All I Want
He never thought it would end this way. Out of all the things that could have happened, it had to end with everyone forgetting him. He knew one day that being Spider-Man would end, and after losing so many people he’s surprised he didn’t put away the suit himself. But he needed to protect what little he had left, and he had failed. He endangered everyone’s lives and messed up the multiverse.
Doctor Strange didn’t want to do this to him, who would want to do this to a child? But he couldn’t help but feel bitter anger fill him as he looked at the man who was meant to be powerful enough to help him. The man who he thought would save him.
As he turns around to look at Ned and MJ, his chest goes tight. He was overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was it. It is the last time he will ever see the people he calls family. He would never get to talk science and build Lego with Ned again. Never be able to laugh with MJ as she draws him. He would never see the remaining Avengers and talk to the people he admires again.
He would never be able to leave flowers on Aunt May’s grave, forever lost across the multiverse to a place she never existed. Would anyone remember to put them there for her? Or would Happy forget her because he only found her through him? At least she is next to Uncle Ben.
And him. He knows the spell will erase him entirely, every memory will be forgotten and everyone he loves would have never known him. He will be unmade. He thinks everything he has done will remain, but they won’t know who had done them, a distant memory that no one will bother to remember.
It may sound selfish but he longs to be remembered. Not through fear or power or something physical like a statue. He doesn’t want to be some Ozymandias-like tyrant who demands to exist. He simply wanted to be remembered through happiness. For people to think of him or something he has done and smile in fondness. To be able to make people’s lives just a little bit better.
Yet he had done the opposite. Guess it was always meant to end up this way. With him having to sacrifice everything and everyone he has worked so hard to keep. If only he never became Spiderman. Maybe then he wouldn’t have lost everyone he held close. But it was too late for wishful thinking. Now was the time he had to take the step to save the multiverse.
“I am sorry guys. I really never meant for you to be put in danger. I wanted to save people, to make a difference. Yet I led us here.” He said looking down. He couldn’t handle seeing their faces, the grief and sadness that he put there.
Arms envelop him and he struggles to stay standing under the weight of despair running through him. He doesn’t deserve this love. He doesn’t deserve them. But for one last time… he will allow himself to feel comfort.
“We will be okay Pete, you don’t need to worry about us,” Ned says as he hugs Peter close. He doesn’t know how to respond. How does he say goodbye to the one friend that has stayed with him through everything? What will he do without Ned there to be his man-in-the-chair? To be the one who he can be open to and share everything?
“I know Ned. Keep living, yeah? Go to MIT for me.” Peter says, trying to make the situation lighter. Only just realizing how much of his own life he is going to miss. He looks at MJ, their eyes meeting as tears silently rush down his face.
“It’s okay Peter, it’s okay. Whatever happens, I won’t forget you. I could never forget you.” MJ says into his shoulder, trying to hold it together for them all. He grips her jacket hoping to hold on as long as possible. They both know her words are a lie. But he doesn’t say it. He wants them to have this last bit of hope to keep them sane.
“Peter, it’s time. I can’t hold it for long.” He hears Strange say behind him. He hears MJ take in a shaky breath. She will forget him soon, she won’t have to deal with the pain of knowing him.
“It’s for the best MJ, you have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve to live it. I won’t hold you back anymore,” he whispers in her ear. She will be okay. He needs her to be.
As he pulls back he can feel both hers and Ned’s grip on his suit grow tighter. This is the last time he will get to hug his family. He looks over them both, trying to hold onto them a little longer. With a strained, watery smile, he leaves them for the last time.
Walking over to Strange, he looks into his eyes seeing nothing but pity. He doesn’t want his pity. He wants him to save him. But he can’t, all he can do is erase him. At least he can forget what he has to do.
“I don’t know where you will go, Peter. I can’t promise you it will be a good place. But it is the best I can do and the only way I can keep you alive.” Strange states. Peter knows he is sincere and even now tries to smile at him, hoping that it lessens his burden at least a little bit. He doesn’t need this to be more difficult than it already is even if Peter does want to break down and grovel on the floor. Begging for him to let him stay, to find a way for him to keep his life. But it is fruitless. This is it.
As Strange starts the spell, he spends minutes in those few seconds. Just living, taking in what was his home. Allowing himself to feel for the people he is leaving for the last time. Maybe there is a universe out there where they are happy with him. If it doesn’t exist, he can only hope that this will be the universe where they will be happy, even if it is without him in it.
A familiar feeling washes over him. A hollow feeling starts from his legs, making its way up his body. Once again, he is turning to dust. He can’t help but be reminded of Mr Stark, his face as he disappeared the first time. He never got the chance to say goodbye then, only apologize. He got to do both this time.
As his body turns to ash, drifting off into the wind, he looks up to Strange. He has tears in his eyes as well as determination. He is doing the right thing, however much neither of them wants to do it.
“All those people I saved… will they be okay?” Peter asks quietly. He needs to know that he is helping people by destroying himself. It needs to be for something. He has lost so many people in his life, that he can’t let anyone else die.
Strange gives him a strangled smile.
“We will be okay Peter. And you will be too,” he says. It’s the last thing Peter hears before he is gone.
Weightless and floating. For the first time in a long time… he feels at peace.