Gwen Stacy doesn’t think she’ll ever be as scared as she is when she holds Peter Parker in her arms. His green scales disappear to reveal his normal self. Pink-ish skin, and his glasses, the ones she’d picked out for him that he said he’d loved because it was her choice.
She says “don’t leave me” and doesn’t dare to say “I love you”, because he’s leaving her and there’d be no point.
She says “Stay with me” because she’d never thought she’d ever want to say it, but she’s suddenly scared she’ll never get to.
She’s scared she won’t only have to grieve for her best friend but her first love but she’s not sure if the squeezing in her chest is love or his hand reaching out to torture her for this moment. She holds him so tight like she wants them to merge together so he’d never have to leave. He can’t leave.
He says he wanted to be special like her.
She doesn’t feel special.
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The new boy– Miles Morales– holds her hand at the collider, not really, but it’s still contact and it still makes her feel warm.
he says “friends?” and she can’t look away from his hypnotizing hazel eyes when she nods.
And here it is.
Gwen Stacy is a drummer.
She walks onto stage and she bows as they all do, not because she wants to but because the grief and guilt weighs her down and she can’t help but bow her head and accept it. She smashes drums with a beat that makes no sense to anybody but herself.
And they hear harmony and talent yet she bleeds with every hit she gives and takes.
Too blind to see the trail of blood she leaves as she walks off the stage. Not brave enough to try to hold her, but too closed off to ever let them.
And then there’s Miles.
A mix of beautiful colors and harmony and he throws himself at the crowd because they make grabby hands at him and they hold him without realizing. Gwen held him, before she learnt his name and it terrifies her because it makes her think of the one person who thought he could understand.
Miles walks off the stage behind her to clean up the blood she leaves, one that blends into her mix of colors a little too well and she lets him hold her before the words even leave her mouth.
“Friends.”
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“You are under arrest for the murder of Peter Parker-”
“Dad, what? Dad can you just listen to me I-”
Bang.
Spider-people are born from noise and violence. They balance on a string of webs holding the world on their shoulders, doing their best to not crash and burn in fear of hurting other people.
Gwen Stacy stores the world in tiny sticks that she slams over and over again because if not– she’d have to blame herself more than she already does. And it hurts to blame herself.
She says “I don’t know how to fix this.”
but means, “help me.”
A shiny watch is thrown at her.
“Yeah? Well, Join the club.”
____________________________________
“And Miles-” She stops herself before she can say anything else, which spikes curiosity in Hobie. He raises an eyebrow.
“Miles?”
She never really wanted to make friends in spider-society, Peter Parker being the face she sees the most, making it hard to form any real attachments.
But then she meets Hobie. Hobie who’s whole existence is loud. Hobie with shiny piercings, Hobie who calls her his drummer, Hobie who holds her when she cries without knowing what it’s about, Hobie who gives her a place to stay.
Hobie who she desperately clings to, in an attempt to forget about Miles.
It works, for the most part. After all, it’s hard to really know what you’re missing when you haven’t felt it in over a year.
She tries to tell herself the warmth she feels with Hobie is the same as with Miles.
“Miles… is an old friend. A spider-man, I met before I even got a watch.”
She doesn’t elaborate, he doesn’t push either. Just adjusts his guitar, but the curious gaze is still there.
After a while he speaks up.
“You ‘aven’t visited ‘im? Ya seem to like ‘im.” Every word is accompanied by a strum of his guitar, punctuating his words. She tries to focus on the tune to relax.
“I… can't.” And it’s not exactly a lie either. Miguel doesn’t want her to visit him, and she can’t risk getting kicked out.
Not even for Miles.
Hobie already knows this. and he silently curses Miguel with a more aggressive strum for putting Gwen in a situation like this, with only one thought lingering in his mind.
He wants to meet Miles.
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“In every universe, Gwen Stacy falls for spider-man.”
She glances at Miles, who approaches his hand towards hers. It’s a small gesture yet it feels like the sun exploded inside her, a surge of warmth coursing through her body.
When Gwen first joined the spider-society, like anybody else her first priority was to meet another Gwen Stacy.
The need to feel understood, for that familiar buzz of “you’re like me” was one well imprinted in her mind, and she wouldn’t rest until she found one.
Except she never did.
Her curiosity quickly died down when one never came, her attention being directed to the Peter Parker’s that seem to have seen too much and that look at her with something that could mirror the look in her eyes when she held Peter that day.
Gwen knows it’s not the same with Miles. They have different names, different stories. But she knew that if Gwen Stacy didn’t die, someone else would. And she refused to let it be Miles Morales.
“And in every other universe… It doesn’t end well.”
He pulls away from her, but looks at her with someone so heartbreaking yet determined.
“Well, there’s a first time for everything right?”
Maybe there’s just no saving Miles Morales.
Maybe if Gwen was a little more brave, she’d understand there’s no need to save Miles Morales.
But her heart is in pieces on the floor, and her lenses are blurred from her tears that have just never stopped running. Ears plugged with the sound of crashing drums and gunshots.
It’ll take her a while to see Miles Morales for all he is.
Maybe when she does, it’ll be too late.
But it will be worth it.
____________________________________
Miles breaks out of the containment Miguel tried to put him in. Gwen looks over at Hobie, who smirks with an approving look.
It’s then that she realizes it’s only been herself keeping her away from Miles. Not the universe, not Miguel, nobody.
Miguel’s expression changes from shocked to anger and this isn’t right hums in her ears until it becomes a scream– one similar to her spider-sense and she looks around to try to find the easiest way to get to him first to try to shut it up.
Gwen Stacy was a coward. It’s decided the moment Miles snaps her web with something worse than betrayal shining in his glossy eyes.
She would not be the one to save Miles Morales, she realizes, when he smiles at Margo in the go-home machine, ready to save his father.
Gwen Stacy was destined to lose everything she’s ever wanted. Miles– braver, brighter and stronger than her, would be no exception.
She would lose him, just as she’s lost all the others.
But it’s still a terrifying thought, isn’t it?
____________________________________
She stands at the bottom of a building where in every other story, she would not live to see it.
She avoids Miles' gaze at all costs, fiddling with her fingers to seem busy, not ready to meet his eye, the words not having formed on her tongue to say “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes are slowly pulled away from her hands when Miles stands in front of her, a sad smile forming on his face.
Her mind is empty, with nothing but “How could he not hate me” humming a low melody in her head, one that cancels out the sounds of crashing drums and the cacophony usually in her head.
Gwen takes a hesitant step and Miles leans closer, inviting her.
She hesitantly hugs him. Tighter than the first time she saw him. He pats her back and she shakes, hating how small she feels in his arms.
She doesn’t think she deserves this. The warmth. Not at all. But she gives in anyway.
____________________________________
“Do you think you’ll ever forgive me?”
Miles smiles, letting small crinkles invade the edge of his beautiful hazel eyes. Ones that always look so devastated yet content. Tired, but willing.
But maybe that’s something all spider-people have in common.
“Maybe.”
Gwen Stacy, even being spider-woman is a coward.
But she thinks– with Miles standing by her side, she’s a little more brave than she used to be.
____________________________________
They sit at the edge of the Williamsburgs Bank building just as they did before, except this time it’s she who holds him.
He looks out at his city. One that fits him so well and she can’t help but admire how wonderful he looks.
“Miles.” She barely says. Almost making it sound simply like a breath.
He turns his head at her, squeezing her hand a little more than before, a smile crawling up to his already glowing face while staring into her terrifyingly blue eyes. Ones that he seemed to use to drown in every time she was around him.
Maybe he did.
“I love you.”
His eyes widen and everything seems to stop.
Gwen thinks maybe she lost Peter because she couldn’t say those words. Maybe she never got to grieve for a first love, but it would’ve been better because at least she could claim she had one.
Peter never got to know just how much he meant to her, but she will forever love him, no matter how many times she gets to look at Miles and decide there’s nothing that will compare to how she feels around him.
He says “I love you too” and she knows he doesn’t mean it in the same way as her. The hearts in his eyes have long gone and maybe that’s her fault for not seeing Miles for all he was before.
Maybe she’ll never get a second chance, but he holds her, in a way she’s never been held before, and he leans against her just as she did, and she feels like crying but she doesn’t feel sad.
So maybe, that’s okay.