Making An Entrance
Wade looked down at the small time machine on his wrist.
“Let’s see…just killed Ryan Reynolds, so what’s next?”
“What’s the one thing that you would fix if you could?” Weasel asked, pouring him a drink.
The mercenary took a sip.
“Well, I already saved Vanessa, so I don’t know…” he trailed off as he saw a guy walk in with a tv.
“You’re getting a tv in here?”
“Yeah. Figured more people would be here later for the Superbowl. I’d get a fuck ton of money.”
“Great idea. Maybe some tv will give me a good idea.”
It took about 30 minutes, but soon they were browsing the channels before landing on one that caught their interest.
“Stay tuned for tonight’s marathon of the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy!”
The two groaned loudly.
“Aw, come on! Those movies fucking suck!” Weasel complained.
“Yeah…” Wade began in thought. “Hey, what do you think it would be like if the Jedi stopped the Emperor from killing them, and Anakin never lost his sexy girlfriend?”
“Fuck if I know,” his friend shrugged. “Want another shot?”
“Sorry, buddy,” Wade said, downing the last of his drink. “But I’ve got a Galaxy that needs me.”
Skywalker Ranch, 1997
George Lucas sat at his desk watching the final version of The Phantom Menace.
“It’s like poetry, it rhymes,” the creator of Star Wars said.
The computer screen was suddenly covered in blood as there was the sound of a gunshot. George Lucas, now with a very present hole in his head, dropped dead face flat on his desk.
Standing behind his body was Deadpool with a gun raised and looking right at you
“Damn right. So, once again, you’re welcome.”
Then his eyes widened in horror.
“Wait, no! Fuck! He hasn’t hired Dave Filoni yet! That means no Clone Wars! Okay, okay, I can fix this.”
One Minute Earlier
“It’s like poetry, it rhymes,” the creator of Star Wars said.
Suddenly there was a gunshot from behind. George turned around to see a man in a red suit standing over another man in a red suit.
“Hi, Mr. Lucas!” Wade waved. “Listen, you’re gonna make a lot of mistakes with Star Wars, and he was gonna kill you for it.” He then proceeded to shoot the past him three more times. “But he forgot that you’re gonna make the best decision ever in 2005. So, yeah.”
The wade on the floor groans before the new one pulls out a sword and stabs him in the throat, silencing him.
“So, do your fans a favor, and hire Dave Filoni. Goodbye, sir,” Wade said before walking out the door, leaving a horrified Mr. Lucas. “Oh!” Wade poked his head back in the room. “You would have failed if your wife hadn’t edited the original movie.”
Lucasfilm, 2012
George Lucas sat next to Bob Iger. The two held up their pens and were about to sign the contract that would sell Lucasfilm to Disney.
There was a flash of light when a sword was stabbed in both of their backs. The two began to cough up blood as they fell to the floor, bleeding.
“Nope! That would have been the biggest mistake of all time.”
A chair was suddenly smashed against his back. Deadpool and the pieces fell to the ground with a groan. He looked up to see the culprit was a terrified Kathleen Kennedy.
“Oh great, it’s you,” he drawled out.
“Stay away from me!” she screamed.
The killer rose up from the floor.
“Okay, I pretty much already know the answer, but how would you make another Indiana Jones movie?”
“I’d put a chick in it and make her gay. And lame,” she answered.
Wade slapped her across the face and she fell to the ground with a cry.
“NO! You don’t dot hat to Indiana Fucking Jones!” He then covered his mouth and gasped. “Oh! I’m so sorry, are you okay?” He asked as he pulled out a pistol. “Is it sexist to shoot you? Is it sexist to not shoot you? This is all so confusing.”
Deadpool cocked the pistol and aimed it at the Hollywood producer.
“Okay! I fixed things here. Now to fix things there!” Wade cheered before slamming his hand on the time machine. “WHOOOOOOO!”
Naboo, 84 BBY
“Okay, this is a tough one…” Deadpool trailed off, looking down at the baby boy in his crib.
Sheev Palpatine
The future Dark Lord of the Sith moaned as he raised his hands.
“Look at that, you’re already practicing your little lightning hands. Oh, Jesus Christ!” Wade groaned and turned around. “Come on, come on, you can do this.” He looked back to the baby and sighed. “Oh, I’m going to Hell. That makes two of us,” he pointed at the child.
Sheev moaned something out in baby talk.
“What was that? Did you say ‘Do it?’ Well, okay then. I’m just gonna…” he reached out for the kid…
…And started rocking him gently in his arms.
“Oof! No wonder you grow up to be such a dick. You’ve never had your diaper changed.” The mercenary placed him on a table and got to work. “Yeah, I think we both know I don’t have what it takes to do this, so I’m just gonna change this diaper real quick, and then I’m gonna go to the Clone Wars and stop you there. Probably during Season two, so I can get a head start and stop some main character deaths.”
Geonosis, 21 BBY
The Republic Gunships landed on the surface of the world where the War began, yet what they encountered was rather confusing.
“It’s quiet, Master. Why is it quiet?” Ahsoka asked.
“I don’t know. I’m just as confused as you are,” Anakin answered.
“This does not bode well,” Kenobi added, rubbing his beard as the looked across the empty desert.
“Where are the Geonosians?” Mundi questioned.
“Or the clankers?” Rex wondered.
“I don’t like this. It could be a trap,” Cody assessed.
“Or perhaps something or someone has already launched their own assault,” Obi Wan speculated.
“Generals!” they turned to see it was Waxer at the edge of camp. “You better come see this!”
The Jedi and clone officers marched over to him and froze upon just what they’d been called to see.
Stretching all the way from where they were, to the shield generator, to the factory…were hundreds of dead Geonosians and droids. The shield was down and the factory was a pile of rubble.
“What…what could have done this?” Ahsoka asked in a quiet voice.
“I don’t know…” Kenobi said, stunned.
“Well, looks like they took care of our mission for us,” Anakin shrugged.
“General! Over there!” Rex pointed out into the distance.
Far away from them, a speeder was heading their way.
The Jedi pulled out their lightsabers and the clones trained their blasters.
“Does anyone else feel a weird presence in the Force?” Ahsoka asked, her eyes not leaving to the coming speeder.
“It’s them,” Anakin confirmed.
The speeder stopped before them to reveal a man in a red and black suit. Sitting behind him was a tied up Poggle and a bag.
“Hi! It’s okay, please no slice and dice.”
“Who are you?” Obi Wan asked.
“That’s a long story. Like a really long story. It’d take two movies and then seven more for the background information. Though those last two can be outright ignored, even though Oscar Isaac’s performance was awesome.”
The Jedi and clones exchanged puzzled glances.
“Who are you?” Skywalker demanded.
“Someone who’s here to save all your fucking lives. As proof, here’s Poggle,” he said, shoving the Geonosian leader to the ground. “Oh, and here’s a Geonosian Queen. You’re welcome.”
Wade threw the bag at their feet and out rolled the severed head of the Queen
“My name’s Wade Wilson, but you can call me Deadpool.” He then looks right at you. “Sorry that you didn’t get to see the action sequence. Mandalore the Atreides had a whole fight planned with me doing the thing where I catch the magazines with the guns, and cutting off a lot of heads. I was also gonna be here when the battle already started and show these guys how dangerous I am.” He then sighed. “But he wants to get this story out there, so here we are. But just you wait! I’m gonna fuck shit up!”