A mothers knows

Loki, at the end of time, sighed, once more overwhelmed by all the voices seemingly floating all around him in the air.

Sometimes, he managed to shut them out, but most of the time they were so loud that he felt he couldn’t even hear himself think.

One voice was particularly present, one, that he simply couldn’t overhear, because he knew his owner all too well – it was himself.

“TELL ME!”, young Loki shouted, and he remembered this moment in his live vividly – all the memories coming back at once, the feeling of betrayal, the hurt and the fear of being alone, even more alone than before. And although he knew that he’d better not give in to the subtle pull that asked him to watch the events on this timeline, he still did.

What had Mobius said somewhen, when they had seen the loom overload? - “It’s like a car accident – it’s nasty, and you don’t wanna see it, but still, you just can’t look away.”

“And when you’ve seen it, you wish you hadn’t”, he had replied and Mobius had nodded, smiling wearily and sighing. “Exactly.”

Exactly.

And so, Loki closed his eyes and seconds later, a picture appeared in front of his closed eyelids, while he – completely detached from any reality – forgot everything around him.

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Asgard.

They had found a quiet corner in the palace, a little terrace from which one could see the whole of Asgard stretching out in front of them. In fact, one should say that HE had found it, and then she had found him, just like she always did.

“A mother feels when something is off”, Frigga used to tell him whenever he was caught off guard by her noticing when he was unwell.

How cynical these words appeared, now, that he knew she wasn’t his real mother. Not his real mother. Why then… he stopped himself before he could get lost in this treacherous spiral of thoughts again, sighed and looked out into the landscape beneath them.

From up here, it all seemed so little and insignificant, almost minuscule. The little dots wandering around seemingly ants and not their best soldiers. The far-off hills almost disappearing in the morning fog, as if the world would end there, just behind the fog. Pity it didn’t, he thought, sarcastically shaking his head.

Pity that there are still other worlds behind this fog, and one of them is Jotunheim, and that’s where I’m really from.

It was a hot day, though even the warm spring sun couldn’t entirely chase away the stiff breeze that ruffled his hair and tore at his clothes. He was only wearing a casual green tunic this morning, the seams embroidered with golden threads - his colours. His colours? Really? Why then was his skin turning blue, and not green, when his body was exposed to cold?

His whole life, a huge lie.

Just like that, everything he had believed to be true was shattered into a million pieces. And now his father had fallen into some kind of magical sleep, maybe he was dead. No, not his father. The man who had raised him to become a pawn for forming an alliance between Asgard and Jotunheim. His whole life. A lie.

Yes, maybe he was being dramatic. But he had all right to be, hadn’t he? HADN’T HE?

He wanted to scream his rage out, but still, he found himself silently staring into the distance, seemingly oblivious to his mother, who was standing behind him.

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It hurt seeing her son like that. Seeing your child hurt, that was the most horrible thing a mother could experience.

She didn’t want to address him, clearly seeing that he was lost in his thoughts, wanted to give him space to wrap his brain around what he had just been told.

Basically, being that he was adopted. Oh Loki, I’m so sorry. Frigga thought, resisting the urge to just take him into her arms and hold him tight. But she knew if she was to say that, he would just get agitated, angry, and she didn’t want to risk that.

Instead, she thought, maybe it was enough to be there, be near and show him that she still cared about him – how could she not?

But still, he was just staring into the distance and slowly she started doubting that he was even aware she was there. The sun was warming her face and the wind blew loose strands of her hair around – the heat was comfortable for her, but she could see the tiny beads of sweat on Lokis forehead, his alabaster skin seemingly even paler than usual. He didn’t take the heat well, and Frigga was involuntarily reminded of all the times he had passed out due to the heat in his early years, when Thor and him had still been children.

They still were, in some way – still their sons; their children.

“Loki, talk to me, please.” She gently put a hand on his shoulder, and to her relief, he didn’t pull away. But his gaze remained fixed on the landscape below them and he refused to look at her.

“There isn’t much to talk about, is there?” Hurt was lacing his voice, even though she knew he tried to hide it – oh, if he only knew how clearly she felt his pain.

“I am not your son, Odin is not my father, he took me to… to… as a pawn to unite Jotunheim and Asgard. I’m a trophy, nothing more than that.” Now, finally, he turned around to her, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears he struggled to hold back. “That’s why he favoured Thor all these years, that’s why he always liked my bro… Thor better. That’s why I was never enough.”

“You are enough, Loki. You have always been enough.” She wished he could realize how deeply she loved him and how much even Odin cared for him even if he often failed to express it properly. But he must have seen it in her eyes because something in his expression shifted and a tear made its way down his cheek. He wanted to say something else, but suddenly hesitated and staggered, his fingers seeking hold at the balustrade of the balcony. His face had now lost every colour. Frigga knew it was the heat and judging from a quick glance at Loki, he knew it too. “Come on, let’s just go inside, cool you down a little.”

“My real heritage showing.” Loki didn’t even reply to her suggestion, only laughed bitterly. “So it wasn’t just a weak body that always held me back from joining Thor and his friends in their games. I…” He had to close his eyes as he was overcome by sudden dizziness and then, suddenly, everything went black around him.