“The cancer’s back,” Maria finally says the words she’s been meaning to say for hours since Carol arrived.
She knew it would be hard to say and even harder for Carol to hear. Maria knows how much Carol loves her even if those words have never come from the blonde’s mouth.
Carol breathes in deep. It’s the kind of breath that gets stuck in your lungs.
“You’ll beat it again,” Carol says. She speaks it out as a fact. It has to be the truth.
“Carol-“
“Maria, you’ll beat it.”
“I need you to take care of Goose.”
“I’m not taking the cat,” Carol argues.
She’s always been so stubborn, Maria thinks.
“It’s just until Monica gets back,” Maria says.
Carol’s mind drifts. She thinks about the hours she’s spent before on this front porch. She wishes she could remember more of it.
Later that night, Maria finds Carol sitting on the end of the bed. It was their bed when Carol lived here before the crash.
Maria’s not sure that Carol remembers that fact. Nothing ever happened, but they found it easiest to share a bed. They were never alone. They had each other. And they had Monica.
Maria steps in front of Carol, kneeling to meet her eyes that are glued to the floor.
“I’m going to find her,” Carol says softly.
“It’s not on you to fix this, Carol,” Maria reminds her.
“I’ll find a way to bring her back,” she says. “I have to. You- I- we need her back.”
Maria places a soft hand on Carol’s cheek to wipe the tears that fall. Maria can’t count how many times she’s cried over losing her daughter.
“I miss our girl too, baby,” Maria says.
The term of affection slips out of her mouth. It feels right.
“I know I wasn’t there,” the blonde begins. She swallows to try and hold back sobs. “But I just- I thought about you two every day.”
“I know.”
“I wanted to be here. I should’ve been here,” she says. Carol stands and paces. “I should’ve seen Monica grow up. I should’ve been here with you. I don’t know why I was so fucking stupid and wasn’t here.”
“Carol-“
“No. Don’t try and make me feel better. I fucked up, Maria. And now Monica is gone and you’re sick. I can’t-“
“Hey, you’ve gotta breathe,” Maria says. She sits on the edge of the bed trying to keep herself steady. “Carol, come sit with me.”
The blonde woman hesitates but sits next to her best friend. The woman she loves. She lets Maria take her hand. Instantly, she feels a wave of nostalgia brush over her.
It’s the feeling she gets anytime she touches Maria. Like she’s home to her. She’s happy with her.
“It’s going to be okay,” Maria says softly. “I know it.”
“How could you know that?”
“Because it’s always okay,” Maria replies. "In the end, it’s always okay.”
“I don’t want it to be the end,” Carol says. She knows she sounds like an unreasonable teenager. But it’s just how she feels.
She turns to face Maria. She’s met with gentle eyes and a soft smile. Maria made peace with her sickness a long time ago.
There’s an urge for Carol to lean in. She feels herself being drawn closer to Maria. Her body aches, longs to be closer to her best friends.
Their lips are merely inches from touching. It’s only happened once before. One night after drinking a little too much at Pancho’s, Carol kissed Maria. It was brief but enough for the air to have changed between them.
For a few days, they had a hard time looking each other in the eye. Maria isn’t sure if Carol remembers it. Odds are she doesn’t.
“Maria,” Carol whispers.
“If we do this, we can’t go back,” Maria says.
“Have we done this before?” Carol asks.
It’s a rare moment of her actually acknowledging the need for a reminder. She typically just trudges through trying to piece things together herself.
“Once,” comes Maria’s answer. “A long time ago.”
“I don’t remember,” Carol says sadly.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not.”
“It is.”
“Maria.”
“Carol.”
The blonde leans in and finally connects her lips with Maria’s. It feels like there’s no weight on her shoulders anymore. Like nothing else matters than being here with this woman.
They kiss for what feels like eternity but is realistically only a few minutes. Maria’s stamina is low. She’s suddenly conscious of her inability to breathe properly.
“I love you,” Carol says once they’ve pulled away.
She holds Maria’s face in her hands.
Admiring how she’s aged, Carol brushes her fingers through the hair on the back of Maria’s neck. She’s never been more beautiful to her than she is now.
“You love me?” Maria asks. Carol nods. “I love you too.”
“You’re so beautiful,” Carol says.
“Please, I have aged and you, well, you look the same,” Maria says.
“You’re absolutely perfect,” Carol argues. “I’ve always thought you were, but now I just- I can’t help but see that you’re so beautiful.”
Maria feels that familiar warmth radiating through her body at Carol’s words. She used to make her feel this way all the time. Whenever she’d wrap an arm around her casually or call her an affectionate name, she’d feel the warmth in her body.
“Stay here tonight?” Maria asks.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Carol answers.
She kisses Maria’s forehead, her cheeks, and then her lips once more. They settle back in the bed, holding each other as tight as they can.
Carol will never forget the way it felt to finally hold Maria in her arms properly. She holds the memory in the front of her mind as she searches for Monica.
She’ll find her. And everything will be okay in the end. Just as Maria said.