x + 1
Avengers Compound — Summer 2015
He’s still not quite sure how to explain the feeling, but something happened to him when he saw her for the first time. It was, of course, a hectic day (what with being born and preventing the apocalypse and all), but he felt a quiet longing bloom in his chest.
Vision just wanted to be close to her. Not physically, necessarily, though that would’ve been welcome. No, he just had some inarticulable interest in her. What was she smiling at? Why did the others seem to distrust her? Why did she choose to trust him? Though he wasn’t trying to do so, he began compiling a list of things he noticed about her, like how she holds her hands when she’s using her powers and what the edge in her voice sounds like when she’s nervous. That attention ended up being life-saving, when he noticed that she was falling from the sky. Saving her didn’t require even a moment of contemplation.
From the first moment he saw her, Vision wanted to learn about Wanda Maximoff.
Upon returning to the Avengers Compound, Wanda stays in her room to grieve and Vision decides that it would be best to let her have space. Still, the feelings baffle him. More than that, though, he’s concerned about her, so he wants to help. A little after three in the morning, Vision tinkers with spices in the kitchen. It’s been two hours and he’s made little progress in figuring out how to effectively “season to taste,” since most recipes are nonspecific and he does not presently have taste buds.
The door opens quietly and he startles. For some reason he doesn’t quite comprehend, Vision puts the jars away, a little embarrassed or perhaps just protective of his activities.
Natasha walks in wearing sweatpants and a loose shirt, which Vision assumes are her pajamas, given the hour and how dissimilar the outfit is to her regular attire.
“Hello,” he says.
“Hey,” Natasha nods. “What are you doing up at this hour?”
“Oh,” Vision frowns. “Am I supposed to stay in my room after a certain time? My apologies.”
“No, no. I just meant that it’s late and… do you sleep?”
“Very occasionally and for far fewer hours than the average human.”
“Huh. Guess that explains it.”
“And what are you doing awake at this hour?”
“Can’t sleep,” she shrugs, slumping into the chair across the counter from him. “Whatcha up to?”
“I was simply, er… trying to learn how to season food.”
“That might take a while,” she laughs. “You don’t eat, though, right?”
“No, Ms. Romanov.”
“Then why are you… oh, please don’t tell me Tony has you cooking for him.”
“No, ma’am,” Vision shakes his head. “I am learning for my own curiosity.”
“Curiosity, huh?” Natasha raises an eyebrow.
“Yes. I’d like to be able to cheer people up more effectively, and it’s my understanding that humans like food.”
“You want to cheer ‘people’ up, or do you have a specific person in mind here?”
“I don’t believe I follow,” Vision says nervously.
“Oh, just… you know, the very sad hot girl upstairs. There aren’t a ton of us moping around right now. Unless you’ve got a crush on Steve. But given the particular spice profile you have out right now, I get the sense you’re not trying to woo a white American.”
“A… crush?”
“Like, when you want to date someone.”
“I’m familiar with the term. I simply don’t see how it might apply to me.”
“You have feelings, don’t you? I mean, obviously you do. Unless you’re not romantically attracted to people, which is also totally fine.”
“If it’s not too personal, would you mind… elaborating? What does it feel like to be romantically attracted to somebody, as you say?”
“Big question,” Natasha chuckles. “I guess it’s just about wanting to be close to somebody, but like, in a significant way. It’s like friendship, but… more electric, I guess. And I tend to differentiate it from sexual attraction based on whether or not I feel like I’d be sad about disappearing right after sleeping together. Sorry if that’s, uh, TMI. But you did ask, so…”
“No, it’s helpful. Thank you.”
“Anytime. If it helps, I’ve seen you get flustered around Wanda enough times to be pretty confident that you’ve got feelings a bit more complicated than wanting to befriend her. Especially given how relaxed you seem right now.”
“Oh. Am I noticeably different around Ms. Maximoff?”
“You stumble on talking way more. And I don’t see you learning new human skills for any of the rest of us, so…”
“I should learn how to be a better friend.”
“Not what I’m saying. I’m saying you’ve got it bad for her.”
“Interesting.”
“Tell her,” Natasha says with a slight smile. “You never know.”
“Never know… what?”
“How she might respond! Our resident emo princess could be pining for you, too.”
“That’s improbable.”
“So’s, like, literally everything we do.”
“I’ll take that into consideration,” he nods. “And… thank you, Ms. Romanov.”
“You can call me Natasha. Or Nat. We’re on our way to being friends.”
“Friends,” Vision repeats. “How marvelous. It is an honor to almost be your friend, Natasha.”
“Right back atcha, Vision,” she replies, swiveling out of her chair and toward the fridge. “I’m gonna get some yogurt and go back to bed.”
“Certainly,” Vision replies with a soft smile, as he makes sure to file away the knowledge that Natasha likes yogurt.
***
In the morning, Vision walks into the kitchen and finds Wanda eating cereal alone. He swears he feels his heart rate increase, which is physiologically unlikely.
So’s, like, everything we do, he recalls Natasha saying last night. Yes. Alright. Impossible things. Wanda makes him believe in impossible things, like magic and crushes and personhood.
“Good morning,” Vision says, sitting across from her. She looks up with a slight smile.
“Hey,” Wanda replies.
“How are you doing this morning?”
“I’m alright,” she sighs. “How about you?”
“You seem hesitant,” he observes. “Are you sure you’re alright? I don’t mean to pry.”
“Um. Yeah, I just… I’m sad, I guess. Some days are worse than others.”
“It seems like you’re out of bed and eating food, so… perhaps that is a success in-and-of itself.”
Wanda’s face twists into some expression he doesn’t quite recognize, but it looks positive. Confused, maybe. But… positive, he thinks.
“You think so?”
“Certainly. Having feelings is… challenging, to say the least. And you’re navigating so many enormous ones. So, yes, I think that practicing some sort of self-sustenance is impressive.”
“Thanks,” Wanda smiles a little. “That’s not, uh… nevermind.”
Vision offers her a smile, but his face falls ever so slightly, helplessly curious about whatever she was going to say. Fascinating. He usually automatically closes all intrigue into statements that end in “nevermind” (probably something to do with his original programming, he thinks). But Wanda… makes him want to know. He’d like to know the things that she’s afraid of as well as the things that she enjoys.
“People don’t usually get how hard it can be to, like, function. That’s all. I appreciate that you’re not disappointed in me for being sad.”
“Oh, my apologies if I seemed upset that you didn’t elaborate,” Vision replies. “I never want you to feel pressured to share—”
“I think it’s cute that you’re genuinely curious about how you’re doing.”
Cute, he repeats in his head. Something flutters in his abdomen, though it makes no sense and originates from an organ that doesn’t exist. Is this a butterfly?
“I’m always curious about how you’re doing.”
“Likewise,” Wanda smiles. “And you never answered my question. How are you?”
At that moment, Vision decides it’s not the right time to tell her about his crush. She seems surprised that he actually cares about her wellbeing, and he doesn’t want it to seem like he’s only interested because he has some inexplicable romantic attraction to her. No, Wanda deserves to know that she’s worthy of care and compassion regardless of romantic interest.
So Vision bites his tongue and tells her about a book he just read about the history of human magic shows. He thinks it might be genuinely magical.
***
New Jersey — Winter 2015
The next time Vision chooses to stay quiet, they’re on a horrifically boring administrative “mission” in New Jersey. They rented a car to pretend to be normal. Wanda drives while Vision sits in the passenger seat, watching the city turn to suburb through the window.
For some reason, Steve keeps putting the two of them together on missions. It’s likely due to the fact that they joined the Avengers at the same time. Or, maybe, that they have fairly complementary powers and skills. Perhaps it’s because they’re somehow always attuned to one another’s mission instincts and decisions. Regardless, Vision is grateful to get to spend time with her this often.
“I really wish Steve would stop calling everything Avengers-related a mission,” Wanda rolls her eyes at a red light. “We are literally dropping off tax documents.”
“I think he believes it lifts team morale,” Vision chuckles.
“I’d much rather he just say something like, ‘here’s a shitty task for today, get it done,’ but maybe I’m just a grouch.”
“I sort of enjoy these kinds of tasks. They’re… quiet.”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong,” Wanda replies, her voice softer and seemingly a little concerned. “I love spending time with you. I just wish we were driving around for fun instead of going to a special IRS outpost.”
Love, Vision thinks to himself.
“Yes,” he says aloud. “That would be quite nice, wouldn’t it?”
“I didn’t get to drive much in Sokovia, but the few times I did, I loved it,” she says. “I don’t know why, but I like just… driving.”
“What do you like about it?”
“It’s quiet,” she smiles as she switches on her turn signal. “And I guess I feel… actually alone. In a good way, I mean. Like, right now, we’re literally the only two people in this conversation. Nobody can just walk in or anything.”
“That is true.”
“Are you having fun, my passenger princess?”
Vision swears he blushes. He knows she’s just teasing him in the way that she does, but it feels like flirting sometimes. Or, it feels like what he believes flirting might be from watching movies with her. He knows it isn’t, but… that doesn’t stop him from blushing.
“I always have fun with you.”
“I’m flattered,” Wanda says.
“And there’s something very… mundane about this mission. I mean that in a positive manner. My whole life has been wrapped up in the grandiosity of superheroism and I suppose I’ve been unknowingly yearning for things like long drives to an Internal Revenue Service satellite office.”
“Ha. You have a good point. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. Like, look,” Wanda says, gesturing out the window to the row of suburban houses they’re passing. “That seems so… stable. These people have spouses and kids and dogs and jobs that don’t involve moving objects with their minds or shooting a laser beam out of their head.”
“It’s not a laser beam,” Vision grins. “And yes, I understand what you mean. I, too, would like to spend some time inside of a suburb. I can’t even fathom what it might be like to genuinely feel like you belong there.”
“It must be nice,” she sighs. “Or… maybe it feels empty. But I’d at least like the chance to find out, you know? Without being the town weirdo.”
“I think you could do it,” he nods.
“Yeah? I shoot energy out of my hands and give people scary dreams.”
“I’m sure these people also have secrets.”
“Hm. Well, if I can do it, so can you. I mean, you have that very fancy human disguise. It’s a very… dad-like persona.”
“You truly think so?” Vision asks, his voice sounding warmer than he meant it to.
“Yeah. Is that… something you want? To be a dad?”
“Of course. But that’s impossible, so I think of it as more of a dream. Do you want to be a mother?”
“Maybe,” she shrugs. “But tell me why you think it’s impossible for you to be a dad.”
“Well, I’m… synthetic.”
“Okay…? I don’t see why that disqualifies you. I mean, maybe you can’t have biological children—or maybe you can? I don’t know. Anyway, having biological children isn’t the only way to be a parent.”
“I mean, in theory, I suppose I could be a parent. But I don’t know why anybody would want to co-parent with me.”
“Oh my god, Vision! You’re the kindest, smartest person in, like, literally the whole world. And you’re funny, thoughtful… handsome. People are probably constantly falling for you.”
“Do you really think that?”
“Yeah! Absolutely. I’m a terrible liar, Vis.”
“Oh,” he smiles. “Well… I could say the same to you. You’re very, um… I’m sure people fall for you all the time.”
“People do, just… not the right people. Not good people, usually. And I’m sorta done dating until I find a genuinely good person.”
Vision wants so badly to tell her that he would gladly date her and treat her with the respect she deserves, but… something about the way she says “until I find” makes him think that she doesn’t believe she’s found somebody. And he really, really doesn’t want this conversation to end. He wants to know everything about all of her dreams for herself and her life. He wants to know everything he can about her, so he looks out the window.
“There,” he points toward the sign for a town they’re passing. “Westview. Tell me about your ideal life there.”
Wanda laughs and starts talking. Vision swears it’s all the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard.
***
Budapest — Summer 2016
He has half an hour. Vision only has half an hour to say goodbye—for now, he hopes, but he has the feeling that it might be far more dire than that.
He just helped Steve get the team out of the Raft and out of U.S. borders, but he knows he needs to return soon to avoid raising suspicions. The team back home is already acutely aware of his close relationship with Wanda, and he refuses to do anything to put her in jeopardy. Not more than he already has, anyway.
So he waits in an empty safe house while Steve and Nat make arrangements with somebody she knew in her spy days. Vision fidgets for the first time in his life until the door creaks open and Wanda comes in.
“Hi,” he exhales, standing up to greet her.
“Hi,” Wanda replies.
God, he’s so grateful to hear her voice. She looks thinner and paler than when he last saw her, likely a byproduct of her time in the Raft. Vision has so many regrets. He has so much to say and so little time and… he starts talking.
“I’m sorry,” Vision says as he takes a tentative step toward her. “I wish I could undo all of this and make it safe for you to return home, or—”
“Vision, America was never my home. And none of this is your fault. This is a lot bigger than you. It was inevitable.”
“I… I suppose you’re right,” he sighs. “Still, I miss you terribly. And I am still sorry.”
“I forgive you. I miss you, too. I just… it’s not worth revisiting, you know? All of it happened and it’s not going to unhappen, so… I’ve just gotta live with it. Move on. Close the loop.”
Vision’s chest twists. He hurts. He wants to fix it, or at the very least give her some piece of himself to keep. She already has all of his best parts, but she doesn’t know it. She deserves to know it.
Or would that only bring more pain? In the likely event that she doesn’t feel the same way about him, would confessing his love for her make her reconsider whether or not their friendship was genuine? It was, but he’s not sure he wants to muddle it. And if she somehow does reciprocate his feelings, would this only make her sadder? Is it worse to mourn what they could’ve become?
“I understand,” Vision says instead of any of his real thoughts. “And I respect your desire for distance.”
“I don’t want to be away from you, Vis. I just… I can’t go back, and you can’t come here, so we’ve got to just accept it.”
She sounds so sad. And far away, somehow. Like her voice has been hollowed out.
“I would like to remain close to you, but… I’ll do anything you want.”
Wanda sighs deeply. She opens her mouth like she’s going to say something, but she shuts it again.
“I love you,” she says. “You’re my best friend and I am so grateful for the time we had, but I won’t trap you here with me. I don’t want to.”
“I love you, too,” Vision says, eyes wide. She’s never said that before. Neither has he. Vision has dreamt of this day for ages, but this hurts. It feels like the end of something rather than the beginning.
“I know,” Wanda smiles. “Thank you for that.”
“Thank you, Wanda. I’ve never been loved before. I will cherish you forever.”
“I could say the same to you.”
Maybe against his better judgment, Vision pulls her into a hug. Wanda buries her face in his chest and he wants to breathe her in. He never wants to let go, never wants this exact moment to end, never wants to call anywhere home unless she’s there, too.
But the real world is far worse than he’d like it to be, so Wanda pulls away and looks up at him with teary eyes.
“I think you should go,” she whispers. Her voice breaks. His heart breaks. “I’ll never be able to let go of you if you don’t.”
“I understand. I…”
He pauses. He has so much to say and there’s no way to say it all. There’s no way to say any of it, really, so he settles for the closest thing he can think of.
“I love you,” Vision says again. “And I’m only a phone call away if you ever need me.”
“I always need you,” Wanda smiles sadly.
“As do I.”
“Alright,” she takes a deep breath. “You have to go. I mean it.”
Vision nods slowly and slips away, holding every single unspoken confession like poison between his teeth.
***
Calais — Fall 2016
Fuck it. Vision makes it all of six weeks before he decides that he’d rather risk everything than live his life without her.
He forces all of his systems offline and tells Tony that he’ll be gone. Tony protests, but he doesn’t care. There’s only one person whose opinion matters to him right now, and she’s across at least one ocean and undoubtedly, impossibly the love of his life.
So Vision sets off for the skies and, as he crosses the border, the Mind Stone warms. He feels its tug, as though it’s beckoning him somewhere. He follows it to an oceanfront town outside of Calais, France. It’s a little rural, but the Mind Stone is absolutely glowing and he knows with certainty that she’s here. She has to be.
The Stone leads him to a lonely farmhouse. He lands in his human disguise, just in case he’s come to the wrong place, but he knows he hasn’t. There’s only one reason why he could possibly feel so at peace.
Vision knocks on the door, which feels like an immensely underwhelming reunion methodology. It feels… mundane. He smiles at that. He has nothing left to lose.
Wanda opens the door and stops in her tracks, her eyes widening in surprise and then joy and then some third feeling he can’t quite place. He feels his heart humming in his chest. No matter what happens, he knows he’s just caught a glimpse of home.
“Vision?”
“Wanda,” he grins.
“I… what are you doing here?” Wanda asks, stepping out onto the porch. She closes the door behind her and fidgets, her facial expression getting more incomprehensible by the second.
“Looking for you.”
“Why?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“Um…”
“I’m not here for Mr. Stark. He doesn’t even know where I am.”
Wanda pauses and looks around, as if surveying the area for threats. Seemingly finding none, she gestures toward a cluster of trees across the yard and leads him there. Vision doesn’t quite know what to make of the fact that she’s taking him somewhere secluded, but he doesn’t care. He just needs her to know the truth.
“Alright,” she says, leaning back against the trunk of a tree with her arms crossed. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Wanda… when I went back to the Avengers Compound, nothing made sense anymore. I realized that you were right, that Mr. Rogers was right, that… that I was wrong. Philosophically, politically, personally—I was wrong. But… more importantly, I… I didn’t feel like myself. I realized… well, I think, perhaps, that I realized this a while ago, but…”
Vision takes a deep breath and finds Wanda looking at him with an eyebrow raised, but an undeniable warmth beneath the skepticism. He looks around and phases into his real body. Wanda visibly smiles a little before returning her face to a neutral expression.
“I love you, Wanda. And… I’m in love with you, too. And I don’t need you to reciprocate, but I just felt that you should know, and I wanted to tell you because I’ve been thinking about it—about you, about us—for so long now and—”
Before he can even register what’s going on, Wanda’s arms are around him, her head buried into his chest. She’s crying, he thinks. He wraps both arms around her and holds her there, firmly and steadily.
“I love you, too,” she whispers, pulling away just enough to look up at him. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Vision.”
“Oh, my,” he exhales, grinning. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”
“I was dropping hints all over the place,” Wanda chuckles through teary eyes. “And I just thought you didn’t want me like that.”
“I…” Vision trails off and lifts a hand to her face, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He’s wanted to do that for so long. He’s wanted to say this for so long. And, looking at her right now, he realizes that he’s also wanted something else for a long time. He takes a deep breath and asks the question he’s been meaning to ask her at so many missed moments.
“May I kiss you?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”