The day on the aircraft, after Tony had met Steve, he looked over at him and saw Steve’s face pinched up. His eyes were squeezed shut so tight, skin around them getting lighter. Jaw clenched, a painful portrait. Nothing much was happening at the time. Steve was just standing there. The gears in Tony’s head started turning.
But Tony soon forgets. He flies up to space. Swallowed by darkness. Cold. Fear. He forgets about Steve’s pinched up face that day, and for many days after, because his own life falls to pieces after New York.
The world doesn’t seem to work the way it used to for Tony and he spends his nights buried in sweat, waking up screaming, or avoiding sleep and everything else in his life completely. Things from his past find their way to him again, like New York had been an invitation.
Then of course, Pepper breaks up with him. He doesn’t blame her. It’s cold at night.
In the days after the breakup, Tony walks around the empty tower. He thinks about New York a lot which makes sense because he’s in fucking New York. He begins to question his place in the wide open rooms. It’s not like Pepper was here all the time. It just feels different. He can barely sleep. He feels so pathetic. He can build entire aircrafts, iron man suits, and whatever else he thinks of but he can’t make anyone stay.
Maybe it’s the loneliness that gets him to do it. Maybe it’s the fear he feels when he walks around at night like a scared little kid. Sure he’s got Rhodey and Pepper (as a friend now, just a friend) but they don’t live in the tower. JARVIS is here which is nice but as much as Tony talks to him, he’s not a real person. Maybe it’s the fact that in the middle of the night, when he’s walking around to avoid sleep, he gets an incredibly stupid idea.
Why not invite the Avengers?
He then proceeds to come up with three hundred reasons why he shouldn’t invite the Avengers to live in the tower. They range from a fear that they will all learn to hate each other, Natasha will purposely murder someone, Clint will accidentally murder someone, and the strongest of all, a fear that they will all decline the invitation and never want to speak with him again. The last fear, he knows, is somewhat irrational but it still sears its way into his mind.
A week later he finds out that Steve is living in some shitty apartment that SHIELD provided him and Tony knows what he has to do.
He invites each member of the Avengers. He then goes to his workshop and blasts music for two hours, trying to distract himself with designing a better suit for Rhodey.
Surprisingly, every Avenger accepts the invitation (with the exception of Thor who comes more often as a visitor than an actual inhabitant of the building). Tony is simultaneously relieved and terrified. But hey, what more has he got to lose?
They all come with varying levels of bags or boxes and with varying levels of comfort and trust. Tony’s glad that Natasha and Clint have each other. He’s glad that Bruce is overjoyed at the lab Tony provides him. Then there’s Steve.
Steve comes the first day with a bag slung around his shoulder and a brown box under his arm. He doesn’t say much and always seems to be exercising. Tony doesn’t really know what he does with the rest of his days.
That’s about all he knows about Steve. Not Captain America but Steve.
—--
“Tony please tell me you’ve told the team” comes Rhodey’s voice from the screen in front of him. Tony shuffles his feet and fidgets with the tool in his hand. Rubbing the grease around his fingers until he can almost pretend he doesn’t hear Rhodey.
Rhodey looks unimpressed on the screen and waits for an answer he already knows.
“Oh yes, you’re right we all go around every night and hold hands in a sharing circle where we discuss our feelings and crushes and end up in a group hug.” Tony says, giving a thumbs up.
“Tones, this is more than that and you know it.”
Tony runs his dirty, grease stained fingers through his hair, pulling a little bit. His tongue swirls around his mouth.
“I can’t”
“You can.”
Tony sighs hopelessly. “I’m not going to. I am doing perfectly fine thanks for checking in love you honeybear.”
He, like a coward, then ends the call and runs to take a shower as if Rhodey is in the room and can follow him.
___
The team begins doing team training exercises. Bruce suggests that they do team bonding exercises as well. It will only help to gain more trust and comfort with each other.
This is how Tony finds himself crammed around a table in the common area of the tower, playing card games with two trained assassins, a super soldier, and a brilliant scientist (who happens to also be a giant rage monster on occasion).
“Aw c’mon Clint is definitely cheating again” Steve groans
“Jarvis, has Katniss been playing dirty?” Tony asks with a smirk
“Yes sir, he has looked at his cards 14 times in the last four minutes.”
Clint sticks his tongue out and looks at the ceiling. Natasha elbows him. Bruce rolls his eyes.
“We are the avengers Clint. What kind of example are you setting about integrity?” Steve says, a bit playfully.
“Are we the Avengers of card games?”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“You don’t make sense. I was playing creatively.”
“I think I’m going to head to bed now.” Bruce nods towards the elevator.
“This was good.” is all Natasha says before slipping away.
Clint runs after Natasha and she whips around and grabs his hands just before he tries to leap on her back.
Steve begins to pick up the cards and Tony starts the coffee machine.
“It’s a bit late for caffeine?” Steve says, looking questionably at Tony.
“Thanks Mom.” comes from Tony, hunched over the counter.
Steve continues flipping the cards in the right direction and putting them in the small red box. He hums a bit of a song Tony doesn’t recognize.
“What song?” Tony says, still turned away from Steve.
“Huh?”
“What song ‘r you humming?”
“Oh, I’m not sure actually. Must’ve heard it from the radio recently.”
The coffee machine continues to make noises, as Steve continues to hum. Together the two form a quiet song. Then the machine dings and Tony pulls the mug into his hands and waits for it to cool down. Tony turns around and notices that Steve has finished cleaning up and is staring at the table absently, not humming anymore. He looks almost distressed. His eyes, a bit scrunched up. Tony remembers the battle of New York and Steve’s face then. Tony tries to find something to say while Steve suddenly becomes aware he’s being watched, straightens his spine and starts walking away.
Tony catches up to him. Steve, with an unreadable, cloudy face says “Nice night huh. It’s good to see everyone getting along in a different setting.”
“Yeah.” is all Tony says because he’s still trying to figure out what that expression Steve had on his face meant.
They get in the elevator and tap two buttons. The elevator whirs softly.
“I don’t think I thanked you enough for letting us all stay here. Real nice of you.” Steve smiles but it looks like there’s something hiding behind it.
“Oh well, no problem Cap. I uh, it’s been nice for me too.” Tony stops before he can say anything else.
They arrive on Steve’s floor and Steve gets out, nods, and walks away saying “Night Tony, get some sleep.”
Yeah right. Tony thinks.
However he can’t seem to forget that look Steve had in the kitchen.
____
A couple weeks later Steve goes out on a mission with SHIELD (Steve’s new favorite pastime apparently). Tony is having an alright day, having managed to get some sleep the night before. He still had bad days (a lot) and Rhodey still checks up on him about it and relentlessly suggests he tell the team or more recently at least someone on the team.
Tony is having none of that. He’s already the weakest on the team as it is. No one needs to know about his “anxiety issues”.
The past few weeks with the team, surprisingly, have been pretty great. Sure he occasionally excuses himself to go curl up and barely breathe in the bathroom or skips training some days because he can’t pull himself out of a nightmare that he woke up from.
But the team really has been good.
He gets an alert from Jarvis that Steve is back from his mission. “Is he okay?” Tony asks Jarvis. “That would depend on what you mean by ‘okay’ sir. For your information he has sustained a mild injury and is not currently in med bay.”
By the time Tony gets up to Steve’s floor he’s more curious than upset. He knows Steve knows they have a med bay. Steve knows it’s especially for the Avengers. Tony doesn’t quite know what’s up but he can guess it has something to do with the looks he finds on Steve’s face sometimes and his quietness about anything relatively personal.
He tells Jarvis to alert Steve he’s coming and to ask permission. He doesn’t want to just burst into Steve’s floor. Jarvis gives him the affirmative, adding that Steve says that this is “very unnecessary”. Tony rolls his eyes because he’s somehow beginning to have a soft spot for the man.
He walks cautiously to find Steve seated on his couch, wrapped in a blanket in what looks like a hasty attempt to hide any injuries. Tony sits down and states “Hey so I know there are some idiots on this team, but I’m not one of them.”
Steve has a fake little grin and oh now Tony’s a bit angry.
“Okay okay maybe the team is actually highly intelligent and Clint just likes to act like an idiot. Anyway, not the point. My point is, cut the bullshit Cap. I know you’re hurt. I know you’re hiding it. Honestly there’s a few other things I’d like to have answers to but let’s start with one. Why aren’t you in med bay right now?”
Steve’s eyes stay focused on a spot just beyond Tony. He answers in his soldier voice, like he would while debriefing a mission “I don’t need med bay.”
Tony lets out a small sigh. “I know you heal faster with your superhuman abilities and hell I don’t know, maybe you think you’re too strong for this or maybe – ”
Tony stops because he can see Steve’s face start to pinch up again.
Something clicks a little in his brain. Only because he knows little signs for himself. When Tony starts to panic or get flashbacks or just deal with the intensity of everything, he knows he curls his pointer finger around his thumb and clenches his fist so hard his knuckles go white. Sometimes he fidgets with things in his hand to stay grounded when he can. He’s sure Rhodey knows these things too.
So this is when he realizes, there’s more to this injury than physical pain for Steve. He knows because he’s seen Steve go cold and distant even when he doesn’t have a physical injury.
“Hey” Tony says softer, as he realizes Steve doesn’t currently have a Rhodey in his life. Or anyone really. Seeing as they are quite literally gone.
Steve looks at Tony and bites his lower lip a bit. Tony hopes that he doesn’t screw this up right now but suddenly he feels nervous. He and Steve don’t talk like this. He probably shouldn’t even be invading Steve’s personal space like this. There’s a voice in his head telling him that these are all excuses but he thinks them anyway.
He takes a deep breathe and looks straight into Steve’s stoic ocean blue eyes
“I know this is about more than your injury.”
Steve’s expression shifts slightly, looking at Tony as if he’s just accused him of something.
He can see the gears in Steve’s head turning, wondering where this is coming from.
“Look I know I’m not the best person for this, but I… I do care about you Steve. I’m always here if you want to talk. I’m not gonna force anything out of you right now ‘cause you should focus on getting your ass down to med bay, but it’s probably not good to keep your shit so locked up inside.” Tony says, feeling hypocritical but meaning every word of it for Steve.
Steve doesn’t say anything but nods fast once. Sharp. Almost afraid.
“Let’s get you down to med bay then, huh?”
“No”
“Yup”
“Super Soldier”
“I don’t care. Go.”
“Don’t need to.”
“Humor me then, won’t you Cap?”
Steve groans and pulls off the blanket to reveal an oddly positioned arm.
“Please don’t tell the team about this.” Steve says
“Okay.” is all Tony replies, knowing Steve is talking about more than the injury.
—-
Tony wanders into the common area at precisely two am in the morning. He’s attempting to shake himself out of a nightmare. He had gone to bed early, actually exhausted from a day filled with continuous work for the company (which yes Pepper mostly runs but that doesn’t mean Tony doesn’t have any work). He had been so close to sleep and then suddenly he had been surrounded by darkness. It was cold. There was a cave and people shouting. He couldn’t breathe and men were shoving him around harshly.
He had then proceeded to get out of the covers as fast as he could and decided to take a walk which had led him to the common area in hopes of finding some company.
He is surprised though, to actually find company as he shuffles into the kitchen.
Steve is standing stiffly, holding a mug to his lips, staring into nowhere until he sees Tony.
“Oh, uh, hi” is all he mumbles.
“Hi capsicle”
He wants to ask what Steve’s doing awake but decides against it.
“Whatcha drinking?” Tony says as he rummages around to find a mug for himself.
“Milk”
Tony turns and raises an eyebrow at Steve
“Warm Milk” Steve says, trying to make his case better.
Tony starts the coffee machine and stands next to Steve.
“You know, you can’t really judge me for drinking this, as you’re making coffee in the middle of the night.” Steve says matter of factly.
“Fair point. Couldn’t sleep?” Tony replies, fiddling with the hem of his pajama shirt.
“No.”
Tony turns to grab his coffee as the machine dings.
He places his hands around the warmth. Warm he thinks to himself. This is warm. You’re safe. No one’s hurting you now.
“You don’t sleep much.” Steve tells him
“I’m guessing you don’t get much sleep either, big guy.” Tony says while looking down into his mug.
He doesn’t really know what to say from there. Steve doesn’t seem to either.
He decides to take Rhodey’s advice because he knows deep down that he’s right.
Besides this might help Steve feel more comfortable to talk too.
Tony nods towards the couch and they both sit down. There’s a soft light in the room.
“When I was….” Tony swallows. He takes a deep breath and holds the mug tightly, “When I was in Afghanistan, they uh did some things.”
Steve looks expectantly at him. Sipping his warm milk.
“They tortured me. It was awful. I couldn’t breathe.” He chokes out. His chest tightens. This is so much harder than he thought it would be.
“When I got back home, I just tried to forget about it. There was so much going on, that it didn’t affect me too much. Then New York happened and it all went to complete shit. It was as if, after I came back from space, everything came back to me.”
Steve’s face is etched with discomfort. Fair, Tony thinks.
“I couldn’t- er can’t sleep now. All this stuff I thought I had shoved deep down, decided to show itself.” New York. Space. Afghanistan. Howard.
“It’s, well, it’s more than sleep though. It’s..” he sighs and gives Rhodey a mental fuck you
“I’m not doing okay, or whatever and I’m not saying this for pity or anything I just I want you to know, or maybe it’s best you know that I’m struggling. And..”
He accepts this now. “And that’s okay. It makes sense. I’m so fucked up.” Tony laughs, half out of sheer disbelief at this admission. He clears his throat, shifts his hands around and looks at Steve.
Steve looks down at his lap the second their eyes meet. Tony notices how a strand of Steve’s hair falls into his eyes. Steve keeps looking into his own lap like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. After several seconds, he speaks.
“I’m sorry.” Steve says and then looks like he’s going to say something more.
Tony sits while Steve thinks.
“I can’t sleep either. I’ve got stuff that makes me…not be able to. Sorry. This is all so..”
Steve throws his hand up in the air as if that explains it all.
That’s all he says. For now, Tony thinks, for now this is enough.
—-
They have their little talks like this. Steve, in the kitchen in the dead of night, Tony comes around and they stand in silence or watch a movie. Tony’s on the common room couch and Steve will come and sit, maybe even sleep. It works. They, in some odd way, comfort each other.
Tony goes out as Iron Man still, though they are never really any Avenger level threats.
Steve goes out on a ton of SHIELD missions. Too many, Tony thinks. It’s definitely too many.
Tony comes up from his workshop upon hearing Steve has come back from yet another mission and is sitting in the kitchen. Tony fixes his hair a bit in the elevator. He convinces himself that it doesn’t mean anything. He just wants his hair to look nice.
He finds Steve, sitting at the kitchen counter, his chin resting on one hand, reading a newspaper. Tony can’t help but feel a warm surge in his chest. He’s so happy to see Steve back. He worries. More than he’ll admit to anyone.
Tony makes his way over in mismatched socks across the smooth floor.
“Hey Steve”
Steve looks up and grins, putting the newspaper down.
“Hi Tony”
Tony sits down on the chair next to Steve
“How was the mission?”
“Good.” Steve spits out and looks away
“Uh huh. Yeah.” Tony sighs
Tony places his head down onto his hands, laying on the counter. He’s tired. He wants Steve to stop going on so many missions. It can’t be good for him. He’s also just, so tired. It’s nice when Steve’s around. He’s not sure what this means but it’s nice.
___
Someone’s tapping his shoulder.
He ignores it.
“Hey”
The tapping continues
“Mmm” is all Tony grumbles
“Uh” a voice says and then Tony looks up to see Steve staring at him.
“You were asleep for a bit but I figured I’d wake you. This can’t be comfortable.”
Tony’s back agrees with that. Aching on cue.
“Are you calling me an old man, old man?”
“Maybe” Steve gets up from his chair
“Where ‘r you headed?” Tony asks, still heavy with sleep.
“Gonna get some sleep.”
“Bullshit”
“Fine, maybe I’m going to the gym.” Steve shrugs
“No” Tony says and without thinking takes Steve’s hand and brings him over to the couch.
The world is so foggy but he wants Steve here. Steve needs rest anyway, not working out.
He lets go of Steve’s very warm hand and curls up on the couch. He gently lays his head on Steve’s shoulder.
“Just stay.”
Steve’s shoulders tense and then relax
“Okay.”
“One more thing” Tony mumbles, waving a finger up in the air.
“What?” Steve says, clearly amused.
“Please stop going on so many missions” and the world is starting to fade out again.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Steve says sadly as Tony falls asleep yet again.
Steve eventually falls asleep too.
____
The sky is blazing with fire. Robots are everywhere with some wanna-be supervillain blasting out his voice from their speakers.
Tony can’t tell which robot the guy is in because there are so many.
“Tony, do you know which one he’s in?” Steve says over the comm.
“Trying to figure that out, actually” Tony says.
One of Clint’s arrows flies right by Tony’s helmet and then explodes into a robot.
“It’s not that one!” Clint’s voice shouts over the comms
“Jarvis buddy, what’ve you got for me? Which one of these is it?”
Blue lights flash by his eyes as Jarvis scans. Robot to robot. Then, it stops and zooms in on a building.
“It appears none of these sir. However there is a life form on the top of those buildings, who seems to be controlling the sound systems of these… robots”
“That’s my boy” Tony says, flying up towards where Jarvis has located the wanna-be supervillain.
He almost makes it to the top. Reaches out. Except he can’t. Because the suit goes stiff.
And suddenly he’s falling through the New York Sky, systems completely deactivated.
Steve is mid battle, when he looks to the sky and see’s the Iron Man suit falling.
—
As soon as Tony is released from med bay he goes to his workshop and looks at the scraps of his torn apart Iron Man suit. Luckily the Hulk had caught him as he fell. He didn’t have a long way to fall anyway. He barely had a few bad scrapes and detested med bay altogether but Steve had looked at him with such desperation that he had gone anyway.
When he’d been left alone in med bay, laying in a bed, he had finally realized how badly he was shaking. He tried to get it to stop. It wouldn’t.
That didn’t matter now. He is fine. He is alive. So is everyone else. Everything is fine really.
He figures he might as well start working on a new suit since this one had been trashed. Sure he has previous marks but there is something so addicting about making a suit better than the last. This time he has to figure out how to make the suit completely unaffected by villains rays, which had tripped him up this time.
Tony takes a deep breath. He’s up for this challenge.
Sometime later, when his head is buried deep within calculations and blue light from the screens, Steve comes into the room.
“You’re done.” Steve says with angry eyes, brows furrowed.
Tony clears the screens and turns towards Steve, rubbing his ear
“I’m sorry what?” Tony asks
“You’re done. You can’t go on any more missions. That’s it.” Steve says.
“Uh what? I don’t...” Tony trails off and looks questioningly at Steve who has his arms crossed and looks very stiff. Filled with agitation. Like a stick about to break.
Steve doesn’t explain further.
Tony lets out a sad, desperate laugh for a second which makes Steve look even more distressed.
“Okay okay, Steve no. Does this ring a bell for you? One friend asking the other to stop going on missions because it’s too reckless and dangerous to be doing it so much. Except when you think about it, your missions are much more dangerous and much more frequent. You do realize how ironic this is right? I’ve been on plenty of outings as Iron Man. I’m fully capable. I don’t do nearly as many missions as you seem to throw yourself into.” Tony says.
“But you could die Tony.” Steve says softly.
Was Steve just now realizing this?
“I can’t.” Steve says. He uncrosses his arms and steps closer to Tony.
“Hm last time I checked Steve, you’re not actually immortal.”
“Yeah but..”
“No. You could die Steve. You. Could. Die.”
Steve’s eyes go unfocused.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Tony pauses. His brain takes a few seconds to catch up with what Steve just said out loud.
Steve seems to be realizing what he said too as his face goes pale, paler than usual. His blue eyes widening. He stays still.
“Oh. Oh Steve.”
“It’s okay” Steve says very quietly, pulling his shoulders inward, as if ashamed to feel any pain at all.
Tony decides to wait before saying anything else, nodding towards Steve to continue.
“It’s just, with the serum and everything, I’m supposed to be this golden man. I’m supposed to be… perfect. I can’t get sick. I have super strength. I should be fine. I’m supposed to be fine. I’m fine. I am…fine.” Steve says, voice cracking.
Tony doesn’t wait any longer to pull Steve into a tight hug.
“You’re not fine.” Tony whispers and Steve hugs tighter.
Steve gasps for air. They stand there as Steve lets himself cry. After keeping himself from anything like this before, Steve lets himself be held.
___
Steve lets Tony walk him up to his floor. Tony sits outside as Steve showers. He hugs him again when Steve gets out. Steve doesn’t say anything.
He doesn’t say anything as he crawls into bed, clearly exhausted. He doesn’t say anything as Tony pulls the covers over him and starts to walk away.
It’s then that Steve says “Stay.”
And so Tony does. He lays down very gently and leaves a wide gap in between him and Steve. He listens to Steve’s shaky breathing, until it becomes softer and even. He lets himself accept how he feels about Steve, how deeply it really runs. How much he wants to take all of this pain away from Steve and stuff it inside himself instead. He knows that this is impossible but it’s what he visualizes as he finally falls asleep.
He doesn’t have any dreams.
——-
Tony wakes up as early morning light seeps into the room. His brain takes its time to register the events of yesterday. He feels a sadness in his chest. An anger, tightening. He’s not angry with Steve. He’s angry at the world. At himself, for not putting the pieces together sooner. He doesn’t know what to do. He’s lying here, in Steve’s bed, and he feels helpless. He hasn’t shared a bed with anyone since Pepper and he certainly didn’t imagine it would be like this.
He turns over softly to face Steve. Steve’s hair is messed up, tangled into his eyes. He looks peaceful like this. He looks beautiful. Tony wants to wake up next to him forever. He takes this in and focuses on Steve’s sleeping face. His heart swells up. He’s so incredibly-
Steve wakes up all at once. He visibly flinches when his eyes meet Tony’s. Tony can see his thoughts running. Steve’s hatred as he clenches his eyes shut again. His fear when they open and dart around Tony’s face. He looks so scared.
Tony swallows “Steve. Hey.”
He doesn’t know what to say.
Steve’s mouth forms a frown. He bites his lip, hard.
“Hey. Tony. I’m- I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have any reason to be sorry, Steve. This isn’t your fault.”
Steve closes his eyes again and presses his hands against his face.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Steve says.
“Yes, you should have. God, Steve you don’t have to take on the goddamn world alone. I know you feel like you should. There’s no going back now, okay? Don’t regret anything. Stop, stop beating yourself up about this. I- I really do care about you. This- this- ah. You don’t deserve this shit. I’m sorry. I wish I was a different person. Someone who’d be better at this. For you. Better for you.”
Steve takes his hands off his eyes. He looks at Tony with such intensity.
“Don’t say that” Steve sits up. Sliding the covers off. He shivers and puts them back on but stays sitting. Tony sits up too.
“You’re the best thing that happened to me in this century.” Steve says with the same intensity, maybe even more. Something unreadable flashes over Steve’s eyes and he slowly gets out of the bed. He stands up and walks to the bathroom, shuts the door. Tony hears it click.
‘You’re the best thing that happened to me in this century.’ runs through Tony’s head on a loop.
He’s got a lot to figure out.
-
The rest of the day is, well, awkward at best. They go down to the kitchen and Tony tries to make breakfast for both of them but Steve insists on doing it.
Steve goes for a run.
He doesn’t come back until the evening, says nothing about what he was doing.
They sit in silence while the tv blares a movie that Tony’s not sure either of them are really paying attention to.
When it finishes Steve gets off the couch and stands up straight.
Tony stands too. “What are we gonna do?”
Steve sighs. “I’m not sure. But we’ll do it together.”
“Yeah.” Tony agrees.
His throat closes up and he feels like he’s floating.
“Together.” Tony says softly.
-
Two days later Tony sits in his workshop. Parts sprawled across the table. He’s been here for too many hours but he doesn’t want to leave. He keeps thinking about Steve.
Naturally of course, wouldn’t he be a bad person if he wasn’t?
He keeps finding his thoughts tracing back to Steve’s words in the bed. His words on the couch.
‘You’re the best thing that happened to me in this century.’
He swishes his arms out in front of himself. Waving his arms in different directions. Trying to clear his head but all that gets him is an image of Steve and his blue eyes. His neatly combed hair. His hair in the bed. The way he smiles sometimes. His laughs at Tony’s absurd jokes. His hands brushing against Tony’s on the couch, late at night. His. Perfect. Fucking. Face.
Tony’s heart speeds up without his permission.
“Shit.” He says outloud. Dum-E swivels in Tony’s direction.
He cares about Steve so much almost scares him. No, it does scare him. Careful Steve, making his way through life, shielding the people around him. Steve who cried in Tony’s arms. Steve who tries so hard to be the person everyone wants him to be. He’s so strong. Tony knows Steve doesn’t see himself this way but he is. He’s strong for getting up in the morning every day. He’s strong for continuing, even though he doesn’t want to.
Tony doesn’t want to die. Yes, he’s struggling. It’s hard to sleep and his hands shake too much. It’s in a different way than Steve though.
Tony wants so desperately for Steve to want to live. He wants him to get better, in any capacity. He’s going to be there for Steve. He has to. He wants to so badly that he feels it swelling in his chest.
As if on cue, summoned by Tony’s non stop thoughts, Steve pops into the workshop. He stands in the doorway. Steve shifts on his feet. Leaning from one side to the other. He looks nervous.
“Hi.” Steve says, leaning against the doorway. His head shifts to the side “Got a sec?”
Tony’s heart speeds up again. Oh shit. How is he ever going to get through this without his heart popping straight out of his chest?
“Uh. Yes. Hi. Yeah. Yes.” Tony says and then clears his throat unnecessarily.
Steve gives him a strange look before taking a deep breath and announcing that he’s going on a mission.
“No. Steve. No. You shouldn’t.” Tony says so quickly that the words almost blend together.
“I’m not asking for your permission. I just figured I’d let you know.” Steve curls his fingers together.
“Steve.” Tony pleads.
“Tony.” Steve smiles.
Tony has so many thoughts in so little seconds that he can barely process them.
“When are you leaving?” Tony asks because as much as he doesn’t want Steve to go, he knows it's no use trying to convince him not to.
“Tonight. Soon. Gonna eat dinner then go.”
“Let’s go eat then.” Tony says, walking towards Steve.
“Sounds good” Steve smiles again.
Halfway through their meal in the common room, after several minutes of normal conversation, Tony says “I’m still upset about this you know.”
Steve shoves another bite of pasta in his mouth. He chews, swallows. He squints his eyes and looks straight at Tony.
“I’m still going to go on missions. You can’t stop me.” Steve says seriously.
“I’m not going to stop you, obviously. You’re the stubbornest person I know. Plus you’re pure fucking, muscle and sheer strength. How could I?” Tony says playfully.
“But. That doesn’t mean you don’t have to know how much I detest this. Why do this to yourself? It can’t be healthy. Purposely throwing yourself into fights, not really-” He pauses and looks down.
“-Not really caring about if you make it out alive.” He chokes out the words, wishing they weren’t true.
He looks back up at Steve who is staring at him sadly. Steve turns away, taking another bite of food. And another.
“I’m sorry.” Steve says “I have to.”
Tony pushes his unfinished plate away. He feels sick. “I know.”
They sit in silence.
“Steve. Promise me you’ll come back okay?” Tony says, chest swelling up with care and sadness. Stomach filled with fear.
“I can’t.” Steve says.
“No. Please come back. Please. I- I need you to. Come back for me, if anything. Please Steve.”
“Okay.” Steve says and Tony doesn’t know if he really means it but he hopes, with all his heart, he hopes that Steve will come back. He knows, realistically, that it’s probably stupid to be so fearful because Steve has gone on plenty of missions like this. With the same sadness. The same headspace. Tony just feels like this time is different somehow. Now that Tony knows how hopeless Steve really feels. It feels like an awakening of some sort. That this time is different because he knows. He watches Steve leave. He closes his eyes and pleads to a God he doesn’t believe in that Steve will come back.
-
And he does. A week later Steve comes back with bruises that will soon go away and a sadness that won’t. Tony hugs Steve, wrapping his arms around Steve’s torso with such relief. With such care.
“Thank you.” Tony whispers.
Steve takes a deep breath.
“I came back for you.”
Tony’s had a week to fully process how he feels. He’s had a week to be sick with worry. He knows that he wants to be in this for as long as Steve will let him. He knows that neither of them are okay. He also knows that in some strange way, they work. The universe has allowed them these precious moments together. He knows that he feels comforted by Steve. He loves how Steve still reads the newspaper, maybe as a reminder of the past. How he looks out for the people around him. Tony feels like he’s going to cry. He’s just, so happy to know Steve.
“What does that mean exactly?” Tony asks. He knows Steve must care. If Tony’s the ‘best thing that’s happened’ to him. He must care.
Steve sucks in a quick breath. He jolts a little.
“It means, I came back. For you.”
Tony leans closer. Steve breathes fast again. He leans closer to Tony too.
“Do you want this? To be together? In, you know, a different way?” Tony asks, his heart pounding so hard he’s convinced Steve can hear it.
Steve moves his arms lower, wrapping them around Tony’s waist. He leans even closer until there’s almost no space between them.
“Yes. More than anything. It’s-I didn’t think you felt the same. I don’t-I’m so messed up Tony. But you have been there and I’m not sure of so many things but I’m sure of this. I want to be with you. If you really… want that with me.” Steve says. He bites his lip.
“Steve. Yes. For as long as you’ll have me.” Tony smiles.
He leans in and grabs Steve to close the little distance between him. He pulls him into another deep hug. Steve leans his head down on Tony’s shoulder. He feels the closeness. He feels Steve’s breathing and his hand on his back. He feels warm. Floating again, but in a good way.
Steve brings his head back to Tony’s and leans in. He kisses him with such gentleness. Tony kisses back. They lean their foreheads together and just breathe each other in.
He’s sure they’ll have time for a lot of things. For now though, he takes Steve’s hand and walks him to his room. He can tell Steve’s tired. The days away are weighing on him. He helps Steve change, looks at the disappearing bruises on Steve’s skin. They’re fading so fast. Steve hands Tony some too-big sleep clothes. Tony puts them on and lays down on the bed next to Steve. Steve pulls the covers over them. His eyes look droopy, as if they’re heavy. He’s so close to sleep. They lean in close, arms wrapped around each other.
“I’m scared.” Steve admits.
“I know. Me too. Together though, remember?” Tony says
“Together.” Steve repeats and closes his eyes.
Tony watches as Steve falls asleep. He looks peaceful again. Tony smiles soft and sad.
“Stay.” Tony says.
And Steve does.