A God Doesn’t Whimper, A God Doesn’t Panic

A god doesn’t whimper. A god doesn’t panic. Loki knows that. He knows the feeling of utter terror is fake. It’s chemically made and god dammit he shouldn’t be affected as much as he is. So why is he curled into himself, shaking and pathetic, on enemy grounds in front of Hawkeye of all people? 

There were a million things running through his mind, demanding his attention and fear. The Sanctuary, Odin, his children, the void, and so much more. It was all jumbled up in his mind and Loki couldn’t shake it off and pretend everything was okay. Norns, he couldn’t even muster the strength to cover himself up with an illusion. Just the thought of using his seidr sent shivers through his spine. He had been punished for using his seidr too many times for him to even think of it without his stomach doing loops inside his body. The high pitched voices of children screaming ‘ ergi, ergi show us a trick! ’ combined with the memory of whips slashing his back and nails digging into his throat deemed his magic useless. Undisputedly, infinitely useless. Just like he was.

Loki could feel the bundle of magic in Clint's heart, green and bright, wanting to reach out and burrow itself into Loki’s chest. He wanted to smile and sob all at the same time. 

How had everything turned out like this?

____

1 hour ago

Outside of enemy base

“Can’t we just go inside already?” 

Clint glanced at the man next to him and glared. “No. Be quiet.” He was perched alert on a tree looming over the building with Loki sitting haphazardly beside him.

“Judging by my ever powerful seidr, there’s no one there. This is the perfect time for us to sneak in and get the staff.” Loki sounded almost as if he was whining but Clint grit his teeth and ignored it. Who knew gods could be such babies?

“No. We need to wait until the signal. We went through the plan a million times, Loki. Tony, Bruce and Thor beat the shit outta some guys in the front while Nat and Cap look for the ring leader. Me and you are supposed to go in and steal the staff when most of the guards are in the main lobby.”

“Oh come on Barton, I’m sure most of the guards are already there. Let’s just quicken the process and leave now.”

“Look, I don’t wanna be here with you either. The only reason I am is because for some reason Cap thinks I’m the only one you’re willing to listen to. So just shut the fuck up before I end up going to prison for killing you.”

“But-!”

“Loki!”

Loki sighed loudly and groaned. “Fine.”

Clint couldn’t believe he’d been the one entrusted to make sure Loki didn’t get out of hand. Sure, the god had shown the tendency to be more lenient when it came to him and sure Clint was the least likely to hesitate if he went crazy again and yes maybe they did work surprisingly well together but that didn’t mean Clint wanted to. The other Avengers might’ve gotten closer to Loki the past few weeks but Clint still saw him as the god who had controlled his mind and sent the whole world into a frenzy. Said god may have mentioned that he had also been controlled at the time but even if that was true he still couldn’t forgive him just like that.

Thankfully, the sound of Tony’s voice entered his earpiece before he fell down the loophole that was Loki. “K, guys. Me and the others have most of the guards held up back here. Feel free to shoot some arrows and cast some spells your way over to the magic staff.”

Loki whispered a soft ‘about time’ while Clint nodded tersely and made a quick grunt in affirmation. 

“Okayyy. I see you two aren’t feeling particularly happy right now. What, trouble in paradise? I would ask-” Tony seemingly stopped to punch a man in the face before continuing. “-what's got your panties in a twist but I’m a bit busy right now. Don’t get into too much trouble, kiddos!”

Loki let out a snort but for the main part Tony’s words went ignored as the two jumped down and sneaked in through a window. The god turned himself into a small cat and rushed past the few criminals that hadn’t made their way to the lobby yet. Clint frowned. Great. He would have to deal with all of these guys alone. It wasn’t particularly hard but it was beyond annoying. Loki was definitely doing this as revenge for not letting them go early. Once again, who knew gods could be so childish?

He ran into the room and spoke agitatedly. “The whole point of pairing up, Loki, is so we can help each other! It kinda defeats the whole purpose if you-” Clint stopped short in his tracks, noticing the short man holding a long wooden stick that was obviously taller than him. The man, which Clint had instantly dubbed ‘Wormtail’ for his large beady eyes and general rat-like disposition, was pointing the staff in Loki's direction while whispering something ominously. 

Just as Clint shot a arrow aimed at the man's arm and Loki casted his own spell to knock him unconscious (they had been given strict orders to make sure they left anyone overly suspicious alive and neither were interested in Fury’s wrath), a bright light shot out of the staff and into Loki’s heart. The man fell to the floor with a thud and Loki fell with him. 

“Fuck! Loki, this is the exact reason you weren’t supposed to go alone!” Clint walked over to Wormtail's unconscious body and checked to make sure the man wasn’t dead or faking. He wasn’t particularly worried about Loki-after all he had survived the Hulk's anger with little more than a few scratches-and simply continued appraising Wormtail. What did worry him however, was the soft whimpers coming out of the god mouth only a second later. 

Clint furrowed his eyebrows and studied Loki's shaking body. He was on his knees, only a few feet away from him, and was trembling with more ferocity than should’ve been possible. His armor was also now fading away and a green shirt with the imprint of a snake on it along with ripped up jeans replaced it. “Loki? You okay, man?” He got up with a quick huff and walked over to the norse god. Loki instantly snapped out of his trance and feverishly skittered away from him. He pressed into the dull gray wall and closed his eyes tight.

“Please please, I’m sorry. Please don’t do this…I’ll repent I promise..please don’t…please…” Loki’s begging turned into a jumble of pleas and Clint kneeled before him.

“What the hell, Loki. What's going on? I swear to god, if this is some stupid prank I’m telling Nat you wanna be her taste tester for a week.” Clint squinted at Loki. His eyes were wide and filled with tears while his entire body looked like the personification of an earthquake. This was completely unlike the persona Loki had played in front of him and the rest of the Avengers. In all Loki’s messed up words and brutal actions, he was never ever supposed to cry. Never supposed to show any emotion other than amusement or anger because then Clint would have to admit that ‘ fine maybe Loki wasn’t completely at fault for everything and anything and maybe he was more human than he pretended. ’ 

“No! No, please please, i’m sorry please don’t hurt me i’m sorry i’m sorry, please please!” Loki shrinked into himself and wrapped his arms tight against his stomach, as if expecting a kick. 

“Fuck man, it was just a joke. Don’t worry. I won’t make you eat any of Natasha’s awful food against your will. Wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies.” And what was Loki, if not that? 

For some reason, the words only seemed to terrify him further and Loki bit his lip hard enough to bleed. 

Clint pursed his lips and stood up to talk with the rest of the Avengers. “Guys? Something weird's going on. Loki’s panicking and I have no idea what the hell to do!” 

The first person to respond was Thor, voice obviously concerned. “What has happened to my brother? Has he been hurt?”

“Uh no not exactly. Somebody used the staff against him and now he’s in a corner all freaked out. I think there’s some sort of spell on him. I have no idea what to do.”

“Just keep him calm. All of us are held up right now but someone will come check up on you two soon. Try to get Loki to the quinjet if you can. There’s no telling if someone will find you two.” Steve’s voice was obviously strained from the fight but still carried a hint of concern in it.

“Keep him calm?! How the hell am I supposed to keep a god having a panic attack calm ?” Clint felt as if he was losing his mind. Of course he had to be assigned Loki’s partner and of course the god would get himself in trouble and of fucking course he was the one who had to deal with it. 

“Jarvis says try to get him grounded and aware of his surroundings. Like ask him to describe the room to you or something.” Tony sounded equally strained and barely managed to grind the words out.

Clint cringed at the sight of the god, so mighty and powerful just moments before, begging and crying at his feet. He sighed. What the hell was he going to do? He crouched back down and spoke slowly. “Look Loki I have no idea what’s going on inside your head right now but I need you to know it’s going to be okay.” Clint bit his lips. Well, here goes nothing. “Can you uh…can you tell me what the room looks like?” At Loki's unresponsive figure, Clint mentally swore. Obviously this wouldn’t work. 

“You don’t need to think too deeply into it. What's the color of the floor? Can you tell me that?” 

Loki shook his head as if proclaiming ‘ no of course i can’t do that how could someone as useless and pathetic as me posibly do anything ’ and Clint wanted to bury his head into the sand. “I don’t know, I don’t….I can’t….I don’t know.”

“Come on Loki. You know this. I know you can do this. What's the color of the floor?”

He wiped at his still flowing tears before letting out a feeble sound that vaguely resembled, “It’s…it’s gray.”

“Exactly. You do know.” Clint kept his voice soft and calming but his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. “Can you tell me what it’s made out of?”

“Um, rock? I’m sorry, I, I can’t tell…” He let out a whimpering hic and Clint placed his hand soothingly on Loki's shoulder. A motion he first flinched at but eventually leaned into. 

“Hey. It’s okay. You got it right. You’re doing great Loki. You know that, right?” At Loki’s frantic nod, he continued. “Good. That’s really good Loki.” His affirmations seemed to have calmed Loki enough for him to reduce his shaking to a slight vibration. Well, not necessarily any more calm but placated. Clint could work with that.

“We need to get to the quinjet okay? We need to get to safety. Can you walk?”

Loki blushed heavily and shook his head. Clint could almost see the self-deprecation seeping out of him. “Okay. That’s okay. I’ll just have to carry you.” Clint attempted to get up again but an unsteady hand grabbed his arm.

“No! Please don’t go! Don’t leave me alone. They’ll take me again. They’ll hurt me!” Loki’s eyes were wide and more green than Clint had remembered them. For a second Clint wondered who ‘they’ were. He had assumed the spell simply created fear in Loki’s heart but it seemed more likely that it had only brought out the fear that was already there. Who had hurt the god so much that his terror turned him into a bumbling, crying mess?

“I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay. It’s okay. I just need to tell the other Avengers something real quick, okay?” Clint laid his hand back on his shoulder and kneaded it slightly. “Guys. I’m gonna carry Loki back to the quinjet. Someone please tell me that it’s ready.”

“I’ll tell Jarvis to fly it closer to you. We’re almost done over here so we’ll talk more soon.” Clint nodded at Tony’s words even though he knew he couldn’t see him and turned his attention back to Loki. 

“Okay, Loki. I know this is gonna be super uncomfortable but I need you to get on my back. I’m gonna take you back to the quinjet okay?”

Loki jerked his head in what Clint assumed was a yes and Clint gave him a small smile. 

“Good. I’m gonna put my arrows on your back so they don't get crushed okay? It might be a little heavy but I promise they won’t hurt you.” With another small nod from Loki, Clint placed the arrows on his back with as much ease as possible. “Great. You’re doing amazing. Can you get on my back?” Again, Loki nodded. 

As completely unexpected as it was, Clint ran out of the room with a sniffling god on his back. Thankfully, there was nobody in their way and they made it to the jet in no time. 

Clint sat him down on the cot in the back of the jet and sighed. 

Loki, in turn, grabbed his wrist and stared at him with wide eyes. “Are you mad at me? I’m sorry I’m probably heavy. I should’ve walked. Norns, he was right. I’m useless and I-” He was hyperventilating now and Clint could feel the tremors that racked Loki’s body.

“Loki, it’s fine! Everything is fine. You weren’t heavy at all. It’s okay.” Except it was everything but okay. How was Loki so light? Sure, he had always known the god was tall and lanky but even Clint could tell he was much lighter than normal. Almost…malnourished. The sight of Loki begging not to be hurt filled his mind again and he bit his lip. What the hell had this self-proclaimed evil god gone through? 

At Loki’s insistence, Clint sat down on the cot and pulled Loki into his side. The god hadn’t asked for the last bit but fucking hell Clint was going to make him feel better if it was the last thing he did. 

“Come here, Loki. You’re okay. You did so good back there. You did a great job.” This apparently hit a sore spot as the tear gates flood open and Loki pressed in deeper to the warm body radiating seidr beside him. “It’s okay. You can cry. Do you…do you wanna talk about it?” Clint asked this question, in the main part, to help Loki. If a tiny part of him longed to know what haunted the god out of curiosity and a horrid sense of need, that was Clint's problem and Clint’s alone. 

“I’m so scared, Clint. I’m so scared. Why do the Norns hate me so much? No matter what I do, no matter how much I repent or get punished all they do is punish me more. Is it me? Is it my fault?” His voice was like shattered glass and broken bones. It shook and it trembled so much more than it should’ve and Clint was overcome with the intense desire to hold him tight and never let go. How could he when Loki, with his wet green eyes and shattered voice, would surely blow away at the lightest wind?

Clint patted his hair and pulled him closer until Loki’s legs were on top of his own. “No. No, don’t say that Lokes. Everythings gonna be okay now.” Lokes. He had never called him that before but somehow now, with all its messed up bits, seemed like the perfect moment. 

“Then why me? They already took everything. They already took my babies and they killed Sigyn and Glut and they…” Loki’s voice broke and all he could do for a few seconds was sob and hold on tighter to Clint. “...Clint, they did things to her. Angr was dead but still they…they did things. I loved her. I loved her so much. Always, always, I was punished. Why? Why? Why was I never enough? Not with Odin or Thanos or anyone else.” 

“You are enough and if Odin or anyone else can’t see that, forget them. People care about you, Loki. You matter.”

Loki shook his head but stayed firmly pressed into Clint’s side. “No, I don’t. You hate me. Everyone hates me and I deserve it.”

“I don’t hate you Loki. It’s complicated, sure, but I don't hate you. Not one bit.” Clint was surprised to see that he’d been telling the truth. “The other Avengers don’t hate you either. And I know for a fact Thor would die for you.”

“He shouldn’t. I’m a monster. That’s why the Norns hate me. That’s why everyone hates me. I’m a disgusting monster and everything that happened is all my fault. If it wasn’t for me they would’ve never hurt Sigyn and Glut and Angrboda would be happy. I…I deserve what Thanos did to me. He was right. I’m a disgusting, disgusting argr and I should’ve died in that thrice-damned temple! Odin should’ve never saved me.” Loki had completely let the tears flow now and Clint was so sure that in the end his tears would flood them all. They would all be drowned in the tears of a ruined god. In a way, it was oddly fitting.

Clint pulled Loki off of him and cupped his face in his hands. Loki almost seemed to melt into them. He couldn’t help but wonder where the Loki from this morning, the one who dumped salt into Tony’s coffee and ran while Tony chased him around the building, had gone. “Loki, look at me. I know absolutely nothing about your past but I know it wasn’t your fault. You’re not a monster. The things they did to you and the people you love? That was their fault. They might’ve tried to smile and lie and pretend it was you but it wasn’t and you know that. It’s not your fault.” Clint pulled him back in and simply rubbed his back as the god cried and cried. 

About twenty minutes later, time in which Loki had run out of tears and simply whimpered into his shoulder, the rest of the avengers emerged from the quinjet doors. The first one to enter was Thor, loud and frantic in every way a worried brother should be. Except a voice in Clint’s heart whispered that no Thor could not have possibly been a good brother because how could he let his little brother be so filled with scars his only respite was crying in Clint’s arms? 

“Brother! Are you okay? Clint has warned me that you have been cursed with  a spell.” Thor ran to his brother's side and Loki shrank away from the brother that should’ve protected him.

“Don’t be so loud, Thor. Loki has a headache.” Clint glared at the God of Thunder with more heat than it should’ve had judging by Thors hurt expression and Nat’s obvious intrigue.

“Yes, I am sorry brother. I should’ve paid more attention.” Thor’s voice quieted and Clint held back a scoff at his words. Thor held out an arm to caress his baby brother's face but the flinch that followed was so intense it stopped him in his tracks. Thor’s face crinkled in worry and the rest of the avengers stood behind him wearing similar expressions of concern, though watered down. “Brother? Is there something wrong?”

Clint spoke, answering for the bundle of heat and tears in his arms. “It’s probably best if you don’t touch him any time soon.” He went on to explain everything that had happened, though leaving various parts vague for the sake of Loki’s pride. 

“But he’s fine with you touching him?” Tony spoke with an undisguised wonder for what he had just heard.

“Yeah. I don’t really get how it works but I guess he got attached since I was the only other person near him.” His voice was calm, completely devoid of the earlier softness directed at Loki. He was, however, still rubbing circles on the gods back. A small action denoting that god dammit he was compromised and how could he ever even dream of hurting those bright green eyes?

Nat raised an eyebrow at the scene in front of her. “And you’re okay with that?”

Clint stared at the god with a mixture of emotions he was sure only Natasha was able to decipher, he shrugged. “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

After Bruce decided that he and Tony would run some tests once they got home, the rest of the Avengers scattered off to give Loki the privacy he needed. The only one who stuck around was Thor, pacing back and forth hurriedly as if that would solve all his brother’s problems, and even he wasn’t too close to the two.