Missing a piece of myself
The small group of four were back on the road, making their way to Wyoming, but on foot this time. Today was one of those days where Ellie didn’t talk as much, for a lot of different reasons. Today it was because she was thinking of everybody she lost, and how she was setting herself up to get hurt again. First her mother, then Riley, then Tess, then Sam, then Henry, and every single one of those were her fault.
###
Her mind wandered back to that mall, the seconds after killing Riley, trying to decide if she should kill herself. Kill herself and be with the one unlucky girl who chose to stay. Who chose her. Ellies thoughts drifted to that room, being cuffed to a heater. There was a large shard of glass from an old bottle or a cup, Ellie didn't know. All Ellie knew was she could be with Riley if she used it. She could be with Riley if she had just-
#
“You good El?” Emmas voice pulled her from her thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m good.” Ellie replied blandly, looking to the ground. Honestly, Ellie knew she would have confessed or kissed Emma by now, but any courage she was working up disappeared after Sam and Henry. She couldn’t get hurt again. Not right now.
###
Her mind drifted to her time in FEDRA school. How when she was in ‘the hole’, she would want to hurt herself. She would find something small and sharp, feeling around in the dark, and leave tiny cuts starting at her wrist up to her elbow. How when she was released and went back to her dorm Riley would wordlessly clean and bandage her arm. How Riley would pull her into a hug and hold her while Ellie cried, and would whisper comforting words into her ear. How when Riley would come back from ‘the hole’, she never had any cuts, but that didn’t stop Ellie from holding her while she cried.
#
“Ellie, did you hear me? We’re stopping.” Joel said, shaking Ellie out of her head.
“Yeah, sorry. I’m having an off day.” Ellie said, setting up her sleeping bag. She could feel Emma's eyes on her, and knew she would have to make a joke, just to get them off her back. Joel knows about these off days, cause he has them too. She would be better tomorrow, but Emma just couldn’t get that. She had been looking at her like Ellies dog just died of something.
“Hey Emma,” She said getting Emma's attention, “Actually, nevermind, I was gonna tell you a joke about pizza but it’s pretty cheesy.” Ellie said with a shrug, failing to keep a smirk off her lips.
“You asshole! That was a pizza work.” Emma responded, with a laugh.
Ellie snorted, “Dude, that joke was crusty as hell.”
Emma laughed when she finally understood it.
“Have you even had pizza before?” Emma said rolling her eyes.
“Fuck no, have u met FEDRA? What about you?” Ellie replied, crossing her arms.
“Well, no.” Emma said.
“Have none of yall ever had pizza? That shit was the best food on earth.” Joel said, looking at the girls like they had to heads.
Ellie was about to come up with a snarky comeback and then- CRASH
An animal in the woods must have rustled something but it sounded identical to an infected crashing into shelves of merchandise. Ellie was no longer in the woods, she was back in that Mall with Riley, switchblade in hand, fighting for her life. She swung at the infected, once, twice, and Riley called out her name.
“Ellie.”
“Riley?”
“Ellie, your ok, its me.”
Ellie opened her eyes. She was sitting with her knees to her chest and back to a tree. She had tears running down her face, and Joel, kneeling down next to her.
“Joel?” She asked.
“Yep, its me, you ok kid?” He was holding her switchblade, and that made her ask the next question.
“Yeah, I'm… I think I’m ok. Did I try to hurt you?” She asked, concern filling her face.
“Everybodys all good, kid. Let's get some sleep, ok? He asked standing up, offering a hand to help her. She stood up on shaky legs, suddenly very aware of Mac and Emmas presence. They were building a fire, trying very hard to not make eye contact, and Ellie was fine with that. Better to pretend that didn’t just happen. The rest of the night was filled with dull conversation, and soon everybody was good with getting some sleep, but Ellie said she would take the first watch shift, because she knew she wasn't gonna get any rest right now. She sat by the fire, staring at the flames, wondering about her mom. They were good thoughts, like, are our eyes the same color, do we have the same smile, ect. She heard a rustle and watched as Emma came over and sat by her.
“Ellie, I’m gonna be honest, what happened really scared me.” Was all she said. For some reason this comforted Ellie, Emma cared.
“I’m sorry, it was just an off day. I get them sometimes. It happens like once a month, it’s no big deal.” Ellie said, trying to change conversations. They heard Mac and Joel snoring.
“Ellie, I really care about you.” Emma said, scooting a little closer.
“I really care about you too Em.” Ellie said, her face heating up at their closeness. She felt bad all day, but right now, she feels good.
“Ellie, I think I like you. Like, like like you.” Emma said, cupping Ellies face. She moved her face closer to Ellies, inches apart. Emma's breathe tickled Ellie face.
“Can I?” Ellie said, moving a bit closer.
“Yea.” Emma closed the distance, lips crashing together. Emma pulled away and smiled.
“I’ve been wanting to tell you for a while now.” Emma said.
“Me too.” Ellie said, her eyes feeling heavy. She felt at peace, and now, tired.