His legs swing from the roof as he holds on tightly to his note. The one he had been too much of a coward to deliver, one he’ll wish he did, because without it, it seems impossible for anybody to ever understand Miles Morales as much as they’d like to. He opens it, slowly, carefully, as if he could break it with his fingers alone.
He reads through it one more time. Through the goodbye’s, the sorry’s, and immediately shoves it back into his pocket, because Miles doesn’t want them to know what made him give up.
He refuses to let this look like anything more than an accident.
He moves closer to the edge, letting the tips of his sticky fingers hang on by a thread. The ice burns his fingers, more than he’d like it to. It melts under his warm hands and sinks into his suit, Miles shivers, and thinks of a purple and green jacket instead of red. (He doesn’t belong).
The sunflower's melody hums in his blood as it always does and he unsticks.
Miles jumps.
The wind slaps him hard, making him waver in the air. He’s almost too busy trying to steady himself to find it relaxing.
He closes his eyes and tries not to think of tiny hands and red hair, shiny piercings and a hand on his shoulder, the feeling of electricity crackling in his veins and “I see this spark in you, it’s amazing”, A prowler’s mask and “Keep going”, Dyed pink tips of hair and Chai tea, a motorcycle and baby names.
He catches a glimpse of his dad’s mural, side by side with uncle Aaron’s.
Wait, he thinks, Not yet.
His eyes shoot open and he aims his wrist at the nearest building.
But–
“Miles!”
He tries to look in the direction of the voice. But it is too late.
Miles collides with the ground.
__________________
(2 months before Miles Morales jumped off the roof)
It’s pouring. Hard.
He’s almost unrecognizable under all the rain, completely soaked with no light in his eyes. In fact, he thinks his tears might’ve washed it away. Miles wonders how long it’ll take for it to come back.
(He’d have been wrong. Because it never would.)
He pulls at the grass under his fingers as he’s done three times before.
It’s the first time in a month he’s visited his dad at his grave after he’d died at the spot’s hand.
The “Here lies Jefferson Morales” being too unbearable to read that Miles pretends it isn’t in front of his face. Praying for a different outcome every time he looks.
He recalls his dad telling him to come home, to be safe.
He shouldn’t have been Spider-man in the first place.
He tugs at the suit under his clothes, weighing him down, and he’d wish it’d just pull him into the ground, so at least then he could be with his dad. It’s a stupid thought, he thinks.
His eyes wander to the sunflowers around the grave, he wants to rip them out of the ground. How could something so beautiful exist when his dad– the only thing helping bring back the light to this world– be gone? It isn’t fair, he wants to yell at everybody. To anybody who’ll listen.
Miles doesn’t flinch at the hand on his shoulder, almost wishing it’d pierce through his skin and he’d never have to look at the dumb writing on the grave ever again.
“Miles.”
He hesitantly turns around to look at Peter B, standing with Gwen, Hobie– somehow still looking as nonchalant as he always does, but the worriedly scrunched up eyebrows say otherwise, so Miles allows himself to breathe.-- , Pav, Margo (In her physical body and Miles can’t help but think how stupid it was to do this all for him.), Peni, Noir, Porker, Jess and even Miguel.
Miguel who’d gotten the whole spider-society to chase him for trying to save his dad. Miguel who insisted they contained Spot instead of killing him. Miles wishes they did. Miles wanted to kill him. Wants to.
They look at him, with pity, as if it wasn’t half of their faults. He rolls his eyes, and he knows it wasn’t visible because their looks do not change. He fights the urge to do it again.
Pav runs forward to give him a hug and Miles can’t help but take a deep breath. He’s just so tired.
Much to his dismay, Pav pulls away and Jess steps forward. Miguel interrupts her.
“If there’s anything we can do, let us know.”
Miles looks up at him, anger clear in his eyes. But he doesn’t lunge at him, nor does he flip him off. Instead, he stands up, looking deep into Miguel’s eyes, as if waiting for him to falter, to stutter and take it back, because there’s no way he wants to help him now. Now that there’s nothing more to help.
He doesn’t.
“Thank you, tio.” he says, obviously exaggerating. Ten pairs of eyes widen.
He starts making his way away from the grave. Letting small pieces of grass fall from his hands.
“Excuse me tio.” His head slightly bows and he pushes past Miguel, purposely hitting his shoulder.
“Go fuck yourself, tio.”
__________________
Miguel remembers Miles that day. The glint in his eyes. He looked fearless, unstoppable, unbreakable.
Nothing like the boy in front of him now.
“Jeez, Morales…” he says, circling the bed. He looks back at the rest of the spiders outside of the room, either crying or not knowing what’s going on and Miguel sighs.
This kid– the one who defied an entire universe’s worth of spider-people and captured the spot– was going to die?
He can’t–
afterall,
“I never even got to apologize.”
Miguel waits a few seconds, just to see if he’ll wake up.
He doesn’t.
__________________
(A week before Miles Morales jumped off the roof)
Miles stays trapped in his room, as he always does these days, disconnecting from the world.
He thinks of his world’s Peter Parker, and how he’d died because of him, he thinks of his dad, and how he’d ruined the spot’s life. Of Gwen and Miles 42, and it’s not until his hand aches on top of his sketchbook that he’s forced to stare at the piece in front of him.
It’s a mural, like the one of his uncle and his dad, except his face and “Here lies Miles Morales” looks back at him.
“You were a mistake!”
If Miles seriously ruined everything simply by existing then–
“You don’t belong here, you never did.”
It’s then that he makes his decision.
1. It won’t look like anything but an accident.
and 2, nobody he loved was allowed to see it happen. He wouldn’t break them further, he couldn’t.
He would give it a few days, only a few days to the world to convince him, give him one more reason to stay.
If they couldn’t see Miles’ guarded feelings– only behind a small layer of ice– he knew how to shatter.
(Miles makes this decision not knowing if there will ever be something able to put him back together again.
There isn’t.)
__________________
But here’s what Miles didn’t consider in the making of his plans.
There was an infinite amount of universes, all moving according to it’s own rules.
It does not wait for Miles Morales.
It will not listen to Miles Morales.
So when he takes his leap of faith, and decides nobody cares, he misses the one person able to put him back together, even if he screams his name.
“Miles!”
He tries to look in the direction of the voice.
And before he can notice 42, Miles collides with the ground.
__________________
“Look at me!” Spot screamed. Miles saw, but was too upset to really notice.
Now Miles has “look at me!” written across his body as he falls, begging to be understood, just once. But 42 –the only one capable of doing so–, is too upset by all his tragedies to look or listen, just as Miles was.
They are the same.
(They won’t always be.)
__________________
(3 days before Miles Morales jumped off the roof)
It was 4am, when Miles came to 42’s door, jogging in place.
“Let’s go swinging!” he said, as if it was the best idea ever. He was clearly soaked from the rain outside, he didn’t want to get sick on the one night he’s not patrolling.
Regardless, he says yes.
They roam around for about an hour until Miles stops in a field to lay down and let the rain hit their faces.
42 ignores that he can tell Miles is crying, and tricks himself into thinking it’s just the rain.
They have this unspoken agreement where they don’t really talk about anything. They pretend Miles hasn’t been acting weirder than usual and they pretend 42 doesn’t still somewhat blame Miles for his dad’s death.
(They’ll wish they talked about it.)
Miles takes a deep breath, almost forgetting about 42 beside him.
“Sometimes,” he says, something almost quieter than a whisper “sometimes, I don’t feel alive.”
__________________
42 lets out a shaky sigh and leans over the hospital bed to reach Miles’ ear.
“You’re alive” he says, “Stay alive.”
__________________
Ganke steps into HQ for the first time, being led by a literal pig to see Miles.
He’d make a joke if his best friend wasn’t dying.
He has to hold in his puke while looking at Miles’ body. Mostly his head. There’s just so much blood.
“Will he be okay?” he asks, hands on his face.
The nurse smiles, a very sad smile.
“If he wants to pull through it, he will.”
Before Ganke can ask anymore questions, he hears the rustling of paper and pulls it out of Miles’ pocket.
He looks around to make sure he isn’t spotted and opens it.
He doesn’t read through the whole thing before realizing what it was.
the “goodbye’s”, the “sorry’s.”
He buries his head into the crook of Miles' neck, chanting “wake up” because it seems like Miles– the person who might’ve known suffering more than Ganke ever will, does not want to.
“Wake up, Miles.”
__________________
Gwen had seen it before. Many times. In school presentations, in ads while trying to watch her shows, even on posters on the streets.
Gwen knew of suicide, of giving up. She’d seen it first hand.
Peter Parker was Gwen’s first friend. He didn’t get her the way the friends she has now do, but it’s like that when you practically live two lives.
Gwen wishes she could’ve told him, instead of finding out he already knew while it being his last words.
She held him tight and felt nothing but guilt because she was supposed to die, and it always scared her that it would end up that way. So now that she was perched over the only person worth saving, the only person she couldn’t, she doesn’t know which would’ve been worse.
Miles Morales, was– is– the only one brave and open minded enough to see Gwen for all she is, even if she manages to push everyone away.
He’s the only one Gwen Stacy wouldn’t mind taking risks for, even if she’s never shown it.
Gwen thinks Miles is the only one who really knows her, considering how easy he makes saving her look. She thinks they know each other.
She’s corrected real fast when she has to look at his dying face and read through the note Ganke found.
She’s never known Miles Morales. It seems nobody ever did.
She squeezes his hand, because she remembers when she moved away from him on the clock tower.
I love you. She wants to say, but she’s scared it’ll be her last words to him, so she doesn’t.
(She should’ve.
Maybe Miles would’ve said it back if she did. But Gwen is too afraid of losing everything worth keeping, so it’ll take time.
But, the universe didn’t wait for Miles Morales. So it won’t wait for Gwen Stacy either.)
__________________
Hobie Brown destroys.
It’s a known fact.
He’s never been good at helping, hence not being a hero, and he’s never been able to fix things. But he’s tried.
He’s tried to help the kids in his universe get working water and electricity, he’s made toys to keep them busy, he’s helped the homeless, the suffering, all of it.
But other than that, he doesn’t see anything else worth fixing.
Definitely not the spider-society’s corrupt nature. Not at all. In fact, he liked watching Miles start the fire and letting it crash and burn. Just as it should’ve from the beginning.
Miles might be the only thing worth fixing, other than his universe.
So he doesn’t cry when he finds out he’s in the hospital, simply waits for him to wake up. (and Hobie is positive he will, he’s always been good at doing the unimaginable.)
No matter who says otherwise, Miles will wake up.
Hobie will help put him back together.
__________________
(A few seconds before Miles jumped off the roof)
In his last moments, Miles thinks of Uncle Aaron. Specifically the Prowler. He tries to figure out what was going through his brain the moment Miles lifted his mask up, to reveal his identity.
Did he feel bad because he had to kill him? Did he feel bad for being the Prowler in the first place? Would he have killed him if Miles never showed himself?
Doesn’t matter. He thinks, getting closer to the edge.
All Miles knew was that he hesitated. And that’s what got him killed.
Miles wouldn’t be like him.
He’d never hesitate again.
Miles jumps.
__________________
All the spiders and 42 are in the room, looking at Miles.
It’s been a month, and he hasn’t woken up. Some think he’s already dead.
His beating heart says otherwise.
They’ve come to realize that nobody really knows Miles as much as he’d like them to, nobody ever thought to look further than what he’d show.
Mayday crawls over to him and puts his finger in his mouth.
“Mayday!” Peter yells, quickly scrambling to get her off him.
Miles twitches and moves to his side.
Their jaws drop.
Peter puts her back onto his finger.
They hear him groan.
They all look at one another and quickly go to get a closer look.
“Miles!” Gwen starts.
“Get up Peter pan.” Hobie says, still from a distance, but it’s there.
“Miles.”
“Wake up Miles.”
“Get up. Miles. Get up”
He hears a multitude of voices and wants nothing but to shut them up, instead he stirs. What’s going on? he wants to say. But he finds himself unable to speak. He can’t move.
“Miles” he hears. It isn’t in his head. It’s…
He tries to move his finger against the wet sponge on it. What is that.
“Get up.”
Get up?
Miles pushes harder and harder until he finally feels something.
He opens his eyes.
__________________
He clutches his crutches a little harder while he tries to get up the rest of the stairs with his mom and friends behind him.
He can’t completely walk perfectly, even with super healing the nurse insisted he used them even for a week.
Miles falls, and sighs, quick to gather himself to try to push himself up.
“Miles,” His mami says. “Do you need help?”
He looks back at them, all looking at him with pity. No. he wants to say, I’m okay.
But…
It’s a lie. And he’s gone over 3 months trying to maintain it. Miles can’t keep going like this, not after everything.
He extends his arm to reach out for them and with a smile they take it.
Miles can do it alright. Of course he can, he always could.
Just not alone.
“Yeah,” he says, for the first time. “I do.”