his metal one and leaned more into his touch. I stopped fighting the urge to hide myself away from him. All I could do was cry and let my shell that I had built fall.
"I want to help you shine. That's all I ever wanted. But… I got too wrapped up in everything else. And I should-"
I looked at him through watery eyes as he choked on the words. My body shook harder as I started fighting the overwhelming pain again. I gasped as he pulled me off the chair and held me against him.
"J-j-ja-"
I couldn't speak. My voice cracked as my throat stopped up. He shifted to sit with his legs crossed and pulled me to sit in his lap. He wrapped his arms tightly around me as he rocked back and forth. I surrendered as the sobs came in full force. Bucky stroked my hair as he held me tight. I gripped his dress shirt as I nuzzled into his chest.
I didn't care that I was a mess. I didn't care that I was breaking apart in front of him. I didn't care that his comforting and warm embrace gave me safety. I didn't care that he could still see right through me.
Because I had missed him so fucking much. It hurt more being away from him. I had bared my mind, soul, and body to him, trusted him with every whole and broken piece of me. And I knew he had only made a mistake. He was only human.
And so was I.
It would have been so much easier to hate him. But goddamn it… he was perfect to me. He was a good man, through and through. Bucky did the hard thing. And I couldn't look past that. Even when he was a dumbass.
"Y-you're s-s-so stupid, Bucky," I choked out.
He let out a weak chuckle as he rubbed his face against my hair.
"That I definitely am."
He held me as I continued to cry, stroking my head and rocking.
"I do care for you deeply, Little Moon. I really do. And I am so… so sorry for hurting you so much. I can't change what happened but I will do everything I can to make up for it in the future. You deserve so much better and I want to give that to you," he whispered.
"Bucky, I-"
"Please."
The plea hit me deep in my gut and heart. I lifted my head from his chest, taking in gulping breaths. His face was wrecked with torment and tears. I placed my hands on either side of his face and stroked his cheeks. He placed his metal hand over mine and leaned into the touch. The pain in his expression changed to comfort as his eyes closed. All I could do was take in his image as he hummed at my touch.
"I miss you so fucking much, Little Moon. It's like the night sky emptied when you told me that we couldn't be friends. I didn't realize how much I loved you until then."
I let out a breathy chuckle at the irony.
"Like I said, Bucky… you're so stupid."
His shoulders shook as he laughed silently. He opened his eyes and my breath left me. His stupid handsome smile and those stupid crinkles…
Within a matter of seconds, his whole face shifted as we held our gaze.
Hunger.
I swallowed as the look caused the apex of my thighs to melt.
I wet my lips as he placed his hand on the back of my neck. I placed my hands on his chest, pushing away from him.
"James, I don't think… I don't think that's a good idea," I whispered.
Despite the logic pouring from my mouth, my body was more than wanting. Fire tore through my veins and pooled into my core. I melted into him further regardless of how much I fought against it mentally.
"Luna…" he breathed. My lips parted as his breath hit my face. What was I supposed to do?
My entire being cried out for more. I craved his gentle touches, his physical affection… but I knew it wouldn't get us anywhere. I didn't know if I could survive this, if it happened. If anyone deserved my intimacy, it was him. It would always be him. This connection...this fate… sick and twisted. I could almost hear them cackling as I leaned in closer.
Lust and desire overtook me like a tidal wave. Practicality struggled to come up for air under the weight. I let out a small gasp as I felt Bucky's hands start roving my body. Hands firmly gripped my waist and my eyes flew open.
It didn't matter what he wanted in that moment.
I wanted him to feel my love, to show how much I truly loved him by giving him everything.
But … what would it do?
More days of quiet tears, more time trying to bandage together a shattered heart?
More pain?
"J-james…" I said breathlessly.
"Luna…" he breathed. I let out a squeak as he lifted me up in his arms. My mind kicked into high gear as he stood up and walked over to the couch in the adjoining living room.
He placed me down on two wobbly legs in front of the couch. My sex was throbbing and the craving was only growing inside of me. I couldn't help it. And I didn't bother hiding it. I was too worn down, too tired to put up a fight. I woke from my thoughts as Bucky rested his hands on my hips and tugged gently. He was sitting down on the couch. My traitorous eyes snagged on the large bulge in his pants.
It wasn't fair…
My mouth began to salivate as he pulled me into his lap, that hunger burning in his eyes as he bit his bottom lip. I could feel the heat from his genitals matching the rising temperature of my own sex. I settled into his lap, straddling him.
This hold on me...on my very being… it wasn't fair…
I rested my arms on his shoulders as he ground into me, pulling a soft gasp from my lips. Was it the familiarity that drove me? Or was it truly love?
His answering grip tightening on my waist woke me from my spinning mind. Bucky released his lower lip as a low guttural groan escaped from them. Another wind of fire tore at me, increasing my heart rate. He brought a hand to the back of my neck and tried to pull me closer.
I stopped him by putting my hands on my chest. He blinked and his eyes cleared. His whole body stilled as he looked at the indecision on my face. I took the moment to let logic rule me.
"James, I d- I don't know if this is a good idea. It's… it's not that I don't want it, clearly, but…" I said thoughtfully.
If I were being honest… I wasn't worried about me.
I was worried about him.
The repercussions of this could be devastating to him. The guilt would eat away at him and he would feel like he fucked up trying to do the right thing again.
Maybe I was worried about me too, then…
If I did this, it would be selfish. I would hold onto this one moment of love and passion and never let go. I would pretend to think he loved me the way I wanted him to.
I only wanted him to have me. It had always only been him since this whole thing started. I wanted him to have me. Unabashed, unbridled, and untamed. All of my faults and imperfections, all of my beauty and ugliness, all of my past and future.
But is that what he wanted?
I cupped his gorgeous face in my hands as I speculated.
"Bucky… what do you want from me?" I asked gently.