in all the time you had known natasha romanoff, the one and only thing you were sure of was that there was no one like her. and it wasn’t because of how beautiful she was, and she was goddamn breathtaking, it wasn’t because she was skilled in a way no person was, or because she seemed to always know everyone’s secrets; no, that wasn’t it, the public natasha, the one everyone knew, respected and feared. it could’ve been that version of her, because that natasha was amazing, but private nat, as you called her, was, simply, out of this world.
it all started as every problem does, with someone’s devilish smile. and lord, does she have the most tempting smile ever. it was simple after that, you became close, best friends, until the friendly hugs became more… intimate. until the friendly cheek kisses became full on make out sessions. it was easy with natasha, everything flowed perfectly. she knew you, and despite the last thing she said to you, you knew her.
i washed my hands of us at the club
you made a mess of me
i pictured you with other girls in love
then threw up on the street
it was a monday when natasha romanoff decided that she no longer wanted you. she had been acting strange and distant and it all seemed to click for her when that morning you decided to bake her some cupcakes. it might have seem silly to someone else, but that was your way of telling her that you loved her, given that your first kiss had been while baking some cupcakes for steve’s birthday last year. this time though, it was her birthday.
she had been training with bucky in the compound's gym and she entered the kitchen sweaty with a reddened face.
“nat!” you called her as you pulled the sweet goods out of the oven and glanced at her over your shoulder.
“hey…” she looked around, almost as if looking for an escape. but you were too naive, too stupid to realize it, so you kept going.
“happy birthday!” you turned around with the tray in your hands. her eyes fell on the cupcakes and for the first time since you knew her, you wished she wouldn't even direct her gaze at you. the look on her face made your stomach twist. the realization that crossed her features at your gesture, the furrow of her brows as she took it in, and, finally, the disgust at the thought of loving you too. in the two seconds all of this passed, you kept smiling like an idiot, hoping, hoping, hoping.
“y/n,” she simply said and your smile fell immediately.
“yeah…?”
“what is this?”
“cupcakes?” you said, more a question than a statement. almost as if you weren't sure. she took in a sharp breath through her nose, still looking at you. “i wanted to do something nice for you, and i know you don't particularly care about birthdays but i thought-”
“no.” she cut your rambling off, shaking her head. “this is- this is not just cupcakes. and you know that.” you frowned.
“then what is it?”
“its-”
“what?” you asked again, defensively. she was hurting you. she ignored you and distanced herself from you, and then she ruined your nice gesture with more distance. “what is it natasha?”
she looked taken aback by your use of her full name, being used to you calling her a soft nickname. then she composed herself, looking at you coldly.
“you can't do this.” she told you.
“do what?”
“don't play dumb.” she clenched her jaw. “you can't pretend that everything is fine. you know how i've been acting, you know i've been trying-”
“you wanna break up with me?” you asked her, unwavering, putting up a strong front. she swallowed.
“yes.” she admitted.
“why?” natasha sighed, frustration lacing her sigh, almost as if she couldn't tell she was breaking your heart in a million pieces right then and there.
“i can't- i never meant for it to get this far.”
“you didn't mean to what? to lead me on?” you asked her but her gaze was on the ground. “look at me and answer the question!” you raised your voice.
“yes!” she widened her eyes at her admission, surprised by her tone. natasha ran her hand over her reddened face. “yes.” she said softly. “yes… i didnt mean for it to get this far. i didn't mean for you to…”
you nodded rapidly, repeatedly, almost mockingly. then you let out an incredulous laugh.
“you didn't mean for me…?” you trailed off, waiting for her to finish her statement.
“for you to make me cupcakes! for you to… to…” she didn't finish her sentence. for you to fall in love with me.
“you didn't mean for that to happen? then why did you let it?” she didn't answer. “why?!”
“you are hard to push away.” she might as well have grabbed a knife and stabbed you with it, to proceed then to twist it, repeatedly. the air was knocked out of you. what could you say to that? all those months you thought you were living a real life love story, a story worth telling the world, she was trying to get out of it but couldn't find a way to do so. that broke your heart. and it made you feel so stupid, it was blinding how embarrassing it was. defeated, you frowned and took a good, long look at her, pretending that was the last time you were going to see her. and truthfully, it was. that was the last time you were going to see nat, your love. so that's why you did the next thing.
they say that if it's right, you know
“fine.” you dropped the tray and walked away quickly as the sound of the metal hitting the marbled floor resounded all the way to the end of the hallway.
each bar plays our song
nothing has ever felt so wrong
she's everywhere. she haunts your dreams, and when you're awake, she haunts every place in the compound. she's not there physically– she has been avoiding you ever since she broke your heart– but her perfume, her laugh, her presence, they're all there. you're sick of it, sick of her memory, sick of your shattered heart. which is why you call her.
oh my, love is a lie
shit my friends say to get me by
it hits different
it hits different this time
“i can't believe it, i'm gonna kill her.” wanda tells you when you finish your story. she is sitting next to you on a booth in a beautiful bar, far away from the compound. if only you would be able to appreciate the beauty.
“you don't have to, wands. it's fine.”
“oh yeah, it's so fine that you asked me to go to a bar! miss introvert!” she scoffs. “what an asshole. i'm going to knock some sense into her.” you fidget with the straw of your drink.
“there is no sense to be knocked into her. it's simple. she doesn't love me back.” even though you say it nonchalantly, it suddenly feels like someone very heavy is sitting on your chest. your eyes begin to gather some tears, but you blink them away. wanda notices. of course she does.
“hey. lets go dance. fuck her.” you nod and she grabs your hand and pulls you to the dance floor. before you leave the table, you grab your drink, feeling like you're gonna need it.
...
“wanda! look!” you do a weird dance move and the redhead laughs, doing one herself. it's been a while since she dragged you to the dance floor, and you've had more than a couple of drinks, so you're, to put it elegantly, hammered.
“i'm going to get another beer!” she yells over the music, and you nod, not paying much attention. you're having too much fun, dancing weirdly and forgetting your pain.
not a lot of time passes when you suddenly feel a hand on your shoulder. you turn around, expecting to find wanda, but instead, there is a woman. a beautiful woman.
“hey there.” she's looking at you amused, and for a second you think she's going to laugh at your dancing. “i've been watching you and your friend for a while. you seem to be having a lot of fun. mind if i join you?”
oh. oh. well, hell yeah.
she laughs and you realize you just said the last part out loud. you scrunch up your nose.
“sorry, had too much to drink. i'm not going to have a filter now.” she tilts her head back as she laughs, and you notice she has dimples. “pretty smile.” you tell her as you point at her. “sorry.”
“don't worry.” she puts her hand on your arm. “thank you. so, are we going to dance?”
“yeah!” you nod enthusiastically and begin moving again, swaying your body from one side to the other.
you're taken aback when she puts her hands on your hips and draws herself closer. maybe this is exactly what you need. so you hook your arms around her neck and begin dancing more suggestively. she smirks and pulls you even closer, your breaths mingling. she smells like vanilla and you close your eyes, preparing yourself. then, she kisses you.
her mouth is on yours, and she smells like vanilla and tastes like cherries and she's beautiful and seems kind…
but she's not nat.
you stop moving your mouth and she pulls away frowning. god, you miss her.
you don't realize until a few moments later that she's saying something.
“are you okay?”
“what?” and that's when you feel them. hot tears are streaming down your face. she looks worried, but also uncomfortable. poor woman, she wasn't expecting to be a therapist today. “sorry. i'm so so sorry.”
“hey, its okay. what happened?”
“i broke up with my girlfriend last week.” you chuckle bitterly through your tears. “she broke up with me.” understanding crosses her features. “i'm sorry.” you repeat again, sniffling.
“i'm going to go get your friend, okay?”
you nod and suddenly, the world is spinning. you didn't realize how drunk you were. she puts her hands on your waist to stabilize you and you let out a sob. this is such a mess. you're so embarrassed. and you miss nat. you just want to go home and crawl into her bed and let her kiss away all your tears and hug away your pain. but you can't. because she doesn't love you.
“i'll be right back.” and then she's gone. you look at her as she walks away, still crying.
it isn't long before wanda is by your side, with the woman still there. you're surprised she hasn't run away yet.
“babe! are you okay?” you shake your head, and she wipes your tears with her thumbs. “thank you, i'll take it from here.” she tells the woman, whose name you don't know.
“what's your name?” you ask her, sniffling.
“violet.” she smiles, pity dripping from her expression.
“thank you, violet. and i'm sorry. you're so beautiful, i'm just-”
“i know. it's alright.” she tells you. “and for the record, she's an idiot. you're the most breathtaking woman i've ever seen.” you purse your lips and look down, embarrassed.
“thank you,” you mumble.
“see you around.” and then, she's gone.
“let's go get a cab.” wanda tells you, putting her arm around your waist so you don't fall. she doesn't seem drunk, unlike you. but, to be fair, you didn't really pay a lot of attention to how much she drank.
“yeah.” you nod.
and i never don't cry (no, i never don't cry) at the bar
yeah, my sadness is contagious (my sadness is contagious)
i slur your name 'til someone puts me in a car
i stopped receiving invitations
you walk out of the bar and get into a cab. you're still crying, silently. and you're tired. and you're starting to get angry. so you grab your phone. the line stops ringing, and you know she can hear you breathe.
“idiot.” you tell her. she doesn't answer. she doesn't hang up either.
“y/n, put down the phone.” wanda tells you once she realizes what you're doing. but you get away from her.
“you're an idiot, you know that natasha? that's what violet thinks. i'm breathtaking apparently.” you sniffle. “but you couldn't see that. i deserve more than that, more than you.”
“y/n,” she says sternly. “where are you?”
“what do you care?”
“i'll come pick you up, just give me the address-”
“i'm in a cab with wanda. and no, you can't pick me up.” you hiccup. your friend looks at you. “god, natasha. youre so… so…” wanda shakes her head. you look down at your hands.
“so what?” she asks you in a low voice, almost as if expecting the worst thing to come out of your mouth.
“i'm sorry.” you blurt out. “i'm sorry i'm so hard to push away.”
“y/n-”
“and im sorry i fell in love with you.” she falls silent. you sob silently. “goodbye.” and you hang up.
“i don't know what im gonna do without her.” you tell wanda.
“you'll be okay, y/n. you'll find someone wonderful who can give you what you deserve.”
“yeah…” you wipe your tears with your hand and look out the window. you don't tell wanda that you don't want to find anyone else, that if it's not natasha, then it's you, alone.
movin' on was always easy for me to do
it hits different
it hits different 'cause it's you
the next morning, you wake up with a splitting headache and you moan and grunt and thrash around your bed. after complaining for a bit, your mind is filled with images of last night. wanda and you talking, dancing. violet. violet dancing with you, then… kissingyou. crying. calling natasha. wait. calling natasha? oh no.
“fuck. me.”
slowly, painstakingly slowly, you get out of bed, put on your socks, and head to the compound's kitchen.
when you reach it, you don't expect to find wanda and natasha sitting there, but you do.
as soon as you enter, wanda looks at natasha pointedly, then at you, and then leaves without a word.
you nod at natasha as a greeting and go to open the fridge, but she's quick and blocks the door. you blink at her. you weren't expecting to find her there, and you were not, in a million years, expecting her to give you the time of day.
“we need to talk.” you sigh. there's a few inches between you two but you can still smell her perfume. and it's killing you.
“if it's about the call, i'm sorry, okay? forget about it. just- pretend it didn't happen.” she looks at you.
“i can't.” you take a deep breath.
“i don't know what else to say. i'm sorry.”
“could you stop saying sorry for a second?” she snaps. you frown. “i'm sorry, y/n. i am.”
“for what, nat?” you sigh. “it's not your fault you don't love me.”
“that's the thing.” she runs her hands over her face.
“what is?”
“i do love you, y/n.” the world stops for a few seconds, but then you clench your jaw and shake your head.
“is this because of violet?” she looks away. “you're jealous i'm trying to move on and so you manipulate me?”
“no, it's not like that.” you scoff.
“please.”
“okay.” she nods. “i'm not going to pretend i care for you kissing another woman. i dont. i wanted to go over there and punch her.” against your will, butterflies swarm your stomach at her admission. “but- but that's not it.”
“then what is it?”
“i realized- i've known i love you for a long time, y/n. but i'm- i'm no good for you.” you frown.
“what?”
“you deserve more than someone who freaks out because you told them you love them. you deserve-”
“let me stop you right there.” you cut her off. she blinks, looking at you scared. but you give her a soft, small smile. “you love me?”
“yes. so much.”
“but you freaked out because you think you don't deserve me.”
“yes.”
“and you lied to me. you told me you didn't feel the same.” she looks guilty.
“yes, but-”
“no, no. let me finish.” you take a deep breath. “violet was right.” she clenches her jaw at the mention of her name. “you are an idiot.” she frowns.
“um-”
“you're an idiot, natasha romanoff. but i can't live without you. and i don't ever want to.” her eyes soften, and fill with hope.
“you're saying that you- that you forgive me?”
“you really hurt me nat. but i should've known you'd do something like that. you're not the best at this feelings stuff.” she smiles sheepishly.
“i'm not. but i want to be, for you.”
“i know. and i trust you'll be. after all, you did just admit that you love me.”
“yeah,” she chuckles, “it just took me breaking your heart.” you tilt your head. even though she's joking, you know there's guilt there.
“hey,” you caress her cheek. “its okay.” she's looking at the floor now. “baby. it's okay, i promise.”
“i'm really sorry. i promise you, i'll never do something like that ever again.”
“i know,” you whisper, “now, are you going to kiss me or what?” she laughs and it twists your stomach into knots. god, you missed her.
she grabs your face between her hands and puts her mouth on yours. the kiss begins soft, but after a bit it becomes desperate.
“i missed you so much.” she says when she pulls away for air. then, she's back attacking your mouth.
“i love you.” you tell her, and you kiss her again, and again.
“i love you too.”
yeah, there was no one like her.