Disoriented
Chapter 9
Daphne entered the great hall and took her usual seat in between Adrian and Blaise and across from Pansy. They had sat like this ever since second year when Daphne, Adrian, and Blaise were finally allowed to play for the Quidditch team and started spending more time together. After seeing Potter play in first year, they had all begged Snape to let them play that year as well, but it seemed the favor didn’t extend to everyone. Pansy and Daphne had already been friends since first year so she naturally tagged along. It seemed there were two new additions, with Theo next to Blaise and Tracey next to Pansy more and more often.
Immediately her friends noticed something wrong. “So what happened to you?” Adrian inquired.
Daphne frowned as she began to fill her plate. “Granger got in my fucking head and on my nerves. That’s what.” she scowled.
“So it’s Granger and not Kimura?” Blaise asked. Daphne glared at him. Not everyone in their group knew about her preferences.
“I didn’t realize you were close with either of them.” Tracey said curiously. “I mean I knew you and Granger were potion partners but you guys look congenial in class."
Daphne sighed and just rubbed her temples. “I had patrols with her the other night and we just got into a bit of a row that's all.” She replied, purposely ignoring the comment about Kimura.
Pansy rolled her eyes. “Thanks for the specifics Daph, super helpful, really!” she said sarcastically.
“You're welcome!” Daphne responded with phony enthusiasm and a clipped smile.
After realizing they wouldn’t elicit any more information out of Daphne, her friends decided to drop the topic (save for Pansy, who gave Daphne a look that meant she wanted answers later. Daphne just pretended not to notice) and moved on to a more exciting one. Apparently this happened to be the fact that the Weasley twins had announced they were going to bypass Dumbledore’s magic and put their names in the Goblet of Fire. Most people scoffed at this, but some were foolish enough to bet money on how soon they would be able to achieve this, including Blaise, who had put 20 galleons down for a week before Halloween.
“You have to be the thickest person I've ever met.” Pansy had commented when he shared this. Everyone else in their group agreed there was no chance Blaise was winning anything, but he had just laughed it off and said it was all in good fun and that 20 galleons was barely anything. “I’ve got nothing else to do with the money, might as well have some fun with it.” he argued.
Daphne glanced over to the gryffindor table to find the twins. Sure enough, they seemed to be messing and joking around like usual. A few seats down from them sat Hermione Granger. When Daphne caught sight of her, she instinctively grimaced as memories of the past weeks started flooding her, but her expression was quickly replaced when she saw Hermione starting to laugh at some joke the twins said. She was so… open. She was smiling so wide that all the teeth showed and her eyes scrunched up, rather than her usual neutral expression. She was leaning forward in anticipation, with her chin resting on her hand, rather than her usual perfect posture. Daphne thought back to when those same hands had felt her cheeks in surprise of their temperature and blushed slightly. Her hair was tied up with strands messily framing her face rather than her usual style. It occurred to Daphne that Granger was quite beautiful.
She had never noticed her like this before. She looked so… natural. Usually when she saw her in class, Granger acted friendly enough, but was always so stoic. Daphne never saw her smile unless it was from answering a question correctly. But those little smiles of self-approval had never been like this, they paled in comparison to the way she was beaming at her friends.
She certainly wasn’t this way around Daphne. Does she always have walls up? Daphne thought. I always just assumed that she always had a stick up her arse. It seemed to her that she could barely ever evoke any emotion from Granger, and the times she had it was mainly just anger and annoyance. Which she supposed was fair given their circumstances. Daphne wondered for a moment if Granger was possibly like that around her because she was a pureblood. Is she scared of me or something? It was hard to imagine Granger being scared of anything really. She seemed too… stubborn for that. But she was always so guarded around her. Daphne tried to think back to past classes the two had shared and remember if she was like that with the hufflepuffs or ravenclaws. She couldn’t remember.
She was cold, and angry, but she wasn’t mean, Daphne conceded. She did vouch for my perfect position. Even though that's bloody humiliating. She had never been vulnerable though. Stop! Why do you even care about that? She barely knows you, why would she be vulnerable for you? It’s not like you trust her with all your secrets either. Daphne scolded herself.
Daphne remembered there was that one moment Granger had been vulnerable. When she had found her watch device. Something about it being her only connection home. It was a fleeting moment but it was the most Daphne had ever seen of her when she wasn’t angry. It wasn’t enough though.
Eventually, Daphne and the girls went back to their room, which unfortunately gave her flashbacks to the awkward exchange with Kimura. She fell onto her bed and sighed deeply, feeling that her life had become more and more disoriented. Suddenly, she felt her bed dip. She looked up to see Tracey sitting down near her feet, looking like she had.
“Hey so I have a question.” Tracey stated a bit awkwardly. Pansy had slipped in the shower by now so it was just them two.
“Yeah, what's up?” Daphne sat up, assuming it was probably a question about school she felt too ashamed to ask in front of Pansy (who had been tutored on all wizarding concepts since she learned to speak).
“What’s really going on with you and Kimura?” Daphne felt her stomach– and her face– drop. This was the last question she had been expecting from Tracey, who typically seemed more reserved than confrontational. She felt her heart speed up and could hear it through her chest. Her mind was simultaneously blank, and also thinking of everything that could go wrong. Tracey must have noticed because she quickly spoke up again. “I wouldn’t care no matter what it is! Just to be clear… even if you guys are, um, more than friends.” This calmed Daphne down a bit, but she still felt too nervous to talk and instead just pulled her knees to her chest, so Tracey just kept talking.
“You remember I'm half-blood right? Well muggles don’t care about that stuff as much. At least not where my dads from- Seattle, it’s in the states. We would go there to visit my Grandma all the time, so I knew about gay people since, like, my childhood. But I could be wrong, I’m not trying to assume-!” Daphne still looked a bit put off, so Tracey quickly added in the last bit.
“No, you're right.” Daphne interjected. “There’s nothing serious going on between me and Kimura, but I do fancy girls.” She admitted, waiting for Tracey’s reaction.
Tracey smiled, “Alright then. You don’t have to worry about me telling anyone. I can keep a secret.” Then she brought up her hand with her pinky finger stuck out. Daphne just looked confused.
"What's that for?"
Tracey's jaw dropped slightly, but it quickly turned back into her amused smile, "Right, I forgot you've probably never done these. It's called a pinky promise. Look, bring your hand up like mine." Daphne hesitantly complied, not knowing what to expect, but Tracey just wrapped their pinkies together and gave a slight shake. "There, now I've promised not to tell anyone your secret, and it can't be broken."
"But we didn't use any magic or anything." Daphne stated.
Tracey just rolled her eyes, "Right, but its a pinky promise, that's like, more powerful than magic. It's a symbol of my word."
Finally, Daphne started loosening up and smiled too. “So you really don’t have a problem with it?”
“Nope.” Tracey replied, shaking her head. “Well to be honest I kinda fancy them myself, well girls and boys.” she revealed sheepishly. Daphne laughed after learning this, realizing she was worried about nothing the whole time.
“Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone either.” She promised, pinky promised. She now felt eternally grateful Tracey was made prefect along with her this year, as far as roommates went, she was already turning out to be a pretty good one.
Just then, Pansy walked out of the bathroom in her silk nightgown, waving her wand about and muttering spells to get rid of the steam. She turned around to see the duo sitting on Daphne's bed together, “What are you two doing?” She asked skeptically.
“Talking about Seattle.” Daphne replied quickly, still bearing her smile from earlier. Her and Tracey just broke out into a fit of giggles. Pansy rolled her eyes, but invited herself onto the bed, not wanting to be left out.
“What’s that?”
“Muggle place.” Tracey answered excitedly, “It’s where my dad was raised, up north in the states…”
They continued like that for the rest of the night, all cramped on Daphne’s bed, listening to Tracey describe her half-blood childhood. Daphne still felt that everything was too complicated at the moment, but at least for now, it made a bit more sense.