Apes
“But now... now we will put away our hatred. Now we will put down our weapons… We have passed through the Night of the Fires. And who were our masters are now our servants. And we, who are not human, can afford to be humane… Destiny is the will of God. And, if it is man's destiny to be dominated, it is God's will that he be dominated with compassion, and understanding. So, cast out your vengeance. Tonight, we have seen the birth… of the Planet of the Apes!”
The sights and sounds of the burning city and rioting apes sent shivers running down Courtney’s back, ones that only ended when the screen cut to black and the credits began to roll. “Wow. That..”
“Chilling right?” Lauren asked from beside her. “That was actually the alternate ending. The original didn’t do well with test audiences. Too violent.”
Courtney nodded, listening to the other woman but eyes still locked on the screen even as the credits rolled. “You said there’s one more?”
“Battle ,” Brooke pipped up from Courtney’s other side. “It’s… not great.”
“It’s garbage, is what it is,” Lauren filled in. “Honestly, the series should have ended with Conquest.”
Courtney nodded. “So other than Battle … which isn’t worth watching apparently… that’s all the ape movies?”
“All of this continuity,” Lauren corrected. “There was a Tim Burton directed remake in 2001, and Rise rebooted the series a few years ago. Rise had a sequel come out last year and they’re supposed to be working on a new one. The Rise series has been pretty good so far - though honestly I don’t think the Burton remake was as bad as everyone makes it out to be."
“Certainly isn’t the worst,” Brook agreed.
The credits finished running and the DVD flipped back to the menu screen.
“Is Battle really that bad?”
“It runs too short and drags too long. And it kicks the time compression problem up to 11.”
“Time compression?”
“Things not taking as long as they should? Like, a story that would be better taking place over weeks or months, instead taking just a few days?” Lauren offered.
“Or decades instead of centuries, like in this case,” Brooked added.
“Right,” Lauren agreed with her girlfriend. “I hate when movies and video games do that. But yeah, Battle has serious problems. We can still watch it though if you want the complete experience?”
Courtney considered. On the one hand, it was still pretty early - after going back to her apartment and trying to study for an hour, she had given up and returned to her new friends’ apartment on the off chance they were still free - which had ended with the other two sitting her down to finish watching Beneath, then moving onto Escape and Conquest, with a break to order lunch before starting Conquest. She’d really enjoyed the original, but had found the sequel only ok. Three and four though…
‘Victoria would never let me live down loving something so old and cheesy,’ she couldn’t help but think. ‘And Ta-’
Courtney abruptly ended that line of thinking and turned her attention back to the flickering DVD menu. She grabbed at the remote. “Maybe not Battle, but you mentioned another ending?” She clicked on Special Features and started reading off. Original Ending. Theatrical Trailer. Making Of. “What’s ‘Timey Wimey?’”
“Oh that doesn’t have anything to do with Apes,” Lauren replied. “Still pretty cool though.”
“It’s an easter egg,” Brooke explained. “They stick them in DVD’s and games sometimes. Just little hidden things for people to enjoy. The Timey Wimey egg is on the DVD’s for what, seventeen different movies?”
“And doesn’t have anything to do with the movies it shows up on. It’s not long if you want to give it a watch. Just a few minutes.”
Courteny hit play and watched as a man appeared on the screen, eyes locked on her - or rather, at the camera. He took a moment to fiddle with his glasses before beginning to speak.
“Yup. That's me…. Yes, I do…Yup. And this… Are you going to read out the whole thing?”
Courtney glanced at her couch companions, who were both watching the screen and her. “So who exactly is this?”
“I'm a time traveler. Or I was. I'm stuck in 1969.”
“We're stuck,” interrupted a woman, sticking her head into the screen. “All of space and time, he promised me. Now I've got a job in a shop. I've got to support him!”
“Martha!”
“Sorry.”
A time travel story? That was a bit appropriate, Courtney supposed, considering the series.
“Quite possibly.”
“Afraid so.”
“Thirty eight.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Courtney admitted.
“People don't understand time. It's not what you think it is.”
Courtney blinked, eyes locking on the screen for a moment. Did that just…
“Complicated…Very complicated.”
“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.”
“That uh, got away from him didn’t it?”
It got away from me, yeah.
Courtney sat up. “What?”
“Like he can hear you, right?” Lauren offered.
Well, I can hear you.
“What-”
“Well, not hear you, exactly, but I know everything you're going to say....Look to your left.”
Courtney couldn’t help herself, she looked. Lauren stared into her eyes from barely a foot away, causing Courtney’s breath to catch in her throat.
“I've got a copy of the finished transcript. It's on my autocue.”
She tore her gaze away from those brilliant brown eyes to gaze once more at the screen.
“I told you. I'm a time traveler. I got it in the future.”
“It’s an interesting convention, honestly,” Brooke commented. “The timey-wimey sentence is so nonsensical you want to say it got away from him, or that it doesn’t make sense.”
“Yeah. Wibbly wobbly, timey-wimey… What matters is, we can communicate. We have got big problems now. They have taken the blue box, haven't they? The angels have the phone box.”
“Bought a t-shirt saying that,” Lauren commented. “Doesn’t fit anymore. I should get one in women’s.”
“Creatures from another world.”
“Only when you see them.”
“The lonely assassins, they used to be called. No one quite knows where they came from, but they're as old as the universe, or very nearly, and they have survived this long because they have the most perfect defense system ever evolved.”
Well. That certainly was creepy.
“They are quantum-locked. They don't exist when they're being observed. The moment they are seen by any other living creature, they freeze into rock. No choice. It's a fact of their biology. In the sight of any living thing, they literally turn to stone. And you can't kill a stone… Of course, a stone can't kill you either. But then you turn your head away, then you blink, and oh yes it can.
“That's why they cover their eyes. They're not weeping. They can't risk looking at each other. Their greatest asset is their greatest curse. They can never be seen. The loneliest creatures in the universe. And I'm sorry. I am very, very sorry. It's up to you now.
“The blue box, it's my time machine. There is a world of time energy in there they could feast on forever, but the damage they could do could switch off the sun. You have got to send it back to me.
And that's it, I'm afraid. There's no more from you on the transcript, that's the last I've got. I don't know what stopped you talking, but I can guess. They're coming. The angels are coming for you. But listen, your life could depend on this. Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back, don't look away, and don't blink. Good luck.
The DVD froze, then flicked back to Conquest’s menu.
No one spoke, the eerie final words of the Timey Wimey video echoing through their minds.
“So,” Courtney spoke up at last. “Do you have the Tim Burton one?”