The jet landed and the four mutants entered the house. Charles went straight to his dorm room and locket himself there. He took the shot Hank had left him in case the effect of the one he took before the mission faded.
He sat on his chair and grabbed an opened bottle of beer he had left on his desk. All of this, it was too much for him. Too sudden. Everything he’s been trying to avoid for the past years hit him right in the head, or at least, he hit them.
There is a knock on his door. Whoever it is, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t feel like talking to Hank or Logan, and especially to Erik.
Another knock follows. And another, and another. Instead of opening the door, he takes a sip.
"Charles, are you okay?" he could recognize Erik’s voice. 'Fuck' he thought. He could sense a warmth in his tone, but he had learned not to trust that anymore.
"Charles come on, can we talk?" After the fiasco on the jet? no thanks.
Suddenly the door opened by itself. Right, he forgot he could do that. Light from the hallway illuminated the dark room as Erik came in. He took a deep breath when he saw Charles. Surprisingly or not, when he didn’t get an answer to his knocks he thought of the worst.
He considered asking him if he’s okay, or that he was worried, but he knew all these would just make Charles angry again.
"Can we talk?" he repeated
"About what, Erik? I believe we already covered everything back in the jet."
"I mean, we could have if you didn’t storm off and acted like a grounded toddler"
"Or , I’m just saying, if you didn’t almost crash the plane and nearly killed us all"
Erik didn’t answer back. He had learned by now that trying to argue back would not get them anywhere. But he didn’t leave. He sat on Charles’ bed in front of him so that he can face him and decided to start things slow.
"so, what happened?"
"what?"
"what happened, in the last 10 years. I don’t know jack shit. I haven’t talked with an actual person since 1963"
"you think I have?" Charles chuckled annoyed. "Look at me, I’ve barely left the house"
he said as he remembered what had happened.
How, after he started taking his medication for his spine, he stopped going outside. How, after the students were taken and the teachers were recruited in the army, he stopped socializing. How he slowly started losing his mind with the medication, but secretly liked it. He remembered how he looked at photos of his students that are now gone. How he went through the same photo album every night. The album that contained pictures that Raven had took while they were training. Pictures full of people he loved that their faces are now blurred. Pictures of his sister, that has now disappeared. Pictures of him and Erik, that he wished he would forget.
He remembered how he felt pain as he was going through it, but the kind of pain that kept him company.
The thing is, that, after a year or two, this company became more of a fear. He started fearing the ghosts of the people that he couldn’t protect. He started taking more and more of the shots Hank made, hoping that his mind will go completely numb. He started fearing emotions and feelings. He started fearing himself. Every emotion reminded him of them, and the once sweet sense of belonging had now turned into a shadow that he couldn’t escape. He avoided even joy and happiness, because how could he be happy without them?
Erik couldn’t have seen another person either, even if he wanted it more than anything. His mind went back in 1963, right after he was arrested.
He remembered how there was not going to be a trial at all, but his lawyer was believing him, and wasn’t afraid of his mutations. He remembered the lawyer asking if he knew a telepath. How, with a telepath he could prove his innocence. That someone like that was the only person that could show what actually happened.
He also remembers his reply. 'No. No, I do not know someone with that gift.'
He knew that he could never ask something like that from Charles.
No, he wasn’t scared that Charles would say no. He was scared that Charles would say yes, because he knew him and his loving hazard. He knew he would have forgave him immediately and would do anything to prove his innocence. But he felt that he didn’t deserve it.
How could someone with a heart as pure as his, love Erik after all that he had done?
Now that he saw how much hate Charles felt towards him, he felt relieved. Yes he was hurt by that, and it was slowly killing him, but he felt relieved by the fact that it is not fake. That Charles was an actual person, this had actually happened and it wasn’t all just a fever dream.
Erik looked round and noticed how messy the room was. Charles was a perfectionist, he hated mess.
"You stayed here all these years? In this house?"
"Yeah I have, Erik. This place is my home, where else could I have gone?" Charles replied as he took another sip of his beer.
Home. Home. Home. Home was the only word going around in Erik’s mind. Charles had never called this place a home. Erik and Raven were the only people that knew what Charles had gone through, and especially how much this place reminded him of it. Charles had never called it a home. A house, yes. A home, never.
This was the place that Charles started teaching. It is the place where the first students of his stayed, the first class, the first X-men. This is also where they shared their very first kiss, in this very room. Yet, even after all these wonderful experiences, he never called it a home.
Charles seemed different now. Different since When they were together, different since the incident in Cuba, and surprisingly or not he looked different since when he first saw him again, in the pentagon.
He looked broken now. He looked like he wanted to be done with it, to be done with everything. He was a literal mess. A disaster with long hair. A shattered soul. And Erik noticed that. Erik understood everything.
He wanted to talk to him more. He wanted him to open up. He wanted him to let it all out. Scream, yell, attack. He wanted him to get better, because, god, he could not stand him being this way. He felt responsible and it hurt him.
He was going to let Charles take it out on him. He wanted Charles to take it out on him.
Back in the day whenever Erik was mad, angry, sad, Charles was there for him.
Every. goddamn. time. He listened to him, was there for him, gave him advice, eased him mind. Erik loved him for that. Charles used to be the most compassionate, sweet and caring person he had ever met. He was the first person that didn’t use his past to manipulate him. It was so good, it was almost fake.
Now he wanted to do the same for him. He wanted to be there for him. To take all of his pain and crumble it up like a used piece of paper. He was going to apologize, talk, explain and let Charles do the same.
"Charles, what’s going on with you?" he asked eventually
Charles didn’t reply, or looked at him. He was looking outside the halfway opened window.
He didn’t look sad, or hurt. He just looked numb.
"Charles" Erik said again, trying to get his attention.
Charles didn’t move. Not even a bit.
"Charles" Erik said again, this time standing up. He put his hands on the arms of the chair Charles was sitting on. His face was very close to his old friend’s. Charles turned his head surprised by this sudden action. They locked eyes, but instead of saying something, he tried to stand up, making Erik back down. He got up and walk to the trash bin to throw the shitty old beer he was drinking. He just realized how awful it tasted and it must’ve been on his desk for a month now.
He turned around just to see Erik had stood up too and was standing close to him.
For a moment they both froze. You could almost hear their heart beating.
In a split of a second, the both moved towards each other. Charles fell to the wall behind them and Erik fell in front of him. His one hand started stroking Charles’ chin, while the other hugged his hip. Charles’ hands moved from Erik’s chest to his shoulder, throat, neck and hair.
Erik moved him closer, so he could finally kiss him, after all these eternal years of loneliness and madness. In the last second, Charles tried to avoid it.
"Erik don't" he whispered.
He wanted to kiss him more than anything. But he wasn’t going to fall for that again. He wasn’t going to be used, manipulated or walked over again. He didn’t want to be the one to sacrifice everything, no.
Erik stopped. He didn’t kiss him. Their lips were an inch apart. Their noses where touching, and they could hear each others breaths.
"One word Charles" Erik broke the silence. "Only one word is all that I need. Say yes, and I’ll do it. Say yes and I’ll kiss you"
He took a breath before continuing. "say no, and I’ll never bother you again. I’ll leave this room and after everything is over, you’ll never have to hear from me again. We won’t have to talk about this part of our lives, ever. Charles, one word"
Charles didn’t reply immediately. He could feel Erik’s soft breath on his lips. His hand around him. His thumb stroking the small beard he had grown.
"Stay" was the word he chose to say
No one moved. No one leaned forward or backed down.
Erik knew that if he kisses Charles now, he would be committed to stay here. To stop doing what he knew and start from the beginning.
Charles knew that if he kisses Erik now, he would let Erik do whatever he wanted. H knew that if he kissed him Erik would have no commitment, and that means no one could stop him from running away again.
Still, no one moved.
"I can't" Erik eventually said
And that’s when Charles’ world fell apart. He knew that Erik couldn’t stay, he knew. But still, he hoped, and that ruined him even more.
It’s amazing how the only person that can fix your broken heart is the person that shattered it in the first place.
His eyes watered, his heart missed a beat. "why?" he asked
why? Erik didn’t know. Well, he did know, but he wasn’t sure anymore.
He doesn’t feel this like home.
Which is actually pretty ironic.
If you ever ask Erik what home is to him, he would say Charles’ beautiful eyes that had the color of the sky when the clouds finally part after an eternity of rain. He would say the way Charles’ hands used to hold him. The way his lips kissed, the way his heart beats, the way his ears moved when he smiled.
If anyone asked him what brought him comfort, he would say the long, sleepless nights they stayed up playing chess. The times when it was just them, in an empty room. The way they always argued yet found a way to make up. The way they laughed.
But now, it doesn’t feel like a home. Right now, it feels like a cage that prevents him from spreading his wings. That will transform him into an exhibit that will slowly make his wings loose their color. It will turn him into something that he never was and never will.
‘I just cant’ he said, because he knew if he told Charles the truth it will just make him worse.
But they were still an inch apart. Their hands hadn’t moved. They didn’t move away, they kept breathing with their lips almost touching, because deep inside them, even after all that, the wanted each other more than anything. But they weren’t silly teenage boys anymore. Now they were adults, and had to act like ones. They had responsibilities and honor they had to keep.
At that moment Erik let go of him, and Charles did the same.
"I'm sorry" Erik whispered as he turned around walked out of the room and closed the door.
When the light left the room with Erik, Charles fell to the floor. He didn’t cry. He didn’t curse. He wanted to ran after him, grab him by the arm and scream at him, yell at him, attack him, kiss him. He sat there and thought. For the first time in years he used his mind again.
When Erik closed the door, regret filled his mind. He wanted to open the door, run in, grab Charles and kiss him. Tell him that he would sacrifice everything for him. He would change for him. He would cut his wings once and for all. But deep in, he knew he couldn’t. He knew that if he did, he would live with the thought that he had to change for him. That he had to be someone else.
So he left.
And he stayed back.