And if time decided to move on without them that would be all right. It could be this moment, forever, for as long as they were allowed to keep it.Hours could pass and neither of them would mind. Not now. Not with their bodies lying so close to each other, not with Steve leaning into two strong hands on his back which were trying to hold him together, not with him feeling this warm, rhythmic breath pattern on the skin of his face. Not like this, no. Not when everything seemed calm even if just for a moment. Calm and quiet and still. Safe and cozy and calming. All of those feelings Steve hadn’t felt in weeks came together and lay over him like a weighted blanket, suppressing any anxiety, any harmful thoughts about the past, present or future, keeping him protected from everything.
Well, not everything. It protected Steve from himself, so to speak.
Just for a second he actually felt like Bucky embracing his small frame like this would keep all the pain, all the struggle and concern away. And when that second passed…
Steve whimpered heartbreakingly, his head caught in another dizzy spell although he was lying down, eyes closed and his body somewhat relaxed. Although his fluid intake had already surpassed his goal and although his lungs already ached from the variety of breathing exercises he had been guided through just about a few moments ago.
And then there it was - a strong, veiny hand on his cheek, forcing him to look up and that demanding gaze he felt like he could break apart under if exposed to it for too long. His eyes so stern yet so concerned mustered him thoroughly, the grip on his soft cheek becoming a little tighter, maybe only by accident, maybe to finally get some words out of Steve who just seemed to be about done with the world for today. Instead his throat whined as his vision darkened and his body started to twitch here and there, as if being able to just move away from this numbing feeling. He didn’t want to lose control again. Not now, not ever, Not when Bucky was right next to him,
But the black border was already clinging tightly to his vision, pushing further and further into the foreground, making him feel utterly vulnerable and so completely defenseless he just wanted to cry and scream for it to be over. To pray for a little normality in his life.
“On your back for me, c’mon.” The demand came out a lot more forceful than intended yet he was glad it did because the younger one actually listened to him, squeezing his eyes shut tight but still doing exactly as asked.
Steve for his part just wished for this tight grip to return to his face, a little something to keep him grounded rather than having his legs elevated right now but who was he to complain? Bucky did his very best and God, did he work swiftly if the situation required him to.
And although the person fighting against passing out again didn’t like to think back to it, as he pushed his calves down into the stack of soft pillows which have been guided underneath them, his mind brought him back to the moment Bucky has come home from grocery shopping earlier this morning. A normal morning. A morning that didn’t include anyone fainting or headaches or shortness of breath or Steve being a burden, generally. A normal morning or well, as normal as a morning could be for the both of them. All up until Bucky actually stumbled inside only to grow concerned as the younger one was nowhere to be found and only for his eyes to turn wide and dark, only for his expression to darken and for his voice to turn all exacting again. And everything was back to as it always was, much to Steve’s satisfaction of course. “Can I get you anything else?” Steve almost heard his life mock him.
No, actually not. Getting his boyfriend to panic at around 10 in the morning was about enough, thank you.
But what else had he been supposed to do? The way to their bed or to their couch had both been too long to take on so he went for the safest option and positioned himself diagonally in the door frame of the kitchen, his small feet firmly anchored between the frame and the floor as if he wanted to strike roots. at least that way he wouldn’t tip over if he really fainted now.
Looking back though…Should he have just laid down on the floor?
“I need you to breathe.” Bucky’s voice guided him back into reality, back to the here and now which wasn’t exactly much better, honestly. “Do you think some weight on your chest would help? Maybe to calm you down, like the weighted blanket at night?” Steve filled his lungs with a deep breath. Right, they had originally bought their weighted blanket to help his anxiety at night. To somehow ease his restless legs, to warm up his cold and sweaty hands, to keep his trembling at bay. Much to his surprise the weight had worked wonders, so Steve nodded weakly, the small action alone making him groan again, his body reminding him of how bad it just wanted to shut down right now.
His eyes remained closed as he knew what to expect: Bucky would drape the weighted blanket across his chest, or maybe a heavy pillow and then sit down next to him again.
Or so he thought.
The weak frame on the bed gasped quietly, forcing his eyes open. Even though his vision was nothing but a blurry mess of different colors he could clearly see exactly one thing: Bucky’s head on his heaving chest. Steve whimpered in confusion although he had to admit the weight was nothing but perfect. “Calm down, Steve…” Bucky shifted around some more of the bedsheets, pulling his knees into his broad chest, the position making him seem fragile and vulnerable, a state Steve found himself in most of the time, really. “Your heart’s all right, s’just another one of those damn dizzy spells.” Nodding, he tried to focus on the weight, tried to focus on evening out his breaths, tried to focus on not losing control and not to think about how stupid he must look right now. But who was he to complain? At least lying here like this felt somewhat cozy, although it took a damn lot of effort not to leave Bucky alone right now.
Every once in a while a distressed sound would leave his sealed lips and Bucky would respond by gently pressing his head down some more, making Steve sigh occasionally. Whatever it was that made weight on his chest feel so calming, he was eternally grateful for it as his shaking hand found its way into those soft, black, playful curls, exploring them mindlessly.
“How about a mattress on the floor? And a few pillows?”
“Hmm?” Steve replied weakly, his mind feeling too fragile to keep up with Bucky’s words. Had he missed part of the conversation already? Has he passed out?
“On the floor somewhere near the bathroom and kitchen, I mean. Like a little safe space for you. Or one of those small tents for kids? You could just, y’know, crawl inside when you feel dizzy and wait there for me.” Bucky stated thoughtfully before adding a soft. “Just an idea.”
Steve’s lips twitched, trying to form a little smile.
That did in fact sound a lot more safe and cozy than the doorframe.
So he gave it a little hum of agreement before the clock went on ticking without them again.
It could be this moment, forever.