Bucky steps into the Wilson family kitchen right as Sarah and Sam are finishing up a conversation, catching the tail end of it from down the hall.
"...Cass has been really excited about this party," Sarah says as Bucky comes into the room. "He even invited little Matty from class. Cass said they really enjoy astronomy."
"Well, then it's a good thing they're having a stars party," Bucky says as he settles into the chair next to Sam. "Cass is making friends in his new class, then?"
Sam chuckles and bumps Bucky's shoulder. "Yeah, kid's name is Matty. They're a real sweetheart, honestly. Polite and funny, kinda quiet though. Makes me think a little bit about you."
Bucky raises an eyebrow. "No, they've got a lot more future ahead of 'em." He reaches over and steals a carrot off Sam's plate. "Any other kids from his class coming, or is it just Cass and Matty?"
Sam and Sarah look at him for a moment, then Sarah shakes her head. "Just the two," she chuckles. "But AJ will be there, of course. And Uncles Sam and Bucky?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world, sis," Sam hums. "And I know Buck will be there. You know how he is about the stars."
"S'one of the only things that's stayed relatively the same from my time to now," Bucky shrugs. "Plus, I just got really into stargazing as a kid. It was a comfort, when I could see the stars. Saw more of 'em as a prisoner of war than I ever did as a kid in Brooklyn, though."
Sarah runs her hand through Bucky's hair and sighs. "Well, you'll see plenty tonight, hun." She steps out of the room and leaves Bucky alone with Sam.
Sam watches Bucky for a moment, until the other man turns and raises an eyebrow at him. "You took to that easier than I thought you would," Sam says after a moment.
Bucky blinks. "What?" He grabs another carrot and pops it in his mouth. "It's a stargazing party for your nephews and their friend. I'm in."
"Not that," Sam says softly. "The pronoun."
Bucky shifts in his seat to fully look at Sam. "I'm not following."
Sam lets out a sound and seems to think for a minute. Bucky takes another piece of carrot and chews on it this time, watching Sam for a few moments and waiting for the other man to figure out how to get his words working for him.
"You called Matty they," Sam offers after a moment.
"Because you did," Bucky says. "I figured that's what they go by. I'm not about to make assumptions, but if you know the kid, you probably know better'n I do." He tilts his head at Sam's look of confusion. "Oh for fuck's sake, Sam. I'm old, but I ain't an idiot."
"Argument to be made," Sam mutters.
Bucky shoves the remainder of his piece of carrot into Sam's mouth and shakes his head. "Someone tells me to call them he or she or they or it, I don't care what they ask me to call them, I'll do it. So long as it's not disparaging to an entire race. I'm not going to call someone a racial slur because they think it's funny to say that's their preferred pronouns."
Sam stays quiet, but he tilts his head and raises an eyebrow.
"One video I saw online of some asshole getting kicked out of a restaurant," Bucky clarifies. "Thing is, it's not my place to tell someone what or who they are. I'm still working on who I am, and that's the only identity I need to concern myself with. My own. Everyone else knows, or is learning, themselves. They can change it daily and I'll keep up so long as they fill me in. Gender and pronouns are something that are extremely important and validating to some people."
He looks aside. "And for others, it's just… a word."
Sam furrows his brow. "What do you mean by that? It's just a word?"
Bucky looks back at Sam. "For instance, if you woke up tomorrow and told me you were going by she, I'd respect it because that's your identity, not mine. In that, gender, or at least that pronoun, is important to you, yes?"
Sam nods slowly. "I mean, yeah. That makes sense. I never really think about it. I was born male and I've never questioned who I am in that regard. He has always fit."
"And maybe someday Cass will go by they. Or Rhodes will tell us to use it instead."
"It?" Sam raises an eyebrow at that.
"Legitimate pronoun," Bucky says, his tone dropping a little lower, softer. "It uh… it's what I was. For 70 years."
"They called you an it, you mean?"
Bucky hums and looks at the ceiling. "I was the Winter Soldier or the Asset and I was referred to as it, yes."
"Isn't that demeaning though? Dehumanizing?" Sam looks concerned for his friend.
"That's, I think, what they were aiming for?" Bucky chuckles. "I was too far gone into the brainwashing for it to affect me, honestly? I think I just did the job and kept going. But uh… looking back on it, there's a part of me that realized the reason it never bothered me, deep down, is because it's the most me I've ever felt. Where pronouns are concerned."
Sam leans back in his seat and stares at Bucky. "Being called it felt like you?"
Bucky takes a slow breath through his nose. "Gender ain't a new concept, you know. And those who don't fit the gender binary aren't a new breed. We just… are a bit more open with ourselves these days."
"We," Sam whispers. "You don't fit the gender binary, Buck?"
Bucky shakes his head. "Never have, just never had the words for it. Used to be, as a kid, I just didn't fit. Didn't know what was wrong with me. Wasn't like I felt like a girl or anything, but I didn't feel like a boy. I just felt… this sorta nothing? I existed, and that was all I did. I got older and started puttin' myself in the box I was born into so I didn't get ostracized, but it never really fit proper. I didn't know why, but I just kept going. You hit a point where you start to convince yourself the lies are truth, and I started to just accept myself as Bucky the man. When I very much was not."
"Then what are you?" Sam asks. "Sorry, I'm- I'm not trying to be rude. But you said growing up you didn't feel like a boy or a girl. What are you then? Where do you fall? In the middle somewhere?"
"I imagine that might be where Matty feels like they fall," Bucky says. "But no. Not me. I don't fall in the middle. I exist outside the binary entirely. Not the middle ground of either like gender fluid or what one thinks of when they hear nonbinary-"
"See, these are all words I didn't think you'd actually know. I thought I'd have to teach you about this, and here I am, learning something from you about it all," Sam cuts in.
Bucky chuckles. "I looked things up, when I couldn't sleep at night. Figured I'd learn about the time I'm in. And one night led me down the topic of gender. Transgender people, dysphoria, nonbinary people, the whole bit of it. That led into sexualities, too. But that's another topic."
Sam snorts and nods. "So you just started researching gender one night."
"I was watching a late night show and they mentioned someone was a trans woman and I didn't know if that meant they were a woman before or now, so I looked that up, then just kept going." Bucky shrugs. "And in all of that, I found something that… actually fucking made sense. Agender."
Sam tilts his head. "No, I've heard of that. I never really understood it, though."
"It's not being… any gender, basically." Bucky frowns. "I mean, that's the most basic way to put it. The way I think of it is an absence of gender?"
"So, not man or woman," Sam says, "or anything in between?"
Bucky nods. "Outside the spectrum. Absent from it."
"And that's what you are?"
Bucky gives him a soft smile and shrugs. "S'the first thing that's ever made sense."
Sam falls quiet for a long moment. Bucky watches him as he looks down at his plate, almost empty now thanks to Bucky's stealing from it. There's a soft silence between them, but it's not hard to sit through. It's just quiet. Just Sam and Bucky, existing together. Bucky likes the moments like this.
"So," Sam speaks up, clearing his throat. "What pronouns do I use for you then?"
Bucky smiles at him again. "I'm so used to he, I'm kinda fond of it. But uh… you can use it."
"It, as in, instead of he went to the store, I'd say it went to the store?" Sam raises an eyebrow. "To make sure I'm hearing you correctly."
Bucky nods. "Yeah. Swap 'em out for each other, I guess. I don't know. I'm so used to both of them, thanks to Hydra."
"And me calling you it won't bring up… bad memories?"
Bucky shakes its head. "Nah. They tried to make it a bad thing for me, but they just helped me feel more like myself without realizing it, so the joke's on them."
It stretches and pushes itself to its feet. "Anyway, we should probably get to work on the blankets and stuff for the party tonight, yeah?"
Sam nods and watches Bucky head out of the room, passing Sarah in the doorway and giving her a soft kiss on the cheek in passing. Sarah chuckles and pats Sam on the shoulder.
"What's got him in such a good mood?" Sarah asks.
"We just had a talk," Sam hums. "And uh, honestly, I learned more about it than I thought I ever would."
"About what?" Sarah looks confused.
Sam stands and grins at his sister. "About Bucky," he laughs, squeezing her elbow and then heading for the door. "I'm gonna go help it set up for the party. Let you know when we're done."
He slips out of the kitchen to go find Bucky, leaving Sarah with a confused expression for all of 15 seconds. Then, with a click of her tongue, Sarah smiles and nods.
"That makes a lot more sense than it should."