Bucky knows Steve only wants what’s best for him, but living with Sam makes him feel too normal. He doesn’t deserve to feel normal. Not after everything he’s done.
That’s what landed him in this bar drinking beers he knows won’t get him drunk and surrounding himself with strangers in an attempt to feel less alone.
Bucky thinks about leaving. It’s a little overwhelming to be sober in this place. There’s so many conversations going on, people cheering about the football game playing, and glass shattering and the bartender is bleeding and- the bartender is bleeding
Alarm singles fire through his brain rapidly, ripping him from his sulking. He shoots up from the stool he was sitting on, eyes wild with fear. He stumbled back a few steps and stuck his arm out a little in a futile attempt to distance himself as he moved away from the scene.
The mask, no, the muzzle. It’s on your face
They’re staring at you
They know
The recognize you
Buckys breathing is erratic and he is looking around trying to assess the situation. They’re all looking He needs to get out. Get fresh air.
He shoves the door open with more force than he needed to and walked out onto the cold sidewalk, chest heaving. The panic signals in his brain haven’t turned off as he fights the images of all of the blood.
“The blood is from the target” says the Asset, “then I trust you got the job done, no?” His handler spit out as he grabbed bucky’s face by the chin, forcing him to meet his eyes.
“Da, mission complete”
“Good, soldat, good”
The memory bombarded him. It pierced through his head only briefly with a small twinge. The memory wasn’t the worse of his evils, that’s good, maybe this will pass without getting ugly. Still, it was enough to make Bucky hiss at the sharp pain it brought with it
He needed to get home before things got worse. He kept his frantic pace, walking aimlessly because how could you go home when you have none?
Bucky expected it this time. When the ache pulling from from his head came, he knew he had to try to fight off the memory. He grabbed his head and gritted his teeth, grunting at the effort
The Chair
He peeled off into an alleyway, away from prying eyes, and threw his back to the wall
“Hyd- is you- only ho- now sold..”
Images flashed through his head in broken pieces. He could do this. He could fight it.
“GAH” Bucky yelled as the memory tried its best to resurface. The pain suddenly relented after what felt like years. Bucky sucked in air with a wide mouth and let himself hunch over resting his hands on his knees. He was still out of breath when he stood and walked out of the alleyway on weak legs
He’d won. He could manage on his own and he could make it to the tower… the tower… that’s where he’d go, he can be safe there.
He saw a group of people running
They’re troops running miles
“ No.” he growled through flame teeth. They’re just runners
He could feel the sharp pain coming back, blurring his vision. Blinked hard trying to see straight when he saw a black blur running straight at him.
Confusion began to set in as the flashback mixed with reality
“Bucky? Bucky is that you!” A man who was slightly winded called.
Bucky… he knows that name. Bucky is… he’s…
Bucky yelled in frustration as the fear of forgetting set in. “I don’t- … I can’t- .. I-“
“Bucky what are you doing out here?” Clint said as he came to a stop in front of Bucky. Bucky, who’s breaths we’re to quick and movements too frantic
“I’m not- AGH” Buck keeled over grabbing his hair and pulling it as if trying the pull out the painful images flashing through his head.
“You are the Winter Soldier now. You live to serve Hydra, understood?”
He’s strapped to a table and he’s biting onto something rubber. Electricity interrupted his thoughts as pain tore through him starting from his head.
“Understood?” The man said with more force and anger in his eyes.
Bucky regained control for a moment. He recognized the man ridden with worry in front of him
“Barton?”
“Yeah it’s me, it’s-“ Clint is cut off by Bucky gasping as the was forced back into the memory. Bucky bent over, eyes wide trying to stave off the instant replay if his worst memories.
Everyone is dead. No witnesses. The entire building was a blood bath.The shock of how much blood could be in a person brought Bucky back for a second, fleeting, but enough.
He got back to Hydra headquarters where he was greeted with demands of mission reports.
“They’re dead” is all that the soldier said
The doctors shared a bothered look and took a deep breath as though they were disappointed
“Restrain him to that pole” said the doctor, and they did.
“Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. 32557038” he muttered over and over like a mantra as the men beat him senseless
Clint didn’t know what to do with the muttering man in front of him. He called Steve and Nat, he didn’t know what else to do.
“Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes 32557038” Bucky muttered out loud as Clint sat him against a wall and waited for the other two to come help. Hearing him repeat it like he was going to lose it broke Clint inside
—
Bucky had his eyes squeezed shut when the two avengers arrived in record time. He was still muttering the numbers, only now there was some other mutterings mixed in.
“He has moments where he breaks free from wherever he is right now, but they’re brief” Clint filled in.
“You just found him like this?” Steve crouched down
“Yeah I- wait don’t!” Clint tried to stop the chain reaction as Steve grabbed Bucky’s shoulder to shake him.
Bucky’s eyes flew open wide and without time for even a breath to pass, he grabbed Steve’s arm, stood, and spun him effectively pinning Steve to the wall in one fluid motion.
Steve grunted at the impact, but tried to break through to his friend, “Bucky— Buck it’s me, Steve” he said with his face smooshed into the brick.
“ты проиграл” You lose Bucky seethed into Steve’s ear so lowly and grittingly that it was only audible to its recipient.
“Bucky I don’t understa-“ he was cut off by the sudden release of the hold on his back
Bucky had reached for his knife the second he finished his threat, to which both Natasha and Clint reacted quickly to.
They ripped Bucky off of Steve. The element of surprise was to their advantage as Bucky hadn’t even noticed them until now.
—
Bucky struggled against the grip of the two people at his sides, retraining him. He couldn’t turn to see who it was
“NOOO!” Bucky screamed with his chest, all his anger and pain coming out with the words.
He was just yelling now, sometimes throwing Russian threats and insults in the mix. The 3 avengers tried to calm him, but they didn’t release him.
Hydra agents dragging him to his cell. You’ve failed soldier
Bucky’s head hung low and hair fell in his eyes. The fight was leaving him, but he didn’t relent. Bucky shook his head with wide eyes and tried to look at the people restraining him. “I didn’t fail! I didn’t fail я не потерпел неудачу please PLEASE, I didn’t fail!” He pleaded to his paralyzed friends.
“I didn-“ he weakly started before noticing Steve in front of him, as if it was the first time he was seeing him. Tears welled in his eyes, but didn’t fall. “Steve?” He whispered in disbelief as his eyebrows knit together and a sad smile formed on his lips.
“Yeah Buck it’s me” the fight left Bucky’s body
“You shouldn’t be here” his joy turned serious, worry and seriousness seeped into his tone.
As if it was a snap, awareness snapped into Bucky’s eyes. “Where is here?” He tried to turn around and realized his arms were being held back, “Who- Hey! Who is that!” Bucky sounded startled and tried to turn to see his captors
Steve nodded at the other two avengers to release his friend. Bucky jerked forward and turned in one fluid motion, finally laying eyes on the two.
Recognition set in, he looked at his three friends in the silence.
“What’s going on?” He cautioned, already fearing for the answer. “You freaked out a bit…” Clint said
Yep. Bucky knew this would happen. It was bound to at some point. “Oh… I’m sorry if I scared you” he said, looking embarrassed. His eyes widened, “I didn’t hurt anyone did I” he said fearful of his autopilot responses. They assured him that he didn’t, but Bucky wasn’t convinced. He started walking back to the tower, to which Clint made him assure and reassure him that Bucky was okay to walk there. All 4 of them made their way back home.
Bucky knew that they weren’t going to let him go without talking about what had happened, but for now, they walked.