So one of the obvious requirements of running a rescue mission when one of your guys is kidnapped. Is you stay sober especially if you’re the god damn getaway driver.
But one joint away from developing dementia over here didn’t get that memo. The center console is full of Devil’s lettuce butts and he’s not in any hurry to get this junker rolling.
Even as the bullets whiz by them and Bucky followed by Loki and Zemo piled in. Tony turned around “I don’t know man I think I’ll just stay here.” That is until Bucky’s size ten kicked him hard in the back of the head. “Fucking bastard it’s your job now get this fucker rolling before I put one in the back of your head!
Zemo sighed as Tony froze rebooted and was now completely off the fucking rails. Yelling “IVE GOT TO GET TO NEW YORK! JANIS JOPLIN’S CALLING ME BACK SHE WANTS ME TO DEFEAT THE BORGS ASAP!”
Then screamed something unintelligible as he buckled his seatbelt and put the peddle to the metal. Only issue with that is when he made the u turn that almost flipped the suv. It was right into the fucking camp of the assholes that Bucky and Zemo just shot up while Loki carved them up.
“For a genius you really are fucking stupid we’re right in the middle of their damn camp!!” He looked like a pissed off cat “ah hell guess we better start shooting.” Bucky rolled down the window climbed halfway out the window. Then started turning the camp square into a shooting gallery as Tony who’s higher than the immortal Finnish tweaker on ice had been. Does doughnuts once, twice then peeled out and took off this time headed in the right direction.
Bucky’s mood had improved as he sat squeezed his left ass check and the left side of his body back in. Then smiled practically bouncing in his seat. Like the deadly chaos gremlin that he is who once point blank smoked a guy with an rpg launcher while smiling.
Ok so some back story, the fools that are coming after them in 70’s military jeeps are guerrilla fighters. Who didn’t get the memo that militia style anarchy went out of style when neon plastic handbags became a thing.
Hell he’s probably the guy that helped a couple of them back in the 60s. By being the boogeyman of the government that have haunted their dreams ever since. Judging by the way that pudgy Japanese guy with the slicked back grey hair looked at him. Or the middle eastern tight ass that takes all of that way too seriously.
When Zemo liberated him from the abandoned cryo pod six years ago he still was that guy. Now he’s a gleeful foul mouthed homicidal mercenary that has way too much fun doing shit like this. And honestly one of these days he’ll thank Nat, Yelena, Zemo and Sam for it.
But..
First things first
Bucky looked over his shoulder at the line of jeeps older than Zemo coming up on them. “Alright let’s fucking go they’re coming” all three of them played roshambo to figure out who gets first dibs. Too bad they’re all three quarters of a whole idiot because one was rock, paper and scissors. They did it again and Buck yelled about how he gets the fucking leftovers. While Loki hoisted himself out of the sunroof.
“Ok you can take out two then we switch” that is until he heard the swish of the blade. Then the explosions and said irritability as he forced himself out of the sunroof “stupid bitch can’t you fucking count?! Move your big ass I’ll take the left you take the right!!” They fought over who gets to while Zemo is being used as a step-stool and is so done.
He pinched Bucky’s ankle only to get kicked then gave up. As a higher than GP on a fucking extension ladder Tony said something random as fuck about a nude beach.
At least they’re headed full speed balls to the wall towards the DMZ. Maybe if they’re lucky Aladdin will show up and rub his magic dick for them. So Zemo can pull off a miracle and retain his sanity so he doesn’t kill his teammates.
No one will know if he just whole sales everyone and goes to live in the nearest city… no one… maybe later though. And if Tony says one more random bullshit thing that jump scares him because he only knows how to talk at FULL FUCKING VOLUME RIGHT NOW.
Five explosions later and both the leather clad stabomancer as well as little mister .50 cal in short shorts. Descended back into the cab having a new respect for each other. While Loki mentions how unless Bucky wants his ass split into four equal quadrants that it’s in his best interest to quit the shit talking.
Zemo leaned forward grabbed a joint and lighter then sat back. Maybe if he’s too high to think straight he won’t be inclined to murder. Remember Zemo you love the brunette and also Sam is going to kill you if you kill Bucky or Loki. Tony is fair game though.. but he doesn’t feel like being a ping pong ball inside a rolling death trap.
That’s a good way to turn your body into the consistency of jam that’s been splatted against a rock. The next argument was all things pointy over guns, explosives and nukes. With Bucky ranking the three as superior while Loki advocated for his shiny blades of death. Last time Zemo got in the middle of that argument he nearly took a bullet.
Never again he would rather not get shot at or spartan kicked by a beefy 6 foot tall former assassin again. Once was enough while he was still in delirium and didn’t understand that he’d been abandoned by his handlers.
Even now there’s always the threat that whoever abandoned him could come back. And next thing you know Buck comes around the corner and starts shooting at you. They’re mercenaries not good guys if they were good guys they might’ve had the resources to break whatever was done to him.
They’ve got a pretty good idea though based off the fact that everything in the base was written in Russian. Zemo running around for his life whilst aggressively yelling. About how the Soviets managed to brainwash an entire ass person into a killing machine and super soldier.
But that's beside the point this right now is as close as they'll get to normal evem if it means trecking across the aisian jungle.
Because the guy that got kidnapped ended up being long dead by the time they showed up.
But at least they got the documents so there’s that.