A smile stretched my face so wide it started to hurt as I sat down on a stage box and looked at the group.
Pav on lights, Margot on sound, Miles on vocals, Gwen on drums, Hobie on guitar and me on bass. We're a good band, albeit beginners in our craft.
But I know I just couldn't get it together tonight.
I apologised immediately after our practice had officially finished and went to leave, but Gwen kept me back, insisting I stay to chat. So I did.
While I'm sitting there, taking in the conversation as much as I can, I feel as though my body has been put into a jar on someone's shelf instead of being here. It's an odd feeling and I can't bring myself to do anything but smile and laugh with the group.
Life's been too much lately. Learning to drive, finishing high school, finding a job, finding a uni course, all while trying to keep myself in this band and in the Society. I feel like I left everything too late and I'm letting life take me along with it instead of leading it myself. Not to mention trying to be "true to myself" like my mum tells me, even though she wouldn't accept it if I tried.
All of that rushes through my head, just one task after the other. What I could've done, what I should be doing, why am I here...
A hand shaking my shoulder gently brings me out of it, flicking my eyes to... Hobie?
He and I barely ever talk, even though we work the closest in the band and share punk ideals. It feels odd to have him look so concerned. With me, of all people.
"You righ', ma'e?" he asks, his accent thick as ever. "Y' look like y've seen a ghost."
I nod sluggishly. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I assure him. "Just thinking."
He creases his brows. "Thinkin' 'bout what?"
Gwen gives me a hard stare, but she looks like she's trying to be empathetic. Miles looks unsure of himself alongside Pavitr and Margot is busy fiddling with some wires a bit further away.
Don't bring the mood down, you sod, I think.
"Just... stuff," I dismiss. "Nothing important, really."
Hobie looks unsure, but doesn't press any further, instead rubbing his thumb on my shoulder briefly before returning it to his pocket. He gives you a glance, swirling with something you can't quite make out.
--
After the band had finally finished talking, they all start to make portals to their own dimensions, as we'd all crashed at Gwen's for the practice this time.
As I open my portal, Hobie approaches me again, putting his hands on both of my shoulders this time.
He sighs. "Look, I know you ain't gonna tell me anythin', 'cause you're that typ'a person, yeah?" he starts. "But know we're here for ya. And if you don' wanna tell 'em all, you're welcome in 138 any time."
I avoid his eyes for a moment, thinking over my possibilities. He seems as though he really does mean it, and because I've seen him with Gwen, I know he won't let someone just go on their own.
"I appreciate it," I finally say. Vague, and a little mean-sounding, but it works for now.
He leans down so he's at my eye level. "You don't have to tell me, bu' I'd still like to know what's goin' through your 'ead," he whispers, talking slower than he usually does.
I make a face and look away again, my chest hurting a little. "I'm just going through a lot right now," I offer, hoping he doesn't push anymore.
He hums in response.
"Hey!" Gwen skips over to us. "You guys alright? Everyone else just left."
Hobie brings himself back up and wraps one of his arms around my shoulders. "Yep, our friend jus' needed a place to crash tonight," he lies, opening a portal to his dimension. "No need t' worry, though, I got 'im. Thanks Gwendy."
He seamlessly guides me into the portal and when we land in his room, I can't help but break. I can't explain why or how, but the portal trip must've taken the last of my energy.
I collapse to my knees as tears start to flood my face and I almost immediately feel a hand on my back, rubbing circles as I cry.
"I thought somethin' was off," he whispers. In a swift motion, he pulls me off the floor and into his arms. "Le' i' out, mate."
I sob seemingly endlessly into his arms and grip into the hug as though he's my only chance of staying attached to Earth. He just sits there under and around me in a protective shield, shushing and reassuring me.
When I finally calm down, he asks, "What's happenin'?" incredibly softly. I can't comprehend any of my feelings, let alone any I might have for him, so I put it aside.
I sniffle a bit. "Everything's changing," I explain. "And it sucks. Because I'm probably going to have to quit the Society to juggle it all and that means quitting the band... and I just can't deal without you guys."
He snickers. "Well, that's an easy fix," he mumbles, something ticking over in his head. "Bu' is there anythin' I can do to help you? Other than tha', I mean."
I give him a confused look and shake my head. "Unless you can stop me from growing up," I laugh, a heavy note of sadness on my breath. "But no one can do that."
He nods solemnly and hugs me tighter for a moment. "I get it, but there's no need to be so stressed about it y'know?" he empathises. "You're Spider-Man, you can get by on wha'ever you need to. And you've got us. The band is always here for you."
I take his words into account, but even being Spider-Man, I need to have a notable enough life that I'm not just Spider-Man. I need to get into uni, figure out how to drive, slave away at a dead-end job, all to keep myself safe.
He seems to understand. "Look, I know it's stressful," he tells me, "but I promise it'll come naturally to you. Just like it did everyone else. You'll find a way, mate."
I smile up at him. "Thank you," I offer, my voice getting quivery again.
Of course, the dam walls break again and I'm left sobbing into his chest on his apartment floor, him caressing my back and cooing at me until I can calm down again. He doesn't leave or complain or tell me to "just get over it", he listens and offers genuine solutions.
Maybe I'm not alone.