Disarm • Stark

In all the eleven years Mazzy has been alive, Tony is pretty sure she has never once before been as clingy as she is now. Maybe when she was learning to walk? She would follow him around all day as soon as she could take more than five steps without falling down. But, even then, Tony doesn't think she was this clingy.

Ever since leaving that abandoned Hydra base in Siberia, Mazzy hasn't let go of Tony's hand, arm, shirt, anything. Though she feels a little childish doing it, Mazzy can't help but cling to the back of her dad's shirt, hiding herself behind him, whenever they are around anyone else. Especially around any government agents. Even the ones Mazzy used to like. She can't look any of them in the eyes, terrified that they're suddenly going to remember what she did and take her away.

What Mazzy is surprised to see, though, is that they don't. Sure, she gets glares and whispers, but no one puts her in handcuffs and locks her up in some sort of prison cell. Tony would never allow that, anyway. And maybe Mazzy should have realized that before now, but in a way, she did. She just couldn't believe herself. Couldn't trust him. She sees herself as equal to Bucky Barnes, after all, and Bucky Barnes is who Tony has been after this whole time. So if Bucky belongs in prison, doesn't she, too?

It doesn't make sense. Not logically. But emotionally, sure. Tony Stark stares at his daughter and sees the baby he held in the hospital. And now, he stares at Bucky Barnes and sees the monster that killed his parents.

Either way, though, Bucky is gone. He and Steve left Tony and Mazzy there alone in Siberia. After that, Tony's only priority was bringing Mazzy back home to safety, though Mazzy seemed to think she needed to bring him back home to safety with how beat-up he was.

The Avengers' compound wasn't much of a comforting, warm bed to come home to, though. With Pepper and Tony split, a house to themselves was much too empty, so Tony decided for them to stay at the compound. It was lonely there, too, though. The rest of the Avengers— the ones who fought on Steve's side— were locked up in that prison for a little while, but Steve was quick to break them out. Now they're on the run. Mazzy doesn't think she's going to see them for a very, very long time.

She's been a lot quieter lately. Tony hates it. He likes her chatter much more than the silence. Every time he looks at her, she's either staring blankly at the ground or writing fervently in her journal, which no one is allowed to look at but her. Tony being Tony has already tried taking a peek himself, but Mazzy is smart enough to have seen that coming, so every night, she sleeps with the journal tucked beneath her pillow. Not that she does much sleeping, anyway.

Mazzy's nightmares are persistent. Every night, she has at least one. Sometimes two or three. Sometimes she goes for days without sleeping at all, and when the tiredness is finally weighing her down so much that she can't even stand up on her own, she insists on sleeping in her dad's bed so she can finally feel a little bit more safe.

She reminds Tony a lot of himself after going into that wormhole in 2012. Every time Mazzy wakes up either crying, screaming, or some combination of the two, Tony can't really look her in the eyes, because when he does, he just can't stop thinking about how he knows what she is feeling. Knowing that she is feeling the same things he felt at the end of 2012 kills him.

The anxiety attacks are the worst, though. They were for Tony, and they are for Mazzy. Sometimes Mazzy is convinced that she's drowning, despite not being in water, and she thinks she is going to die. Tony wants to help her, but he is far from a mental health expert himself and Mazzy refuses to go to any kind of doctor, somehow convinced that they're going to be the same as the fake psychologist, Zemo.

That's the thing Mazzy is most terrified of; someone taking advantage of her and using her to hurt someone. She practically never leaves the compound at all. She says she can't be around innocent people until she's fixed.

One good thing, though, is that she's not entirely alone. Mazzy is still trusting enough to be around the people she knows. Rhodey has supplied her with lots of ice cream in the past few months and Pepper has come to visit plenty of times, particularly when Tony is out.

But most surprisingly, Mazzy Stark has made a friend out of Peter Parker. The Weird Spider Guy. He had given her a box of popsicles and an apology note for fighting her and calling her a strange little girl. Mazzy told him she wasn't sorry for calling him a weirdo loser, but she was sorry for calling him an idiot and for saying his suit was ugly.

Out of that blossomed a very nerdy sort of friendship between the two, which Tony sometimes appreciates and other times rolls his eyes at. He's glad Mazzy is hanging out with someone closer to her own age, but he is less glad that Mazzy has suddenly started making pop-culture references constantly. Peter turned Mazzy into a geek.

Still, Tony is happy to see Mazzy happy. Slowly, she is becoming a little more of her smart-mouthed, obnoxious self. Slowly.

✮

In mid-February of 2017, Mazzy and Tony sit in a fancy restaurant. Tony is reading over the menu and Mazzy is looking all around the restaurant, her foot tapping anxiously against the ground over and over again.

"We could just have dinner at home," Mazzy suggests, her looking around coming to a halt as she pauses to look at her dad with unintentionally wide eyes. "Order in. Like, pizza or something. Or PB&J's."

"It's your birthday, Maz. You're not having a peanut butter and jelly for dinner," Tony tells her, still skimming through the menu. Mazzy huffs, her foot tapping speeding up. Tony stretches his leg out beneath the table and presses down on her foot with his own. "Stop tapping, will ya? You're shaking the table."

Mazzy's eyes start darting around the restaurant once again. "There's too many people here, Dad."

Tony puts the menu flat down on the table and raises his eyebrows at his daughter. "You're not being hunted for sport. Are you aware of that?" he asks her.

"I shouldn't be in places like this. It's irresponsible," Mazzy argues, her voice quiet but irritated. Now that she can't tap her foot, she starts drumming her fingers on the table. Tony tries his best not to be annoyed with her. Or sad. Mazzy just can't feel normal anymore. "Anyone here could be like Zemo. And I could hurt somebody. They know it, too. They're probably scared."

"No one's scared of you."

"I am."

"You shouldn't be," Tony snaps, his tone slightly biting. He just wants her to be able to leave the house without feeling like she's somehow a danger to everyone around her. He just wants her to feel normal. That's why he kept the secret for so long in the first place. He sighs, fidgeting with his utensils, and lowers his voice. "I've killed people who didn't deserve it, too, Mazzy. It's part of the gig, alright? We make mistakes. And either way, you didn't have a choice in it."

"You've only killed bad people," Mazzy murmurs unsurely, furrowing her eyebrows.

"I was a weapons manufacturer, Maz. Those weapons weren't just shoved in a closet for later use," Tony scoffs. Mazzy still doesn't seem to get what he's saying, though, so he continues. "Wanda and her brother. You remember why they hated me?" he asks. Mazzy doesn't fully remember, so she shrugs. "My weapons killed their family. Almost killed them."

"It's not the same, Dad," Mazzy argues, her voice shaking just a little bit. "You didn't do it with your bare hands. You didn't have to look them in the eyes before stealing their life away." She can't look at him while saying it, and he can't look at her either. Mazzy grapples with the guilt of having done it and Tony with the guilt of letting it happen.

Tony is almost positive the nightmares are actually memories. Mazzy won't tell him about them, but he sees her scribbling things down in her journal every time she wakes up from a nightmare, and why scribble down the nightmares unless she's afraid she's going to forget them? It's like she is punishing herself by reminding herself. And sometimes she cries out apologies in her sleep. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't wanna. I'm sorry. He's heard it a thousand times.

Examining the expression on Mazzy's face, Tony leans closer to her. "Your mom didn't deserve it," he tells her very quietly, making sure not to let anyone around them hear his voice.

Mazzy's face twitches. "What?"

"Your mom. After I got you to the hospital, when you were still out, I found your mom and I killed her for taking you there." It's a hard thing to say to a child. That you killed someone, let alone their mother, but Mazzy never really knew anything about her mother, anyway. Not since she fell on the ice. That doesn't make it much easier to say the words, though. "I looked her in the eyes and I killed her. She didn't deserve it. And now I have to live with that. But I learned."

"What do you mean she didn't deserve it? You used to- didn't you hate her?" Mazzy asks, her eyebrows pinched together and her eyes glossy.

Tony grabs her tapping hand with his own, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. A softer way to get her to stop the damn tapping without scolding. "Yeah, I hate her. I hate her for what she did. But she didn't choose to do it."

"Like me?"

"More like Nat. She was brainwashed. Doesn't make her evil."

A waitress comes over to the table, a notepad in her hand. "Are you two ready to order?" she asks.

Looking over at Mazzy, Tony sees her head drop down, letting her hair dangle over her face. She starts tapping with her other hand and biting her cheek. Her shoulders move up and down with every breath she takes, getting faster every second the waitress is there.

"Um, we're actually gonna go. This one has a killer headache," Tony suddenly lies, getting up out of his chair. Mazzy's head lifts a little and she peeks up at him around her hair. Tony winks at her and she instantly gets out of her seat, rushing to his side. He wraps an arm around her shoulder. "Gonna take her home, nurse her back to health."

"Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better," the waitress says.

"Yep. Thanks," Tony says quickly before leading Mazzy out to the car, using his arm as a makeshift shield from the small crowd that has gathered outside the restaurant upon the two Starks being there. When they get to the car, Tony pulls the passenger door open and Mazzy slides into the front seat. Tony soon joins her, taking his spot in the driver's seat and speeding off. "Jeez. That place sucked, am I right?" he jokes, trying to lighten the mood.

"Thanks," Mazzy murmurs.

"Well, it's your birthday, isn't it? You choose where we eat."

"You were gonna kill Bucky, weren't you? In Siberia. You were going to kill him."

"Sweetheart-"

"Dad, I don't understand!" Mazzy suddenly snaps, turning to look at her dad. "If you hate him and you want to kill him, then you should want to kill me, too. Because I'm just like him! I know, I know it feels different, but it's not different! I killed just the same way he did, and you want him in prison or dead! I should be in prison or dead!"

"Stop it."

"I'm a murderer, Dad!"

"No, you're not."

"I am! I am a murderer and a monster!"

"Stop it!" Tony shouts. He pulls over onto some side street and presses his face into his hands. Mazzy stays staring at him, tears pooling in her eyes and guilt poisoning her. Tony keeps his eyes shut but speaks nevertheless. "Mazzy, I'm trying to give you a good birthday. And you're not letting me."

"I don't deserve-"

"Stop! Stop. You're- you're temporarily banned from talking, alright?" Tony stammers without really thinking about it. He blows air out the side of his mouth and finally pries his eyes open. He turns to look at Mazzy, and she's still got that usual emptiness to her eyes that tears Tony apart. "You want me to be honest with you. I know. I know you do. And I'm trying, Maz, but you don't understand how hard it is to look at you and see that look on your face, and then to have to tell you the truth anyway."

Mazzy has a thousand things to argue with, but she doesn't say anything. She hates how bad her dad is at talking about things that matter, and if it takes her being completely silent for him to finally let his thoughts out, then she'll take it.

"I don't want Bucky in prison or dead for what he did because he didn't do it. Just like you didn't do the things you act like you did. Yeah, I wanted to kill him that day. I had just watched him murder my mom. Of course, I wanted to kill him," Tony says. His voice is very tense and his words are stumbling out very quickly. If he thinks too much about what he's saying, he may not say anything at all. He figures that, for the first time in a long time, he just needs to be honest with her. "The things you and Barnes did when you were under Hydra's control aren't your responsibility. You didn't mean or want to do them and you don't have to feel guilt for them, but, hell, I guess I know you're gonna, anyway. Point is, Mazzy, it's not your fault."

"Saying something doesn't make it true, Dad. No matter how many times you say it," Mazzy tells him, her voice nothing more than a mutter as she sinks deeper into the passenger seat.

Tony watches as she closes her watery eyes, her face giving a just barely noticeable wince as if the thoughts going through her mind are physically hurting her. "Yeah. Same way you can call yourself a monster a thousand times, but it'll never be true, kid," Tony says, tucking Mazzy's hair behind her ear and letting out a sigh. He bites his cheek, just for a second. "I just want you to stop being so afraid."

Mazzy scoffs at that, but she still doesn't open her eyes, unwilling to let the tears fall. "I have to be. It'd be selfish not to be."

"Mazzy, if you think I'm gonna let something like that happen to you again, you're out of your mind," Tony says very firmly. So firmly that Mazzy almost believes it.

"You can't stop it forever. Someday you're gonna be gone, and whatever's in me is still gonna be there, and someone's gonna take advantage of it. And you won't be there to stop it," Mazzy says. Whether she means Tony will be gone or dead is unclear, but either way, her point stands.

Ever since Tony got Mazzy back from the hands of Hydra, he had been promising himself that if he was careful enough, nothing like that would ever happen to her again and she would never even have to find out. But there is no such thing as being careful enough because she found out and she is hurt because of it.

But it's different this time. Tony is sure of it. He just has to be honest. He can't lie to Mazzy and protect her at the same time. Lying to her keeps her ignorant to the real dangers she will inevitably have to face, and that puts her in harm's way. For a person to be truly safe, they have to know of all the evil things they might have to face, so that they can learn and know how to protect themselves from it.

"It's different this time," Tony says to Mazzy. She shakes her head, but Tony ignores it. "This time, you know the truth and you know you have to protect yourself, too... clearly."

Mazzy lets out the tiniest little laugh at that and the corners of her lips lift.

"It's good to protect yourself and to be careful, but you can't lock yourself away because someday, possibly, maybe something might go wrong."

Finally, Mazzy's eyes open again, and she brings her knees up to rest her head on them. Her head tilts to the side, looking over at her dad. "But how do I be careful otherwise?" she asks him, a look of slight desperation and slight relief on her face. Desperate for truth and relieved to know that there are other options.

"Well, for one, you have technology that can help you out," Tony answers. Friday can tell him the identities of every person nearby, warn him of any potential dangers, and read his vitals to make sure he's okay. He can develop a similar sort of device that caters more toward Mazzy which will keep her safe. "I'll work on something. Necklace? Bracelet? Stylish pair of glasses?"

Mazzy smiles. "I don't know yet," she says with a shrug.

"We can work out the details later," Tony agrees with a nod. He places a hand on her knee, squeezing gently. "I just want you to be able to have a good time, like any other kid. And to be safe doing it. And to stop worrying about what strangers are thinking about you 'cause fuck them."

"Dad!"

"Oh, come on. I can say everything else but the F-word is where you draw the line?"

"It's just weird," Mazzy says through giggles.

Tony's smile grows upon seeing Mazzy's, and the pained feeling he had in his chest before is suddenly gone, or maybe just morphed into a new feeling. A warm, heavy feeling of both love and pride. He hopes that this will stick for once. That Mazzy will stop thinking of herself as a monster and that she'll be herself again. But Tony also knows healing takes time. A hell of a lot of it, too.

Mazzy will have her ups and she'll have her downs, and she'll have her really, really low lows. She'll have weeks where she will lock herself in her bedroom, refusing to come out because she's scared she'll do something terrible, and she'll have weeks where she suddenly changes her mind and begs Tony to let her go to a real school. She'll have weeks where she doesn't care at all what other people think of her, and she'll have weeks where Tony will have to take all of her devices away so that she'll stop reading what everyone is saying about her online.

But no matter how low she gets, Tony already decided years ago that he'll do anything in the world to help her get back up again. He won't give up on her and he won't let her give up on herself.

"Happy birthday, Maz," Tony says, messing up Mazzy's hair.

"Thanks, I guess," Mazzy replies, batting his hand away. "Can we get Burger King?"

"Burger King? Really?"

"Yeah. They have good chicken nuggets."

"I guess. Weirdo."