Loki sucked in a gasp, but the air stung his lungs. It felt foreign- like his lungs weren’t made to breathe it in.
The shackles on his wrists and ankles pinned him to the metal slab. He tried pulling on them, but he couldn’t move an inch. He didn’t know if it was the fear, or if it was something they injected him with.
His eyes were plastered to the ceiling above, the exposed pipes, the dripping of water. Each drop would echo through the room as it fell into the puddle below. His eyes shifted quickly, his gaze going as far to the corner of his eyes as he could manage. He could see the stone walls, the mold almost acting like wallpaper.
Each breath he took his lungs grew tighter, his nose burned with every inhale. The stench of the room was almost unbearable.
He tried pulling at the restraints again, but he wasn’t doing much. He heard a whimper, and he guessed it came from him. He opened his mouth to cry for help, but the door at the top of the steps opened. The little bit of air that was in his lungs, immediately left. His eyes jumped frantically, he tried picking up his neck, turning his head in any direction to try to see who it was, but nothing.
He laid practically still.
In his head he was kicking and screaming, that just wasn’t showing on the outside.
His tongue fell heavy in his mouth, he felt like he might choke on it.
The footsteps were loud as they walked slowly down the rusted metal stairs, he could hear a gloved hand sliding down the railing, and the sound of something scratching against the metal.
It was a sickening sound, like nails on a chalkboard. It was engraved into his mind, the feeling it gave him, the way his gut twisted and his ears ached- he would never forget it.
The sound grew closer as they got to the bottom of the stairs. Loki whimpered again, seeming to be the only sound that he could produce.
As they approached the edge of the table, Loki’s eyes widened. He could see his reflection on the surface of the creature’s (man’s?) helmet. It didn’t look right, it didn’t feel right. He looked disoriented, but maybe that’s what he looks like? Loki tried to scream, but only a whimper escaped. The creature stood at the side of the table, he raised the object that he had been scraping alongside the railing.
Loki’s heart stopped, as the fluorescent lights shined in the reflection of the saw the creature held up.
Before Loki could even attempt to scream or protest, the saw was grating away into Loki’s flesh, just above his knee.
Loki’s back arched as he sat up. His screams finally pierced through the void and into his own ears. He stared into darkness, but he felt weight around him- arms. He kicked and screamed, fighting whoever was in the darkness with him. He felt a hand against the side of his head, and he was pulled into a strong warm chest. Loki was still panicking, still sobbing and choking on gasps of air. But as his ear was pressed against their chest, Loki began to calm at the steady sound of their heart beat. Slowly, it was like the cotton was pulled from his ears and sounds filtered in again.
“Shshsh, it’s okay,” He heard his brother say softly, continuing to run his fingers through Loki’s tangled hair. “You’re alright, you’re here, Loki. You’re safe.” Thor said like a matra beside him. Loki’s breathing was still quick and not nearly deep enough to get any actual air in his lungs, but he had stopped fighting. He relaxed in his brother’s arms, his head falling against Thor’s shoulders.
It was quiet between the two for a while. Loki’s hand found a wad of Thor’s shirt and he clutched it tightly.
Thor continued to soothe his brother, glancing down worriedly, seeing Loki’s eyes squeezed shut, and his face holding a pinch of pain.
Thor rubbed Loki’s arm, squeezing slightly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked in a hushed voice. He felt his brother’s head shake against his chest. “Okay,” Thor replied, holding Loki closer. “Do you need anything?” He asked a little while later. Loki shook his head again, but Thor felt his nails dig into his belly as Loki tightened his fist around his shirt.
“But d-don’t leave.”
Thor immediately shook his head, “I’m not going anywhere, brother.” Thor climbed further into the bed, laying down beside his brother, Loki still had his face shoved in Thor’s side, his arm wrapped over Thor’s torso. Thor stared up at the ceiling, feeling his brother’s shoulders start to tremble as he quietly cried beside him. Thor’s chest ached, his stomach twisting in knots. He knew there wasn’t much he could do, even though he was desperate to help his brother.
Thor rubbed Loki’s arm, feeling the chill in his brother’s skin. The older god planted a soft kiss on his brother’s head, squeezing his arm reassuringly.
“I’m not going anywhere,” He repeated under his breath, “I promise.”
***
Thor stood in the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee.
He took a sip, leaning back against the counter. He glanced at the glowing digital numbers on the stove. He had been up for an hour now, well… he’s been out of bed for an hour now. He never actually fell back asleep once he had jumped out of his own bed and ran down the hall at the sound of his brother’s screams. He wouldn’t say he’s exactly gotten used to being woken up by horrific sounds of terror in the middle of the night… but it’s becoming a common occurrence as of late.
Thor sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
His eyes burned and he didn’t feel well rested at all. His knees and back ached, and his head was starting to throb. Nor him or his brother had a proper night’s rest in quite some time… Probably close to a year now, if Thor had to say. Thor couldn’t necessarily blame Loki for waking him up, he knew his brother didn’t choose to have terrifying nightmares every night. The only thing that bothered Thor was his lack of actually helping his brother. Sure he was there when he woke up, he helped him calm down, and gave him a shoulder to cry on, but he couldn’t prevent his brother’s nightmares. So he felt absolutely useless.
Thor glanced at the clock again.
Loki hadn’t been ready to get up when Thor had finally decided to roll out of bed, so Thor tried to give his brother a little extra time sleeping in. But an hour was unfortunately all he could grant him, they had somewhere to be soon.
Thor set his mug down on the counter as he left the kitchen and crossed through the living room, walking towards his brother’s bedroom down the hall. He didn’t bother knocking, the door was already partially open. He pushed it a little further as he stepped into the dark room.
Thor was sure his brother would start to feel better if he ever let actual light into the room. His curtains were dark and always tightly drawn, they never let even a sliver of sunlight in. But Thor never brought it up, he didn’t feel like hassling his brother more than he already had to.
When Thor entered the room, Loki was curled up in the middle of his bed, his back facing the door, the blankets pooling at his waist.
Thor stood in the doorway a moment, his eyes lingering on the visible knots of his brother’s spine that showed through the fabric of his shirt. Thor swallowed uncomfortably, clearing his throat to let his brother know he was there.
“Are you ready to get up?” Thor asked, taking a few steps towards the bed. His eyes fell to the crowded bedside table, cluttered with bottles of pills and medication. All of which Thor couldn’t see to be working for his brother.
Thor’s eyes went back to his brother, hearing Loki huff slightly as he reluctantly rolled onto his back. His eyes opened slightly to stare blankly at the ceiling.
Thor chewed on the inside of his cheek. They’ve had the same routine for a year now, but yet Thor was still overwhelmed with anxiety every morning. He swiped the empty glass off the table, “I’ll be right back,” He said, slipping out of the room to fill up the glass.
Loki remained in bed upon Thor’s return. Thor wasn’t really expecting him to move.
Loki dragged his hands down his face, his fingertips kneading his tired eyes. While Thor sorted through the collection of medication, trying to find the right ones.
He held a palm full of pills out for his brother, with a ready glass of water in the other hand.
Loki glanced at Thor’s outstretched hand, and then he sighed letting his hands fall back down to his sides. He sat up on his elbows, getting his balance and then held his hand out for Thor to dump the meds into.
Thor took an awkward step back after he handed the glass of water to his brother. He retrieved the wheelchair that rested at the corner of the bed, he brought it closer. He took the glass back, setting it on the table, while Loki proceeded to try and sit up the rest of the way. He struggled, and Thor was forced to stand and watch, he knew if he reached out to help, he would receive a slap to the wrist or a cold glare.
Loki was able to push himself up against the headboard, his breathing was quick and shallow. His muscles ached and his face was starting to get hot. Either from exhaustion or humiliation, he didn’t quite know yet.
Thor took a step forward, but still kept his hands back, he was waiting for Loki to specifically say that he was ready to get out of bed. He had rushed him once before, and let’s just say Loki’s ability to bite his head off was still very much intact. But eventually Loki flickered his eyes up at Thor, before he huffed as he threw the blankets to the side. Thor told himself he wouldn’t look down, he had been doing really good lately. He knew it made Loki uncomfortable when people acknowledged it. So Thor ignored the absence of his brother’s legs, and the gut twisting scars that were left on his thighs where they had been forcibly removed.
Thor leaned forward, putting his hands under Loki’s arms, pulling him to the edge of the bed. Loki hadn’t acquired enough upper body strength yet to do these things on his own, and he knew that… as humiliating as it might be or seem, he allowed Thor to help him… and he was secretly quite grateful for it.
Thor lifted Loki off the bed and got him into the chair. Loki huffed, tugging at his shirt, avoiding eye contact with his brother. They’ve been doing this a year now, and somehow they have always avoided conversation through the whole process. Which both of them were silently thankful for.
Thor reached for the handle bars on the back of the chair, but he was met with the flick of Loki’s hand as he waved him off.
“I got it.” He huffed under his breath.
Thor pulled his hands back, “Okay, okay,” He said, taking a few steps out of the room. Loki sighed, his shoulders slumping as he was left alone in the stupid chair.
Thor returned to his coffee, taking a sip, and then proceeded to pour Loki a cup, and top his own off. He turned around, setting the fresh cup on the table as Loki came through the doorway. He brought his chair to the open space around the table, where the original chair had been removed and placed elsewhere a long time ago. Thor slid the mug across the table a couple inches where it would be more accessible to Loki.
Thor stood back up as Loki reached for the cup. They drank their coffee in silence like they did almost every morning.
“You have a doctor’s appointment in an hour.” Thor announced. He waited for Loki to react, but his brother didn’t really do that anymore. Thor was so used to his antics, his dramatic flair. Thor once found it annoying or aggravating how Loki always managed to have a response to everything, or always felt the need to comment… But Loki didn’t say much these days. He wasn’t as sarcastic, or playful, he didn’t make witty comments under his breath, or do hilariously accurate impressions of people to make his brother laugh… He was quiet now… numb.
Thor knew it was a mix of a lot of things. His trauma, his recent experiences, the long stays in the hospitals, the surgeries, the meds, the nightmares, the pain….
Loki nodded, making Thor shift uncomfortably. He honestly found himself wishing for his brother to lash out at him some days. He wished Loki would express anything - even if it was rage or anger, Thor would take it. He was just so sick of seeing his brother so gray.
Thor knew he was depressed, hell they both were. But his brother’s depression wasn’t sadness, it wasn’t that constant feeling of loss, it was hopelessness. It was probably partially brought on by the effects of the meds, but Loki didn’t feel anything anymore. They both knew it, it was pretty obvious at times. He felt as though his life had no real meaning, he didn’t see the point in therapy, or eating, or trying.
That was a whole other conversation by itself.
Thor cleared his throat, pulling a chair out from under the table and took a seat. “I have a meeting, so I won’t be able to bring you home.” Thor said, tapping his finger against his mug. “Valkyrie said she would meet us at the hospital, if-” The blonde trailed off, “If that’s alright?” Thor raised his eyebrows, waiting patiently for his brother’s reply.
Loki’s head had been down since his arrival, his eyes stayed glued to the table, or downcasted further to the floor or his lap.
“Yeah, that’s fine.” He said. His voice rarely went above a whisper most days.
Thor chewed on his lip anxiously, “Do you want something to eat? I can fix breakfast-”
“I’m not hungry.” Loki responded quickly.
Thor’s chest burned with anxiety, “You really need to eat, Loki.” He said softly. He watched his brother duck his head further, like he was trying at all cost to avoid Thor’s gaze. “You haven’t eaten anything in the past two days.”
“Yes, I have.” Loki argued quietly. His eyes only coming up for a second before they quickly drifted back down.
Thor sighed, “Loki, no you haven’t.” He said, shaking his head.
Loki’s nails nervously scratched the surface of the table.
“I don’t want to eat.” He mumbled.
“Why?” Thor asked softly. His voice was calm and gentle as he tried to understand. He had his hands clasped together on top of the table, his attention focused on his brother as he actively leaned forward, waiting for his brother’s explanation.
The kitchen fell into an uncomfortable silence. Both brothers waiting for the other to speak: Thor wanting Loki to explain, and Loki praying for Thor to change the subject.
Once Loki realized that his brother wasn’t going to let up, he swallowed thickly, bringing his head up an inch so he could look at his brother.
“Because everything tastes bad.” He mumbled quietly.
Thor’s brows pressed, he tried hard to understand, “What does it taste like?” He saw how Loki almost looked sick at the question, like he was imagining it. Thor quickly shook his head, “Nevermind, you- you don’t have to tell me.” He added, leaning on the table. Thor tapped his knuckles on the table for a moment, “But you have to eat something, Loki.” He saw the discomfort in his brother’s face, “You can’t just starve.”
“I’m not starving-”
“Yeah. not yet.” Thor argued, feeling a pang of guilt as he watched Loki flinch back at his words. Thor sat back in his chair, his fingers tapping his knees as his eyes scanned the kitchen, “Come on, what about toast? Or- a granola bar? An apple?” Thor suggested hopefully.
Loki didn’t respond right away, but he eventually nodded shortly, “Fine. Toast is fine.” He mumbled. Thor felt relief wash over him.
Thor sat the plate down in front of Loki, toast fixed and prepared. Thor wasted time in the kitchen long enough to see his brother eat at least one slice, before excusing himself to go get dressed. When Thor left his bedroom, he passed Loki’s open door, seeing his brother in the process of changing his shirt.
He huffed, managing to pull the shirt over his head, he tossed it to his bed. Looking up through the mess of tangled hair, he saw Thor’s worried eyes. They trailed over his body, his mouth partially agape. But as soon as Thor realized Loki had caught him, he clicked his mouth shut and straightened up, entering the room. He ignored his brother’s prominent ribs, and ugly scars that covered his pale ashen discolored skin.
Thor went to Loki’s closet, thankful for a chance to hide his concerned expression while he shoved his attention into the mess of his brother’s clothing. Thor swiped multiple hangers as he searched, he heard Loki huff from behind him, crossing his arms over his bare chest.
“It’s not that big of a deal, Thor. Just pick a damn shirt.” He said.
“You still need to look nice.” Thor said back.
“Why? They’re just going to take my clothes off when I get there and poke around my body.” Loki muttered under his breath.
Thor sighed, grabbing a gray shirt off the hanger and turned around to face his brother. “You know, there once was a time you wouldn’t leave the house without a particular time spent on deciding what to wear or how you looked.” Loki swiped the shirt from his hands.
“Yeah, well, I guess I had people to impress back then.” He said, pulling the shirt on, tugging it down his torso.
“Well, you could impress me, if you’d like.” Thor quipped, Loki glared up at him, and Thor fought against a soft smirk creeping to his lips. “Just a suggestion, brother.” Loki rolled his eyes as Thor walked over to his dresser, grabbing his brother a pair of sweatpants.
***
Thor smiled at the nurse behind the desk. They had gotten quite familiar with each other. Her name was Mindy, she had just gotten married a couple months prior, they took their honeymoon in Italy. Thor had heard all about the trip, and the wedding, he had even leaned over the counter to view the many photos she was excited to share. All while his brother reluctantly nodded along, much rather wanting to be anywhere else during their polite conversations.
Thor signed the clipboard, continuing their small talk.
“You’re a little early, so it’ll be a few minutes until Dr. Solberg will be able to see you.” She said as she typed at her computer.
“That’s no problem.” Thor smiled, glancing towards Loki, and Thor had to fight not to let his facade fall. He gave the nurse one last smile and nod, taking the handles of his brother’s chair and led them into the waiting room. As Thor turned away from the desk, he swallowed uncomfortably. He placed Loki’s chair, and took a seat beside him, wiping his hands on his pants legs anxiously.
Thor glanced towards his brother again. All he could see was a broken man - not his brother at all. Loki was slumped forward, he was pale and thin. His hair wasn’t fixed, his clothes hung off his frame. His shoulders were hitched up to his ears as he doubled forward an inch, his hands fidgeting in his lap.
Thor knew his brother was tired of these visits, Thor was tired too. He knew they were supposed to be for his brother’s good, but it was getting hard to see any actual positive effects anymore. At first, they were a little harder, Thor guessed he should be thankful that they’re past those parts. No more surgeries, scans, or mri’s. No more days spent in these dingy rooms and cold hallways. Now the visits last for maybe an hour, depending on if Loki was being honest or not.
Thor knew his brother didn’t share all of his discomforts or true feelings sometimes, but he never felt like it was his place to call his brother out in front of his doctors.
Thor took a deep breath, his eyes scanning the rest of the room. Only a couple of chairs were taken. Thor looked towards Loki again, he clapped a hand on his brother’s back, squeezing his shoulders. He felt Loki tense immediately under his touch.
“I’ll be home later, I can pick up something for dinner if you’d like? Something we haven’t had in a while?” Thor said, trying to start a conversation with his brother. They had barely spoken on the ride here. (They barely spoke at all anymore).
Loki only shrugged, keeping his eyes on his hands as he pulled at the fringe on the hem of the blanket that was covering his lower half. Thor’s eyes softened, his grip on his shoulder did too. He was trying, he was really trying- but he just didn’t know what to do. His meaningless comments and attempts at conversation or interaction had clearly failed to work so far.
“Whatever you want,” Loki mumbled, “It doesn’t matter to me.”
Thor knew that translated to, I’m not going to eat it anyway, Thor sighed, retreating his hand away from his brother. They fell back into a familiar silence. They listened to the soft spoken conversations from the other people in the room and the chatter of the tv in the corner.
Thor had drifted off in his head, he hadn’t caught exactly what his brother had just mumbled under his breath. Thor flinched out of his thoughts, turning his attention to Loki who was still looking down.
“What did you say, brother?” Thor asked, leaning towards him. Loki was so soft spoken nowadays, especially when they were in public. He really wasn’t expecting Loki to repeat himself, Thor was prepared for his brother to shrug and mumble something along the lines of, “Nothing” or “It wasn’t important.” But that wasn’t the case.
“I said I hate this place.” He muttered under his breath, his eyes flickering up to scan the room for just a moment, before they returned back down to his fidgeting hands. Thor tilted his head, his arm coming around his brother’s chair, as he too surveyed the room once again.
“I know,” Thor said, sighing heavily, “But hopefully there won’t be very many more.” He said, squeezing Loki’s shoulder. “Or at least they’ll be more spread out, maybe.” Thor shrugged, trying to be positive, or at least better his brother’s mood.
Loki’s eyes crept up again, Thor watched his brother’s green eyes follow the group of doctors that passed in the hallway. Loki swallowed thickly, looking back down as he shifted uncomfortably. Thor leaned in, beginning to ask what troubled him before Loki cut him off.
“He wore a white coat,” He confessed under his breath. Thor froze, his eyes going slightly wide, his hand unintentionally squeezing Loki again. The younger god’s eyes glanced up at the older the blonde for just a moment, and Thor felt his chest begin to ache. The look in his brother’s eyes - he had seen it way too many times in their young lifetimes; it was pain, it was fear, it was loss.
Loki shrugged, looking away, “I guess I never told you that.” He muttered.
“Loki-” Thor started, his voice drenched with concern, but both their attention snapped to the young nurse who stepped into the room holding a clipboard.
“Mr. Laufeyson?” She had said, both their heads popped up, and she gave them a warm smile, nodding in the direction of the hall. “If you would please follow me.”
Thor nodded, clearing his throat awkwardly as he stood. Loki gave no indication of wanting to push himself, his hands stayed glued to his lap and his head stayed down, so Thor wheeled his brother down the hall. They followed the nurse into the small medical room. Thor took a step back after placing Loki, he waited for his brother to kick him out of the room, but he didn’t. Thor was torn because he didn’t know if Loki wanted him to stay or not, and he knew better than to verbally ask him in front of this young, relatively attractive nurse. So Thor turned slightly, awkwardly wiping his hands down his pants leg as he took a seat in the chair in the corner.
***
Thor stayed quiet during the check up. He wanted to speak up a couple of times, when the nurse asked a few routine questions and Loki didn’t answer them honestly. But Thor held his tongue, if the doctor or nurse asked him personally, then he’d say something, but he wasn’t just going to butt in.
The nurse told them it would be a few more minutes until the doctor could see him, so they sat in silence and waited. Thor leaned back in the chair, mindlessly playing with a cotton ball he had snatched from the counter.
His eyes trailed over his brother. His posture and position was similar to what it was earlier; hunched over and sunk in on himself.
Thor glanced to the door, and then shifted so he could sit on the edge of his chair.
“Do you want me to help you get on the table?” Loki looked at him, “You know he’s going to ask when he gets in here, so I just thought, you would rather do it now then-” Loki cut off his brother’s rambling by nodding, beginning to move his blanket aside. Thor stood, somewhat surprised even though he was the one who suggested it. He put his hands under his brother’s arms and hoisted him up onto the table. He stood there a second, not for any particular reason, he just paused.
“I might as well take these off too,” Loki mumbled under his breath. Thor glanced down to Loki as he began to wiggle out of his sweatpants. Thor leaned forward, beginning to help.
Thor took a step back, folding the pants across his arm then laying them across the back of Loki’s chair. His eyes stayed down, he didn’t want to look at his brother’s absence of limbs and scarred skin. “Do- Do you want this?” Thor asked, his fingers trailing over the blanket thrown over the arm of the chair, Loki shook his head. Thor slid his hands into his jean pockets as he rocked on his heels awkwardly, (he shouldn't be this awkward around his own brother), he turned back towards Loki, “Do you want me to leave when he comes in?”
Loki shook his head.
“Oh, okay.” Thor nodded.
“Not unless you want to-” Loki scratched at his arm, “Or need to. I forgot you had a meeting, if you have to go, you can-”
“No, no, I have time.” Thor said, putting his hand on his brother’s back. He felt Loki slowly relax into his touch, but he still noticed his brother’s constant fidgeting with his hands, or the nervous twitch in his lips, or how his eyes were constantly moving, never landing on just one thing. Thor’s eyes drifted to his brother's hands as they squeezed the top of his legs, his face pinching slightly with pain.
“Does it hurt?” Loki glanced up at him, confused for a second, then he followed Thor’s eyes down to his thighs where his hands rested.
Loki shrugged, clearing his throat, “I think it’s just the place.” He admitted looking around, “There- There’s a lot of similarities… It just makes me think of it.” He whispered softly, his nails scratching at the uncomfortable plastic on the stiff mattress he sat on.
“Why didn’t you tell me that, Loki?” Thor said almost desperately. Loki looked at him, shrugging.
“It wouldn’t have done anything.”
Thor opened his mouth to argue, but he didn’t really have anything to say. He knew Loki was probably right. Sure, this place brought forth some unwanted memories for his brother, but they didn’t have a choice but to be here. When Loki was rescued, he spent the following weeks in the hospital. Then for the months to pass he was in and out of surgeries, and scans, and prolonged treatments, and now regular check ups. There really wasn’t anything Thor could do about his brother’s discomfort with hospitals or doctors…. Thor honestly was starting to feel as of late that he couldn’t do anything for Loki.
Thor’s hand fell off his brother’s back, and he sighed, scratching the back of his neck as he returned to his seat in the corner.
“You’ve mentioned all of this to Dr. Thorn, right?” Thor glanced over his shoulder, catching Loki’s eyes to quickly revert away. “Loki,” Thor growled.
“It’s not important-” Loki muttered, fidgeting with the hem of his shorts. Subconsciously trying to tug them down further to cover up his mutilated skin.
“Loki, she’s your psychiatrist,” Thor threw his arms, “Everything is important to her! She needs to know this stuff so she can help you.” Loki shook his head slightly at that last part, his eyes looking to the corner of the room away from Thor. The older god’s arms slowly returned back to his sides as he solemnly looked towards his brother.
“What, Loki?” He asked.
Loki shook his head again, looking down as he messed with his hands in his lap, “It doesn’t matter,” He shrugged, “Forget about it.” He mumbled.
“No, don’t do that- Come on, talk to me. What’s wrong?” Thor practically begged, but Loki only continued to shake his head, tugging at his shirt sleeve.
Thor threw his head back slightly, huffing through his nose as he leaned back in his seat. He ran his hands through his hair as he stared down at the floor.
He didn’t feel like he was ever going to get through to him. Like he was ever going to get real and honest answers, learn how he truly felt, what he really went through.
Thor knows Loki sugarcoats it, he has for a year now. He refuses to tell Thor all of the details, hell- he barely tells him anything. Thor knows it’s probably just too hard for him to talk about, and he gets that. He doesn’t want to force his brother into something he’s not comfortable with. But he just believes that if he knew what Loki experienced maybe he could help him more, maybe he could relate, maybe he could ease the pain or the painful memories. Hell, even knowing Loki’s possible triggers could fucking help him, but his brother is reluctant to share any information.
Today is the first time in weeks that he’s mentioned it with exact details, like the coat and the similar vibe or surroundings of the hospital. Thor always made sure to drink these moments in the best he could.
The room fell into silence. The only sounds were the muffled voices of the nurses outside, and the obnoxious ticking of the clock on the wall.
Thor looked back up at his brother, trying to figure out something to say. He knows his attempts at small talk never work, but the silence makes him so uncomfortable. He feels like he hasn’t been able to actually talk to his brother since everything happened. He feels as though all of their conversations are coated with this underlying tragedy, that that’s all they talk about, that that’s all Loki is now… A victim.
Thor unintentionally released a shuddered breath that left his body feeling cold.
Loki glanced at him, a flash of worry coming across his face. It was quickly washed away as he flinched at the sudden opening of the door. Dr. Solberg entered with a clip board of the previous nurse’s notes. He smiled at Thor and Loki both upon entering, closing the door behind him.
“How are you doing today, Mr. Laufeyson?” He said, flipping a page back on the clipboard.
“I’m-” The doctor glanced up at Loki, “I’m fine.” Thor slumped as Loki shrugged. He secretly hated sitting in here with him, he tried so hard to keep his mouth shut. He just wanted to tell the doctor everything, everything that Loki wasn’t saying.
Dr. Solberg nodded, “That’s good to hear,” He looked up from the clipboard, giving Loki his full attention, “It seems you’ve lost a few pounds since your last visit. Have you been following the diet we set for you?”
Thor’s face fell a little, a pang of guilt rested sharp in the middle of his chest.
He waited for his brother to lie, but he didn’t. He looked up to see Loki shaking his head. Dr. Solberg nodded, placing the clipboard on the counter.
“Well,” He started, “I’m really concerned about your weight.” Loki looked away, nervously scratching his arm, “You’re malnourished, and I don’t feel comfortable starting you in physical therapy until I know you have the strength and stamina to perform their tasks comfortably.” Loki nodded, swallowing thickly. Thor wiped his palms on his pants leg, he watched as the tips of his brother’s ears grew red with embarrassment.
“So, what do you suggest?” Thor asked, clearing his throat. He was trying to get a little bit of the attention off Loki, which worked because the mortal physician turned towards the older god. Thor glanced towards his brother, trying to gauge whether or not he should have stepped in. But as far as Thor could tell, Loki looked grateful. (He looked exhausted and uninterested, but Thor took what he could get).
***
Thor stepped out into the hall, the door clicking shut behind him. His brother was still being examined and interrogated, but Thor was cutting it close on time. He looked at his watch again, chewing on his lip nervously. He didn’t want to leave, but he had missed too many meetings already.
He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, seeing the message from Valkyrie. He didn’t have time to open it however, because her voice caught his attention.
“Hey,” He looked up, seeing her approaching from down the hall. He smiled briefly, sliding the device back into its designated place. “Am I late? I tried to hurry-”
“No, no, you’re fine-” Thor looked over his shoulder at the closed door behind him. He took a step away from it, Valkyrie following him with a skeptical look. He leaned on the wall, talking to her quietly, “We didn’t get very good news.” He rubbed his chin, his eyes down towards the floor.
“What’s wrong?” She said nervously.
“He has to have surgery tomorrow.”
“Another one?” Valkyrie shook her head, “Fuck, what for this time?”
“They want to reinsert his feeding tube.” Thor explained, a hand rubbing the back of his neck.
She crossed her arms, “I told you they never should have taken it out.”
“I know, I know,” He mumbled, “He- He was getting better, I thought…” Thor sighed, his arms falling to his sides. “I just wanted you to know, because he’s not necessarily happy about it. He might be in a mood when you take him home.”
Valkyrie huffed, “When is he not?” Thor glared at her, she held up her hands, “I know. Sorry, sorry.”
Thor sighed, “They shouldn’t be much longer. I’ll try to be home as soon as possible.” Valkyrie waved him off as he started his way down the hall towards the exit. His eyes lingered on the door to Loki’s room before he finally turned his head and continued on his way.
Valkyrie leaned back against the wall, getting comfortable. She looked both ways down the hall, watching the passersby, and nurses as they busied about. Her eyes fell to the floor. She had spent just about the same amount of time in this place as Thor has.
During Loki’s first few weeks after he was recused, he spent most of the time in and out of a deep feverish sleep. Valkyrie kept Thor company, and watched over the younger prince whenever she managed to convince Thor to go home and shower, or to get some rest of his own.
She sighed, her and Loki had never really been friends - she didn’t really think they were now either. But they had some sort of relationship. She just didn’t know how to label it. She guessed it was just a mutual understanding.
She kicked off of the wall when the door to her left suddenly opened. The doctor stepped out, seemingly searching for Thor. His eyes landed on her, and he seemed to recognize her. She had picked Loki up before on multiple other occasions.
“Ah - Valkyrie, is it?” He said with an outstretched hand.
“Yes,” She nodded politely.
“He’s all ready to go. I believe Mr. Odinson knows that he needs to be back here tomorrow morning.” Valkyrie nodded, “Then he’s all yours.” He gestured to the room behind him. Dr. Solberg walked away, leaving Valkyrie to take a deep breath before entering.
She poked her head in, seeing Loki pulling his tshirt back over his head, having removed it for the examination. She stepped into the room, swallowing the lump in her throat.
“You ready to go?” He looked at her, and she couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah, I know. I shouldn’t even have asked.” She walked forward, her eyes scanning his things, “What do you need?”
“My pants.” He said quietly.
She grabbed the sweats off of his chair, “Do you need help?” He swiped them from her hand, she watched his ears burn a little bit. “You know there’s no shame in asking for help, Loki.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” He muttered, “You’re not the one asking for it.”
***
Valkyrie unlocked the front door of the princes’ house, holding it open for him. She followed in suit. Which seemed to surprise Loki, as he glanced over his shoulder, wheeling himself down the hall and into the living room.
He huffed, “I don’t need a babysitter. You can leave.”
“Thor asked me to stay.”
“I know he did, and I’m telling you - you can leave.”
Valkyrie crossed her arms, coming to stand at the end of the couch. Loki was at the other end, wedged between the front of the couch and the coffee table, just enough space between the two in order to fit his chair. Valkyrie didn’t say anything, she just waited and watched.
Loki’s nails dug into the arms of his chair, “Will you please lease?” He asked, thoroughly annoyed now.
“No,” Valkyrie stated plainly, “I told Thor I would stay until he got home.”
Loki rolled his eyes, starting to back himself up. Valkyrie lunged forward, her hands gripping the arms of Loki’s chair, keeping him in place. He flinched back at the sudden jolt of action and at the warriors' proximity.
“Let go,” He said through gritted teeth, glaring up at her.
“No.” She leaned closer, pulling the brake levers of his chair. “Get on the couch.” She stood up, crossing her arms, “It’s what you wanted to do, wasn’t it?” Valkyrie knew this was the only tv they had in the house, but she also didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. Any other time, she would have just let it slide. She would have happily complied and let Loki retreat to his room and shut the door. But she didn’t exactly know what had gotten into her, she was overwhelmed with the urge to prove something. Exactly what - she didn’t quite know yet.
Loki glared up at her for the longest time. Finally his eyes shifted to the couch next to him. She watched his nails dig into his thighs covered by the blanket.
“You can ask me for help-”
“No!” It was the first time in over a year that she had heard him raise his voice. She took a sudden step back, genuinely surprised by the outcry. “No, I can’t.” He clenched his jaw to the point it might actually lock that way.
“Yes you can. You just don’t want to.” She kept her voice level.
Loki’s ears were burning, and his cheeks were beginning to feel the same way. He didn’t have to look at Valkyrie to recognize what laid in her eyes.
“Stop looking at me like that.” He hissed under his breath, keeping his head turned to the blank tv screen, “Stop looking at me like you’re sorry for me.”
“I am sorry for you-”
“Well, don’t be! Okay? I never asked you to be.” Valkyrie flinched again, but she couldn’t ignore the feeling growing in her chest. She felt as though she was achieving something. “I never asked anyone to be. I hate the way you all look at me.”
“Loki we don’t-”
“I don’t need your pity. I don’t want it.” He spat those words in her face, finally looking at her.
She knew he wanted her to ignore the tears welling in his eyes, or the tremble of his hands. She shook her head, “Loki it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to feel mad, or upset. No one is going to shame you for it.” She knelt down to his level, her hand reaching for his, “Just like no one is going to shame you for asking for help.”
“But I’m tired of it!” He pulled his hands away, tears freely streaming down his blotchy cheeks now, “I’m so sick and tired of asking for help! I don’t want it - I don’t fucking want it.” He hid behind his hands, his nails digging into his scalp and his shoulders shaking with every weak and shuddered gasp he managed to take.
Valkyrie stayed quiet for a moment. Her hand was still hovering, but no longer over his hand, which made her hesitate further. Eventually, as she held her breath, she gently placed her hand on top of Loki’s leg. She felt him tense, and he immediately sucked in a sharp breath, but she didn’t move.
“But you need it.” She said softly, “And that’s okay, Loki.”
Loki shook his head, still trying to fight against the tears. He rubbed his eyes roughly, sniffling as he uncovered his face. His eyes were swollen a little, his cheeks red and blotchy. His hands came to rest back in his lap, his fingers delicately running over Valkyrie’s, almost like he was afraid to touch her.
“This thing happened to you - it shouldn’t have, but it did.” She said after some time of silence. “And I am sorry, Thor’s sorry-”
“Yeah, I know, everyone’s always sorry.” He muttered, sucking in a breath.
“It’s because it’s all we can be.”
He glanced up at her, through the curtain of curls that had fallen into his view.
“Trust me, Loki,” She squeezed his hand, and his eyes darted down to the action. “If we could be anything else - we would be. If we could change what happened - we would. If we could take your pain away - we would. In a heartbeat. Thor would do it for you - I would do it for you.” She looked into his pale green eyes, now drained of color from months of restless sleep and stress. “But we can’t… And we’re-”
“Sorry?” He smirked, and she thought her heart actually skipped a beat. She used to think that stupid smirk of his was annoying - that he was annoying. But after going so long without it, she honestly would admit that she missed it.
She smiled warmly, her thumb rubbing over his knuckles. She glanced towards the tv, then slowly stood back up, pushing off of her knees.
“Do you want to watch something? Thor said he would try to get home as fast as he could, but I think the council members are going to try to hold him for as long as possible.” She crossed her arms.
Loki chewed his lip, his eyes focused on the couch. He swallowed thickly, nodding, “Sure.”
***
Thor came through the house with a huff, shutting the door behind him. He ran his hands through his hair, shaking his head. He should have known they would try to shove a month's worth of meetings he’s missed into one briefing.
The house was dark, but he could see the glow from the tv illuminating the living room and glowing out into the hall. He dragged a hand down his face, his shoulders slumping as he tried to quietly kick his shoes off by the door.
He would have to apologize to Valkyrie later, he was sure she probably went home hours ago.
He hoped she at least got Loki to eat something at some point. He knew he had his surgery tomorrow, but still, the thought of his brother going all day with just a piece of toast in his stomach irked him.
Maybe this was his fault… If Thor had been more strict with Loki, if he had actually made him stick to his diet, then they wouldn’t have to go through this again. Thor sighed, pulling his jacket off as he walked through the living room. He stopped as he was about to toss his jacket over the back of his recliner.
He looked to Valkyrie who was folded up and asleep in the chair, and to his brother, who was asleep on the couch. The glow of the tv still dancing across their faces.
Thor gently folded his jacket across the chair and tapped Valkyrie on the shoulder.
She flinched, looking up at him suddenly. He held his hands up as she took a second to fully wake up. She looked around, sitting up straighter.
“What time is it?” She whispered, her fingers digging into her eyes.
“Almost 3 am.” He answered, looking over his shoulder at Loki who was still sound asleep.
“Ha. I knew they were going to keep you as long as possible.”
Thor rolled his eyes, “You can stay on the couch if you want, so you don’t have to walk home. I can take Loki to his room.”
“Yeah okay,” Valkyrie agreed, stretching her arms. She stood quickly, grabbing Thor’s arm before he was able to reach Loki. “Hey, I uh,” He turned to her, “I think you and Loki need to talk… I mean, I think it’s time you guys finally talk about it.”
Thor’s breath hitched.
“It’s not a conversation either of you are particularly going to enjoy. I’m sure it will be hard. But I - I think he needs it. I think you both do.”
Thor nodded solemnly.
He approached Loki carefully, sliding his arms under his body with tender and gentle care. Loki would get like this every so often. He was usually a light sleeper, but his nights were interrupted by terrors anyway - so many nights were restless. But after days or weeks of sleepless nights, his body would get to the point where it wouldn’t wake for anything.
Thor was glad it seemed like this was one of those nights. He was grateful for it. He was able to carry his brother to bed without so much of a complaint or even a sleep-drenched whine.
Thor laid him down gently, pushing his tangled curls out of his face with calloused but delicate fingers.
He knew Valkyrie was right. This conversation with his brother was one that he had been dreading for a while, but it was equally long overdue.
He pulled the covers up to Loki’s chest, planting a soft kiss on the top of his head. As he was about to close the door, he looked over his shoulder.
There was this twist of anxiety.
He sighed, leaving the door cracked, but staying in the room. He returned to his brother’s bed, walking around to the other side. He shimmied out of his jeans, pulling the band of his boxers up an inch as he climbed into bed.
Thor settled down, staring up at the ceiling with his hand over his stomach. He glanced towards his brother.
Maybe Loki wouldn’t need him tonight, he was tired. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t have a nightmare - it just meant that his body probably wouldn’t allow him to wake from it. Which, in Thor’s past experiences, brought on the worst mornings.
Or maybe it would be a good night - Loki has had a few of those. Sure, they’re rare, and far in between - but they happen.
Thor sighed, staring up at the ceiling again. Letting his eyes slowly fall beneath the weight of much needed sleep.
Maybe Loki wouldn’t need him tonight - Maybe it was Thor who needed him.