Bucky sits on the couch after a nightmare. The clock reads 2:36 AM. Bucky isn't going back to sleep, he knows it. That's why he sits on the couch a cup of coffee in hand (instant coffee since he didn't want to wake up the others) staring at the wall. The coffee will keep him awake for awhile, he doesn't need as much sleep as the others so he should make himself useful by keeping watch around the house. He smiles at the thought, knowing how Shuri used to say that his serum was modified and different so he needed the same amount of sleep as a normal human. But he was used to not sleeping. Hydra would never let him sleep for long. He remembers Okoye and Ayo threating to knock him out if he ever compares his life now to the one back in Hydra.
He misses Wakanda, he really does. The peacefulness, the goats, but most importantly the people there. Maybe he should visit them sometime, that is if they would even let him, after the stunt he pulled with Zemo. He sighs, leaning back on the couch. His time here with Sam hasn't been too bad either. He's always worked next to Captain America, that being Steve or Sam- but he feels different with Sam. He feels equal. He isn't Captain America's side kick anymore, he's Captain America's Partner. He feels safe with Sam, which isn't something Bucky feels normally.
But if he feels so safe, why can't he just tell Sam what's on his mind? He doesn't want to overshare until Sam realises that he's better off with someone else as his teammate, as his partner. But he doesn't want to get to comfortable with Sam, only for Sam to leave him behind. And Bucky doesn't know why but he has this strong urge need to come out to Sam.
But maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all? He's been living here for almost a week and if he comes out now and Sam takes it badly, he can leave. But if he waits too long and gets too attached to them and then comes out, he'll get hurt. He looks at the clock- it reads 2:58 AM. He sees a pen on the coffee table and looks around for some paper. Coming out to Sam through a letter would probably be best, since he wouldn't be able to back down. He finds two sheets of paper and starts writing. Well not really. He starts writing at 3:24 AM.
Dearest Sam,
I need to tell you something. I'm gay. That's it really.
Being gay wasn't too good back in the day, actually it was illegal. My sister would always tell me that she isn't against the queers and I think she knew that I was gay. She always knew me more than myself. I thought she thought I gay and I refused to believe it, I'd try to get with girls but it felt weird and I ignored it, since what other choice did I have? Basically I refused to believe that I was gay (Shuri called this internalized homophobia).
When I got the Winter Soldier out of my system head, when I was in Wakanda, Shuri caught me up on what I had missed. She told me about vines and music and told me that being gay was legal now. She thought I was homophobic and was ready to challenge me, but I still remember her face when I told her that I wasn't. She was the first person I came out to. She helped me accept myself.
I came out to Steve too (which I was more nervous about) and it went really well! He said that he completely supported me. I used to have a crush on him, you know? But I'm over it, and I know Steve will never move on from Peggy.
I'm not sure if you're supportive, I think you probably will be, but I'm scared in case you aren't, that's okay. I can leave. You don't have to sugar coat it, if you want me to leave I will. But since you haven't said much about me leaving, I wanted to come out to you too.
Love,
Your Bucky James Buchanan Barnes
It's such a short letter but it takes him so long to write it. Then bucky takes the other sheet of paper and rewrites the entire thing, but without the things he crossed out. By the time he's finished it's already 4:59 AM. He makes his way to Sam's bedroom quietly, folding the letter and pushing it into the room, from underneath the door. Then he gathers some of the stuff he has lying around (which isn't much since he didn't want to get too comfortable so he kept most of his things packed). He shoved some of his things into his duffel bag and sat down on the couch. He's happy that no one woke up, but he's known for being surprisingly sneaky.
He sits back on the couch, contemplating everything. He looks at the clock once again, it's already 5:20AM. He usually starts to make breakfast at 6, when Sam wakes up and goes for a run. Sarah wakes up at 6 too and helps make breakfast. Cass and AJ wake up in between 7-7:30 AM depending on the day. Bucky had always loved to cook, but didn't get to do it outside his house (his mom was more than happy to let him help) but it was known as a female thing and he felt bad for loving it. He remembers the on his first day in their house, he asked Sarah if he could help out in the kitchen and eventually told her about his passion for cooking and she didn't judge him, which felt so good.
He doesn't feel like cooking, which means that he's really fucked up. Why does he care so much about what Sam thinks? He refuses to believe that the ex-Winter Soldier is scared of something like this. He sighs and gets up. Maybe a walk would make him feel better? He sure hopes so. Bucky leaves the house (as silently as possible) and then realizes that he wanted to keep watch of the house which he can't do if he walks away. What happens if someone breaks in when he's gone? Sure, Sam can handle himself, and he thinks that Sarah said something about having a black belt in karate, but he still feels responsible for their safety. He sits on the bench right outside the door, not wanting to go back inside. Eventually, he drifts off to sleep.
Bucky is woken up by Sarah. "Hey, Bucky. What are you doing out here?" She asks, concern obvious in her voice. "Oh, I- uh... I wanted some fresh air and fell asleep..." Bucky replies sheepishly. He feels bad for falling asleep. What if something had happened in the time when he was asleep? His thoughts are interrupted by the smell of food, coming from inside the house. "I've already made breakfast, by the way. I couldn't find you so I decided to start early." Sarah explains, seeing him look inside. "Oh... Sarah, I'm sorry-" "No. You don't have to apologize! I can make food myself, you know." Sarah says. Bucky just gives a small nod, not knowing how to argue back, and heads inside.
The moment he enters the house, he remembers the letter. Panic builds inside his chest as Bucky wonders if Sam saw the letter already. Bucky walks over to his bag, making sure most of his stuff was in it, just in case. And surprisingly, it all is. As bucky gets up he hears Sam's door open. Shit. He was so regretting this. Sam will probably kick him out and Sarah will be there to watch- maybe he shouldn't have written that letter or maybe he shouldn't have gotten so attached to them! "Bucky..." He hears Sam say sadly. No... "Can I... can I talk to you in my room for a second...?" Sam asks softly.
"I can leave." Bucky states emotionlessly not looking at Sam. "Bucky." Sam says a bit more sternly. Bucky finally looks at Captain America who has a pleading look on his face. "Fine." He spits out, sounding harsher than intended. Sam gives him a small smile as he opens his bedroom door a bit more, motioning for Bucky to step inside. So Bucky does. Bucky walks in Sam's room, trying to look as unaffected as possible. Sam closes the door slowly, probably giving Sarah some type of signal.
Bucky tries to find something to say but before he can get anything out of his mouth, Sam hugs him tightly. Bucky doesn't hug him back for a second or two, surprised by the hug but then hugs Sam back. "I support you, man." Sam says as he breaks the hug. Bucky wouldn't have minded hugging Sam for longer. "You do?" Bucky asks, sounding more happy than shocked. "Of course man! And Sarah would too. But I didn't want to out you in front of her." Bucky smiles. "Thanks." He simply says, but he thinks Sam understands how happy Bucky really is. "You know..." Sam says, only to cut himself off with a laugh. "I'm Omnisexual." Sam states with a smile. What...
"You know what that is right?" Sam asks after Bucky stays silent. "Oh yeah- Shuri is also Omni!" Bucky says, finally remembering where he had heard that before. There is a bit of silence. "Don't assume that I'd kick you out for something like this or any other small thing, okay?" Sam says, sounding serious. Bucky smiles. "Yeah you can't live without me, i know" Bucky says innocently. Sam sighs. "Man I wish i could hit you with that shield." "I'm better with that shield than you are." Bucky says, grinning as Sam scoffs.