Chapter 1
In the crooks of your body, I find my religion
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just another day in a tainted world, another day stuck living this same life and you can't seem to get out of this loophole of feeling like nothing ever changes and you won't ever get out of this.
you lie there in your bed not wanting to move not wanting to see anyone or deal with what comes with the day, but you have to its your job. You cant lay around sulking when other people need help. When other people need you, It's selfish and you know it. You shouldn't feel like this you thought it was wrong, this is a life only some can get and you should be content with it.
That's what you told yourself atleast.
you crawl out of bed leaving thoughs thoughts on your pillow and the cold air practically attacking your body as you get up to walk to the bathroom to get ready. The short walk from your bedroom to your bathroom is agonizing. The wood floor under your feet creaking with every step you take. Once you make it there you stare at your face and body in your slightly cracked mirror, examining all your features from the tip of your scalp all the way down to your knees just staring at yourself. Waiting for your eyes to start pointing out your imperfections.
You grab the nearest hygiene product and apply it generously, as you dont know if you smell or not but not wanting to take the risk you apply just the right amount. You carefully do your hair up and throw on your clothes that are sitting on the floor from the previous day. After, you take one last look at your self hoping that you look somewhat decent and praying other people don't notice that suffering look in your eyes.
You walk out from the bathroom, checking the time to see if you have some time to sneak a quick meal and smoke in. Its only 6:00 so you just have to choose between eating or smoking, obviously you choose the meal, not wanting to start the day off like that. As you walk to your kitchen and bend down to look in your refrigerator you aren't met with much, just a couple half empty bottles of liquor and some half eaten food that's most likely gone bad. You sigh at this sad sight before shutting the door and going to reach for a cabinet door, this time your in luck because there's a granola bar sitting all alone with your name written all over it.
You shove it into your mouth letting the crumbs fall from your lips, you just decide it will hold you over for most of the day until lunch. You check the time once more as you grab your things to go, it's now 6:20 so you still have a good amount of time to arrive at your clinic and set up. "Your clinic" if you could even call it that, it's just some abandoned house that's barely standing. But it's as good as it's going to get in this world.
As you walk out your house you take a moment to breathe in the cold air and check your surroundings. Jackson is now filled with people which you know is a good thing but you can't help but feel it's a bad thing, for you at least.
You start to walk out, still looking at some of the houses that were abandoned but soon renovated for families and more to live in. You wonder for a moment what life would be like if that vile infection was never a thing, you may be happier or not , you may have had a better job...or not. You quickly shake the thought knowing that if you think about that lifestyle it would quickly consume you and once again you cannot let that happen.
As you finally arrive at your small rundown place you drag your keys out of your pocket. Nobody is here yet which is good it means you can set up with no distractions just a nice quiet moment before you have to interact with anyone and plaster that fake attitude on. You set your things down on your desk with a dramatic sigh, the two other girls you share this clinic with are way neater than you but you're the one who does the most work here. It's not like you don't enjoy a small bit of it though, i mean after all you do offer to take over more shifts.
Once your finally done setting things up, you check the time once more, it's now 6:54
this makes you a bit happy as you were quick setting up and still nobody is here yet. The quiet provides you with nothing but comfort, you've always been like this always preferring the quiet over people but I guess it does get lonely here and there but it's never bothered you too much.
All good things must come to a end though as your coworker's walk through the door with tired eyes but still a smile on their faces, happy to see you.
A small yawn escapes your sisters mouth before she speaks up, "ah good morning, thanks for setting up." your sister has always been that one person you can be real around like you don't need to fake with her.
"Morning, also your welcome." you reply to her with a soft spoken tone happy to see her, the silence breaks once again when your sister's girlfriend friend/coworker speaks up as well, "oh yeah thanks." she gives a warm smile while walking to the back to set her things down. Both of these girls play a big role in your life and they seem to be the only ones you feel like you can be fully genuine with.
Its now 7:30 in the morning, all three of you are setup and are just going over your schedules, yours is seemingly basic just some routinely check ups on some of your daily patients. Until you see her name and your heart feels heavy and your mouth runs dry. It's Ellie, she's coming in for a check up on her bite. you have......mixed feelings on her as you always seem to feel differently when she's around like you can't breathe or control what you're doing it's like your body gives up on itself and it's a bit embarrassing for you as it's completely out of character for you.
As you start to obsess a bit over her you're quickly snapped out of your thoughts as Isabel starts to talk while leaning over you. "oooo, you got that girl uh whats her name."
she takes a moment to think of her name but it doesn't come up."Ellie her names Ellie." I
answer for her as I look up at her with sort of a attitude as I know she will tease me about this. Isabel seemed to catch on my behavior towards Ellie before anyone else including myself."that's it! Ellie, so you excited to see her?" She asks in a mocking tone as she snaps her fingers while speaking, i don't know if im excited to see her im not sure of anything when she's around to be honest. "Uh, I wouldn't say excited but I haven't talked to her in a while." You try your best to avoid her whenever you are out and about so you don't have to face those feelings.
Meanwhile, Ellie who's been up sense 5 AM, as she has problems, sleeping unlike you. just sitting around in her little house, She's just sitting on her couch doing literally nothing. once she gets the sudden urge to think about you, she just lets her mind think of you as you are a nice thought to her almost like she's happy her brain thought of you. Her mind wanders thinking about you. Like what your doing right now or what you're wearing and who you're talking to, just that type of thing. She seems to think about your body more, specifically your hands and how soft they feel when running along her arms when you check her blood pressure or just examining that old bite on her arm. The second these thoughts come up she can't help but think about where else she wants your hands. On her face, maybe her torso or lower on her body like her legs and inner thigh. She wants to quickly shakes these thoughts away the second they get more inappropriate as she feels like she shouldn't but it's so addicting.
Its now 7:58, you keep checking the clock over and over again awaiting your first patient of the day. Mary and Isabel are off in the back talking about god knows what but they are probably gossiping as that's what they always do. Your first patient comes in at 8:15 so you have some time to do whatever you want but you just want to think about Ellie and what to say to her when she eventually comes in. You can't take it anymore and go outside on the porch of the house pulling out a lighter and a crinkled cigarette box. Two pathetic cigarettes sit inside. you light one as you put them back in your pocket.
These weren't as hard to come by as you thought they were. Sure, you'd have to trade some things to actually get them but the second you inhale and you taste that bitter, minty taste that soothes your ache is priceless. this is a disgusting habit, you know, but nothing really beats that burn in your lungs that it gives you. You inhale once more, hearing the small crackle from the tip of the cigarette as you watch all the people that are now awake and walking around. you exhale and watch closely, almost as if you are observing animals at a zoo.