They were holding him down, forcing water down his nose and mouth. the car battery hissed and smarted, putting his chest on fire. “Tony!” pepper yelled. “Wake up!” so that’s what it was then – just a nightmare. he opened his eyes but he wasn’t in his bedroom anymore – he was underwater, his house that he had designed himself was crumbling down. he had – he had to find pepper- where was she? Killian! he had taken her, what if he was already too late? But that wasn’t right – pepper was dead, she had fallen into the fire already and happy was in coma, and tony knew he had messed up royally when the race car he was driving was suddenly in the air. he thought he was in a race car in Monaco, but he- wasn’t? yeah, he was back in Afghanistan, the Humvee on fire, and he saw a body fall slumped against the windscreen, cracking it.
His name was jimmy.
And he’d never gotten to take that picture.
“Tony-honey calm down, please – you gotta breathe.”
He couldn’t – air won’t enter his lung even though he tried, and it made sense because he was floating in space hundreds of miles above earth, weightless. Pepper screamed his name as she fell, again and again, but he was helpless. he could do nothing. “Why didn’t you do more?” pepper asked.” why didn’t you protect me?” she looked horrible, her skin burned to ashes, her eyes nothing but two glaring red wounds, everything about her screaming death and destruction. “ANSWER ME!”
“You promised, tony.”
“you said you would catch me, and you didn’t.”
“Can you ever save anyone? you didn’t catch me either.” Tony looked towards the new voice. rhodey was suddenly there, looking at him with eyes burning with hate, and his legs – his legs were just a mound of bloody flesh and bones.
“You did this, tony. I blame you. I trusted you, and look where it landed me. I can’t walk, I can’t run, I can’t fucking go to bathroom on my own because you failed.”
Voices surrounded him, whispering and muttering. “You are the merchant of death, tony stark. annihilation follows you wherever you go, and you know it. everyone who comes near you suffers. your parents, your best friends, your team, even the love of your life. “
As if on que, his parents were there. the car crashed, but this time it wasn’t the winter soldier who choked the life out of his mom. it was Captain America.
‘Say something, dear. if you don’t, you’ll regret it.”
And regret it he did, for his whole life.
“What did they drug him with to get him like this- “
“this is nothing that Friday can identify-it’s not a drug drug.”
“You need to calm him down, his pulse and bp is still too high to be safe – “
“Tony please, it’s okay, you need to stop hitting everyone who touches you or else they will put you in restrains – “
“Damn right you need to be in restraints,” a voice said. “You are too dangerous.”
Steve was there, standing with his shield dripping with blood.
‘I’m trying to keep you from tearing the avengers apart.”
“You did that when you signed.”
Tony’s fault, as usual. just like Ultron. tony created life. he created a being capable of his own thought process, and he had tried to destroy humanity. Ultron had modeled himself off tony, he’d found out later.
‘Peace of our time……….’
He remembers Bruce’s sympathetic smile after the tower fiasco, because he too, knew what it was to feel like a monster. tony didn’t want to be that monster, never wanted it. he looked in the mirror and his reflection looked back at him with hollow lifeless eyes. He could suppress the dark thoughts in the back of head, but for how long? An A.I. had seen through his ups and downs and decided to ruin earth. Ultron was like him, he had humor, he had wit, he – was Tony’s.
‘And the earth will crack under your failure……………………………’
He failed his friends. he failed earth. he could still hear the cries of people who had been killed with the weapons he had made with his two own hands. he’d failed everyone who had looked up to him.
“who’s going to avenge my son, stark?”
“Underoos!”
He understood Charlie spencer’s mothers grief too well.
“Stop thrashing, tony, you are going to tear your IV!”
“I think he’s hallucinating something, some kind of memory- “
he screamed pepper’s name but he knew he wouldn’t get an answer because pepper had left him, and he was –
“I’m right here, tony. stop screaming my name, please? I’m freaking out right now.”
That was – pepper? What was she doing here? no, tony didn’t want her in this hell, she needed to get out right now-wait. Tony could feel her holding his hands, but she counts be there, no way, because she was dead. could he feel her because he was dying too? or was it because he was already dead? Either way, tony didn’t care. he relaxed.
“Heart rate’s calming, BP too, keep talking to him, pepper!”
“I got to sedate him, I have to flush his blood, no choice.”
He was lying helpless in the bunker and Steve was there, with his shield raised over his head. tony raised his gauntlet, repulsors powering up but he didn’t even notice, hungry for kill. The shield came down and tony braced himself but the impact never came. Instead there was a sharp pinch in his arm and the world faded to black.
When waking up from sedation, people describe a few minutes of confusion and memory gaps as the brain takes its time to wake up.
Tony didn’t have that privilege.
The moment he woke up, he remembered what he was seeing beforehand and he panicked.
He needed pepper, he needed to see if she was okay – he needed to protect her, and where was rhodey? Tony needed to – he should’ve-he-he-familiar hands embraced him.
“Morning, tony.”
“Pepper?” he gasped, because it was too good to be true, and he didn’t want to get his hopes high.
“it’s me, sweetheart. How are you feeling?”
Tony bolted up. “pep-honey, I’m so so sorry , I should’ve protected you- I could’ve done more , its my fault- I’m sorry-they were hurting you and I was there –“
“No, you weren’t there. and I wasn’t either. you were dreaming, tony. don’t you remember? we were coming back from a date night then you flew away in a mission. rhodey brought you back all drugged up. dr. cho fixed you.”
Only then did tony look around. and indeed, he was lying in a bed in the med bay, hooked up to IVs and other annoying contraptions.
“So, then rhodey- he is – he’s -?”
Pepper smiled. “he’s perfectly fine.” She handed him a cup of water with a straw in it. “Your throat might be a little soar. you were, uh- screaming quite a bit. freaked me out completely.”
“screaming, huh? what did they dose me with?”
“Still in the labs. they OD’d you, tony. Helen had to flush your system.”
And with that pepper climbed on the bed beside him, and tony allowed himself to smile- no one was hurt and everything was good. he snuggled around pepper, the memory of his nightmare already fading from his mind.