Love, Stevie

It had only been 43 days since Bucky was deployed again, but it had already felt like the longest deployment of his life. His quarters were not so bad this time at least. They had actual bunk beds with sheets and pillows. He’ll never forget his last deployment with Sam and the hard rock floor they had been forced to sleep on for months on end. But even in this newfound comfort he could only stare at the ceiling imagining that the sheets beneath his fingers were the ones that Steve picked out. Steve was so excited to decorate their newest apartment. While they didn’t have the biggest budget Steve had been determined to make their tiny one-bedroom apartment a home. He mended their old drapes and bought new baby blue sheets to match. Steve had wanted green, but Bucky had insisted on baby blue. While he’d never admit it to Steve, he only wanted the baby blue sheets to bring out his favorite person's baby blue eyes. Since meeting Steve, blue has been his favorite color. It’s the sort of color you can look at and be reminded of home. To Bucky it didn't matter how crappy their apartment was, because his home was always with Steve.
Gripping the sheets beneath him Bucky was rudely brought back to his reality. These sheets were not the baby blue sheets Steve would throw over his face when Bucky woke him up in the morning. They weren't the sheets that wrapped around the blonde's slender body while he sleeps, making him look like every bit of the angel he is. These aren't the sheets that the blonde grasps his fingers tightly around making fists in them when they make love. These sheets were cold and they were itchy, never allowing Bucky to be truly comfortable. Everything the brunette sees is just a cold reminder of the home he was missing.
He was happy for the most part with who he had been assigned to share quarters with. Clint was bunked beneath him and in the top bunk directly to his right slept Sam. There were six other men in the room: Pietro, Rhodey, Tony, Bruce, Peter, and his least favorite Brock. Pietro wasn't really someone Bucky had gotten the opportunity to know very well yet, he was young and reckless but would never leave a man behind. Rhodey was nice, maybe a little too serious but they got along well enough. Bucky hadn’t hated anyone more than Tony before he met Brock, after meeting him Tony was a saint. And while he and Tony argued a lot, he really started to develop a bond with him, especially since this was their second deployment together. Bruce was not someone Bucky expected to be a soldier. He was too gentle for war; Bucky couldn't help but to feel that he was running from something when he enlisted. Bucky liked Peter, Peter is young and naive, fresh out of high school. But he’s loyal and good at keeping the group's morale up. But Brock? Brock was the bain of Bucky’s existence. He was the sore on the entire team's heel. He never had anything nice to say and was an expert at killing morale. Bucky had thought his bickering with Tony was bad, but nothing could have prepared him for the fights he got into with Brock.
Catching movement in the right of his eye Bucky turns to find Sam awake.
“What are you doing up so early man? Go back to sleep” Sam said, groaning and rubbing his eyes.
“Can’t sleep, you know how it is” Bucky grumbled looking up at the ceiling.
“Let me guess, thinking about a certain blonde again?”
“I always am” Bucky said, his crooked smile coming out and suddenly dropping, “I haven't heard from him since we got out here, Sam, what if somethings wrong?” Bucky whispered, staring at Sam hoping for an answer that will appease his worries.
“I don't know man, you think it's about your fight?”
Steve and Bucky had gotten into a big blowout fight just a night before Bucky had to leave again. Steve had come home late from work with a busted lip and a bad attitude. Of course Bucky laid into him about being stupid and reckless, reminding Steve that he’d be gone soon and unable to take care of him. Things were said by both men that they both undoubtedly regret. Bucky had laid up every night since thinking about it. It wasn’t like Steve to not write. They had gotten into plenty of blow out arguments before but Steve always wrote to Bucky. I mean they’re Bucky and Steve, nothing could get in between them.
“Dude? Hello?” Sam said waking Bucky from his thoughts.
“Sorry I just can’t stop thinking about him. I mean what if the punk is sick again? I hate having to leave him. He knows that. But he always writes to me even when he's mad at me for leaving, he never cuts contact. I fucked up Sam I said things I didn’t mean he has to know that” He turned his head to look at Sam.
“Have you tried writing to him first?” He asked Bucky, raising his brow in question.
“No of course not, he always writes first always. Besides, I'm not the only one who needs to apologize. He’s the one that got his scrawny ass into another fight and then came home bitching and complaining to me. He’s too stubborn and prideful, can never be wrong.” Bucky said, gripping the sheets beneath him into fists.
“Dude, look at yourself before you point fingers.” Sam said with a scoff. “You’ll work it out you always do, just reach out man, that way you’ll know if there is something wrong. You got something special, don't screw it up.”
`Bucky knew Sam was right, not that he’d ever admit it. That was the end of their conversation however as others in the room started to stir.
Sam was the only one who knew about Steve. It wasn’t that Bucky was ashamed of Steve or their relationship. Bucky knew he was lucky to have the beautiful blonde by his side. But the military isn’t exactly where one opens up about being homosexual, it might be 2003 but the world still isn’t accepting. Besides with “Don’t ask don’t tell” Bucky couldn’t be open about his sexuality if he wanted to. He couldn’t imagine what people like Tony or God forbid Brock would say if they found out about his sexuality. But Sam was different, they had a bond you couldn’t form if you were never in their situation. They were forced to be open and trust one another out in the middle of nowhere awaiting rescue for months. Bucky had a hunch that Riley had been more than a friend but he knew he shouldn’t pry. Besides Steve of course, Sam was his best friend. He loved Steve but there were things he would never understand about what he’s gone through. Despite how hard Steve tried to enlist after 9/11 he never got in. He’ll never experience what Bucky has. Truthfully Bucky was grateful no one was stupid enough to take his little punk. Steve had tried every branch he could with constant denials. And while Bucky attempted to be sympathetic he couldn’t hide his gratefulness at the fact Steve was denied every time. Bucky could never forget how hurt Steve was when Bucky told him he had enlisted and been accepted. After the terrorist attacks so close to his home he felt driven to enlist, just like many men and women his age. Steve felt betrayed, he felt like Bucky had gone behind his back by enlisting. In reality Bucky knew Steve was jealous, but he also knew at Steve’s core he was scared for Bucky. And he understood he really did, Bucky couldn’t imagine the fear he’d have had if someone had actually taken Steve. Stevie may have been a punk but he was his punk.
An hour passed in the blink of an eye, Sam had fallen back asleep and Bucky had gotten lost in thought dreaming about his favorite baby blues. When the group's alarms went off he was broken from his trance of blue waters and blonde valleys.
His squad commander bursted in at 6am on the dot holding letters. As commander Fury approached him he hoped beyond all hope the last letter he was holding was for him. And by his surprise it was, he felt all the air he didn’t know he was holding escape his lungs as he saluted before grabbing his letter. He couldn’t focus on anything Fury had left to say to his squad, anxious to know the contents of the letter he was holding at his side. As soon as Fury left Bucky got back in his bunk to open the letter.
“Ma’?” Bucky said confusedly looking down at his mothers carefully etched signature on the letters envelope.
“Your girlfriend finally write to you Barnes? We’re tired of the moping” Tony said from across the room, only half joking.
“Can it Stark, at least I can keep a girl.” Bucky said not even able to look up from the letter.
“I hope she’s breaking up with you, I bet she’s ugly anyways.” Brock said laughing with Stark.
“Shut the fuck up Rumlow” Bucky gritted out sending a glare in his direction.
“Why don’t we cool it y’all it's only six in the morning'' Sam said, clearly annoyed as he tidied up his uniform, fixing the roll of his pants above his boots.
Bucky tuned everyone out as he carefully opened the letter, careful not to rip any of his moms handwriting on the envelope. He loved his mom but she never wrote. She hadn’t written to him since he went through basic training. He tried not to feel guilty about the disappointment he had felt when the name written on the outside said Winifred and not Steven. As he began to read, he could feel his hand holding the paper begin to tremor in anticipation. That’s when his heart dropped, “Poor Steven’s in the hospital again. Nasty case of pneumonia. He called for me to write to you. He’s been in the hospital for three weeks now. Who knows how long he’s had it” Bucky knew it had to be bad. Steve always refused to go to the hospital knowing they really couldn't afford it. But Bucky didn’t care about the money Stevie's health meant more than having to do another tour to make up for their lack of funds. It took everything in Bucky to not punch the wall or sob from frustration. He didn’t even finish the letter, not caring about what else his mother could possibly have to say. He tucked the letter in the inside of his pillowcase gently before climbing down from his bunk. He collected his boots and his cigarettes and left the living quarters without a word. Walking around in the desert heat did nothing to clear his mind. He lit his cigarette taking a deep drag. He never smoked in front of Steve, always going out onto their fire escape or walking down the street to smoke. He knew he should give up smoking all together but with a stressful punk of a lover like Steve he didn’t see how he could ever quit.
He had seen Steve in the hospital more than he’d have liked to. His frail body covered in tubes haunts his dreams more often than his war trauma. He didn’t know how much longer he would be here. His squad was on a recon mission, one that felt never ending. He hoped to return home by the end of the month just in time for winter in New York. Winters in Brooklyn were both beautiful and terrifying for the couple. Stevie had to be a lot more careful in the colder months. But it was also the time of year when they’d take the train to New York NY and go see the huge tree and ice skate at the Rockefeller center. God Bucky hoped he'd be home for that.
Sam gripped him on the shoulder, concern in his eyes, “Everything alright Buck?”
“Stevie’s sick again” Bucky said, taking one last drag of his cigarette before stomping it out with his boot.
“I'm sorry man, is it bad?”
“Honestly I think so, he’s got pneumonia Ma’ didn’t say anything else.”
“I’m sure he’ll be good he always pulls through.”
“You’re right, that little punk’s always gotta have the last word” Bucky said with a dry chuckle.
“C’mon man we gotta report for debriefing” Sam said with a last squeeze to Bucky's' shoulder before turning around to go back to their quarters.
Bucky took one last look up at the sky praying Steve was looking at it too.