private thoughts
Natasha had been surprised, to say the least, to see the Deputy Director all but running away from the gym when she’d been heading there last night. She couldn’t help but think it was because of her. The woman hadn’t even met her eyes when she had nodded her greetings. That tickled Natasha’s conscience ever so slightly, keeping her mind busy and making it throw wild guesses around in her head. This mission would be a welcome solace before she eventually had to confront the brunette. Natasha knew, logically, that they needed to talk. That she needed answers and that the other woman was the only person who could give them to her. Knowing that didn’t make her want to talk to her any more. The other woman had earned her ‘ice queen’ reputation, Natasha knew that. She’d seen it first hand when she’d first been allowed to watch other agents interact. She had earned every bit of the fear she inspired in new recruits, and she had shown, repeatedly, that she did not want to talk to Natasha. But, the redhead reasoned with herself, if there was one thing she was, it was stubborn.
Still, this mission would be a welcome breath of fresh air and a much needed break. Missions were nice. She didn’t have time to think about anything else. She only needed to focus on what she had to do.
All in all, the mission went relatively well. They were only three, there wasn’t any need for anyone more, and Natasha preferred it that way. It had taken some getting used to, but she could now mostly handle working in a pair or a trio. More people? She wasn’t all that good at it yet, so Fury usually tried to avoid sending her on team missions. Coulson hadn’t yelled at her once, which very well might be a first in their short ‘partnership’, and Barton had even given her a thumbs up as they’d boarded the Quinjet to head back to the Helicarrier. Natasha had never really had anyone congratulate her when she completed a mission successfully, but it was a nice change. And it was one of the very few things that she absolutely didn’t mind Barton doing, far from it. She hadn’t ever realised how much she craved validation and praise until he’d given it to her. Somehow, he had picked up on how much it meant to her and made sure to let her know she’d done good after every single mission they were on together. Whether it was with words, a small sign, a small slap in her back, or anything else he could do, he never missed an opportunity to praise her. She truly appreciated him for that. He was probably the closest thing she’d ever had to a friend.
They had left fairly early in the day and the mission had been shorter than any of them had expected it to be, so they had made it back to the Helicarrier before the afternoon had had a chance to start.
Maria was avoiding her. Natasha could tell when not seeing someone for several days in a row was a random thing of the universe, and when it was the other person’s conscious decision. Had it been anyone else, Natasha wouldn’t have cared. She avoided people. She had ever since she’d joined SHIELD, so she usually didn’t mind when they avoided her in return. But something about Hill was different, and the fact that she was currently avoiding her stung a little. The redhead decided that she didn’t have to care. That she couldn’t let herself care. She threw herself into the paperwork she hadn’t yet finished. It took her all afternoon to finish it, and she made her way to the cafeteria late in the evening expecting it to be mostly empty. And it was, mostly empty. But, in a corner near the back of the cafeteria, sat the object of Natasha’s earlier worries. It took her all of three seconds to make the very brash decision to go sit next to the woman once she‘d filled up her tray. As she sat down in the chair across from Hill’s, Natasha didn’t miss the slight flinch and the way her shoulders visibly tensed. It was all gone in a second though, and anyone slightly less observant than the Russian wouldn’t have noticed anything. If she hadn’t been worried about her superior’s sleeping habits before, Natasha certainly was now. The bags under her eyes looked slightly better than they had been when she’d surprised her in the changing rooms just a few days ago but the woman was jumpy, her gaze unfocused and shifting from side to side. Natasha would bet on the fact that the woman’s eyelids were heavy and that it was pretty hard for her to stay awake right now. Yet, she was hanging out in the cafeteria instead of being in her room, getting ready for sleep.
“What do you want, Romanoff?” Her tone was heavy, her voice tired. She hadn’t even managed to snap at her, only to ask the question with a mildly annoyed tone.
“I just wanna talk, Hill.” Natasha was calm, her eyes trained on the other woman even as she brought her fork up to her mouth and started eating from her plate.
“What do you want to talk about?” Hill was cold, guarded. Natasha could understand that. They were much more similar than she had originally thought.
“You know what I wanna talk about. Question is, do you want to do it here, or somewhere a little more private?”
“There’s a third option there, Romanoff. We are not going to do that, at all. We have absolutely nothing to talk about.” Hill snapped back, careful to keep her tone in check so as to not alert the few people still in the cafeteria of their ongoing disagreement.
“Oh yes we do. You’ve been avoiding me since that night in the gym. I know part of why, now I wanna know the rest. And I want to know why you’re not sleeping.” If Hill wanted to play dumb, two could play this game, and Natasha had never lost. “Now, either we talk about this like the grownups we are, or I can tell Fury you’re not sleeping and need to be pulled out of your current missions. Your choice, Hill.”
The brunette audibly sighed and let out a humourless laugh but she didn’t object again, choosing instead to make the redhead aware of her current predicament.
‘Well, Romanoff, I guess you should know Fury already benched me for the rest of the week.”
Natasha raised an eyebrow in curiosity. She didn’t think Fury would actually risk benching his second in command. She was glad, deep down, that he had. Instead of commenting on that, Natasha kept eating her food in silence, occasionally glancing at the other woman. Something about her was so different, and Natasha couldn’t quite figure out what it was. It had something to do with the way she held herself when she walked in a room, back straight and chin up, like nothing could ever affect her. It had something to do with the way she was always so composed, like nothing in the world could get through her calmness, like she would never lash out from anger or fear. It had something to do with the way those blue eyes sometimes fixed themselves on something when she was trying to figure it out, the way they sparkled when something amused her, the way oceans raged inside when she was sad or irritated. It had something to do with the fact that her eyes were often the only indication pointing to the fact that she could feel anything at all. It had something to do with the way she’d seemed so vulnerable that night in the gym.
“Do I have something on my face, Romanoff?” Hill’s sharp tone snapped her out of her thoughts, and Natasha realised she must have been staring.
“Huh? No, nothing.” She replied quietly, silently scolding herself for getting lost in her head.
“Then quit staring. It’s rude.”
“Oh, is it now?” Natasha couldn’t help it, she wanted to see just how far she could push the Deputy Director before she’d push back. She was a little disappointed when the brunette immediately pulled a stop to this little game of hers.
“Quit it Romanoff. If you want us to talk, finish your plate and we’ll go to the gym.”
“The gym?” Natasha was surprised Hill wanted to go there. Although, if they were anything alike, the older woman probably needed physical exercise to help her deal with unwanted feelings. When she got a nod as the only answer, Natasha ate a little bit faster, curiosity eating at her.
As soon as she was done, Hill got up from her chair and started making her way towards the exit, not once looking back to make sure the redhead was following her. Natasha scrambled to get up, empty her tray and follow her. She almost had to run through the door to catch up to the older woman. They made their way to the gym in silence. Natasha was a fast-walker, always had been, but she had to walk a bit faster than she usually did to manage to keep up with Hill’s longer strides. When they finally reached the gym’s door, Hill walked straight into the changing rooms without so much as a second glance for Natasha. She really was quite a mystery. Natasha was already wearing appropriate clothes and she directly walked over to the sparring ring, starting her stretching routine, guessing that when she got back, Hill would want to spar to blow off some steam and clear her head. The gym was empty, it often was at nearly 11 at night, but Natasha was still grateful for that. She didn’t think Hill would have been open to a conversation if there had been anyone other than the two of them in the gym.
Hill got back from the changing rooms less than a couple minutes later and quickly started her own stretching routine. When both of them were done, they faced each other in the sparring ring, focused on the other’s movements. It seemed neither of them wanted to be the first one to make a move. Eventually, Hill relented and struck out. Natasha easily avoided the punch and quickly replied with one of her own. Like she’d predicted, the Deputy Director wasn’t as fast as she was; but what she lacked in speed she made up for in strength. Her blows were measured, each of them calculated and precise, and when they hit their target, they made the Russian stumble back a little. She had the advantage of speed though, and managed to dodge most blows and land in a few of her own. Hill got better at blocking them after a few minutes though, and both of them started fighting at full capacity when they understood the other’s technique and realised that they would do as much damage as the other, which was only fair when sparring. They got into a fascinating choreography, striking out and retreating in harmony, both of them focused on the other.
Hill was no widow, she wasn’t as good of a fighter as Natasha, but she certainly held her own well enough.
After a while of this little dance of theirs, Natasha saw an opening and got the upper hand, using Hill’s momentum to flip her onto her back and pin her to the floor.
“I win.” She couldn’t help the playful tone that crept into her voice in an attempt to taunt the older woman.
“Of course you do Romanoff.” Hill rolled her eyes dramatically, unimpressed. “Now get off me.”
Natasha let out a snort at that, pushing herself off the mats and offering Hill her hand to help her get back up. The brunette eyed her hand for a few seconds but she eventually took it and allowed the redhead to pull her back up. They looked at each other, waiting for the other to speak up. Natasha was the first to fill the silence.
“You ready to talk now?”
“Let me shower. We’ll talk then.” Hill replied, already getting off the sparring ring.
Natasha nodded and watched the other woman move towards the changing rooms. Natasha herself had barely broken a sweat but she could understand that Hill had. Sparring partners at SHIELD were rarely challenging, so she probably didn’t get a lot of practice with people better at it than she was. Natasha could certainly relate to that. She decided to start her cool-down stretch, pushing herself as far as she could to help relieve the tension in her muscles. It had been a while since she’d sparred with someone who required a little effort to keep up with. Hill wasn’t nearly as good as Natasha was, and the redhead had ignored several openings before she’d finally taken one, but she was one of the best sparring partners Natasha had had on the Helicarrier.
Natasha had to bite the inside of her cheek when Hill walked back out of the changing rooms. Her hair was wet, and loose on her shoulders, and Natasha had never before seen it loose, and it was something she had never thought could look so very fascinating.
“Okay Romanoff. What was your question?” Hill shot out, taking a seat across from her in the sparring ring.
“I have a lot more than one question, Hill. You do know what I wanna talk about right?” Natasha asked, head tilted to the side in genuine curiosity. She wanted to know if Hill would be honest and open with her, or if she’d try to change the subject as soon as she got a chance.
“Yeah I do. You want to talk about what you saw the other night. You weren’t supposed to see that. But, now that you have, let’s get this over with. So ask your questions okay?” Hill replied, putting extra effort in keeping her voice even. Natasha could see how tense the other woman’s muscles were.The subject was clearly uncomfortable for her.
“Right. Why was I not supposed to see that?” The redhead asked as soon as the other woman was done talking. Her words didn’t sit right with her.
“Because no one is supposed to see it. It’s not exactly something I enjoy talking about.” Hill answered honestly. She didn’t want to talk about it at all, but she wouldn’t disrespect both herself and the younger agent by lying to her.
“Yeah, I get that, but I don’t think people would bother you too much if they knew.” Natasha said matter-of-factly, looking directly into Hill’s eyes.
“You know about it, and you’re bothering me right now, aren’t you, Romanoff?” Hill asked, some amusement creeping its way into her voice. Natasha couldn’t help but smile softly at that. The brunette did have a point.
“Well … Yeah, but I am special. Let’s say I get why you don’t want anyone to know. You know what I’m going to ask now.”
“You want to know where they’re from, don’t you?” Somehow, the brunette sounded more vulnerable than Natasha had ever heard her be, voice slightly shaky and breathing uneven.
“Yeah, I’d like to know. I read your file the other day.” She didn’t know why she was telling Hill that, but she felt compelled to tell her the truth and the words spilled out of her mouth before she could stop herself. “It didn’t mention you being part of any child trafficking ring, so that can’t be it.”
Hill raised a surprised brow at Natasha’s honesty but didn’t comment on it. “You’re right, that’s not it. I’m afraid it’s not as interesting a story as that one.” She replied slowly, measuring her words.
“What is the story then? If it’s not the fault of a crazy egotistical man, then whose is it?” Natasha enquired, curiosity growing.
“Oh, I never said it wasn’t the fault of a crazy man.” Hill immediately shot back, eyes meeting Natasha’s before she turned her head away, avoiding the redhead’s gaze. “It kind of is, I guess. My father. He’s the reason.” Hill admitted, feeling compelled to tell Natasha the truth, especially since the redhead had been nothing but honest with her so far. She looked up at the younger agent, eyes searching her face, trying to figure out what she was thinking. She looked away again as soon as the other woman spoke up though.
“He did that to you?” Natasha sounded genuinely surprised. “The scars I saw the other night, they’re all from him?” She was getting angry, although she tried not to show it, clenching her fists in an attempt to control her emotions. Natasha had never been able to understand how parents could ever do anything to harm their child. What she had seen the other night didn’t just testify to that man hurting Hill, it testified to him doing it a lot, and for a long time.
“Some of them aren’t. They’re from doing my job. It’s impossible to avoid scars when doing what we do. But most of them are, yeah.” Hill answered, surprisingly calm. Natasha could see in her eyes that the older woman had accepted what had happened to her a long time ago and was mostly at peace with it. That didn’t stop her from wanting to know more though.
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?” Hill couldn’t quite think of another answer. No one had ever asked her that before. Not a lot of people had seen her scars, but none of the ones who had had ever asked her why her father used to beat her every night.
“Why did he do the things that left these scars?” Natasha provided, trying her damn best to understand something she thought couldn’t be understood.
“If only I knew.” Hill sighed, eyes darting left and right. Natasha realised right then that the older woman was lying to her. She knew exactly why her father had hurt her, but didn’t want to share that knowledge. Natasha was about to push a little to get an answer but Hill stood up at that, effectively putting an end to this particular topic of conversation. The redhead wasn’t happy about it but decided to let it go for now, thinking that what she had gotten was a lot already and that she could wait a bit longer before she had all the answers.
“What are you going to do with all this knowledge Romanoff?” Hill asked her, eyes trained on her in genuine interest.
Natasha needed a second to think about her answer. Clearly, the other woman had her reasons to want to keep this a secret, and Natasha could understand that. But, whatever it was, it was also eating away at her, preventing her from sleeping, haunting her. Natasha made up her mind as she spoke.
“Nothing for now. This is your secret to share. But if I don’t think you’re getting better I will go to Fury. I mean it Hill. You need help, whether you admit it or not. If you don’t get the help you need soon, this will get you, or someone on your team, killed.”
Hill nodded and waved a shy goodbye before she walked out the door, leaving Natasha alone in the gym for the second time that week.