Angst, it's so cruel
Loki is tired. Dead tired. It’s the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix. The tiredness has sunk into his bones, making them triple their weight. Everything costs more effort because of it. He hopes no one will come today, as he doesn’t think he can handle another client.
Skadi enters his room.
‘Still not learned how to knock?’ Loki aims for casual annoyance, but he finds the words lacking venom as he’s too damn tired. Hah. Venom. He supposes this set up is preferable to the endless pain Skadi’s snakes brought on. He shakes himself out of his line of thought. ‘Must be because you need to have a functional brain to learn new things.’
‘Shut yourself up, or I’ll do it.’ Skadi looks pissed. ‘I could sew your mouth shut again, silvertongue.’
‘Couldn’t profit from me that way, could you? You need me with my mouth intact.’ Loki focusses on Skadi’s scowl to refrain from spiraling into panic. He had been terrified when they did it, afraid he’d throw up and choke. He’s careful not to show it, as she would use it to torture him more. Yes, it’s yet another funny notch on his PTSD-guitar.
‘Unfortunately, we do. Imagine that. I wouldn’t get wet around you even if you were the last person to walk the universe.’ Skadi laughs and moves into Loki’s personal space. ‘But these ignorant fools do. Are you thinking about one of them setting you free? Stupid. because you’re bound to me until your true love will show up. We both know you’re uncapable of loving, let alone that someone else will fall for you.’
‘You did, once.’ He keeps his voice steady. Don’t show her weakness.
‘And see where that got me. Stuck on this filthy planet with you.’ She spits the words out. ‘You’re a heartless, selfish asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else.’
Loki closes his eyes, swallowing back his anguish. There had been someone. Someone so pure and untainted and plain good, Loki had bolted off to get as much space between them as possible. He had been as mean as he could, so he wouldn’t be able to defile him with his anger, manipulating mouth and tricks.
‘But seeing you like this…’ Skadi laughs. She pinches his cheek so hard, it bruises. ‘This is revenge. And all the while I’ll keep on making ridiculous amounts of money.’ She cackles. ‘Now, get dressed. They want a woman to suck their dick in a park, so get to work on that scene.’
Loki thinks he should feel repulsed. But he can’t muster the feeling. Everything seems to cost too much energy these days.
Skadi turns her heels and walks out, sticking back her head once: ‘and for fucks sake, try not to change from blond to auburn this time. Someone will find out.’ She slams the door shut.
He knows the drill. The small golden plaque on the door shows what is needed.
Client: man, 52
Fantasy: rape fantasy
Short description: girl walks park after dark and gets it hard
Location: park, after dark
Form: female, blonde, young
Particularities: must struggle, deep throating, can’t hurt client but client can hurt prostitute
Prostitute. The word hits Loki for a sec. A dry laugh wells up. He’s not exactly that, is he? He’s not making any money. Nor is he working from his own free will. Atonement, Odin called it. Loki swallows back a sob when he changes his surroundings into a park. Maybe he’ll keep it that way after, so he can enjoy the illusion of fresh air. Who’s he kidding. He’ll be too worn-out afterwards. Mechanically he transforms into a blonde female form.
‘Welcome at the dungeon of delights. Where your imagination is the only limitation.’ Loki’s rehearsed greeting flows out him automatically. He doesn’t feel anything. When the man enters, Loki dissociates even further.
He used to think of happy things. Clung to the hopeless idea of a rather specific hero coming to safe him. That, or his brother or anyone of those fucking righteous Avengers. But after years (he lost count) even that won’t help him anymore. He’s totally and utterly alone. He watches himself from a distance as the man uses him as he sees fit. He pushes Loki down on his dick hard, disregarding his needs or safety. Loki shrugs. He’s ceased to care what happens to his body long ago.
Even the thought of escaping hasn’t felt comforting for a long time. He’s stuck in his personal prison, his magic only working between its four walls. He’s tried everything to escape. His magic won’t let him hurt the clients or Skadi. The walls are impenetrable. He can’t create portals or pockets. He’s tried starving, killing or maiming himself. Nothing worked. When the man has left, he knows he should clean himself up, conjure a bed, anything. He just can’t bring himself to do anything. He just falls asleep on the tree the man had fucked him against.
He wakes from the chime of the plaque. Fuck. Can’t he get any rest? The feeling of annoyance passes as quickly as it came up. Groggily he stumbles to the plaque. Not obeying means consequences and they’re much worse than fucking another stranger.
Client: man, 23
Fantasy: being together
Short description: domestic fluff
Location: whatever place your employee feels comfortable with
Form: Loki, you know? The God?
Particularities: none, have never done this before, I feel a bit stupid. No sex though.
He reads the plaque over and over. It’s really there: Loki. Someone wants him to be himself. He doesn’t know whether to be hysterical because some fanboy desires him, or relieved he can be himself for once. No sex seems involved either. Sometimes he gets those. He doesn’t know what’s worse. The false feeling of a home he’ll never have.
The plaque is starting to blink, making him know he’s got to hurry. He doesn’t really know what the client wants, so he goes for a cosy living, refraining from a couch too big or a bed, to prevent the client to change his idea of no sex. He’s struck by the consideration the client shows, so he makes an effort. His own form feels safe. Weird, but somehow safe. He’s glad the client doesn’t want to defile it with sex. At least he hopes he doesn’t. You’ll never know with the clients; he’s learned the hard way.
The man enters the room, looking around in amazement. He looks kind, cute in a nerdy way. Like someone who doesn’t belong, someone who is too different from other people to fit in. Just like Loki was once. The man is fidgety, clearly nervous. When his eyes find Loki’s, they widen. ‘Loki!’ The relieved look transfigures into a sad one. ‘I’m sorry. Of course you’re not him. It’s just… You look so much like him, I was thrown off guard for a moment.’
Loki frowns. The man seems sincerely glad to see him. He clears his throat. ‘Welcome at the dungeon of delights. Where your imagination is the only limitation.’
The man looks taken aback again. ‘You… You even sound like him.’ He slowly shakes his head. ‘You must think I’m raving mad.’
Loki raises his eyebrow. The clients don’t ask him for their opinion often. He’d better answer correctly. ‘I- I do not, sir.’
The man smiles sadly. ‘Peter. Please, call me Peter.’
‘Peter.’ The names feels oddly pleasant on his lips. ‘Well, Peter. What can I do for you today?’
Peter hesitates.
‘Don’t worry, Peter. I’ve seen it all, been asked it all.’
‘I… I used to know you. Well, Loki. The appearance you’re wearing now.’
Loki stays quiet, he’s learned that helps people open up. He realizes it’s been a long time since he was actually interested in one of the client’s stories.
‘I lost him, though. I’ve been searching everywhere for him, but nobody seems to know. The Ave- my colleagues tell me I should give up. They’ve helped me search for years. But I can’t. He has been through enough and I can’t bear him being- I’m sorry. I mustn’t bore you with the details. I just… I can’t let him go.’ He shrugs awkwardly. ‘So here I am.’
Loki feels something in his throat constrict. People were searching for him? This young man was searching for him? He mustn’t let him know how much it affects him. He doesn’t know why he was searching for him. Maybe it’s revenge. ‘So here you are.’
‘Yeah.’ Peter looks at him through his eyelashes, insecure, awkward. ‘Figured if I can’t have the real deal, I’d better…’ his voice trails off.
Loki smiles. ‘Want to sit on the couch?’
Peter’s eyes light up. ‘Yeah, please!’ He jumps on the far end of the couch. ‘Let’s play some video games!’
Loki sits too, tapping the seat next to him.
Peter looks hesitant again. ‘I… It would be rude of me to invade your personal space like that.’
‘Oh, Peter. People do much worse here. You’re paying, you’re deciding.’ Loki’s proud he keeps the bitterness out of his voice. What’s with this young man that makes him want to do his best?
‘Oh.’ He moves over to Loki, then his face suddenly contorts, like a horrifying thought came up. ‘But… What do you do when they want something you don’t?’
Loki swallows. ‘I’m not allowed to talk about that.’ Because he isn’t. This fucking punishment made sure he couldn’t. He’s bound to do anything the client wants.
Peter deflates. ‘That’s…’
Loki presses his finger to Peter’s lips. ‘Hush, Peter, and sit. We’re here for you.’
Peter’s eyes bore into Loki’s. ‘Do you have a choice in this?’
‘I can’t reply that. Please, just… I think you are a nice person, Peter. Let me fulfill this fantasy of yours. I promise to let you know whenever I’m not feeling comfortable.’
‘But you can’t. You just told me.’ Peter looks defiantly at him, making his heart swell a tiny bit.
‘I have to do whatever the client want. If you want me to tell you my boundaries, I will.’ He’s not sure if that’s how it works, but he clearly manages to be convincing enough, as Peter inches towards him.
‘Do you promise?’
His earnest look thaws something in Loki’s heart. ‘I promise.’
Peter seems satisfied as he nods. ‘Would you… Uhm…’
‘You can tell me, Peter.’
‘Would you sling your arm around me? Please?’
Loki smiles inwardly. He hasn’t seen a client this considerate for quite some time. Who’s he kidding, he hasn’t seen one ever. Period. He gently slides his arm around Peter, drawing him into a sideway hug. Peter sighs happily. They sit like that for a while.
‘Loki? Do you mind me calling you that? It makes it more real.’
‘I don’t mind at all, Peter.’
‘Okay. Loki, do you want to play Mario Kart with me like we us- are friends?’
The slip of Peter’s tongue confuses Loki. This man, Peter, used to play video games with him? Why doesn’t he have a recollection of that? He only remembers playing video games at Tony Stark’s tower. ‘Sure, Peter.’ He waves his hands and there’s a Switch, television and controllers in front of them.
Peter smiles. ‘I’ll kick your butt, Mr. Loki!’
Mr. Loki? His eyes widen. Fuck. He does know who this young man is. But never, in his whole life, had he imagined him coming to find him. He thought he’d been nasty enough when Spider-Man tried to kiss him. Mean enough to make him stay away forever. He wills his breathing to remain normal.
‘Loki?’ Peter looks inquiringly at him. ‘Your heartrate… Never mind.’
If there was any doubt remaining, it just melted away. Nobody without superhearing would be able to pick up his heartbeat. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
Peter starts up the Switch. ‘Dibs on Yoshi!’
Loki smirks. ‘Like I would ever choose a mundane character like that, with the emotional depth of a Cheerio. No, I’d rather…’ he scrolls through the list and picks Kamek.
Peter looks at him wide-eyed.
‘What? You’d think I’d pick Bowser, just because I’m the mean old massacring Loki?’
Peter swallows. ‘No. I… never mind. Why did you choose that one?’
Loki looks intensely at him. He shouldn’t reveal too much. ‘Well, Loki was adopted, was he not?’
Peter nods.
‘Kamek was adopted by Bowser too. Brought up with his believes and unable to shake himself free of them.’
Peter’s scrutinizing gaze makes him want to hide behind the couch. He did reveal too much. Fuck. Then Peter shrugs. ‘Okay. Last one to finish is a soft-boiled egg.’
They play several rounds, laughing, cheating and teasing through the levels. Loki’s stomach growls. Peter looks at him. ‘Can you eat, here?’
Loki nods. ‘I’m being fed.’ He doesn’t digress on the foul substance he gets every day. Enough to keep him alive, never anything to enjoy or look forward too.
‘Do they allow you the food you like?’
Peter is as perceptive like Loki’s always known Spider-Man is. But he can’t answer the question, so he shrugs non-committedly. It seems enough for Peter, though.
‘I’d like to have some snacks, please. Some hot dogs, please. But the ones from Nathan’s.’
Loki remembers. Remembers them on a mission at Coney Island, running after the Big Bad that was there. Stark got him in the end, boasting and taking full credit like he always does. And why does the thought of that make Loki smile? Spide- Peter told Loki it didn’t matter, because Tony could now handle the paper-work, while they got to enjoy one of New York’s most famous foods. His hands tremble slightly as he conjures two hot dogs. ‘You like yours with extra pickles, right?’
‘Yeah.’ Peter holds his gaze.
They eat in silence and then the fucking plaque begins to flicker, announcing time’s up. Loki can’t help himself, as he tells Peter almost mechanically: ‘Your time is up. Thank you for using the Dungeon’s services. We hope you’ll enjoy our hospitality in the future.’
Peter’s hand strokes Loki’s cheek. He shudders at the featherlight touch. ‘Thank you, Loki. For making me believe.’
‘Anytime, Peter.’ Loki closes his eyes when Peter presses a soft kiss to his forehead.
The plaque starts blinking quicker. ‘You have to leave now, or someone will come and remove you by force. You’d be shunned from our service forever then.’
‘And you’d probably be punished too. I wouldn’t want that.’ Peter takes his cue and gets up. His gaze lingers on Loki when he closes the door. Loki’s legs give way the moment the door is shut. He sags down onto the couch, which still carries warmth. Spider-Man’s. Peter’s. His forehead burns from the kiss. For the first time in ages Loki cries. Long, ugly tears splatter down his cheeks, washing away the reminder of Peter’s touch. He feels so devastatingly lost and alone. That night he cries himself to sleep.
Next morning he wakes from an incredible ruckus. The hallway seems like it’s being demolished. His after-sleep-daze lifts immediately when he hears familiar thwipping and repulsors coming closer. Skadi’s voice is angry. He can’t make out the words. Then the door flies open and Spider-Man, Iron-Man and fucking Captain America himself bustle through it.
Spider-Man rushes over to him. ‘Loki.’ His voice is rough.
‘Pe- Spider-Man?’
Spider-Man hugs him tightly.
‘Brother!’ A very familiar voice booms through the hallway.
‘Thor?’
Thor enters the room too, holding a very angry looking Skadi from her hair. Loki has to hold back a tiny snort when he sees her indignant face.
‘What is this madness!’ Thor sounds disgusted. ‘The Spiderling has told me all about this little scheme. You should be ashamed of yourself!’
Captain America adds: ‘I have to agree with Thor. We have searched for Loki high and low, to find him here. What you did to him- It’s abject. Horrifying.’ He sounds so indignant, Loki is taken aback. He tried to destroy their world several times, even if he wasn’t in the right mind when he did it. So why does Captain America sound this affronted?
Skadi scoffs. ‘That’s our punishment. You mortals shouldn’t interfere.’
Thor drops Skadi. She squeaks when she falls on her butt. ‘I am the new king of Asgard.’
Loki’s eyes widen. When did this happen?
‘And I hereby pardon Loki Laufeyson from all crimes committed. I declare you free to go, brother.’
Loki smiles. ‘You sounded like a proper king, brother.’
Thor scoops him up in a grand hug. ‘I’ve missed you.’
The hug feels good. He had wished for this to happen so many times, but now it’s real… The hug grounds him and tells him it isn’t a figment of his imagination. He breaks out of his thoughts when he hears Skadi laughing. She’s wheezing with it, doubling over.
Stark grabs her wrists and hauls her up. He seems livid. Huh. Another thing to chalk off on the weird-list.
‘Why are you laughing?’ Thor sounds puzzled.
Her smug expression makes Loki’s insides twist.
‘You can’t undo what your father has done, my king.’ She mocks him.
‘What do you mean?’ Thor sounds confused, but Loki gets it immediately.
‘Only your father can undo this.’ She starts laughing again. ‘And look who died.’
Stark’s hand flies up, only to be stopped by Rogers. ‘Don’t, Tony. You’re above this.’
Tony slowly lowers his hand, gritting through his teeth. ‘You’re right. But it would feel so fucking good.’
Spider-Man has been oddly quiet. ‘Loki?’ Loki realizes he hasn’t let go of his hands the entire time. ‘What exactly was this punishment?’
Loki’s voice comes out smaller than he’d like. ‘I’m bound to Skadi to atone for my sins.’
Stark smiles deviously. ‘Well, if we’d kill her, you’re free, right?’ His hand hovers over his arch reactor, clearly ready to turn into Iron-Man the moment he’s needed.
‘No, Starkson. When she is killed, he will perish too.’ Thor looks at Skadi. ‘But Asgard law states there has to be a way to end the punishment. What is it?’
It sends Skadi into another fit. ‘That he finds true love’, Skadi manages to push out between her wheezing laughter.
Loki’s attention is brought back to Spider-Man when he lets go of Loki’s hand. Fuck. That hurts, that even he doesn’t seem to believe in him. He watches as Spider-Man leans back on his heels. His hands go up to his… mask?
Loki’s hands are on Spider-Man’s in an instant. ‘Please, don’t. I know how you guard your ide-‘
‘No identity is as important as saving you.’
And fuck, doesn’t that warm Loki’s heart.
Spider-Man removes his mask in one fluent movement.
‘Peter.’ Loki whispers.
Peter smiles at him. He looks like an angel, with his messed up hair, red cheeks and plumb lips. ‘Loki.’
‘When did you know?’
‘I knew for sure the minute you picked your character.’ Peter smiles softly.
'And you mortals say gaming is bad for you.' Peter grins at that. Loki’s hands move on their own accord as he cups Peter’s cheeks. ‘I’m sorry, Peter.’
Peter keeps looking at him with that soft gaze. ‘I know.’
‘I didn’t-‘
‘Shhhh.’ This time it’s Peter’s finger that presses to Loki’s lips. ‘Another time.’ He closes the distance between them slowly. ‘I really like you, Loki.’
Loki expects to hear affronted gasps, but only Skadi seems to hold her breath. Thor beams, Rogers looks at them affectionately. Huh. His eyes must be deceiving, as he must be imagining seeing the tears that are welling up in Stark’s eyes.
‘Hey. I’m right here.’ Peter’s voice makes Loki focus.
‘So you are.’ He wants to hit his head on the nearest wall with how aloof he sounds.
‘May I kiss you? That always seems to work in fairytales.’
‘I have you know I’m much more attractive than a frog or a dead girl in a glass casket.’ He huffs, bringing a grin to Peter’s face.
‘You haven’t given me permission yet.’ Peter is nose to nose with him.
‘You have my permission to do whatever you want with me.’ Loki answers. ‘Maybe not sew my mouth shut or force me at anything sexual though.’ He adds as an afterthought, trying to sound matter-of-factly. It makes Peter frown.
‘Oh, Loki. I wish I’d found you sooner. I’m so sorry I didn’t.’ His mouth is so close, Loki can feel the words breathe over him.
‘I do very much give you permission to kiss me.’
‘Good.’ Peter’s hand grabs his chin gently. He presses a sweet kiss to Loki’s lips. Fuck. It feels so good. Peter’s lips are soft. He presses back. He doesn’t want to deepen the kiss, wants to cherish the affection. Peter seems to understand, as he pulls Loki into a hug. ‘I love you, Loki.’
And that breaks the remainder of his walls. His head falls onto Peter’s shoulder as he cries. He feels Peter’s arm envelop him, pulling him even closer.
‘It’s okay, love. Let it go. I’m here.’
‘I love you too, Peter.’ He manages to squeak out. And then he feels it. Like shackles on his wrists and ankles are lifted and removed. He feels lighter.
‘Noooo!’ Skadi’s anguish almost makes him look up, but he decides snuggling in Peter’s broad chest is much more important.
Stark laughs heartily. ‘You really thought he couldn’t love, did you? Well, I’ve never met anyone who’s immune to Spider-Man’s charms, so you’ve messed up, Skadi.’
Thor sounds indifferent when he adds: ‘Skadi, I know you executed my father’s punishment, so I can’t punish you for that. Just know there is no place for you in New Asgard.’
‘Thor!’ Skadi sounds pleading.
‘King Odinson for you.’ Thor sounds regally pissed off.
‘King Odinson, sir. I’ve been stuck in this godforsaken place for so long!’
Thor chuckles darkly. ‘You should’ve thought of that before you made my brother go through these horrors, Skadi. He loved you once, you betrayed him twice. My father’s punishment never specified these horrors. They were all your own doing. Think of that when you roam this earth. Alone.’
Loki thinks about popping Skadi in one of his pockets. He’s sure his powers are returning and he could pull it off. But then he thinks about his own personal hell these last years and decides he never, ever could put another being in a hopeless situation like that. Besides, he feels safe and warm and doesn’t want to leave Peter’s embrace. Ever. Peter presses a kiss on top of his hair. For the first time in years Loki thinks there’s a chance he’ll have his own happily ever after. He needs healing, he knows, but he feels hopeful. His life hasn't exactly been a fairy tale, but his own prince Charming just came in and saved his day.