Manson, IA
October 28th -- 10:47 AM
Steve:
We found another abandoned warehouse in Krakow. More paper files.
Not sure if they were ever uploaded.
Some stuff on Bucky, nothing useful.
There were a few on the KGB’s activities. Your name came up quite a few times.
Natasha:
I did some damage in Krakow. Find anything useful?
Steve:
Not much, just more locations. Nowhere that Bucky would go, but maybe they could be helpful for you. I’ll have Hill send them over.
Natasha:
Thanks.
Steve:
There were also some tapes. Of you.
Natasha:
Hopefully nothing too graphic.
Steve:
I didn’t know how well you could dance.
Natasha:
For a bit they were talking about sending me off to train other dancers.
I could have done it professionally, instead of killing.
Steve:
Why didn’t you?
Natasha:
The offer was pulled after they found out about James. Maya wanted to keep me close.
Steve:
Were you upset?
Natasha:
On some level.
But not surprised.
I got out a few months later, so I didn’t exactly have time to sit around and mope.
Steve:
You never would have gotten involved with SHIELD.
Natasha:
I never would have met you.
Steve:
So you don’t regret it?
Natasha:
I regret not being there for the others. When I left, I felt like I was abandoning them.
Steve:
Your sister?
Natasha:
I forgot I mentioned her.
Steve:
Do you still think about her?
Natasha:
It’s all I do.
----------------
November 14th -- 11:13 PM
Steve:
When we were growing up Bucky used to play this song on the piano whenever he would get the chance. He was goddamned terrible at it.
I just heard the song on the radio.
I miss him.
--------------
November 17th -- 6:04 AM
Natasha:
Yelena and I had a secret language. We had this whistle we used to do to call to each other in the forest behind our house.
Sometimes I catch myself doing it around the house.
I miss her.
Natasha:
I want to find her, but I don’t know if she wants me to.
-----------
November 21st -- 9:48 AM
Steve:
Where are you right now?
Natasha:
Austria. Sorting through some of Zola’s old work.
Steve:
Have you made any progress looking for Yelena?
Natasha:
My contact in Kiev has nothing on them anymore. They’ve gone completely off the grid after HYDRA was put in the ground.
Steve:
But you haven’t tried to go back?
Natasha:
I’m not ready for that yet. I can’t deal with that kind of disappointment. Not right now.
Steve:
It’s crippling.
----------------
They met up in Moscow. Steve left his window open and she crawled through it in the middle of the night, a bag slung around her shoulder and her limbs heavy with exhaustion. He pulled her close as she laid down next to him, burying his head in her hair. She held him as well, arms looped around his neck and legs snaking between his. They fell asleep like that, pulled under into a slumber deeper than either had had since that night in Buchanan.
--------------
It was the same story for the next few months. More texting, a few late night calls, a few visits. They never crossed the line, careful to never to push the boundary on ‘friends.’
They talked to each other in the inky blackness of night, when it was so dark that they couldn’t see each other even after their eyes adjusted. When all they could do was feel. Natasha recounted her days in Ohio, with Melina and Alexei. With Yelena. How much she hated herself for getting out and leaving her behind.
He talked about Bucky. About their life in Brooklyn. The way that he had cared for his sisters, all the trouble they would get up to when the girls were at home and Bucky was showing off for some girl. Natasha would chime in occasionally, like when he mentioned the time they had caught trout in the Hudson and Bucky had tried to fix it up.
“He boiled it,” she said. “I know this story. He told me about it.”
“Did he tell you it made us both sick for a week?”
She laughed into his chest. “No.”
Sometimes Natasha would tell her own stories about Bucky. About James. Whoever. He was becoming one person in her mind, a man lost in time. She told him about their time in Prague, when they got drunk with Nadia and almost burned down the apartment because Natasha couldn’t make a grilled cheese. They didn’t bring up her romantic history with him, politely skirted around the topic to avoid any hard feelings. For the same reason, Steve never mentioned Peggy. He almost did, one day, when he was recounting the day he got his SHIELD and she had walked in on him kissing one of the show girls.
“Peg was mad, but I think she was just mad the girl had beaten her to it,” he said. He must have felt Natasha stiffen against him because he stopped himself before he went any further. “Never mind.”
Neither brought up the fact that ‘friends’ would be able to share that kind of thing with each other.
-----------
December 3rd -- 7:03 AM
Steve:
What are you doing for Christmas?
Natasha:
Hadn’t given it much thought.
What are you doing?
Steve:
Tony reached out.
He’s having everyone stay at the tower for the holidays, should we be interested.
A trip to New York sounds kind of nice right about now.
Natasha:
Have you ever dealt with a drunk Stark?
Steve:
No.
Why, is it bad?
Natasha:
I’d love to go to New York for Christmas.
-------------
December 8th -- 9:42 PM
Steve:
We’re heading back state-side for a few weeks. Sam has some stuff and I want to check out some of the other military bases that Buck and I were sent to.
Where will you be?
Natasha:
I’m visiting some friends.
Steve:
I didn’t know you had any.
Natasha:
Very funny.
----------
Clint picked her up from the satellite airport about 30 miles east of his place in Manson. He hugged her when he got their and she took a breath of relief. It felt like she had stepped out of time.
Her hunt for the Red Room had hit a dead end, and she was tired of the disappointment. Kiev hadn’t contacted her with new targets in nearly three weeks, not since she had taken out the weapons manufacturing facility they had in Sudan. She hadn’t been able to find anything on Yelena, her file leading her to either abandoned or destroyed facilities. Everyone she could think of was either dead or still in deep, and Oola had no information on the whereabouts since the late two thousands. All Natasha wanted to do was take a breath, to go home.
When she thought of home, she thought of Steve.
But when she thought of home before him, it was always Clint.
She landed in Fort Dodge, a neighboring city just big enough to have an airport and a few chain restaurants, under the name Matilda May. Clint was waiting for her with a burger and a shake from Hardee’s, her favorite, and his face visibly relaxed when he saw her.
“I thought Laura didn’t approve of fast food?” Nat teased, taking a bite of her burger and climbing into his truck. It was rusted and old, a 1999 F-350 that she had tried to total on three separate occasions just to encourage him to buy a new one. Damned thing wouldn’t die.
“Laura isn’t here right now,” he responded pointedly.
Natasha laughed and slid her seatbelt on. It was nice to see Clint, to joke. It felt like old times.
Clint was older than her by about twelve years, give or take. He had never really felt like a friend, but she also didn’t respect him enough to call him a mentor. He was like an older brother, who had it figured out just enough that he could shoulder some of her shit too. She didn’t owe him her life-- not any more at least, she had paid that debt over about a million times by now-- but she would still do anything for him.
“How are the kids?” she asked.
“They’re good. God, Lila’s nearly ten now. And Cooper, jeez, he’s probably as tall as you by now.”
“Damn. Have I been gone that long?” she meant it as a joke, but Clint shot her a look.
“Nearly two years.”
Natasha looked at her lap, where her milkshake was turning to soup. “I’m sorry, Clint. It’s been hard.”
“I know, kid.”
It was a nickname she should have grown out of-- she was thirty for god’s sake-- but Clint still brought it out when he was being serious.
“So are they at least excited to see me?” she asked as he made one of two turns for the duration of the drive.
“I actually haven’t told them you’re coming. Figured it would be a nice surprise.”
She smiled at that. It would be.
“And, speaking of surprises,” he continued. “Laura’s pregnant.”
Natasha grinned. “So, and just jog my memory here, that means the age difference between your children is what--,”
“Awe, Natasha, don’t start--,”
“Two years and-- and what? Ten years?”
“Come on Nat--,”
“Now I may be getting ahead of myself, but it seems like someone may have made a little mistake here. Too excited?”
Clint was trying to look serious, but his face was red. Natasha smiled. It felt just like old times.
“None of my children are mistakes. This one was just a surprise.”
“Whatever you say, Barton. How far along is she?”
“Only a few weeks, not even two months yet, and it’s too early to start telling people so keep it to yourself.”
“So why did you tell me?”
“She’s been a little more… emotional with this one. She’s a little out of it. Just, I want you to be prepared.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
----------
Laura burst into tears when she saw Natasha, pulling her into a tight hug. Clint locked eyes with Nat and mouthed ‘I told you so.’
The kids were excited as well, running up and hugging Natasha as soon as she stepped through the door, but Clint was right. They had grown so much. She had missed so much of their lives.
Clint caught her eye again as she rested a hand on Lila’s head, looking down at her and clearly not doing a great job of hiding her feelings. He cuffed her shoulder and whispered, “You’re here now.”
Nat just nodded.
There was a dusting of snow outside, enough that the grass was covered and there were a few drifts, so while Laura made dinner she and Clint rigged the car with a thin line and tied a tube to the back, then drove the kids around the land in big circles. Clint kept looking behind them, making sure the kids were alive, before taking turns so sharp they threatened to hurl them into the neighboring woods. Lila and Cooper shrieked with glee the whole time, laughing as they held onto the tube for dear life. Natasha watched them, reminded of when she was that age with Yelena.
“So what have you been up to since the Triskelion?” Clint asked. She shot him a look.
“Am I supposed to pretend like Fury hasn’t been feeding you intel this entire time?”
Clint’s mouth dropped open in mock-surprise. “I thought he was dead!”
Nat laughed. “Well then, the usual. Digging wells. Saving babies.”
“And have you kept in touch with Rogers?”
Natasha thought back to the last time she had seen Steve, in a hotel in Barcelona. They had taken a friendly shower together after he had shown up covered in grime after an explosion at the pier. “Somewhat.”
Clint pursed his lips but nodded, taking another sharp turn. “Do you want to see him again?”
He knew most of what had happened in DC, though Nat had spared the more graphic details. “We’re heading to Stark’s for Christmas.”
“Oh. Tony invited me to that.”
“You sound like you aren’t going?”
“I’d never miss Christmas with these guys. I’ve been gone enough.”
“I’ll let you know if we need you, old man.”
Clint punched her shoulder right as the rope hit a stump and sent the kids careening into a snow bank.
-----------
Laura was just finishing up dinner as they got back, and Natasha helped her set up as the kids ran upstairs to change.
“It’s been a while,” she said. Laura just nodded.
“We’ve missed you here. I hope you’ll make it a habit to visit us more often.”
Nat smiled. “I’ll try. I’ve been tied up in Europe. Tying up some loose ends.”
“Anything we should be worried about?”
She shook her head. “Nothing as bad as New York was. Trying to track down some people from the Red Room.”
Laura studied her carefully and Natasha did her best not to look at her. She had such kind eyes. It was the first thing Natasha had noticed about her. So patient, so unguarded. Clint had introduced them about a year after Budapest, when Cooper had been just over a year old and Lila was about as far along as the new one was.
“Does this have anything to do with that sister of yours?” she asked. Natasha smiled sadly.
“Mostly.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “It’s hard right now. I don’t even know if I should find her. I don’t even know if she’s alive.”
Laura nodded sagely. “I’m sorry, Tash.”
She was the only one who called her that. “It is what it is.”
“And what about you and the Captain?”
Natasha rolled her eyes. “Clint really can’t keep a secret, huh?”
“Well, what’s the deal?”
“We’re friends.” When Laura gave her a look of disbelief, Natasha groaned. “We’re friends right now.”
“But?”
“There’s a lot going on. He’s chasing down this man-- someone in a similar situation as him. Another super soldier, only he’s been used by HYDRA for decades. But he was Steve’s best friend way back when, maybe more than that, so he feels he has to save him.”
“And you don’t think he should?”
Natasha took a deep breath, fiddling with the spoon that was in the rice bowl. “It’s complicated. The guy he’s hunting, James, he was an associate of the Red Room. I knew him back in the day.”
Laura seemed to understand. “Ah.”
“And I know what that kind of disappointment feels like. I spent years looking for James once I got out, but it was no use. And I don’t even know what we’d do if we found him, what that would mean for us…”
“So there’s an ‘us’?” Laura asked, gesturing at Nat. The latter shrugged.
“I think I’d like there to be.”
“But you don’t know.”
She did know, she had known for a while. “It’s complicated.”
“So you said.”
“Mom? Is dinner ready?” Cooper called from the living room. Laura grabbed two of the bowls and pushed the swinging door to the dining room open.
“A word of advice, Tash?” she said. “It’s never that complicated.”