my kind of woman
--------------------------------------------
It’s lunchtime now, and lord knows I’m famished. Sitting down with Ned at the table, I pulled out my sandwich, I had swung by Delmar’s Deli to pick it up this morning. It’s nice to see the deli up and running again, especially after how guilty I felt for it getting lasered in half by those bank robbers a few months ago. Mr. Stark had offered to pay for the damages, and I felt bad taking his money, but it wasn’t for me, it was for Mr. Delmar.
“Where’s y/n?” MJ asked. She always noticed these things. I was curious too, y/n seemed off this morning, but I didn’t really know how to ask how she felt. Ever since I told her about my other life, she’s been getting distant, showing up to lunch late, talking less, and I’m scared that she’s going to leave me for someone else, someone who can give her a normal life. It must be hard for her to keep my secret, and sometimes I wonder if I should just give up the whole thing. I would throw out the mask for her, in an instant, if she asked me to.
Noticing that I was staring off into space, Ned gave me a little nudge.
“Where do you go to Peter? I swear half the time, you’re not even on earth!”
“Oh, I was just thinking about y/n. Do you think I should text and ask where she is?”
As if on cue, y/n walked in, making her way through the crowd. Her hair gently bounced with each step, and her eyes glimmered. But they weren’t looking at me, or Ned, or even MJ. Her eyes seemed glued to the floor, like she was scared to look up at the world. Her legs did a little shuffle, and her hands gripped onto her backpack’s straps like she was trying to become smaller and smaller, trying not to take up any space in the room. Her shoulders slouched a bit forwards, carrying the weight of her backpack.
“Don’t stare, some people think that’s creepy,” MJ was leaning towards me from across the table but staring at y/n as well.
By the time I snapped out of it, y/n had taken her seat at the table next to me, giving me a sort of weak smile.
“Hey! Haven’t seen you guys in ages!”
“I was starting to miss you!” I gave her a hug, and we both held on like we never wanted to let go. Could she see through me? Were we both thinking the same thing? Is that why she seems so… off?
“Ok, ok, get a room, you freaks,” Ned was making the jokes now, and he pulled out his computer to show me his new idea for a patrol route. Ever since I let him be my guy in the chair, we’ve gotten closer in a way I never thought we could.
We spent the whole lunch doing the usual stuff. Ned and I geeked out about spidey things, occasionally using hushed tones so no one would hear. MJ ate her lunch quietly with a book, she usually only sat with us to enjoy our presence (I think). Y/n doesn’t really have a “usual”. These days, she hardly shows up to lunch anymore, saying she has to do some stuff for school. She’s an academic weapon, I’ll hand her that. When she does show up, she just takes a nap, resting her head on the table or leaning on me. Today, she was nibbling on an apple, holding it like it was a grenade. After a bit, the air got kind of awkward, and we could all tell y/n was acting strange. MJ looked at me and tilted her head towards y/n, urging me to ask.
“How’s your day been so far?”
Her head snapped towards me as if she was scared, a look I hadn’t seen on her face in a while. “It’s been… fine.”
“oh, ok, that’s good to hear.”
Now both MJ and Ned were glaring at me, as if to tell me it wasn’t enough.
“Is everything okay? You seem a bit tired,”
“No, no, everything’s good, I probably just stayed up too late for that English paper we have.” She offered another smile, putting more effort into faking this one.
“Is that all you’re gonna have to eat? Aren’t you hungry?”
She looked down at her apple and then back up at me. “nuh uh, I had a huge breakfast, and, um, a snack in biotech class.” Then, as if she simply ran out of words to say, she said, “I should probably go, I have to r-return a book to the school library.”
With that, she shuffled off the same way as before, and I would have offered to walk with her, but something told me she would have turned me down anyways.
Sometimes when I’m with her, it feels like she’s not there with me, like the room’s empty and I’m just hallucinating her presence. I haven’t felt this lonely since Aunt May died, and it took Ned and Mr. Stark months to pull me out of my trance. That’s why it’s so hard to know what’s real or not, because I don’t know, maybe this is how normal relationships are. I just don’t remember it always being like this. I miss her old smile, I know it’s in there somewhere. And I miss hearing her talk, she could make me laugh for hours with her stories. People always say I talk too much, but I never felt like that with her, she would match my energy, never letting me feel like I was extra. Now, it feels like I’m talking to a wall.
By the time I turned back to the table, MJ and Ned had already gone back to what they were doing as if nothing had happened. Was this all in my head?
--------------------------
After lunch, Ned and I parted ways, and MJ walked with me to our next class. Usually, y/n would join us, but she had disappeared ages ago.
Once we were halfway down the hallway, MJ pulled me to the side, which was unusual since she usually just enjoyed our silent walks.
“Somethings not right with her.”
“With who? Y/n?”
“Well obviously I’m talking about y/n. Why did she look so pale today? And half an apple? And the library during her lunch break?”
It took me a while to process what MJ was saying, that maybe I should be concerned. It filled me with dread to think that it wasn’t all in my head.
“Well, um, uh, she did say she had a snack in biotech…”
“that’s an obvious lie, they did a lab today, you’re not allowed to eat during those.” Of course, MJ was always the observant one. “You need to talk to her, Peter, she needs you.”
This was it. Peter never thought he’d say the words, much less to MJ, but he needed to get it off his chest. “I think she wants to break up with me.”
“What? Why?”
“Well because I told her I’m spider-man, and she’s been weird since, and maybe she went off to eat lunch with some other friends because she’s scared of me, she won’t even let me swing her to school because she’s scared of my weird spider abilities, and of course she just wants something normal, which I can’t give her, and it’s been months and she won’t talk to me, and what if she wishes she never wasted her time on me in the first place, I don’t know what to do without her, I remember we used to hang out at my old apartment eating pizza, but ever since I moved into the avengers compound she hasn’t even come by once, what if she thinks im weird for living with a bunch of lunchbox action-figurine killer superheroes, what if she thinks im going to accidentally hurt her with my powers and-“
Tears were welling up in my eyes, giving MJ her cue to cut me off.
“God, you talk so damn much, do you have an enhanced lung capacity too? What other friends could she possibly be having lunch with? And it’s not about spider-man, not everything is about spider-man. Now be strong, because she needs you to be.” Without waiting for a response, MJ turned on her heel and left, leaving me speechless.
---------------------------
As the last few classes of the day went by, all I could think about was y/n. I was always an overthinker, but god, what if I’m not thinking about this enough? My thoughts kept rambling on and on, refusing to let me focus in class.
Was y/n actually upset at me for being spiderman? Or what if she was afraid of me? Is that why she seemed so scared at lunch?
When I say that I would give up the spidey persona for her, I mean it.
But what if I shouldn’t feel that way? What if MJ’s right, and it’s bigger than this? Am I being selfish? Why am I so willing to leave Queens at the hands of criminals, for a girl? Am I just being girl crazy?
…
But y/n’s not just any girl.
I think I might… more than like her. I think I might love her.
And I think maybe she doesn’t feel the same.