Chapter 1
The decision to kill himself had been lingering in the back of his mind for decades when he finally acted on it.
Most of the time he’d just ignored it. He would not submit to his brain’s attempts to shut him down. Suicide was the coward’s way out. A warrior that is willing to die even while knowing they would never reach Valhalla was considered argr, or unmanly. A death without honor.
Thor had thrown Mjolnir and left it sitting on his chest, making him, ever unworthy, unable to lift it.
“Look at you,” He spat. “The Mighty Thor!” The golden prince, the warrior.
Thor didn’t appear to be listening, too busy looking at the destruction the Bifrost was preparing to wreck.
“All your strength,” Loki snarled, baring his teeth. “And what good does it do you now, hard-“
He let his head drop onto the bridge again with a noise of pain. Mjolnir sitting heavy against his diaphragm was making it hard to breathe.
“Do you hear me, brother!” He screamed. “There’s nothing you can do.” Nothing he could do to save the lowly monsters he had suddenly gained sympathy for.
The Frost Giants were going to be eliminated, once and for all, whether Thor made it there or not. Even if he did, Odin would never give up the Casket. Wasn’t it more merciful to give the monsters a quick death than to let them watch as their realm’s heart failed?
Thor wasn’t looking at him when his arm shot out. Mjolnir was lifted off his body and immediately went into Thor’s outstretched hand. Loki attempted to sit up with a gasp of much-needed air, but failed and let himself fall back again, angling his head to see what Thor was doing.
Thor lifted his arm with Mjolnir in hand, ready to strike a blow to the bridge. With all the force of a raging thunderstorm, he brought the mighty hammer down. Hundreds of cracks appeared from the spot. Thor lifted it again, to strike once more.
He hit once, twice, three times. Loki slowly lifted himself from his previously stuck position with shocked breath as Thor made more and more cracks in Asgard’s precious Bifrost. He was going to kill them both. For a race of monsters.
Once, twice, and three more times. Loki reached for Thor, though he knew he would never reach. Too weak, too cowardly. He couldn’t get up, the phantom weight of Mjolnir still holding him down, even with her presence in Thor’s hand.
“What are you doing?” He whispered, horrified. His mortals, Midgard, their adventures, all gone for what, the Frost Giants he promised to slay? Was he really that desperate to save some lowly jotnar for his kingship?
Thor didn’t act as though he’d heard him before striking the bridge once more, with even more power.
“If you destroy the bridge you’ll never see her again!” He shrieked. Jane, her name was? He’d seen her through the Destroyer. He could see why Thor had fallen for her. She was beautiful, the mortal that managed to teach Thor humility no matter how many centuries Loki had tried to do the same.
Once, twice, no, he couldn’t let Thor do this! It was a certain death for both of them. He grabbed Gungnir and rushed to his brother’s raging form.
“Forgive me, Jane,” Thor croaked. He lifted Mjolnir once again and before he could strike one more time, Loki jumped up with Gungnir and aimed right for Thor's chest. He didn’t make it in time, to meet Thor before the last blow hit.
The Bifrost burst like an explosion, the shattered pieces going everywhere like the ocean waves. Both Loki and Thor felt the ground drop from under them as they fell into the void below Asgard’s ocean.
Loki screamed, panicked, as he and Thor fell. His infamous horned helmet fell, lost into the void, out of reach. Thor was drifting away from him as he fell further.
Thor managed to bring himself close enough to Loki to grab the other end of Gungnir when Odin showed up just behind him. Loki took a second to observe the madness going on around him.
Thor had a tight grip on Gungnir, with Loki on the other end. Odin was holding onto Thor’s ankles. He must’ve just woken from his Odinsleep, his hair still perfect and still in the armor he wore when he fainted inside the Vault.
“I could’ve done it, father!” Loki begged, his grip on Gungnir tightening as he looked past Thor and into his false father’s eyes. He could feel his expression start to shift into a sort of agony, his eyebrows shaking, his eyes welling up with tears he refused to shed. He wouldn’t cry here.
“I could’ve done it!” Loki repeated, louder. He could’ve. All of Jotunheim, was no longer a threat, no Aesir casualties. He could still be useful. He could still be worthy.
Odin smiled faintly. Why wasn’t he trying to lift Thor and him back up? Was a Sniveling Jotun not worthy of his saving?
“For you! For all of us.” Loki cried. Us, the Aesir. Was he a part of Us? Was the Jotun prince even worthy of such a title anymore? Was he ever going to be?
Thor looked between him and Odin, panicked. Odin’s faint smile didn’t waver, his expression unchanging.
“No, Loki.” His false father whispered. No, Loki? No loki, nononono No Loki. You couldn’t have done it. Not for me, let alone my people. You are not worthy of calling me father. You are not useful. We don’t need you.
Loki looked longingly at Odin for a while longer, waiting for him to say something, anything else. Was that it? ‘No, Loki.’
No, Loki.
Odin didn’t say anything else. Loki didn’t either. Nothing was left to be said.
Loki looked around at the nothingness of space around him, and back at his trembling hand holding on to the spear. The spear is only to be held by the rightful king. Thor still held on to the other end, the golden prince soon to be a golden king.
Thor must’ve seen the look on his face when he decided to untighten his hold on the end. His expression of panic furthered.
“Loki, no!” Thor wailed. He should know better, the oaf. He wasn’t worth this worry.
His grip loosened, and he slipped down the spear. He let his fingers slip off, his hand no longer on the spear and felt the air whip through his hair once again as he fell.
Into the void, into the nothingness. Nothing, just like he was. Empty, like his promises. Silent, how he should be.
He let go knowing he wouldn’t live to survive it. Suicide is the coward's way out. Argr, unmanly. Ever a disappointment to the end.
“NOOO!” He heard Thor scream. Didn’t he know? Nothing mattered anymore. His imposter brother was pulling another act, another trick. Another illusion.
Was the Void ever lonely? A nothing, empty, silent space with no inhabitants. Perhaps Loki should befriend it. They can be nothing together.
The cold was cutting through his Asgardian armor, and Loki felt distantly that his body was no longer shaking, too caught up in the wind. The cold caught up to his skin, waving away the illusion that was keeping it Aesir-pink.
The shape of Thor and the All-Father grew smaller and smaller until it was just another one of his illusions. Trying to imagine them wanting to be close to him at all. Ha! Close to a Jotun.
He closed his eyes. Death, my lady, please find me. I know I have evaded your grasp long enough, I’ll let you have me now. Mind, soul, and body. All of me.
Lady Death didn’t respond. He didn’t expect her to.
He opened his eyes to nothingness, not knowing if he’d even closed them at all. It didn’t matter anymore.