Routines Of The Night
After the lengthy show around, that Tony didn’t want to do so close to May’s death but Peter had the right to feel at ease, Peter had decided that he was mentally drained. Exhausted even.
“Anyway so dinners going to be in an hour-“
“Actually Mr. Stark I’m feeling pretty tired I think I’ll just head to bed. I’ll grab something to eat later.” Peter spoke softly, watching his mentor stand and think for a good five seconds before a hesitant nod followed. “Alright but you’re not skipping breakfast.” He spoke as Peter thanked him and began to head upstairs. “Downstairs tomorrow 8AM!” Tony called.
“Tony he’s just lost his last living relative - biological or not.” Steve spoke. “Just give him a few days, he’ll come round eventually.
Here comes a new night, but I'll send it through
I'll probably jump on the next one
Peter tossed and turned in his bed until he eventually rolled onto his back, he couldn’t sleep. Refused to sleep. He didn’t want nightmares. Didn’t want to remember what happened. He didn’t want to face that. He wanted to live in a bliss that May was alive. He was just spending the weekend at Tony’s. The longest weekend of his life. He could sleep tomorrow. Or the day after. He didn’t need to sleep today.
I'm testing the limits of what a mind can do
I'm keeping my eyelids up, no matter what
But even that bliss didn’t last long. Peter felt like he was going mad after two hours. Mind coming up with scenarios on how he could have saved May. Saved Ben. Saved the little boy from the car that was flung off the Brooklyn bridge during a 5 car collision with a heavy goods truck. Saved the passengers on the ferry who had died. Saved The Vulture from the explosion of his wings. Stopped the blip from ever happening. It was all his fault..
But regardless. Peter knew it was better than sleeping. So he stayed awake.
The next morning and Peter stumbled down the stairs, heading out of his wing of the compound he shared with Nat, Clint, Wanda, Vision and sometimes Thor, following the dark grey almost black concrete outside to the main.. campus? That wasn’t the right word. But Peter was too drained to think of any other alternative.
When he stepped inside, he felt the concerned glances his way. Looking around to find Tony and, when he did, set a wide smile on his face. Although there was no way to hide the bags under his eyes he could at least pretend he’d gotten some sleep.
“Hey guys.” Peter called, stepping into the kitchen from the living room and sitting on the middle island. The countertops were a dark, chocolate brown. The cupboards a cream colour with the appliances to match. “Hey Mr. Stark.” Peter hummed, stealing a piece of bacon from the plate ignoring the gentle slap on his hand with a forced giggle. At least his relationship with food hadn’t been ruined by his grief.
“How are you feeling, Pete?” Tony asked him softly. Peter knew exactly what the man meant. And honestly? Not good. “I’m alright. Got some sleep last night at least.”
“Did you get any food?” Tony asked. Watching as Peter shook his head.
“No it took me a while to hit the deck. Finally fell asleep at One . Woke up at six and didn’t want to wake anyone up.”
He watched as Tony nodded softly. Letting the kid take the strip of bacon from the plate and before carrying into the dining room with Peter help. “Come on then!” Tony called to the Avengers. Peter sitting down beside Tony at the table and no one questioned.
They knew Peter as Tony’s intern. So naturally, Peter would stick close by Tony in times like this.
“Did Tony tell you how we usually have movie nights on Mondays?” Sam asked, watching as Peter nodded softly. “He did, yeah. But I think I’m going to skip this one. Didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“You sure kid?” He heard Steve call from the sofa.
“I’m sure, Sir.” Peter smiled softly, stepping backwards towards the stairs to make his exit.
“Alright well, we’ll probably be here until 3, so if you wake up feel free to join us.” Nat spoke this time. Her voice gentle. Much like the detectives at the hospital. Filled will worry. She watched as Peter nodded before heading to the exit of the main compound. Heading to his wing.
“I’m worried..” Nat mumbled.
“He’s probably just taking a while to settle in. This is all hugely different to his tiny queens apartment. And then dealing with Mays death on top of that? It’s not easy on him.”
Reoccurring, keeps comin' around
REM cycle skip, night psycho trip
It's reassuring you keep comin' around
It's tough to find good company
Peter felt a weight on his chest when he lay down. Unable to move. Allowing the feeling to swallow him whole. Sinking into deep bouts of sadness and numbness and clinging to whatever of May he had left. But it didn’t bring him joy. It only made things worse.
But in a way, this new feeling felt oddly familiar. In some twisted, fucked up way he sought comfort in that. In the way his lungs felt heavy his limbs like led. The way his heart felt weak even though he knew it couldn’t be. The way his brain filled with fog yet also the thing that drove thousands to suicide each year. He was happy when he thought he’d shook those thoughts. The way his body felt after Ben died. Now he felt more comforted than ever by them.
Reoccurring, days blurring
I'm still learning what this is
Just keep me company
Peter didn’t realise a week had passed before Bruce spoke up. “You joining us this time Pete?” Bruce asked. To not draw concern, Peter nodded softly. Heading over to the sofa and again, sitting beside Tony. The man draped an arm over Peter’s shoulder and instinctively, he lent into the older one.
Tony didn’t mind though. Glancing down at Peter every so often before back at the movie. About an hour in, Tony glanced down to see Peter sound asleep. He decided to keep him there. The kid really wasn’t looking good. Like he wasn’t getting any sleep most nights. And he didn’t want to wake the boy up and then he not be able to sleep.
Eventually, the Avengers disbursed back to their rooms. Tony remaining on the sofa holding the teen to his side.
So beautiful, the space between
A painful reminder and a terrible dream
At first, Peter’s sleep was peaceful. Hand loosely holding onto Tony’s shirt while he relished in the darkness sleep brought. But that seemed far too short lived.
I've been here before and I've got time
I'll give you the tour, show you why I
Walk the layout, routines in the night
Some doors have "Stay out" spray-painted in white
While all the world's asleep, I walk around instead
Through the memories, down the halls of my head
Peter was soon surrounded by the street Ben had been shot. There lay his uncle, hand on his chest, blood seeping through his shirt and fingers. Skin pale and eyes clouded. ’Why didn’t you stop it!’
Then, he was back at the ferry. Holding it together. Looking down to the water below seeing fifty or so bodies reaching up for Peter’s body that was far too high. Almost like they were zombies. But not quite. ’You should have listened to him! You should have listened to Tony! Dead because of you!’
Much like before he was suddenly surrounded by a new area. The fire roaring from the heavy goods truck and he knew exactly where he was. He fell to the floor when the little boy climbed over the railings and onto the bridge. His bones snapping back into place from their broken state that Peter imagined the child got when he fell into the water. Scrambling back as more cracks sounded from the boy and he moved to stand from all fours to two legs. ’You were too slow. Daddy killed himself because you were too slow.’ that was true. He’d seen it on the news. ‘Father of a child who died in the Brooklyn Bridge disaster found dead by passers by this morning’. “I’m sorry-“
And then, as predicted, he was back at the restaurant. Rushing to May and putting pressure onto the wound. But the blood flow stayed the same. ’You didn’t learn. You never learn. Ben died because of you and you didn’t learn.’
“May- May I’m sorry just hold on- you’ll be fine-“ the words slipped out of Peter before he could even register that this was a dream.
”Peter?”
‘You’re a disgrace to this family.’
“Peter? Come on.”
“Nono May! Come on I can fix this!” Peter begged. Shaking her. “I can fix it come on!”
”Peter wake up, Bug.”
“Peter!”
“Peter!”
The teen jumped awake from the shout, moving to scramble away from the hold but when it didn’t move, he looked to see Tony. They were still on the sofa the lights dimmed. Almost off. And thankfully, alone.
“You were having a nightmare, kid.”
Yeah.. no shit. Peter nodded slowly, moving his way back to Tony and hiding again in the adults side.
“You want to talk about it?”
Peter shook his head.
There was nothing to talk about.
Peter would get told it wasn’t his fault. When in every way possible, it was.