A friend, a new friend
We had drinks, one time
I’ve been lonely. It was nice to have someone to talk to
I’ve been lonely
Being back in here is still so painful
I wasn’t the person you run to, I was the person you run from
The pain I'm causing her is indescribable. I can't keep doing this to her. It's killing me to see her suffer because of me. (Perhaps I deserve this pain seeping inside of me, tearing me apart…bit by bit.) I have to put an end to this cycle of hurting her. The weight of knowing that my actions are the cause of her suffering is almost too much to handle.
It's quite amusing, to be honest... I made a conscious effort to avoid getting too attached to anyone. Maintaining a safe distance from people was the only way that I knew how to survive. I constructed a barrier so sturdy that it was impenetrable. I was determined to keep that wall standing and would fortify it whenever necessary.
I was aware of my brokenness. It wasn't a source of shame for me, but rather a part of my identity that I embraced. By accepting my brokenness, I also came to terms with the reality that I was better off being alone.
Whenever the idea of pursuing a romantic relationship crossed my mind, I would immediately shut it down it before it could fully materialize. Anyone that I was with was never serious…I never saw a future with them.
The idea of committing was unsettling to me. It meant opening up my life, my emotions, and my personal space to someone else. I couldn't fathom the thought of feeling too much and being consumed by those emotions. I dreaded the idea of being consumed by feelings that would only serve as distractions. “Eyes forward” was how I lived my life. I could not afford any distractions.
The comfort of darkness was soothing to me. It kept me grounded in a way. It was a place where I could be alone with my thoughts and have complete control over everything around me. It provided me with more comfort than the warmth of another warm body.
But then Carina walked into my life. She turned my dark world into something that resembled grey, but the longer she stayed, my world started showing different colors that weren't so dull and filled with pain and loneliness. The thoughts of clouds started to dissipate, and I could see a glimmer of light through the barrier I had built. It was as if she had sensed my despair and knew that her presence was all I needed to break free from the pit of misery that had consumed me. Her radiance, her light became my salvation, my purpose.
You would think my first instinct would be to run to the nearest location that let the light in so I could shut those curtains, but with her, there was no desire to extinguish her light.
Putting out her light would mean robbing her of it, and that could not happen. She was the first person with whom I felt compelled to be selfless. All I cared about was the brightness that surrounded her being.
But then she confronted me with something that made me spiral. I still hate myself for hurting her like that, cheating on her. The trust and bond that she and I were building fell into the pit of hell because of me.
It was the first time I showed Carina how truly fucked up I am. The pain in her eyes caused by me will always haunt me.
Subsequently, I finally snapped out of my self-absorbed state and made a firm commitment to do everything within my ability to ensure that her radiance never fades, even among my own struggles. I went from welcoming the darkness, embracing the pain, erecting barriers, to having a person that would hold my hand and help me navigate the hardships together. Little did she know, she got me to the other side. The clouds were a distant memory.
When her brother was killed, I made sure to be the person she needed. I stood by her side and fought the battles she couldn't. Did and prepared all the things she couldn’t bring herself to do. It may sound messed up, but it felt amazing to be there for someone who needed me. She needed me, and I was there for her, the person and partner she needed. In that moment, I was good enough.
But then, I was demoted, and everything went downhill from there…again. That light Carina provided me started fading while I enveloped myself into a pit of misery and self doubt. I couldn't shake off the feeling of being a failure. It consumed me entirely. All I could think about was failure, failure, and more failure. The grating voice in my head was on repeat, telling me how much of a failure I truly was. Winning was all I knew, and losing was not an option. So that voice continued to echo inside me.
Losing meant I was a loser, and being a loser meant I was unworthy. If I wasn't worthy, then I wasn't worthy of her. That also meant I wasn't worthy of being a mother. She deserved someone by her side who was worthy of her and her future babies, not someone like me who would taint her world. Losers were nothing but empty spaces.
Empty space is what I am - a dark void taking up the space that should be filled with light and love, just like hers.
Carins's new friend seems like a perfect match for her, fulfilling all her desires and needs. With her, Carina can experience motherhood and find happiness with someone other than me. This woman possesses a quality that I lack - genuine happiness. (I'm assuming. She might be a very talkative, but she also has this light.) Plus, it's clear she has a strong affection for Carina.
My deep-seated darkness and brokenness feels like it’s impossible for me to give Carina the happy little family she yearns for. She can’t have a family with “that”..with me like “that”.
The all consuming and suffocating nature of our situation is gut wrenching. When Carina expressed her pain about being in our apartment, it hurt me more than I could have imagined. She's afraid to be in a home that we built together, but I realize now that in the past year, I've created a prison for her.. a form of hell. I failed to provide her with a safe place, and now she's living in a hotel.
My wife is living in a hotel because of me.
Because of me, she’s now living in darkness.
Because of me, she doesn’t have a home.
Because of me, she’s not a mother yet.
Because of me, she’s living with pain and fear.
It’s feeling like I’m being swallowed whole by the belief that my existence in her life is a burden that she didn’t ask for. It's like a broken record, playing over and over in my mind. I can't shake the feeling that she would be better off without me.
I'm spiraling out of control, lost in my own self-doubt. I know this but I can’t seem to stop. I promised her that I would do everything in my power to fix what I broke, but what if it's not enough? What if I'm not enough for her anymore? The weight of my mistakes is killing me, and I fear that I may never be able to make things right.
What if her trust in me is forever lost?
What if I can never provide her with a sense of security again? The place where she once found solace and comfort has been tainted by my behavior.
The urge to call her and see her is overpowering all of my self control. But would it be selfish to reach out to her and tell her how I feel? Would it only cause her more pain?
I pick up my phone, feeling the need to tell her everything. As I dial her number, my heart races with anticipation, self doubt. The phone rings, and I wait anxiously for her to answer.
“Hi, you reached Carina, please leave a message”
It’s her voicemail..my mind goes blank. I stumble over my words, unsure of what to say.
"Hey...um...it's me," I manage to say. "I was just checking in to see how you're doing. Okay...good night."
I end the call feeling regret and anxiety consume me. (Why is everything consuming me tonight?!) Did I make a mistake by calling her? Will she know that something is wrong? I try to convince myself that I sounded normal, but deep down, I know that's not true.
I glance at the clock and realize it's past 3am. I can't believe I called her at this hour. But then again, she's probably asleep, so it's not a big deal. Or is it?
My thoughts continue to spiral out of control as I remember that she went on a date with another woman. She's lonely because of me, and I can't provide her with what she needs. In just a few weeks, she found someone who can give her everything she desires. I'm not enough for her, and I never will be. I'm broken and damaged, and she doesn't fix broken people.
As I wallow in my self-pity, my phone rings, interrupting my thoughts.
I hesitate before answering, knowing who it is. But I can't ignore her, not again.
"Hello?" I answer, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Maya, is everything okay? You called me?" she says, concern lacing her words.
I take a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears threatening to spill over. "I...umm.. yeah. I just wanted to call to say good night. Didn’t realize how late is. I’m..I’m sorry.”
But she can hear the pain in my voice. "Maya, what's wrong? What happened? Talk to me."
I can't do this to her anymore. She deserves better than me, someone who can bring light into her life instead of darkness. "Carina, I can't keep hurting you. You deserve more than me. you deserve someone that can bring you light..I’m not light.. I..I’m darkness and ugly..opposite of everything you are and need. I love you, but I'm not enough. I'll never be enough."
I ended the call abruptly, not giving her a chance to reply. I slid down to the floor, needing to feel a sensation that is not "soft". I think I know now what she means about being "too soft". I can't stop the tears that are streaming down my face, soaking my shirt.
As I lay the floor now, tears streaming down my face. I can't help but question if I made the right decision (most likely not). Did I just end it with the love of my life... again?!
Is she now free from me? Will she find someone who can give her everything she needs and deserves? Will she seek comfort with that woman?
I know deep down that I'm not enough for her. I can't be the light in her life that she deserves. But all of this still hurts. All the progress I made in therapy seems like it was a waste.
I feel more broken and emptier than ever before.
------------
After returning to the hotel, I made a beeline for the shower. The need of hot water to wash away all the tension in my body. The past 24 hours have been whirlwind of a dream. Having Maya in my arms again, the feeling was nothing short of magical. Since our separation, my thoughts had been consumed by her, and the intensity of it all was starting to feel like too much. Being with her brought me a sense of peace that made me forget, if only temporarily, the reason for our second first date. But I knew I needed some time to myself to process everything and regain my bearings.
My mind was all over the place, torn between the desire to be back in Maya's arms and the need to take a step back and evaluate our situation more. Every fiber of my being longed for her warmth and the comfort of having her sleeping next to me. For months, I had struggled to fall asleep without her softness just inches away. Sleeping next to Maya had always been a blissful experience, leaving me in a state of peaceful oblivion. Her scent was like a soothing balm, easing me into a deep slumber. But as much as I craved her presence and touch, I knew that we weren’t completely there yet. We still needed to take things slow.
After finishing my shower, I reached for the shirt I had taken from Maya's closet, desperate to have her scent close to me. With a piece of her with me, I tried to settle down and sleep, my mind filled by thoughts of her. I couldn't help but think of her hands, her mouth, and her delicious body. The last coherent image that crossed my mind was of her looking into my eyes while pleasuring me. Maya loved eye contact, and she had once told me that my eyes were the key to her soul. Looking into them brought her to a world that was safe and free. She always said that I brought her lightness, and that her soul could breathe better when she looked into my eyes.
So, for the past year that she's been "eyes forward," I knew she was the woman I first met - the one who had captured my heart with her strength and resilience but was so stubborn. She copes with everything "her way." It was the only way she knew how to survive to protect herself. I just wish she didn't have to feel the need to protect herself from me.
As I drifted into oblivion with her shirt tucked under my chin, my thoughts were still of Maya. I couldn't help but feel that she didn't fully grasp how precious she is. Despite the shadow of darkness that tends to follow her, it was the light that shone over her that was always at the forefront. Maya had a radiance that was impossible to ignore, and it was one of the many things that drew me to her. I knew that she had her struggles, but I also knew that she was strong enough to overcome them. She just needs to see for herself how wonderful she truly is.
Maya's selflessness was one of the things that haunted me in the best possible way. In all the years I have known her, she has always been there for the people she loved, putting their needs before her own. What made it even more beautiful was that she wasn't even aware of the size and beauty of her heart. Maya had a heart that was big enough to encompass the world, and yet she never boasted about it or sought recognition for her kindness. It was just who she was, and I was constantly in awe of her.
The Maya I fell for was the one who made my heart skip a beat every time she walked into a room, the one who would stare at me with a love-struck look on her face, completely zoned out. My Maya would never intentionally hurt me but would fight tooth and nail to ensure that I was safe and protected. The Maya that had been showing for the past year was the one who would push me away to survive whatever was going on in her beautiful head. Despite the challenges she faced, Maya had always been a fighter, and I knew that she would come out on the other side stronger. She just needed to get her head out of her ass and accept help...since apparently, what she was doing to herself wasn't helping.
Witnessing her downward spiral was painful, especially since we were trying to conceive. Each time a negative test result came back, she would shut down. It seemed as though she was carrying the weight of our shared struggle and all of her other challenges on her shoulders. Unfortunately, this only caused her to sink further and further.
However, I have a strong sense of feeling that she's coming back to me. I can feel it in my bones...in my entire being. Her eyes have reverted to my most cherished shade of blue, reminiscent of the serene ocean on a bright, sunny day. Whenever I catch a glimpse of that hue, I feel a sense of belonging. She is my sanctuary, my safe haven. And she always will be.
I jolt awake, a wave of anguish and uneasiness engulfs me. I instinctively reach for my phone and notice a missed call and voicemail from Maya. As I hit the speaker button to listen to the message, a sense of nervousness creeps up on me, sending shivers down my spine.
“Hey…umm..it’s me.. I..I umm.. was checking in.. to..to see how you were doing. O..okay. Good night.”
Something is wrong... Maya's voice sounded off, almost as if she had been lost in her thoughts for hours and was now on the brink of a panic attack. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I couldn't help but curse under my breath. “Cazzo”
Without thinking of anything else but getting to her, I rush out of the door and jump into my car still in my sleepwear. As I start the engine and sit here for a second to gather my bearing, I frantically dial Maya's number, hoping and praying that she would answer.
“Hello” she answers but sounds even more panicked than before.
“Maya, is everything okay? You called me?"I asked, my heart racing with worry.
“I.umm.. yeah. I just wanted to call to say good night. Didn’t realize how late is. I’m..I’m sorry.”
“Maya? What’s wrong? What’s going on?” The haunting feeling consumed me. I hear to take a deep breath before she says…
“I’m sorry Carina. I can’t do this. I can’t keep doing this to you. I can’t keep hurting you. You deserve light..I’m not light. I love you but you deserve more than me…I’m not enough. I will never be enough. I’m sorry.” She hangs up without giving me a chance to respond.
Bambina, you are enough..more than enough.. I need to tell her..see her. Even though she’s now in therapy, I know there will be times she still self doubts. The last 24 hours were a lot on both of us. I have to see her.
Putting the vehicle into drive, I pull out the hotel parking lot, and head to the apartment.
Without a second thought, I unlock the front door, knowing that any attempt to knock would be met with silence. Maya's panic attack had likely left her incapacitated, rendering her unable to respond.
“Bambina?!” I call out, hoping to locate Maya. Following the sound of faint whimpers, I make my way towards the bedroom.
As I enter the bedroom, my heart sinks at the sight before me. Maya is curled up in a corner, her body wracked with sobs so intense that her entire body is shaking. The sight breaks my heart, and I immediately move towards her.
“Bambina? Maya? Hey…sweet girl. Can you look at me?" I say softly, trying to get her attention.
Maya continues to cry, but she pokes her head out and looks at me with her big, puffy blue eyes. Despite the gravity of the situation, I can't help but find her adorable, like an innocent lost puppy with her trembling lip and tear-streaked face.
”What are you doing on the floor, Bella?” I ask, but she doesn’t respond.
I try to keep my voice calm as I try again to get her to talk. “Maya, please tell me what's going on. You're scaring me."
She shakes her head, refusing to budge from the spot on the hard floor. "I don't deserve to be anywhere else," she whispers.
I sit down next to her, placing a hand on her back. "Maya, you deserve to be wherever you feel comfortable. Please, let me help you. "
She takes a deep breath, her voice shaking as she speaks. "I don't know...I just feel so lost and overwhelmed. My head won’t shut up, and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like I'm drowning."
As I hold her tightly, I can't help but wonder what happened in the short time since we parted ways earlier. We had said our goodnights with a kiss, and I thought everything was okay. But now, seeing her like this, I realize that something must have gone terribly wrong.
—————————
She’s here.. I called her and she came. I thought I gave her an out, but she showed up anyway. Now, she’s here, but I don’t know what to do or say.
I try to speak, but only a whimper comes out.
“Maya, talk to me.” She repeats.
"I..umm..I can’t do this Carina. I…it hurts too much…everything hurts.
All I do is cause you pain. I cause pain to everyone. I'm broken and can't seem to do anything right. All I ever wanted was to do right by you and be enough for you, but I haven't been able to do that. All I've ever done for you is cause you pain.
I know we're trying to work on things, but I can't help feeling like I'm going to mess it all up again. I don't want to hurt you anymore. The more pain I inflict upon someone, the deeper I fall."
“Maya, slow down. Tell me what happened. What brought this on?
“I’m broken” is all I say.
Carina scoots closer, holding me tighter. "Maya, you're not broken. I know this period of time is hard, but look at how far you've come. Bambina, two months ago, you wouldn't have picked up that phone to call me. You would have just wallowed by yourself until you got your mind to flip to 'Eyes forward'.
And another thing..you don’t always cause me pain. Yeah.. what we went through was painful and your actions weren’t the nicest but you were also struggling, Bambina.
That’s why I wanted you to get help. I saw you drowning but you wouldn’t allow anyone to pull you above water.”
Maya looks up at Carina, tears streaming down her face. "I just don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can be the person you need me to be."
Carina pulls me into a hug, holding her tightly. "You don't have to be anyone other than yourself. I love you for who you are, stubbornness and all."
In order to gain control over my emotions, I try focus on centering myself. I follow the breathing techniques that Dr. Lewis taught me, allowing my breath to gradually slow down. After taking a deep breath, I am able to meet her gaze.
“I know us being in this situation is my fault. I know I’m fucked up and broken.. I’m trying to be better, for you, for us, for our future but what if I can’t get better? What if I’m forever broken. I have this urge to jump off a cliff because I damn sure it would feel better than this sinking feeling of being a failure. I’m not talking about my job…in all honesty I don’t care about that as much I once did or thought I did. I failed you…I failed our marriage.. I can’t even give you a baby for goodness sake.
All I have ever wanted was to give you everything you have ever deserve and desire. I want to be someone you deserve but I’m not. I’m not enough…I’m always going to hold you back and hurt you.”
“Maya..”
“Carina! I don’t want to be my father! I don’t want to keep causing you this unforgivable pain.. I don’t want you to be lonely anymore. I want…"
"Maya! please breathe. What are you talking about? Unforgivable pain? Is this about Pam? I told you, she and I are just friends. We had drinks once. I..I was lonely."
"Lonely? Carina, I know I fucked up, but don't you think I was also lonely?! For months, my team, who I considered my family, had been ignoring me. My boss was constantly abusing and exhausting me day in and day out. I know it's my fault, but no one bothered to ask me about it. No one asked if I regretted my actions or if I was sorry. The truth is, I regretted it the moment I left Ross's office. I am sorry for what I did, but does that make me a bad person? Is it fair for my supposed 'family' to shun me and talk behind my back? These are the same people I rely on to have my back when I enter a burning building.
I was dying inside, Carina! I needed it all to stop. So, my overly thinking stupid brain did the one thing that made sense at the time. I made a mistake, and it will always live with me.
When you and I started dating, you replaced his voice. You became my conscience. There were times, like when you confronted me about Lane, that his voice resurfaced, but after that, it was your voice that kept me centered. But then the demotion happened. I felt like such a failure. I failed you, and it seemed like everything I did or touched was dying at my hands.
I tried being good, Carina. I wanted to be good for you because it's always been you, but the feeling of being a failure, failing you…. failing at my job consumed me.
I couldn't tell you about the blackmail because I was scared. I was scared that this would be the final straw…This would be the time you saw who I truly am, and you'd finally leave me. I was scared, Carina. I didn't want you to leave me."
“Bambina, I would have never left you. All I have ever wanted was for you to talk to me. Confide in me..All I have ever wanted was for you to let me in. I can’t be there for you if you don’t talk to me. You have to stop pushing me away. You can’t keep making decisions for us without talking to me first. I’m here for you.
“I’m trying, okay… I’m trying but, what if it’s too late? You’re scared to come home! You’re scared of me! I did that! I broke us because I couldn’t get my head out of my ass.”
"Dio mio... First off, I am not scared of you, so I need you to shut that down right now. There are just painful memories in this apartment that I haven't dealt with fully yet. Maybe it's time for me to go back to therapy. This past year was a lot on both of us… It's not fair of me to ask you to get help when clearly I need it as well. And another thing, why are you so dead set that all you do is cause me pain?
Maya, you are the love of my life. You know me better than anyone else. Do you really think I would still be around if all you did was hurt me?" She ask.
"No," I admit.
"Then what's going on? Why are you feeling this way?" She inquires
Inhaling deeply, I respond, "I believe I have finally processed everything, including the words you've spoken in the last week or so. You know how I am and stupid my brain is, I tend to overthink and spiral out of control."
“Maya, you do realize how beautiful your brain is? I don’t ever want to hear you call that beautiful brain of yours stupid again. I love your brain.”
"Yes, ma'am," I murmur as I snuggle into her chest. "I'm sorry for everything," I say as I let out a deep sigh against her
“No, I’m sorry. I realize that I've been so focused on myself that I haven't taken the time to consider everything you've been through as well," she holds me closer..if that’s possible.
"You went through a difficult time too, and I wish I could have been there for you. However, I believe that you needed to find your own way back without me. I was only holding you back," she admits.
“I don't believe you were holding me back, but I did need to hit rock bottom to see what was really going on. I was so blinded by anger and hurt that I didn't know what was reality or not. It was not fair to you that I took out my anger on you. I know all you wanted was to help, but I wasn't ready to accept it. I truly thought I could get myself out of the darkness.
I endured every bit of Beckett's mistreatment without uttering a single complaint, fully aware that I deserved it. I felt so guilty about blackmailing the chief that I took everything they gave me.
But then you found out, and with the words you said on the rooftop..." I pause because my mouth is suddenly dry.
“Maya..I’m..."
“No..hold on... let me say this.”
Deep breath “When you told me that you couldn't make a baby with “that”, with me, something inside me broke," I confess. "I was already going through my own personal hell, and then you essentially told me that we couldn't have a child together. It felt like I had lost everything in that moment. I was barely holding on, and the only thing that was keeping me afloat was you and the thought of our soon to be baby.
After that, the clouds returned. For a while, I tried to fight off the idea that being in the clouds was better than being here.” I add.
“The thought of death never scared me before, but this time it was frightening. Some nights when I lay alone, I would allow myself to picture myself sinking in those clouds.
But then that's all I could think about. What was the point since I already lost everything?
And you were right, I ran from you instead of running to you. I was so consumed in guilt, pain, and betrayal that I didn't know what was safe or not at the time. So I did what I did best. I ran from it all. I was running to the clouds.
When you 5150'd me and left me in that hospital, I was so mad at you the first night. You took all my control away.
I remember tripping and flying in the air and landing on that gym floor. I didn't lose consciousness right away, so I remember laying there alone while my team went out on their call. So, I laid there praying for the clouds, thanking whatever is up there for finally releasing me of this pain and agony I felt every second of the day. I was so tired, and all I wanted to do was rest.
When I woke up, I was scared at first, and all I wanted was you, but then I remembered, and then I was pissed. My rest was only temporary, and you took away my choice of leaving to get back to resting."
We're both in tears at this point, but I need to say this.
"Carina, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, for running away from you, for not being there for you when you needed me. I know I can't take back what I've done, but I promise to do better. I promise to work on myself and be the partner you deserve. I love you, Carina, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between us.”
Her tears flowed freely as she clung onto me with a fierce grip, as if releasing me would cause me to vanish into thin air.
So, I continue while I have the courage to say all this. “When I sat in this apartment alone for days before Diane showed up…I probably thought of every way possible to take away the pain seeping in every core of my being.
When I first started seeing Diane, it was difficult. I had to confront some painful truths and acknowledge that everything you had ever done for me was out of love and concern.
I know I was terrible to you, but you still loved me enough to let me go so I could find my own way and learn to love life again.
The thought of causing you any more pain fills me with dread. I never want to hurt you again. I couldn't bear it."
“Can I speak now?
I nod yes.
“First, I’m sorry. I wasn’t aware that you were battling all of this on the inside. I truly wish you would have talked to me, but I get it. I’m not the most approachable person when I’m angry. But amore mio, you should know that I would never turn you down. I can’t and won’t lose you Maya DeLuca-Bishop. You’re the only family I have, and I love you beyond some blackmail."
She hesitates for a moment then says, “Do you still think about the clouds?"
Despite just experiencing a complete mental breakdown, my answer was a resounding "no." I’m determined to continue therapy and get the help I need. I’m ready to start living.
"I’m sorry for what I said on that roof. Not my best choice of words. But that doesn’t excuse it. I’m sorry I hurt you.
Also, my love, my desire to have children is secondary to my love for you. I cannot imagine having babies with anyone other than you.
No matter what we go through, Bambina, it will always be you.”
“Are we going to be, okay?" I ask.
“I believe we should have had this talk months ago, but everything happens for a reason.
Yes, I believe we will be just fine. I love you, Bella, let’s get off this hard floor."
“Will you still hold me?”
“Sempre.” She says as she plants a kiss on my nose.
She truly is the light to my darkness.
"I love you, Carina. Thank you for coming.”