Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today

“Is that who I think it is?” Sam Wilson exclaimed the moment Rose walked through the door of the Veteran Affairs building. 

He rushed out from behind the front desk and swept her up in his arms, nearly sending the cookie tray she held to the floor. Her dress fluttered around her ankles as he spun her around before setting her back onto her feet. Sam held Rose at arms length, taking a good long look at her. 

“How’ve you been, Rosie? We haven't seen you around here since…” he trailed off. His hand squeezed her shoulder. 

“I’ve been alright,” she lied. “Just working and…yeah, pretty much just working. Taking it day by day.” 

Sam nodded. “Glad to hear it. We miss you around here—both of you.” 

Rose focused on the tops of her sneakers to keep from crying. 

“I’ve missed you too,” she mumbled. And it was the truth. 

“You know you’re welcome here any time.” 

He meant it and that broke her a little. The VA, Sam mostly, still welcomed her with open arms even though she wasn’t a vet and didn’t have any more business there. 

Rose cleared her throat and thrust the cookie tray to his chest. 

“Are these the—”

“Double chocolate chunk,” Rose filled in for him. “With a coffee icing glaze. I used decaf.” 

Some of the vets preferred to avoid caffeine for one reason or another. Decaf and regular coffee were the first things on her grocery list when she’d gone to the shops earlier that morning—decaf for the glaze and regular for Bucky. 

“We really, really missed you Rosie,” Sam mumbled around a mouthful, having already cracked open the tray and stuffed a cookie in his mouth. “The store-bought stuff is crap compared to this.” 

Rose couldn't help but smile. She’d missed this place too, Sam mostly. 

“So what brings you in today?” Sam asked, taking another cookie before shutting the tray. He took a bite and groaned. “These are dangerous.” 

Rose chuckled before sobering quickly. “Actually, I really need to talk to someone and…you’re the first person that came to mind.” 

“Well paint me flattered,” Sam said smugly. “What’s goin’ on?” 

Just then a few people came through the doors. 

“Oh shoot.” Sam checked his watch. “I’ve got a session in a few minutes.” 

Sam greeted the newcomers, shaking hands with some, nodding politely to others, and directed them all to the large meeting room off to the right. 

“I came at a bad time,” Rose mumbled as more people filed into the building. “I’ll just go.” 

She made to turn for the doors but Sam caught her wrist before she could run away. 

“Woah, not so fast, kid.” You came in here needing to talk and we haven’t done that yet.” 

Rose opened her mouth to argue but he cut her off. 

“Come sit in on the session and we can talk after, okay?” 

Sam still held her wrist, as if knowing that she would bolt given the chance. 

“I…I don’t wanna intrude,” she mumbled to the floor. 

Sam’s face collapsed in understanding. “Hey, you’re not intruding on anything,” he spoke softly, rubbing a comforting hand up and down her arm. “I know Tara didn’t want you in the sessions, but she’s not here.” 

Hearing her name was knife to the gut. The tip of Rose’s nose prickled with the telltale sign of oncoming tears. 

“Come on, you can sit in the back if it’ll make you feel better. But just stick around where I can see you so I know you didn’t run away. Okay?” Sam bent over sideways at a ridiculous angle to make her meet his eye. 

Rose nodded, sniffing past her need to cry. “Yeah, okay,” she said a bit miserably. 

“Atta girl! Come on, let’s get you a seat.” 

Sam scooped up the cookie tray, threw an arm around Rose’s shoulders, and walked them both into the meeting room. A few people turned to look at them when the door opened. Rose spotted some familiar faces but many were new. 

“Hey everybody,” Sam greeted the room. He walked Rose to a chair at the back and then made his was to the podium at the front of the room to start the session. 

“Some of you might remember Rose and if you do, then you’ll also remember these cookies.” 

A few faces around the room lit up in recognition. Rose liked to imagine that they actually remembered her and not just her baking, but she couldn’t complain either way. 

“Double chocolate chunk with a coffee glaze icing. Y’all better get in on this before I inhale the whole tray.” 

“Decaf—” Rose mumbled from the back. 

“That’s right, decaf coffee glaze. Don’t be shy folks.” 

Sam set out the tray and people flocked to it, each grabbing a napkin and a cookie before taking their seats again. Rose had no words to describe the warm feeling in her chest that only spread as people mumbled appreciatively around mouthfuls of her baking. She’d missed having someone to bake for. 

“Alright,” Sam clapped his hands together. “Second helpings whenever y’all like. And let’s get started.” 

Rose had never sat in on a VA session before. She usually just brought cookies—or brownies or cupcakes—and left the tray with Sam, trusting he would send it back with Tara when the session was over. Of course, when Tara first started attending these meetings Sam had welcomed them both, even inviting Rose to sit in. But Tara didn’t want that. And Rose hadn’t wanted to break the tenuous peace that they’d established by pushing boundaries. 

The meeting was fairly similar to what Rose imagined it might be. The attendees took turns telling their stories. Some talked about bad experiences during their service, others talked about the difficulties of readjusting to life outside the military. Rose’s heart throbbed painfully all the while. 

When a man with a prosthetic leg introduced himself and spoke proudly of how he’d be walking his daughter down the aisle this coming weekend, Rose broke down in ugly sobs. She tried to keep it down but eventually someone turned around and passed her a tissue. She blubbered out her thanks. 

When the session wound to a close people went by the front of the room on their way out, either to thank Sam, grab another cookie, or both. Once everyone had cleared out Sam came and plopped down in the chair next to hers. He held out a napkin-wrapped cookie to her. 

“Saved you one,” he said. 

Rose accepted it even though eating was the last thing on her mind. The thin lines of coffee glaze were crumbling off into the napkin. Rose picked at one of the chocolate chunks sticking out from the dough.

“What brought you in Rosie? As much as I’d like to think you just missed my face, I think there’s something else.” 

She sighed. Her hands, still holding the cookie, dropped to her lap. 

“I don’t know what to do, Sam,” she admitted. 

“Wanna give me some more detail on that?” 

“I think…I did something stupid.” She abandoned the cookie in her lap and instead cradled her head in her hands. Her skin felt dry, probably because she hadn’t put on her usual moisturizer and sunscreen that morning. She hadn’t been taking very good care of herself the past couple days. 

Sam rubbed her back gently. “Are we talking bad tattoo kinda stupid or accidentally married in Tijuana kinda stupid?” 

“Worse,” she mumbled miserably. 

“Damn. You wanna tell me about it? I assume you do since you came all the way down here, but I’ve been wrong before.” 

Rose sucked in a steadying breath. “It’s a long story…and to be honest I don’t even know most of it, I mean he won’t really speak to me so I don’t know what he’s feeling or thinking or how he even got into my studio—” 

“Woah, Rosie, slow down,” Sam interrupted when her words began to pour out in one long breath. “There was a guy in your studio? Are you okay?” 

Rose nodded quickly. “I’m fine, physically at least, although—well he didn’t mean to, I don’t think—” 

“Okay kid, you’re making me panic here. Slow down and start at the beginning.” 

Rose shuffled in her seat, eyes locked on the cookie in her lap. Sam’s hand was still rubbing warm circles on her back. It was the first comforting touch she’d received in years. 

“A while ago I noticed some stuff going missing around my studio,” she began again, grateful that her voice didn’t shake. “Eventually it occurred to me to check the cameras. And that’s when I saw him. He was injured and he’d been taking food from the fridge. But only at night, like he didn’t wanna come out during the day and scare me or something—”

“A guy was squatting in your studio?” Sam raised a concerned brow. “Rosie, tell me you called the cops.” 

She glanced up at him from under wet lashes and Sam knew immediately that she hadn’t done anything that rational. 

“This is where the stupid part comes in. I brought him home.” 

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Rosemary—”

“I know, I know! You don’t have to say it. But Sam, he’s—I think he’s a vet. And honest to god, I don’t think he wants to hurt me. I think he’s been through some real shit and needs a place to come back to himself. I just…” her voice wavered. “I’m in over my head.” 

“What do you mean?” he pressed. 

“He…well he doesn’t talk much. But he watches me a lot, like he’s waiting for something. And I think his PTSD is really bad because—” Rose choked on a sob she’d been holding back for days. 

“What’d he do?” Sam’s voice held none of its usual mirth. 

She sniffed and began rolling up the sleeve of her cardigan. Hidden beneath the pale green material was a fresh purple bruise in the rough shape of a hand. 

Sam swore under his breath and gingerly took her arm to examine the injury. 

“Shit, Rosie, this ain’t okay. Did he hurt you anywhere else—”

Rose was already shaking her head. 

“No! No, it was an accident. It just scared me is all.” 

“Looks pretty intentional to me,” Sam said bitterly. He traced the length of what was clearly a finger bruised onto her flesh. 

“I startled him. We were eating lunch and he was kinda staring off into nothing so I waved my hand in front of him—it was stupid, I know—but I don’t think he really meant to do it Sam. The way he moved—” Rose shook her head to clear the memory that had been haunting her for days “—it was like autopilot. And he only held me for a few seconds.” She left off the part where she’d cried in the bathroom afterwards. 

“He’s just in so deep that I don’t think he knows how to begin working his way out. I know Tara’s PTSD was bad, but it was nowhere near this. And I just don’t want to lose someone again, Sam, I don’t know what to do—” she broke on a sob. 

“Okay, it’s okay Rosie. We’ll figure it out,” Sam reassured her. 

Rose cried harder. That was the same thing he’s said to her the first time she’d dragged Tara to the VA. 

“Think you can get him to come in for a session?” 

Rose shook her head. 

“No, no he doesn’t do well when we go out. And I don’t think he’s ready to see other people.” 

It was the truth, but there was the added fact that to the world, Bucky Barnes had been dead for the better part of a century. There was no explaining that to Sam or the vets that came in for group sessions. 

Sam sighed. “Alright, well I could come by your place, talk to him one on one—” 

Rose was shaking her head again. 

“No, Sam. Thank you, but no. I don’t think it would go well. I just…” she sighed, staring up at the chipped ceiling paint. “I just need some advice on how to do this.”
 
“Well I think you know pretty much all my advice at this point. You have done this before.” 

“Not like this, Sam. This is so much worse than Tara was. And you know how it turned out with her.” 

Rose’s shoulders quivered with her crying. Sam placed a gentle kiss on her hair and pulled her in close so she could cry on his shoulder. 

“That wasn’t your fault and you know it,” he reminded her gently once her sobs had eased. “And you’re probably doin’ better than you think with this guy. It’s natural to have setbacks in these situations. Sounds like your guy has some triggers, sudden movement for starters. It’ll take some time but just keep an eye on him, you’ll start to see the others. Not everything is gonna be a big trigger, you already know that, so keep an eye out for the little things too. And as best you can, try to establish a sense of normal for him. Pick a routine and stick to it. Try to not let him see you too upset or he might get further in his own head about that. But that does not mean you get to bottle up your own crap, When you need to get stuff off your chest you call me, got that?” 

Sam shook her a little and Rose nodded. She’d forgotten how well Sam really knew her. 

“I’m serious, if you need anything you just call me and I’ll be there with tissues and ice cream, or a can of whoop-ass, if that’s what you need.” 

A hiccupping laugh escaped her, slipping past the last few tears that slid down her face. 

“Thanks, Sam. You’re the best.” 

“Spread the word, would ya?” 

Rose chuckled and nudged him with an elbow. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment. 

“Actually, I’m gonna give you the number of one of the other VA guys,” Sam said and pulled his arm from around her shoulders to dig through his wallet. 

“What, why?” 

Sam sighed. “I’m going out of town for bit, gotta help a friend with something,” he explained vaguely. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back so if you need anything in the next couple weeks just call this number—” he tapped the business card he’d placed in her hand. 

“Is your friend okay?” Rose asked, clutching the card in both hands. 

Sam shook his head with a tired smile. “Why do you always worry about everyone else more than yourself? He’s fine. Just needs a bit of help finding someone. I’ll be back before you know it.” 

Rose couldn’t shake the heavy feeling in her gut. 

“Please be careful, Sam.” 

He nodded and rubbed her arm. “I will. And I’ll check in once I’m back in town. We can grab coffee and catch up for real.” 

Rose nodded eagerly. “That sounds nice.” 

They sat in amicable silence for a while, her head on his shoulder, listening to the quiet whoosh of the ceiling fans, until Sam decided to break it. 

“So…you gonna eat that cookie?” 

Rose broke out in giggles, practically doubling over in her chair. Once she collected herself and sat up, she broke the cookie in two and handed the bigger half to Sam. He inhaled it while she nibbled on her piece. And when that was gone, Sam collected the empty tray and walked Rose to the doors. 

“Seriously, call that number if you need it. Or call me if it’s real bad and I’ll fly back quick as I can.” 

She smiled and hugged him. Sam squeezed her tight and Rose felt a tiny piece of her broken heart click back into place. It was her first real hug since funeral. 

“Thank you, Sam. Seriously. If ever need anything I’m here for you too.” 

“Well I wouldn’t complain if you brought more cookies by sometimes,” he half joked. 

Rose smiled up at him, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. “It’s a deal then. I’ll see you soon?” 

Sam nodded. “Coffee when I get back. My treat.” 

“Be careful out there.” 

“Always am.”