Chapter 11
"Hi."
Watching him standing a few meters away from her, hands stuffed in his pockets and a look of genuine heedfulness on his piercing, alluring eyes —the main source of his undeniable yet treacherous charm— Sigyn did not have the heart to walk past him again as if he were invisible.
She was therefore forced to stop her pace, keeping a fair distance from him nonetheless, and crossed her arms over her chest once again, still unable to meet his eye-line.
"Hi…"
"I, um…" He cleared his throat, not because he needed to but because he was trying to buy himself a few seconds, having only just discovered that in his eagerness to speak to her, he had forgotten to think about what he'd actually say. "I was talking with Sylvie and she mentioned… something she saw in Lamentis when she tried to grab ahold of my mind—"
"About your memories, yeah."
"Wh—You knew?"
"Yes, she'd told me," Sigyn said, lifting her head at last to look at him.
"Why haven't you mentioned it?"
"Probably because the first and only time we've interacted after she told me, you shipped me off to Asgard."
This time, it was Loki who lowered his head, at least for a moment.
"I was trying to save you…"
"Well, I am not yours to save!" she imploded at last, arms falling at her sides while she turned to pace up and down a short distance as a way to release as energy every feeling and thought she had been bottling up. "I'm sorry—" She turned to face him. "I know you meant well, I know that, but I am just… so tired of existing according to you, to any of you! The only reason I've ever been of interest to anyone has been my connection to you, everywhere I go I'm just… waiting until you or someone linked to you has use of me. I am so sick of being your damsel in distress or the Loki expert or… the Wife of Mischief. At this point, I would gladly get myself killed out of my own stupidity because at least that'd be my decision!"
She breathed in to go on and reassure Loki that she knew most of her exasperation was not aimed at him specifically, that even though lately she had forgotten to set him and the person she had married apart, she was still aware that they were two different people. However, when she tried to speak up, her words got caught in her throat and she knew that anything she said would come out a broken whimper. So instead, she brought her hands up to her face, concealing it in them for a second as she composed herself.
To her relief, when she looked at him again, Loki didn't seem offended or vexed with her in the least. If anything, or at least she hoped she was interpreting his face expression correctly, he looked as if he had already sorted out that he was only partly to blame for her outrage, that she needed to get those thoughts and feelings of hers out in the open first and work them out second. Part of her actually regretted having opened those metaphoric gates, for now it seemed as though she could no longer close them, having her feelings just pouring out without her being able to help it. She made several attempts to speak up again, but each time she tried, she was left on the verge of tears. Loki, therefore, took the liberty of saying what he had approached her to say, hoping that would grant her enough time to recuperate.
"I'm sorry if before I made it look like I'm not glad you're here."
She took a deep breath which she then exhaled silently yet quite shakily, once again crossing her arms.
"Truth is… I've been glad to see you every time I've seen you since I met you." He exhaled an embarrassed chuckle. "Which is not something I ever saw myself feeling for anyone, much less admitting it to them."
Sigyn was torn, as she experienced something that closely resembled one of her most treasured memories, between finding it heartwarming —which it certainly was— or heart-wrecking. So far, she could only categorize it as oddly both at once.
"Why are you, then?"
"Because… after what Sylvie said, I started thinking about life after this, if there even is a life after this." He paused to sigh deeply. "And I was wondering— hoping, rather… we could figure it out together."
There would have been a time not too long before when Sigyn would have leaped at that opportunity that was currently being extended to her, succumbed to it head first, no questions asked. Now, and after the deliberation that had been taking place the last few… whichever units of time could have been used to describe the passage of past events at a place where time flowed much differently than she knew it to, it broke her heart to answer what she was about to and in fact couldn't do it without tears forming in her eyes, for that face she was looking upon was the one she had once thought she would never in her life say no to.
"I don't know."
She had to quickly wipe a tear away, for withholding them as she saw the look on Loki's face and the way in which he dropped his head became impossible.
"Was being married to me that dreadful?"
Sigyn sighed deeply and once again had to look away in order to grab ahold of herself. As long as they were confessing things they never thought they would say to one another, and as long as the division between this Loki before her and the Loki she had married seemed to have been momentarily suspended, she figured she might as well go all the way through with it.
"Alright, sit down." She herself took a seat on the grass, this time wrapping her arms around herself for warmth rather than out of frustration and she kept her eyes glued to the ground, waiting until she could see Loki settling down beside them from the corner of them. "Being married to you," she began. "has been one of the most draining… and yet, at the same time, most rewarding experiences of my life."
The God of Mischief glanced up at her, having not expected that change of heart by the end of the sentence. Sigyn, in the meantime, was too busy processing the fact that she was finally saying out loud everything that she had expected she would have to keep to herself for the rest of her days. Wanting to make the most out of this sudden rush of courage, she went on.
"You are unpredictable and irritating and it's just so difficult to get anything through your thick, thick skull…" She paused to take a deep breath. "But I suppose, being one of the very few people who could actually get through to you was oddly fulfilling. When people looked at us, all they saw was this… foolish, orphaned maiden who had fallen helplessly in love with the trickster prince, who always thought her beneath him, who respected nothing nor no one." She slowly shook her head; Loki listened intently, watching her absorbedly. "You were the only person, and I do mean the only one… who saw how clever I actually was, how capable I was, how… strong I was. Even though I didn't even know it myself." She managed to pull off a small smile and she glanced at him long enough to offer him it, realizing she needed to look away from him immediately if she was to pluck up the strength to go on. "And I knew…" She turned to look at him again, this time to jerk her chin towards him as a way of pointing his way. "—this you. Someone aware of his falters, who was trying to overcome them, even if he tripped over some old habits every now and again."
Loki too needed to look away, trying to blink the tears that were now forming on his own eyes.
"So when we got married and everyone thought you were doing it out of vanity and me out of stupidity, it didn't matter." She shrugged, shaking her head. "We knew each other better than anyone, we knew what we had. And that was enough."
"What changed?"
She exhaled a sad chuckle. "You became Loki of Jotunheim and you embraced it," She snapped her fingers. "like that."
"That's not all it was to me," he argued in his defense, feeling that old sense of resentment rise within him as he re-lived that moment. "It wasn't a matter of where I was from, it was… it was about the fact that I had been born to die, I had been born to be abandoned—"
"No," Sigyn refused. She had heard of that justification plenty of times and while she regretted not having contradicted it in the past, she refused to miss that chance for the second time. "All you ever took from that story was that some… ice monster left you. And you never for a moment stopped to think about the fact that Odin took you. And raised you, and loved you, we all did."
Loki turned his head to look away from her.
"You think you're afraid of being alone because no one will ever love you, but you're wrong." He glanced at her and they gazed at each other almost defiantly for a few seconds. Sigyn swallowed and finished her point. "You're afraid of people loving you, changing their minds, and then leaving you alone." It was her turn to look away from him; after a few seconds, Loki did the same and they both stared ahead at nothingness. "So you did what you always do, which is make other people's decisions for them. You pushed all of us away just in case we were ever considering doing the same to you."
She scoffed a chuckle, tilting her head back.
"And the worst part was… I became exactly who everyone thought I was. Sigyn the Faithful, the stupidly loyal Wife of Mischief… Every time you disappeared, I waited for you, every time I thought you dead, I mourned you, every time you reappeared, I just took you back."
"Why?"
She turned her head towards him.
"Because I knew that deep down, underneath all of that, was the real you. This you," she gestured his way again. "And I knew that had the roles been reversed, that person would have never given up on me. So I refused to give up on him."
Loki observed her almost yearningly. He himself had been loved, yes, he would not go as far as to deny it, yet the fervency with which Sigyn described their bond together with how much she seemed to know him, rather than disuade him only made him long for their reacquaintance even more.
"Did I ever become that version of myself again?"
Once again, Sigyn found herself caught between heartache and bliss, hearing Loki speak in the first person. She had lost count of the times she thought to herself how readily she would have given up whatever was demanded from her just to be granted as much as five more minutes with him. However, the person she had married felt so near and yet so distant at the same time, she wondered if she would have been better off never being extended the chance to have that conversation. With a deep breath, she nodded.
"Right before I died," he guessed, knowing himself to be right even though Sigyn did not answer. "I suppose it's not my place to ask. Or, I don't know, perhaps it is… Why don't you want me to remember any of that? Pick up where we left off…"
"Oh, I do want that," Sigyn corrected him as their eyes met. "I'm just not entirely sure that's what you want."
"Why else would I bring it up?"
"Because you think it's what you have to want."
Loki froze. He couldn't confirm that she was right, but he had certainly never considered it from that perspective before. To be perfectly honest with himself, he found her keen, extremely acute sense of perception intimidating.
"We had our lives taken away from us, we have… quite literally no place in the world. I suppose it makes taking a shortcut to the closest thing we've got to a past all the more enticing." She shook her head. "But we shouldn't have to settle for that. I deserve better than to be your safe choice, even I know that. And you deserve to be whomever you want to be, not just the man I remember."
"I think I'd like to be that man regardless."
"Why?"
"Because I think you're brilliant. Bothersome and irritating, at times, sure—" She managed a chuckle and he smiled. "but brilliant. And if by the time this all ends, I have to decide what person I want to be, well… I'd like to be the one who's worthy of someone like you."
Sigyn felt tears clouding her sight again, this time dangerously fast, too fast for her to contain it. She jerked her head away from him and swiftly wiped her eyes with two fingers.
"Don't be sweet, it's not helping."
"Back to an idiot, then?" he offered with a soft, warm smile.
"Please," she jokingly confirmed before sniffling delicately. "You know, chances are that whatever's ahead won't just end overnight. We've got plenty of time to figure things out."
"I suppose we do," he agreed.
They both returned their attention to the valley downhill from them, most likely processing in their own way everything they had interchanged, drawing conclusions, posing questions, answering others that might have been left dangling in their minds until then. At least that's what Sigyn was attempting to do until an even cooler wind blew over them, making it impossible to concentrate. Already she missed Asgard's fair weather for which she was actually dressed.
"It's cold."
While she deliberated, Loki did the same, except his eyes remained on the valley for just a few seconds before they found themselves drawn back to the woman beside him. He had promised himself he wouldn't make any rushed decisions —especially after the brand new perspective Sigyn had introduced him to— but as he watched her rubbing her own arms for warmth, something became evident: he was fond of her, certainly more than he had ever been of anyone else.
"You know," he posited. "body heat's supposedly the best source for heat."
Immediately, Sigyn scoffed, rolling her eyes dramatically yet offering him an amused smile.
"You're transparent," she accused him as they displayed small smiles they were visibly stopping from growing wider. "And while I know you're completely manipulating me, lucky for you, I could really use it."
Deciding to tease him just a little further, knowing him to be quicker with words than with actions, she waited for him to take the initiative.
"What?"
"Well, it was your idea!" she laughed.
"Right." He cleared his throat solemnly, scooting over to sit closer to her.
He tentatively raised one arm only to immediately put it down before he raised the other instead, oscillating between one awkward pose and the next, executing none of them.
"This is painful to watch…"
"Well, I don't exactly thrive under pressure!"
By then, Sigyn's smile had grown into a beaming one.
"I'll lead, shall I?"
"I wish you would."
She took him by the wrist and placed his arm around her shoulders and only leaned into him slightly. After all, contact of that nature was still uncharted territory for him and the last thing she wanted was pressure him into it.
"How's that?"
Loki hummed in contemplation and once again, she rolled her eyes, as affectionately as she had the last time. To her surprise, the Prince took it one step further and brought his arm around her waist, unknowingly adopting a position that to her was most familiar.
"Could I ask you to promise me something?" she requested.
"Okay."
"That you won't ever make a decision, big or small, based on sparing my feelings. I can take it if you never grow to love me, I can even take it if you grow to hate me… but I can't have you pitying me."
"I would never pity you," he promised without missing a beat, most likely because he resented being pitied just as strongly.
"Thank you."
Their previous silence of reflection resumed, yet Sigyn felt obligated to punctuate it again for the wind did not desist.
"This body heat idea's rubbish, by the way, if anything I'm colder than before."
"It's a proven method, give it a minute."
"How would you even have body heat? You're a Frost Giant."
"Well, I'd let you break away but I feel warmer already and I just promised to completely dismiss your feelings."
She laughed. "And back to an idiot you go."