The first time Thor saw Loki in his Jotunheim form was when they were young, Thor was seventeen and Loki fifteen. For both of them the universe stopped running, Loki felt afraid and disgusted at himself but for Thor, all felt completely different. He was seeing the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. "Brother…" and before he could say something else, Loki already ran away. He didn't want Thor to see him like that, he was different, he wasn't Loki of Asgard, he was Loki of Jotunheim, a frost giant and a monster.
He only stared at the direction where Loki had run away. Thor didn't know what to do, he just stayed still; he was young and inexperienced. Loki locked himself in his room for the next couple days. Frigga knew what was happening and she only told Thor to be patient and give Loki some time for himself, so that when he felt ready he would talk to him. That time never came.
Several hundred years later and Thor was still waiting for that time to come, he didn't care how long it would take his little brother to open up and talk about it, he would wait for him. Even when they became enemies, even when they hated each other, even when Thor had long forgotten the promise he did to himself, he still waited unconsciously. Another hundred years passed, they grew distant to each other, they didn't know each other anymore, that happy and innocent kids vanished several centuries ago.
Then it was the Ragnarok, they met again, both knew their fates were intertwined but none of them wanted to acknowledge it, especially Loki. He denied it, ‘oh come on, the God of Mischief, a complete abnegated of his own race, and a failure was connected to the brightest, powerful and successful God of Thunder, son of the Allfather, Thor?’ That was the most absurd idea he’s ever heard.
As Thor was growing older, he understood the meaning behind his mother's words and the being who claimed to be the God of Mischief. He was no longer the blond, brute and idiot they thought he was.
“Loki" they were alone in Thor's chamber. After all the events with Hela they both sensed, for the first time in centuries, how awkward and tangled their relationship was.
"Perhaps… could we talk?" Loki was genuinely surprised, he never thought his brother - the muscle-head brute who solved all with pure strength - was being serious. "All those sparkles killed your left neuron?" Loki laughed halfheartedly, he knew Thor wanted to talk about something he didn't want to. He knew it because how not, he was the smart one between both of them. "Loki, I’m serious, I need to talk with you" nope, he wasn't buying it.
Even if he knew what Thor wanted to talk out that bad, he wasn’t doing it “Is there anything we need to talk about? I don’t believe so, brother” Loki just went along and played dumb “Plus, may I remind you that talking is not one of the strongest points in our family?” emerald eyes stared at the sky-blue hues “Indeed, but that doesn’t mean we can not try” Thor said, staring back at him. Since when his brother was so eloquent, so calm and patient; it felt weird, almost wrong. Those were Loki’s qualities not Thor’s.
“Loki, I know this is very odd, and more if I’m the one suggesting it” he scoffed “But-” why was this so hard for god’s sake?! Even when he and Jane broke up it wasn’t that hard. Words constantly died in his throat, piles and piles of unspoken words accumulated there over the centuries and now it was impossible for him to utter a single one “I- I do really think this is what we need…” Thor took a few steps forward, not too close but not so far from Loki, just the perfect distance for them to feel the heat seeping out from their bodies.
Loki sighed “I didn’t expect you to be this dumb” he shook his head pretending to be disappointed “Brother, whatever you think we need to talk about, I do not consider it that way. Just take as an example our last talks” Loki snorted when Thor’s expression twisted in a painful grimace at the recalling of their past encounters.
“See? You can’t even deny it!” the raven looked at the ceiling and covered his face with one hand “Centuries…” Loki spat the word with a venomous tone as he slowly opened his darkened green orbs “All these centuries alive… And do you really think we need this?!” Loki’s incredulous laugh filled the room “Even when we were kids you weren’t that naive, brother…” he raised his voice, tone filled with regret and resentment. This was getting out of control, Loki’s feelings and emotions were slipping through his fingers. This is why all of this was a bad idea, coming to Thor’s chambers was a bad idea, him being by his brother’s side was a terrible mistake.
Thor was speechless, he didn’t know how to react much less how to answer, so he took it as a good chance to run away from this situation. He began to look covertly at the door, planning his escape route. But of course, Thor, being his brother for a long time now, noticed what he was planning.
Before the gears inside Loki’s head stopped running he quickly spat the first words that came to his mind "Are you going to run away?" Thor stared at his brother "What am I even saying? Of course you are going to! Is what you always do after all". At this Loki focused his attention on his brother "What did you just say?" Loki squinted his eyes at the statement.
Thor made it, he distracted Loki from the thought of running away "Oh dear brother, do you really want me to say it? Loki, you're an expert of running away" Thor exaggerated the tone in his voice and smirked at him. Loki decided to put aside his escape plan, he wasn't going to allow that humiliation, even if it was partially true “I didn’t know that the crybaby who always sought for mother’s advice was now acting as a grown adult” Loki frowned “Oh fool of me, it seems I’m mistaken. Because all I see in front of me is the same eight year old brute, who believes that he is a king just because he sat on a throne made out of scrap!” Even when his little brother was insulting him he couldn’t help but feel proud at how he flipped the entire situation. Now he only needed to figure out how to go back to the main topic, their true feelings.
“Perhaps I should remind you who is truly worthy of Asgard’s throne” Thor came to his senses when one of Loki’s daggers caressed his left cheek “Who is the kid here little brother?” Thor smiled at Loki with the smug expression he hated so much. Every time Thor was about to win during their sparring, he beamed him with it.
“All I can see from here is a little prince throwing a tantrum for not getting what he wants” if anything bothered him more than the arrogant smirk plastered on his brother’s stupid face, was being called a child. He was a befitting Asgardian prince and one of the best sorcerers in Asgard’s entire history! His knowledge was vast and his manners were elegant and perfect. In no way he was going to tolerate being called a child.
His hands worked quickly, summoning another dagger to throw at the blonde god. But Thor dodged the knife “You’re only proving my point little brother” he emphasised the last words trying to irk him more. Loki’s body was boiling from irritation “I am just correcting the wrong image you have of me, dear brother” Loki’s face showed the smile he always displayed whenever he faced something unpleasant but wasn’t allowed to express it. He started to cast a spell but before he could finish Thor closed the distance in a few strides. He placed his left hand on Loki’s small waist and the other grabbed the hand which was gathering seidhr.
“Loki it’s time for us to stop fighting” their faces were inches apart and both of them silently refused to break eye-contact. “Stop with the nonsense then” Loki closed the distance between them as if challenging his brother. Now their lips were almost touching. It was scorching, the warmth their bodies were irradiating was almost unbearable. While Thor craved to feel Loki’s warmth the latter only wanted to run away from it. He was filthy, he was unworthy. Even when he desperately wanted to be comforted by the sun, the cold reality would remind him that sun and moon are opposites. They are never meant to touch, meet or be together.
“What would mother say if she saw us right now?” Thor didn’t want to corner him but if it would get Loki to talk, he would “Wow, pulling out the sympathy card? That’s low even for me, brother” Loki squinted his emerald eyes “Do you think both of them wanted us to be like this?” Thor pushed a bit “So you want to keep up with this strategy. I’m sorry but I’m not gonna play along. I don’t care about it” he tried to retreat but Thor didn’t let go “Do you remember what mother used to tell us whenever we argued?” Loki’s face scrunched in annoyance “I already told you, I don’t care. You muscle-head deaf”.
He couldn’t build up enough courage to tell him he did. How could he forget all the teachings their mother taught them? Their mother was their role model, more so for Loki than for Thor. “I know you do. We loved her, and how could we not?” Thor’s smile showed the longing and sadness their mother left behind “You spent hours and hours with her talking about anything interesting you found in your books” Loki bit his cheek and yanked back “I already told you, I don’t care. Whatever she told us, is in the past now”. He rubbed his wrist soothing the pain away.
“She told us to be together, even if we don’t mutter a single word” Thor looked him in the eyes and Loki avoided his gaze. He was a coward, he knew he was but he couldn’t help it, it was Thor who was standing in front of him. Thor tried to reach for Loki’s hands but he stepped back. He closed his eyes again, he couldn’t stand looking at those eyes, those blue hues that could see through him. He took a moment to organise his thoughts “I’m growing tired of this. It’s just pointless for us to keep going with this” He changed his clothes “What are you doing?” Thor couldn’t help but worry at the sudden mood swing “I don’t care anymore whatever you want to call me or whatever you think of me. I’m getting out of here”. No, he couldn’t afford letting him go. Not after being reunited again.
Thor gripped Loki’s left arm “I’m not letting you run away” it was infuriating, what did he need to do in order for him to stay? “Loki, please, just once” he changed the strategy, this time he decided to be straightforward, without tricks or emotional blackmail, just be honest and open. That was his best quality after all “For once, in our entire lives, tell me what is haunting you? What are you afraid of? What is going on inside that brilliant head of yours? What are you hiding behind those impenetrable walls you lifted around your heart?” he saw how his words were contorting his brother’s face. All kinds of feelings reflecting in the small jewels he had for eyes.
Loki wanted to cry, wanted to scream, wanted to tell Thor how he truly felt, how all those centuries had been feeling, but he couldn’t. His pride wouldn’t allow it, he wouldn’t show his vulnerable side to him, not to him not to anyone anymore. He only allowed one person to go through the gates of his heart and he ended up murdering her. He didn’t have the right to be comforted, not after having brought chaos and despair towards their people, not after betraying those close to him, not after killing the last bit of love and hope his brother had for him. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven nor to be loved.
Loki opened his mouth but closed it almost immediately when he remembered his past decisions. And after what it felt like hours, he opened his thin cherry lips again "After all we have been through all these past days, and, as always, you need to screw it up, brother" Loki was hurt and tired. Fine, if his brother was so desperate to talk with him, who was he to deny his wish “You just couldn’t stay put and let things be, no. You and your stupid brain thought it was a good idea to talk things out. As if that has ever worked for us!” He grunted in frustration “Loki, I know-” Thor was about to speak but Loki didn’t allow it.
“No. Weren’t you the one who wanted to talk? Well, let’s talk” his hands turned into fists “Do you know why I distanced myself from Asgard? From our family? From you?” Before being able to answer Loki spoke “Because I can’t stand the thought of being by your side” Thor stopped breathing at the statement “The thought alone it’s sickening. It makes me feel like my skin is being ripped off. Brother, since that moment how many times have you been asking yourself why couldn’t we be like before?” He was drawing out a bit of blood from how hard he was clenching his hands.
Thor knew what moment he was referring to, it was the day he learned what the meaning of gorgeous was. He couldn’t stop his young self from thinking how it would feel to be looked at by those rubies, how it would feel to touch that smooth looking skin, how bad he wanted to run his fingers through that silky raven hair, how it would taste those shiny and plush blue lips… Teenager Thor sure had a rough time back then “Because nobody saw me in the same light since that day” his tongue was burning as these words left his mouth “Everyone…” Loki whispered and stared down at the floor. He started laughing like a mad man and turned his attention back to his brother.
His eyes were filled with despair and emptiness “Even when father killed those who witnessed my true form, I clearly remember the contempt, the disgust and the hate their faces displayed!” There was no turning back now. Everything was falling apart, now they couldn’t stand side by side anymore “And those who remained looked at me as if I was some kind of grotesque animal!”.
Loki pinned Thor down - this wouldn’t even be possible if the latter wasn’t deep in thought -, and as a result he was straddling the blonde god "What’s wrong brother?” he smiled “You seem quite surprised. You wanted the truth, here it is'' Loki's voice was full of hatred "Loki-" Thor was cut by a dagger on his throat. His hands were trembling a little and his breathing was ragged. He couldn’t allow himself to spill more than he already did. He did a good job hiding his true feelings from his brother for all these past centuries, so he couldn’t allow himself to fall apart.
“Sorry brother, but we made our choices back then. It’s something it cannot be undone, we can no longer go back to those times” He dared to look one more time to those sky-blue hues he loved, now filled with sadness and remorse “I guess it's a mistake to call you that, especially when you and I are complete strangers." At these last words Thor couldn't restrain himself, in a blink, it was Thor who was pinning Loki down "Never dare to say that again". The God of Thunder was beyond furious with how their talk - if he could call it that way - went, this wasn’t what he intended it to be. He was angry with all those bastards who had the guts to talk behind his brother’s back, he was angry with his brother for saying such nonsense but the one he was most angry with was himself for being blind to his brother's suffering.
Loki remained silent, as if he was carefully planning his next move, but the younger god only let out a small scoff "What? I am only stating the truth, Thor Odinson" the grip on Loki's wrists tightened. "Loki, don't-" he was cut again "Oh Son of the Allfather, God of Thunder and King of Asgard. This fool has sinned greatly by defying his majesty and not knowing his place” the bruising grip made his porcelain skin sting in pain, his brain pleaded him to fight back and flee from the source of his discomfort, but he ignored it and continued. “Please, this mere frost giant begs for your mercy, I, Loki of Jotunheim-" Thor kissed him, this took Loki off guard causing him to open his mouth. Thor took advantage of it and introduced his tongue, starting a slow burning dance. When they ran out of breath, they broke away "Loki, please..." Loki couldn’t utter a single word, still stunned by what just happened.
Thor released his grip in one of Loki's wrists and then cupped his face "Loki, you're not Loki of Jotunheim, you're Loki of Asgard" Thor rested his forehead on Loki's one, staring straight in his emerald eyes "You're Loki, God of Mischief and Son of Odin and Frigga, my one and only little brother" Loki didn't like where this was leading to "Brother-" Thor released his other wrist and caressed the raven’s cheeks with his thumbs "Loki, no one is going to judge you again, no one is going to hurt you anymore, if they dare I will chase them down to the depths of every realm".
No, Loki definitely didn't like this "Brother stop-" but Thor didn't listen to him, he didn’t want to stop, he couldn’t. It was now or never "Loki, please, stop running away. I swear I will protect-" Loki shouted "Stop!” he turned to his side “Please, Thor, brother... I beg you... stop-" a choked whimper echoed in the room, Loki covered his face, not wanting Thor to see him fall apart. He couldn’t take it anymore, his walls were crumbling. Two strong arms embraced him "My dear brother, please, look at me" but he didn’t move an inch. Loki was too scared, he knew that the moment he saw his beloved brother’s face, he would leave his pride behind and tell him anything he wanted to know, even his twisted and dark secrets.
The older god didn't mean to make him cry, but he didn’t regret it. It was time for them to fix their tangled bond "Please, believe me when I say you're the most beautiful being in all universe” Thor continued using a soft tone, just like their mother used to do when they cried "Loki, I swear I will protect you from all you're afraid of, no one will be able to lay a hand on you" the only noises you could heard from Loki were softs and little sobs, as stubborn as ever even in this situation.
Thor had no choice but to turn Loki so he was facing him. He gently grabbed both of Loki’s thin arms, they were so delicate and long, he only needed to apply a little more pressure and he could break them - for someone as gorgeous, as bright and strong as his little brother was, he was so small and fragile - but he wasn’t going to do such a barbarian thing, instead he slowly spread them apart, revealing two bright emeralds behind those soft and bony hands.
The dim light in the room and the unshed drops made his eyes shine even more "Brother" Loki's voice was hoarse, the corners of his eyes were red and puffy. Thor only found it endearing and hugged him closer "My Loki, I love you, you're the one and only being I will and would love for the rest of our lives" at these words Loki buried his face in the crook of Thor’s neck, big fat tears rolling down his sharp cheeks.
Thor patiently waited until Loki had calmed down, when he did, he carefully switched the position they were in and sat Loki on his lap. The raven, instead of finding this turn of events unpleasant, he took the opportunity to indulge his whims. He found his brother’s presence comfortable; whenever he was with Thor, he felt safe, he felt accepted, he felt loved. Loki basked in the blonde’s warmth, little hiccups were still leaving his mouth. They didn’t know how much time passed, but none of them dared to break the little bubble they had built.
“I was scared to death” Loki was the first to break the silence, his voice coming out in the form of a whisper “The first time I saw how my hands and arms were turning blue I didn’t know what to do” he looked down at his long and pale fingers “Not to mention when you saw me for the first time” he let out a light-hearted chuckle but soon that small laugh turned into a disgusted grimace “I found out what I was two years before you saw me” Loki closed his hands “Mother was the only one who I told my secret. But given how wise she was, there was no way she and father didn’t know from the beginning”.
He opened his hands and closed them again, slowly repeating the same action again and again. Thor silently observed his brother, old habits die hard he guessed. The blonde knew some of Loki’s old habits, like clenching his hands repeatedly, he used to do that whenever he was feeling anxious or stressed while studying runes “She was the one who taught me how to hide my true form, but as you could imagine, manipulating the seidhr at such a young age is difficult even for the brightest”.
He leaned further on the thunderer’s chest “That day, the only thing I could think of was the endless abyss that separates us. In how different are we, brother” he summoned a dagger and started playing with it “You easily attract people to your side, you always do, you always shine wherever you go” he huffed “No wonder why Mjölnir chose you, there is no one with a heart as kind and pure as you. I really can’t think of anyone worthier than you”.
He firmly held the knife and stared at it, lost in his train of thoughts “I was jealous and distressed. I desperately wanted to become someone worthy of you, someone you could rely on and ask for advice, someone who could bring you peace” Thor occasionally nodded so the other knew he was listening to him or would stroke the younger’s left arm in order to comfort him. But not a single word left his mouth, he held back, he was aware how important it was to be quiet and stay put, after all this may be his last chance to get the truth out of him.
“But I only did the opposite” the cold metal of the dagger mirrored his eyes “Many times I wished I had never been born. I silently prayed for my death to come”. With his spare hand, Loki fisted Thor’s clothes and hid his face into his neck as if he was ashamed of what he was telling “But my cowardice kept me stubbornly alive, so what was the only solution? Run away, leave everything and everyone behind, go somewhere, anywhere where I could forget who I was, what I was…” Thor felt the wetness on his shoulder, Loki was crying again. His heart was aching, screaming and demanding at him to quickly comfort the little god he had in his arms, but he couldn’t. He somehow felt Loki wasn’t done so he couldn’t afford to do something that may startle him.
“Fate sure is cruel, don’t you agree, brother?” Loki sniffled “No matter what I did, our fates always find the way to bring us together” Loki gritted his teeth “I was miserable, whatever I did or wherever I went, there were traces of you. Almost as if I was doomed to be reminded of the failure I will always be” the trickster pointed the dagger to his throat.
Thor broke out in cold sweat “Loki!” he gripped the blade with his bare hand, drawing blood in the process. “I hate you, Thor” Loki whimpered as more tears fell from his eyes “I hate you for how kind you’re to me. I hate you for how much you worry about me. I hate you for making me feel worthy when I am not! But what I despise the most is how foolish I am for believing I can be loved by you” at some point Loki and Thor were holding gazes. Sky-blue revealing the devotion and endless affection he held for the lesser god and emerald ones were burning with hatred and disappointment towards himself.
“Loki, brother-” he lifted his clean hand and cupped Loki’s face “It’s time for you to forgive yourself” a tear fell from the corner of his left eye, the thunderer catching it on his way down and wipping it out from his brother’s creamy skin “I can’t-” a choked cry followed “I can’t, not after all I did” words fought to come out at the same time but nothing more than sobs and broken noises left his mouth.
“Brother, you need to start your healing journey”. He moved the hand on the trickster’s cheek and rested it on his nape, pressing together their foreheads as a result “We need to leave the past where it belongs and move forward” more tears were spilt “I vow to you I will never leave you again. I will be by your side as you will be by mine. Together, we’re invincible, you and I, just us” Loki’s palms covered his face, crying inconsolably. “Thor… brother… my big brother-” Loki called out, still hiding himself. Thor smiled to himself and cradled him into his arms “My dear Loki” he pressed a kiss on his temple and carefully lifted his little brother, guiding them to his bed.
He laid down the fragile sparrow and immediately followed after. Thor threw the blankets over them and hugged Loki “Shh… it’s okay. Now everything is going to be alright… I’m here with you…” The blonde god softly cooed in his ear.
Time went on, neither knew how much time they'd spent sheltered in Thor’s bed, but one thing they were sure of is that none of them wanted to break the spell they fell into. So they silently agreed to keep basking in each other's warmth. Thor was the first to spoke “I’ve been waiting for all these centuries…” Thor’s grip on Loki’s thin frame tightened “My young self was so clumsy, so innocent and so lost…” Thor lowered his voice, afraid of scaring him away.
"As you said before, I sought for mother’s wisdom” He laughed “She told me that the time will come” Loki lifted his head and looked at him, quietly demanding him to continue “But, as you well know, I’m not the kind of guy who just sits backs and waits patiently” the raven subtly nodded, acknowledging what he just said.
“I thought… If I just stay by your side all the time, the moment when you would open up to me would come sooner” Loki rolled his eyes “Only you could came up with that solution” a loud laugh boomed in Thor’s chest “Yeah, I guess I can’t help it, that’s how I am” he looked down and fondly smiled at him but it quickly changed to a sad one “In the end I just put pressure on you, invading your space and not letting you breathe”.
His hand caressed the raven’s locks and started running his fingers through them, at this action Loki shivered into his brother’s touch. Warmth and love spreading like fire all over his slender body “I must say, it was. But at the same time I was grateful, I could have ended up much worse, but thanks to you I didn’t. You were my light, Thor. And you still are”. A pink shade was tainting his sharp cheeks, Thor’s goofy smile returned as these words were said “Loki, I love you” He pressed his lips on Loki’s ones, the kiss lasted a few seconds, enough to take both of them to Valhalla.
As they parted away, Loki’s eyes fluttered open “And please I-” Thor sighed a bit flustered “This is going to sound a bit embarrassing but I really need to tell you that…” Loki frowned, worried for what his brother was about to say “Please… I hope you can accept my love, be my companion and spend the rest of our lives with me” Thor took Loki’s hands on his and brought them closer to his mouth “We’ll share everything equally and rule Asgard together” he planted a kiss on his knuckles.
Loki’s eyes were wide, surprised by what he was saying “You will be my family, my friend and brother; my king and queen, my one and only love…” at this point the God of Thunder was whispering, as if he was telling the God of Mischief a secret only meant to be heard by them “I swear I’ll love you until…”
He lost himself in the sea of green eyes that were staring at him in awe “Until…” and in a low voice that it could only be hear by him, the sorcerer said “Until death do us part…” as Loki said it Thor came to his senses “Until death turns our love into eternity”.
This time it was Loki the one who initiated the kiss, centuries of unspoken love and loneliness were being conveyed, sealing the oath they made with it “I do” murmured into the older god’s lips. A few tears of joy escaped, he couldn’t wish for more. This is where he belonged, not to Asgard, not to Jotunheim, not anywhere; just by Thor’s side. When they ran out of breath, they stared at each other until one of them bursted giggling infecting the other, it was like seeing two kids whose prank was successful.
It was a long journey, that took them centuries to realise what they were missing, but as their mother stated, the time has come. And they couldn't be more grateful that it was.