“So, you are a man who has everything and nothing.”
If Tony was being completely honest to himself, he had wished, multiple times, that it all ended in Afghanistan. sure, he never wanted to live at the mercy of terrorists, but he never wanted to go back to America, to his old life either, which revolved around the selfsame routine of fake smiles, alcohol, and one-night stands.
He was almost relieved when Yinson informed him that he only had a week to live. he didn’t bother with having self-preservice with the ten rings either, because all he wanted was for them to kill him, to draw an end to a meaningless life he so desperately hated.
It seemed fitting, that Tony Stark died in the hands of his own creations, the very creations that had taken hundreds of innocent lives. the creations made to protect soldiers out on the battle field.
How ironic.
Then he realized how much damage those creations could do even after his death, and he decided to take matters into his own hands.
Ironman walked out of that cave.
He destroyed gang after gang, millions of dollars of weapons one after another because he had foolishly thought it was his redemption, his legacy.
“I should be alive, unless it was for a reason”.
The first thing he felt was peace when Jarvis informed him about the palladium poisoning.
What had he to lose in death?
There was no one to live for, no one worth fighting for, no one to whom he actually mattered.
He could smile and flirt all he wanted, but at the end of the day, Tony Stark was invariably, inherently alone.
He had wasted years drinking and having sex because he couldn’t see any point in moving forward. That life was what Tony never wanted, yet the one that somehow became his reality.
And sex, it was just a desperate attempt at human contact, to have some kind of physical relation with another person, to be touched and held, even if it was only for a night.
He’d ODed on drugs multiple times, only to wake up and see Rhode shaking him and feel disappointed.
Smiles that didn’t reach his eyes all day long, meaningless conversations and press meets.
Coming home to an empty mansion, his voice echoing through the loneliness floating in the air, his a.m. as the only one to talk to.
So yeah, Tony didn’t want to come back from Afghanistan. he didn’t see the point of his life.
But now…. now he had the love of his life as his wife, a kid with bright brown eyes, a best friend who was his brother in every way but the blood.
Pepper, Peter, and Rhodey.
He never forgot that part of him, the part which he left behind in the cave. the playboy, addict, alcoholic, depressed man.
Those years were behind him now, merely a shadow of a different tony stark from a long bygone time.
Past lives that he left behind him.
“It’s Not About How Much We've Lost, It's About How Much We Have Left.”