Greif and Pain
It had been two weeks. Two weeks since he had walked out the door for the last time. He had promised her he would come home. Promised he would be back in time for Christmas. Four days max was the plan. It should have been plenty of time for the mission. He had done more in less time. And then he would be home, they would celebrate together. Open gifts, see the others, eat a nice dinner, cuddle up to a Hallmark movie and fall asleep, just like they had planned. He promised.
Until a well placed bullet took down the infamous Winter Soldier.
Step one - Denial
She'd been a crumpled up mess ever since. She refused to believe it, a single bullet wasn't enough. He hadn't survived years in Russia being put on ice and taken off whenever he was needed just for a single bullet to take him out. He had gone on far riskier missions and return untouched. He had spent weeks at a time living off the grid. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't.
Every moment was pain and torture. Dozens of pictures lay scattered across the floor. She couldn't bare to look at them anymore. Christmas presents sat under the tree unopened. Gifts from him she couldn't bare to touch, knowing that wrapping them had been one of his last actions. Gifts to him she dreaded knowing he would never open. That stupid pancake grill he had reminded her of day after day. A new set of knives, perfectly weighted for him. A new coat after his last one had caught fire in Paris.
She hadn't eaten a proper meal in days. A piece of toast or a bowl of cereal here and there was all she could handle. The milk had long since gone bad, and the bread was running low. She would have to leave eventually but she wouldn't do that until she had no choice. She'd locked herself in. Ignored every phone call and message. She had ignored the knocks at the door. There was no reason to answer them. It was just people trying to make her feel better. But they couldn't bring him back. They couldn't change the past or fix anything. He was gone and she was alone. Everyone said it would get better, become easier. But she couldn't understand how that would possibly happen.
She had lost him before. When the Red Room discovered the secret between them and they took him away. She could still see that moment when they burst into his room and tore her away from him. She could remember Alexei telling her they had reset the soldier and he would be reassigned. Reminded his 'daughter' that she needed to obey or she would become just like him. Even if she managed to find him he wouldn't remember her. But they left the memories for her. Left them as a punishment and a reminder of what happened when she disobeyed them. In that moment she thought he'd be gone forever, but fate had brought him back. Only to rip him away from her again. And this time for good. She had seen his body. Wept over his cold lifeless form.
Step Two - Anger
The bullet had hit him in the forehead. An immediate kill. James would have felt no pain. At least she could take solace in that. But she felt so much pain. She had taken her fair share of hits in her life, but none of them compared to the pain she felt now. A deep gut wrenching pain. One that even if she healed would still bring numb feelings.
Everywhere she turned there were reminders of him. His shoes left next to the door. His favorite mug sitting next to the sink. That awful pancake mix he loved so much sitting on the counter. She hadn't dare go into their room. There were far too many memories waiting for her in there. Memories she knew she couldn't face now. She had slept on the couch since the news came, curled up under his favorite blanket. The blanket was beginning to loose the scent of his after shave, smelling more and more like herself, but it was his favorite. The one he always chose on a cold night, right before he'd pull her closer to him and wrap his arms around her while they watched some dumb Netflix movie.
The couch was where she sat now, with her head on the arm rest. She simply stared at wall blinking back tears. The lights were off, leaving the room dark aside from the stupid tree. He had set it on a timer and she couldn't get herself to stand up ad turn it off. It was one of the last things he had done before leaving. She was always forgetting to plug the tree in and he had wanted her to have some Christmas cheer while he was gone. Now it provide enough light for her to see the living room and not much else. The lights shined off the broken frames surrounding the bottom of the tree.
She couldn't stand to see the pictures of him, laughing, smiling, kisses. Any of it. She ripped them off the walls, thrown them across the room. She'd thrown a knife into the wedding planner. She had wanted to tear it to shreds. But it was too much effort. Easier to just throw it away.
The fist couple days she had stepped into their gym, she'd fought with a punching bag. For the first time since she could remember she had lost to a punching bag. That was the last time she had left her living room aside from using the rest room.
Step Three - Bargaining
She had begged what ever God was out there to hear her cries and bring him back. Offered to give them her life in exchange. But they didn't listen. They didn't care. Or maybe her life wasn't worth as much. James had been a good man forced to do terrible things. She had been a terrible person trying to fix what she had done.
She had promised the others she was fine. They had stopped by one by one after she ignored their phone calls but she didn't open the door. Just said she was fine and asked them to leave. They left food and flowers. She ignored them.
Step Four - Depression
She thought she had heard a knock at the door but it didn't matter. She ignored it and closed her eyes trying to forget about everything. She pulled the blanket up over her head and curled up tighter on the couch.
"Nat?" Steve stood in her doorway holding a take out bag and flowers. "Bucky, he uh, he gave me a key before-"
"Please leave." She muttered trying to hold back tears. She knew Steve was hurting to. James had been his best friend for over 90 years. They had been through so much together. She just wanted to be alone. She never wanted to leave again. She didn't care anymore. He was a reminder of who James had been, who he was trying to be. She didn't want to see him.
"You know I'm not going to do that." He set the bouquet of flowers and bag of food down and moved to grab a set of plates and cups as he turned on the kitchen light. "You need to eat Nat."
"I'm not hungry."
Ignoring her he opened one of the boxes and poured the orange chicken onto a plate followed by chow mien and steamed vegetables. "Five bites is all I'm asking. I promised him I would take care of you Nat. I am not going to break that promise now."
"Go away. I don't need someone taking care of me. What I need is him not some stand in!" She bit down on her lips and pulled the blanket around her tighter.
Steve walked towards the couch and sat beside her. "I'm sorry Natasha. I am. I wish I could change it, I do. But I can't. I miss him too."
The pain was evident in his voice, but she didn't have the energy to try to comfort him. She couldn't even comfort herself. She had no idea how he could possibly have the strength to comfort her.
He place a hand on her back and and sighed "The funeral is tomorrow. You need to be there. Pepper and Laura took care of everything. It will be simple, just like he wanted. That old church down in Brooklyn. The one where you were going to get mar- " Steve stopped himself but it was too late. She knew what he was going to say. The church where they had planned to be married. Just over a month away, but that would never happen now. Her dress would never be used. The deposits lost. Invitations would be trashed before the date even came.
"We need you to come. Natasha, He needs you to come. He deserves that."
"I can't Steve..." she shook her heard the tears finally breaking through. "I can't do it. I can't even go in my own bedroom. I can't shower... I can't go. It's too soon. I just can't. Every time I think about it, all I can think is it isn't possible. He was the Winter Soldier. He knew what he was doing, he hid in the shadows for decades. Why now? Now when we are finally happy?"
Steve wrapped his arms around her pulling her into his arms. "I know. I'm sorry."
He stroked her hair letting her cry in his arms. "Natasha..."
"Steve please..." she whimpered. "I can't say goodbye to him. I already lost him once. Loosing him again, it's so much worse this time... I love him, and saying goodbye - it..."
"It makes it permanent." Steve muttered softly. His hands stopped moving as the truth of the words hit both of them. The moment they said goodbye that would be the end. James wouldn't walk the halls of Avengers Tower, he wouldn't even walk the halls of the home they had worked so hard to save for. Saying goodbye made all of that permanent.
She nodded curling up tighter, hot tears streamed down her face. Honestly it was surprising she still had any more tears left. He tightened his grip around her and sat with her until she fell asleep. When she did he lifted her and placed her back on the couch, knowing she wouldn't be happy to wake up in her room alone. He tucked the blanket in around her before heading towards the kitchen. He put the food in Tupperware and placed it in the fridge before leaving a note on a piece of paper and using a magnet to put it on the fridge.
'We all hope to see you tomorrow, but understand if you can't.
We love you Nat. We are here for you.
-Steve'
Step Five - Acceptance
She woke to sun streaming in through the blinds. The tree lights had long since shut off. Steve must have turned off the kitchen light when he left the night before. She glanced to check the clock on the stove. 6:17, the funeral would be starting at 8. For a moment she just sat. The pain washed over her dragging her further into her pit of darkness. Wrapping the blanket around her she stood to grab a cup of orange juice.
She saw Steve's note hanging on fridge and bit her lips. He was right. She needed to be there. She had to go. If she didn't she would regret it for the rest of her life.
She turned to look toward the hallway on the opposite side of the living room. The hallway she hadn't crossed since she got the news. Slowly she took shaky steps towards it. She gripped the edges of the blanket tighter as she reached the door to the room they had once shared. She turned the knob and stared into the empty space. The bed sat unmade. James' hamper sat near his nightstand filled with the clothes he had worn the week before he left. His favorite shirt was sitting on top. The closet sat open, his to go bag still missing.
She hadn't gone to gather his belongings. She didn't want to picture those last moments of him packing up and giving her a quick kiss. Those last moments of her begging him to stay, to ask them to send some one else this time. And his laugh as he promised he'd be home soon. That it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. But he had been wrong. He hadn't been able to handle it and he didn't come home.
She shook her head and moved towards the closet. She pushed away her shirts and jackets until found the dark dress she was looking for. James had picked it out for her, the night he asked her to marry him. He said it always made him happy to see her in it. She pulled it out and reached for a pair of black boots. She set both on the bed along with the blanket. Pulling her hair out of the messy braid she headed towards the bathroom to take a shower.
She stood in the bathroom staring at her surroundings. His shampoo and body wash sat on the shelf of the shower. His towel on the rod. A razor and toothbrush on the counter next to his sink. Everywhere she turned he was there. There was no escaping him. She shuddered feeling like she was on the brink of crying again. She decided a fast shower would be best. She kept her eyes closed for as much of it as she could.
Stepping out she wrapped her hair in a towel and grabbed the dress off the bed. She struggled with the zipper trying to get it all the way up on her own. She couldn't ask him for help anymore. After getting it up she pulled towel off her curls and grabbed her hair dryer and makeup. She couldn't be in this room anymore. There was too much. She grabbed the boots and blanket on her way out and dropped them outside the guest the bathroom where she finished getting ready.
Natasha walked into the chapel her coat tied around her waist tightly. She kept her eyes down and hands shoved deep into the pockets of her coat as she made her way to the front, avoiding eye contact from those around her. She heard the whispers as she passed. People whispering how terrible it must be to loose a finance, how sad it was to loose a hero and a friend, the terrible way he went, so many things. Everyone of them swarming in her mind as she fought to keep the tears away. And then there were the theories. Those hurt the most. Saying he had gone back to Hyrda, or the KGB. That all of this had just been a mission and it was over now. Not her James. They didn't know him like she did. Know the torture he had gone through, both while being there and after leaving. He would never have gone back. Even he couldn't keep an act that good up for this long. He was created for quick missions. Not undercover work.
There were more people than he had anticipated. James had always felt no one would show up. Not after news broke who the Winter Soldier was. He had watched news broadcasts of his memories being torn down, graffitied, and disgraced. He had told her he understood why. He would have done the same. But she knew it hurt him. Those memorials were the last reminder of who Bucky Barnes had been. She wished he could see the support now, not just from the Avengers and S.H.E.I.L.D., but from the community. Hundreds had shown despite the chapel being small and uncomfortable with that many crammed inside.
She took her seat and crossed her arms in front of her chest digging her teeth into her lips. He eyes remained on the floor as the music played. She felt the tall blonde sit beside her and wrap her in a hug. "I'm glad you came Natasha."
Steve's voice was calm but when she looked up she could see the pain in his eyes. She wrapped her arms around his waist and let the tears flow. "He's really gone isn't he?"
Steve didn't speak. Just gave her a soft nod and tightened the hug.
The chapel filled in quickly. The music from the organ softly welcoming them in. She sat silently in Steve's arms until the services began.
They had opted for a closed casket. The bullet wound had been too hard to hide. Natasha was grateful the choice had been made for her. She wasn't sure she would have lasted if it was an open casket. But part of her longed to see his face one last time before saying goodbye, but the other knew if she did she would break into a thousand pieces. Seeing him on the autopsy table had been enough to do that. Now wearing his best suit, there was no way she would survive that. His wedding suit most likely. He had kept it at Steve's house claiming it was just as important that she not see his suit as him not seeing her dress. Foolish really. But that was who he was. He wanted the day to be special down to the last detail. They were finally supposed to be happy. They had escaped and fate had brought them back together. Now she would have to figure out how to be happy with out him again.
She stood with the others next to the grave site as the lowered the dark casket into the ground. She stepped forward and whispered softly "Goodbye moya lyubov'. (my love)" she stepped back turning into Steve's arms as the others stepped foreword to pay their respects to their fallen comrade and friend.
"Just for now Natalia." James muttered as he turned away from the services and walked away.