‘NOOO’ the voice yelled in his head making him stop ‘we don’t want to hurt him.’ He stopped what he was doing... the voice was usually right so he put the jock down. The guy had hurt Seth or so those people kept saying and he likes Seth, the kid is a good guy. A nice guy someone the voice said is special to them so it makes perfect sense. That he would hurt the person that hurt Seth he was about to ask for clarification before it reminded him to not talk to him out loud when addressing him ‘unless we want to be labeled insane.’
The voice could be so pushy and it's exhausting having to constantly watch himself and be onguard finally he grumbled to Seth "i'm going ghost and you're coming home with me.. don't like all these people near you." With that as he usually does he made an excuse and led them to the nearest room with a door kicking it shut behind them "let's go big guy" he said with a smile. And I both felt relieved and guilty that I was forcing him to leave his own party.
He’d finally got me believing it’s not my fault I’m damaged it’s what Walker did to me. But it’s also times like this where I feel like a burden that he puts on a brave face for. That he only puts up with me because I’m attached to him ‘stop that... we are not a burden.’ I give the voice my best bitter snort and ghosted me and Seth home. For whatever reason once I came out of the ghost world amnesia ridden and broken. Seth got a house for us or rather he let me stay at his place ever since I’ve had to relearn.
How to human again and basic social cues same goes with tech and all of that. And I stay as close to Seth as possible when out I don’t like strangers being so familiar with him. Too many chances for an attack I don’t even like him being out of my sight.... which is selfish. He has his own life way before I came back into it like a wrecking ball. ‘Don’t think like that’ ‘but it’s true i’m just an overprotective wall of meat who can’t human properly.
That he’s got to lug around and accommodate for all the time’ I quipped back at the voice he deserves so much better than having to put up with me and the way my ex assasin brain works. Remembering how big humans are about modesty I changed into pj pants in the bedroom before padding into the living room. To find him hunched over the computer scratching the back of my neck I tried to make it obvious I was behind him before asking what he was doing.
"It's just a term paper World History specificaly this time vikings and the role the old gods played in shaping their society."
He answered eyes thoughtfully leaving the screen to look at me every so often I must've looked about as lost as I felt because I heard him chuckle smiling at the geniune laugh I like it when he laughs.. "If you want I could read you The Norse Sagas at some point it's just the Old Norse mythology and history" he explained dumbing it down for me which I appriciated the hell out of. 'Say yes we like when he reads to us it calms us and him' that setteled it then and I noded "yes please I like when you read to me you always sound... so happy when you do."
He blushed and smiled and I decided I really like that look on him 'how do I get him to look like that more I like that alot' the voice seemed amused by my question 'exactly what you just did verbatum we missed that look on him if he asks.' It instructed me 'we're doing good we just need to keep it up' it assured him and luckily he'd had more good days than bad recently bad days. Being when he would regress and force Seth to risk bodily harm to comfort him in only a way he could making the nightmares, the feeling of the run away train that is his mind all of it somehow he knows how to make it stop.
And pulls him back from going under again keeping his head above water even though no one asked in the time I had been gone i'd shot up to 6'5. Long black hair plenty of scars, muscles, big hands and what the ladies keep saying is the face and looks of Winter Soldier but the body of Momoa whoever that is which i'm not sure I want to know. 'We asked him once he just looked at us up and down nodded and blushed which you mistook for him being sick" the voice decided to helpfully chime in making him squirm Seth had long since gone back to his paper leaving Grant to work it out mentally.
Which he was also grateful for he’s decidedly not a fan of people ogling him though when Seth does it. He doesn’t get defensive he just.... doesn’t know what to do with himself. The compliment goes right over his head and he gets embarrassed. However if they ogle Seth he automatically assumes it must be nefarious. A show of strength, a protective arm between him and the offending threat.
They usually backed off not that any human could do real damage to him. It’s not cockiness it’s the simple truth he tested it with that one guy that’s supposed to be an instructor. If anything judging by the looks the other humans gave him he didn’t pull his punches enough. He may have to relearn everything else but his memory in regards to combat is just fine. He’s confident only in the fact that he knows he can protect Seth. And that no human can hurt him he hates how much pride he takes in being exactly what Walker made him to be.
‘We’re doing it to keep Seth safe... say it with me big guy... we aren’t Ghost Soldier anymore.’ He mouthed the words ‘we aren’t Ghost Soldier anymore’ and thanked gods Seth wasn’t seeing this. He’d been doing so well until one passing thought ruined the entire afternoon. And his progress just about while his hair long since had fallen out of the bun.
He sat in the dark one story house trying to calm down more. Seth couldn’t see him like this he hated being like this where one rouge thought is enough to break him. He blamed the multiple painful brain washings for most things this included. It’s a good blanket excuse that covers most things. The voice sounded so sympathetic... he wished it would stop and would go back to chastising him.
Or is he thinking of what his handlers would do whenever he messed up. It honestly gets harder to tell through sheer will power he didn’t react violently. When he felt the precense of someone beside him.. Seth wouldn’t hurt him. He hazarded a glance at the young adult who looked just as sympathetic sitting beside him. “You looked upset I was waiting for you to notice me big guy.” He explained I held his hand putting my much larger paw in his outstretched one. It did wonders and the run away train was going back on its rails for now.
After a couple haphazard breaths I calmed down more ‘we’re going to be ok big guy’ the voice said and I was starting to believe it. Seth’s patient hand stayed on mine he let me hold the appendage hostage like a life line. He could almost hear himself going ‘I need your hand more than you do.’ The voice supplied trying for cheerful it made him crack the ghost of a smile inwardly.
“I’m sorry you had to see that.... I was doing so well” and saw him shake his head stubbornly. “Don’t be big guy it’s not your fault... set backs happen but you are getting better.” He assured always so sure... always so patient with him whatever he did to deserve Seth. “Thank you for being here for me” I said and watched him smile warmly bringing my hand up. With his other one to press his cheek against it “you’re welcome big guy I’ll always be here for you, always.” The gesture had me blushing “I ummmm” I fumbled hard trying to think of what to say. ‘Help me damn it’ I told the voice who chuckled ‘you aren’t breaking anything big guy so don’t try to fix it.’ Without realizing it I was clutching his hand tighter he didn’t seem to mind though.
Part of me wished I wouldn’t eventually have to let go of his hand but he probably has a lot to do. So with a lot of debate I let go of his hand got up and helped him up then taking a chance. I kissed the back of his hand like I’d seen the people do in those tv shows ‘smooth as silk big guy.’ Eventually I’ll need to ask the voice what it means by that but for now Seth’s blush is enough. To make me feel a lot better I need to remember that so I can see him blush more. I could practically hear the voice smirk he moved away from me and went over to the light switch. “Before you ask big guy it’s nearly three in the afternoon” that was unfortuante because it meant this episode lasted a lot longer than the others but before I could even think it he was back over to me.
"It's fine though I promise it's still progress" i'm not sure who he was trying to convince himself or me but either way I leaned down to put my chin on his shoulder which given he's only 5'6 I had to bend down a fair bit. "I know... still I wish it didn't happen you put so much strain on yourself because of me Seth" I finally said it outloud because it's true. “It’s not a strain” his voice was defiant as he looked into my eyes “you’re getting better. And I’m going to be there for you no matter what so get used to it” now he was.... ummm. ‘Pouting big guy, he’s pouting it doesn’t seem like he’s angry though. It’s flattering it means he wants to take care of us you should feel honored’ ‘I do feel honored. Humans are confusing did I say something incorrect’ I inquired the voice sighed.
‘No big guy but I don’t think he liked hearing that he needs to take time away from us. True as it may be he’s dead set on staying with us regardless of strain.’ After a minute of tension he relaxed “look big guy I get it but I’m perfectly happy as I am. Taking care of you makes me happy” without thinking I wrapped my arms around him. Careful to be gentle “I like when you’re happy” he seemed surprised and I almost pulled away until. He put his hands on mine “I like when you’re happy as well Grant.” ‘One giant leap back and another baby step forward it looks like you’re over your aversion of holding him for now.’ ‘He feels warm’ the voice chuckles and lets me have my moment.
The rest of the day was filled with me reluctantly letting him out of my sight and arms. Somewhere a human once said ‘you’re going to get worse before you get better.’ Now that I believe wholeheartedly after every episode it seems I don’t like him being out of my sight. I don’t like being alone bad things happen when I’m alone but Seth makes the bad things go away it replays over and over in my head then I feel guilty for hogging up all of his time.
But.... I need him without him I’m just some nuke in flesh and bone waiting to go off. By now it was dinner and I was told to keep my hands to myself so we could eat it’s chicken and noodles. He’d said it was his favorite to me food is just sustenance but to him he likes the flavor. So I let him eat we sat opposite each other while I mauled over why he won’t let me touch him.
‘Big guy he needs to eat... don’t take it personally it’s just for a little bit longer’ ‘but I like holding him.’ The voice snorts ‘I know you do and we are proud of you but still let the kid eat without staring at him longingly. Every two seconds’ I took more mouthfuls of food to distract myself trying to look anywhere else but at him and failing miserably. I heard him chuckle and immediately looked up I like that sound... a lot he smiled at me.
Put his fork down and asked what I wanted “I like holding you... it calms me down being around you calms me down.” He blushed again ‘easy there big guy’ the voice cautioned ‘one good thing about forgetting things like ingrained social customs. Is that we can get away with massive amounts of flattery without being accused of being a flirt.’ The voice explained which is confusing me more ‘I’m being honest though’ it sighed again ‘we’re lucky you’re an adorably innocent amnesiac.’ There’s nothing innocent about me... no one with the kill count I have can be considered innocent but I guess if it lets me be able to hold and be near Seth what the voice says can’t be a bad thing.