Be kind to yourself - Castiel
Self-loathing was something you knew intimately by this point in your life. Depression was just a fact of life by now and it was a bitter friend. Sometimes it was a phantom, hanging over your shoulder while you cracked jokes with Dean and went running with Sam and researched various lore facts with Castiel. But other days it was like a tight vice around your neck, gripping you tight and dragging you under the water.
Self doubt was a passenger to those bad days. And with it came questions. Did Dean think your laugh was fake? Could Sam tell you were lagging behind? Did Castiel see through your ruse? Was it, in fact, just a ruse? Could they see the real you, behind the mask of lies you wore?
Of course, when the bad days hit, they hit hard. Crashing into you like Sisyphus’ boulder. It was almost like you couldn’t breathe under the weight of the depression and you just wanted to drown it in a gallon of booze.
It just so happened that you were alone at the bunker with Castiel when one of the bad days hit. He’d been planning on going on a hunt himself, but it fell through, and you were stuck playing the happy marionette you typically were when others were around during the bad times.
“What did Sam and Dean say they were hunting again?” You asked Castiel, when the conversation lulled a little too much for your liking.
“A rugaru.” Castiel answered, flipping through a lore book.
“Ah.” You hummed in thought. “And how long will they be gone? Did they say?”
“A couple days.” He glanced up from his book with a frown. “Are you okay?”
“What?” You scowled. “I’m fine. Why?”
“You tend to get uncomfortable with silences when your emotions are not well.” He replied simply.
You laughed awkwardly, though it sounded fake to your own ears. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Castiel regarded you intently and you almost squirmed under the scrutiny. You didn’t want to admit how right he was, so you just coughed and turned back to your own lore book. He was silent for a long while, almost too long, and it was driving you crazy.
“I sense you’re not being entirely honest.” He finally said after the silence almost became deafening.
“I’m fine.” You sighed.
“Do you know how long I’ve known Sam and Dean?” Castiel asked you.
“I– I don’t know. A few years?” You responded, bewildered.
“Long enough to know that when a human says they’re fine, they’re usually not.” Castiel stared you down.
Your ears burned a bit. He saw right through you and you knew it.
“You know, you can talk to me about anything.” He continued.
You sighed again. “I guess it’s just my depression getting to me.” You admitted. “Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to be around you guys. That I’m just dragging you down or not good enough at hunting or… I don’t know. I guess I just feel like a failure.”
“What would you have failed at?” He asked gently. It didn’t sound accusatory in the slightest, but it didn’t help your mood.
“I don’t know. Everything?” You shrugged. You didn’t know how to explain it.
Castiel set his book down, abandoning it in favor of giving you his full attention.
“Is there anything specific making you feel this way or is it just latent feelings built up over time?”
You shrugged again. You weren’t entirely sure how to answer. “Over time, I guess. I’m just such an idiot. I feel like I can’t do anything right.”
“Do you feel that way about me? About Sam? Or Dean?” He tilted his head as he waited for your answer.
“What? Of course not. Why would I?” You looked at him incredulously.
“So why do you treat yourself the way you do?” He folded his arms on the table and you felt his gaze bore into you. “If you wouldn’t treat others the way you treat yourself, then why do it to yourself? Are you punishing yourself for some slight you think you may have done? Or may do in the future?”
Tears pricked at your eyes at his questions. They were hitting home hard.
“I– I don’t know.” You all but whispered, but he continued anyway.
“You’re just as fallible as anyone else and you deserve the same amount of kindness that you lend to others. I wish you could see yourself the way Sam, Dean, and I see you. But until that day, I’ll be here to remind you that you’re a good person and you don’t deserve the mental flagellation you give yourself.”
The tears flowed freely this time and Castiel came over to your side of the table to offer you a hug. Depression wasn’t something you would ever just get over, but with the angel on your side, maybe it wouldn’t be so unbearable anymore.